The gold band was cool to the touch as he held it in his palm. Such a simple piece of jewelry that held so much more than he liked to think about. The tan lines that were on his left ring finger were long gone, but the finger still felt bare without the ring upon it. The gentle sway of the boat under him, the soft sound of the waves against the hull, and the distant sound of Minho working on the laptop up on the deck couldn’t overpower the volume of his thoughts screaming inside of his head. The first tear fell from his chin then causing him to curl his fingers tightly around the ring until it hurt. Only then did he place it in the back of his wallet where it had been since that night three years ago he pushed it in sitting in his car with tears streaming down his face. The leather had been pushed and pulled until even when the ring wasn’t within the wallet the outline could be seen.

              Thinking about Jonghyun and the life he left made his stomach twist in knots. The night he left replayed in his mind every time he was alone with his thoughts as if his mind was trying to fill the void left by Jonghyun by the memories. Their last kiss was long and sweet, for he knew neither of them wanted it to end. His last words echoed, ‘Know I was happy here. I was happy with you. Please remember I was always happy loving you. I didn’t look for something more because you weren’t enough for me.’.

              Jonghyun’s voice, so gentle and full of sorrow, ‘Go be great Jinki’, cut like a knife. He tried to remember the last time he had heard Jonghyun say he loved him, but the memory of a simple text message was blurry at best has his chest aching. His head fell into his hands, fingers pushing through his dark hair roughly as he takes a sharp intake of breath. Minho was expecting him up on deck to start the day's data collection. He couldn’t, nor did he want to, explain to the younger man what was causing him to unravel at the ends slowly.

              With a deep breath, he walked over to his bathroom and splashed cool water onto his face. Before heading out of the room he took a strong gulp of the bottle of whiskey on the shelf near the door. It burned down his throat, but he managed to focus through the murkiness of pain in his mind. After everything, he couldn’t jeopardize his research. Then, everything he let gave up would have been for nothing. Leaving Jonghyun would have been for nothing. He hated the date. Their anniversary mocking him everywhere he looked. The top of the notes, the green blinking letters on their equipment.

              He knew the rush of pain would subside and only become a dull ache, easily pushed aside to focus on his work and research, but until then he’d bite the inside of his cheek and hope the otters helped brighten his day. “Hey, Boss. You ready to go in?”

              “Yes, Minho. Sorry, I’m late.”

----

              The bartender placed a drink before him, one he hadn’t ordered. When he looked up to question the man he only gestured to the gentleman next to him. “Hey, Handsome.”

              “I’m sorry. I’m married.”

              “I don’t see a ring.”

              He swallowed thickly, realizing the familiar said on pure instinct answer wasn’t true anymore. “It’s at the jewelers. Thank you though.”

              The man smiled friendly enough before slipping away. Jinki knew he could have just given in to the advances, but he also knew no matter who it was and how many people he shared a bed with, none of them would fill the empty space in his life the way Jonghyun did. As well as, he didn’t want to. He hadn’t been with anyone else since college and he wasn’t in the right state of mind to try connecting with another in any capacity. The thought of calling Kibum and venting to him crossed his mind, but he knew the man wouldn’t understand. He also spoke to Jonghyun. Jinki didn’t want to get him in the middle of this... Whatever it was.

              He paid his bill and slipped from the bar quietly. The air had a slight chill to it causing him to tighten his jacket closer to his body as he turned to find his car around the next block. Going home to an empty bed felt even colder, lonelier. He pressed his lips together into a thin line and started his engine. He had to live with his choices and he was sure Jonghyun would have moved on by now. The lack of communication spoke volumes to him and he couldn’t go back with so much hope to have it crushed again just like that night he went to tell Jonghyun about his acceptance letter.

              Every drink he had ordered had sat in front of him, untouched, except the glass of water. He didn’t even like the fruity little drinks, but Jonghyun had. He would order them for his husband all the time, carrying the dainty glass over from the bar to where they had gotten a booth in whatever restaurant they were in. Was it a waste of money? Completely, but it was a weird feeling of normalcy in this new lonely world he hadn’t quite learned to navigate just yet.

              Once he reached his small apartment he didn’t even bother turning on any lights as he made his way through it to the bedroom. There he one lamp on the side of the bed he slept on. The right, just out of the habit of Jonghyun always getting the left. On the nightstand was Jonghyun’s new book, one he was in the middle of reading. After getting ready for bed he’d read the words he could almost picture Jonghyun sitting at that small kitchen table of theirs, fuzzy socks on his feet and glasses slipping off his nose, just like he had seen so many times before. It was nearly the same, but he felt as if those written words of Jonghyun’s were like hearing him speak next to him in bed before bed. A piece of him he no longer had besides in those pages.

              One day he would heal. One day he would get over the man that got away.

              Tonight was not that day.