The picture was grainy, taken on some first generation cell phone, but he could feel the happiness through the low-quality photo as if it happened just yesterday and not 8 years in the past. His lips were pressed against Jinki’s cheek, snow falling around them, with silly knitted hats his mother made them for their first Christmas together. If he tried hard enough he could see the blurry snow covered gazebo in the background and the flickering of the candles sitting in the kitchen window to the left of them. They had been ice skating on the pond that froze every winter behind Jinki’s home. The man was almost a pro on his skates. Jonghyun remembered with a chuckle just how much of a newborn duck he was on his own, having to be helped around tight against Jinki’s side. He had been so nervous to meet all of his family, to go home with him for the holidays even after dating for almost a year as they had then. Looking back he knew he had nothing to be nervous about.

             He flicked his thumb softly to go onto the next photo and a smile pulled at his lips even as his heart ached deeply at the memory. It was a moment that was supposed to be only between the two of them, the night of Kibum’s 21st birthday party, caught in the back by the tall wooden fence in the background of the photo. It had been zoomed once Kibum had realized what he had caught, his two friends falling for each other. Jinki’s hands were on his waist, hair dripping wet, and chest bare as he had just pulled himself out of the pool once he had seen Jonghyun step out of the house with his drink. It was the first night Jinki had told him he loved him. So softly only they could hear it over the booming music and hollering of 20 something odd drunk college kids. Jonghyun swore if he tried hard enough he still could taste the twang of Jinki’s lips, the dripping pool water, and their mixed drinks swirling together between them.

             The next was a video, one that he played knowing exactly what it was. Jinki was turned away, looking over his shoulder still at the camera. His voice was quiet, almost too much so to hear over the bustle of the airport around him. “Are you getting this?” Kibum quipped behind the camera, “Every bit.” Their engagement. He had gone across the country for his book release, gone for almost 3 weeks. He remembers the rush around him as he ran off that plane, pushing through people as quickly as he could until just like in the video he stopped in his tracks seeing Jinki going down on one knee a few strides away from him. He didn’t need the video, pausing it quickly trying to get his emotions in check. The nervousness in Jinki’s voice, afraid of what he may say, how his hand shook as he took his own. How he was picked up, and twirled, lips finding each other as soon as the emotional yes was whispered and the ring was slid on his finger.

             Another flick of his thumb, his cheek falling further on his palm as he leaned against the recliner. The tapped play on the video without even thinking and his breath was caught in his throat when he heard Jinki’s voice. “I was going to make a little video of our new apartment, but I can’t seem to stop taping you beautiful.” Jinki’s deep laughter was felt deep inside him. The video didn’t last much longer, a quick little run over of their mostly empty first apartment together. The freeze frame as the video ended was Jinki kissing his hair, both of them looking the happiest he could remember them being.

             Wait, that was wrong. He knew because as he flipped a few more times he ended on what they thought was their wedding. Absentmindedly his fingers reached for his golden band hung on a chain around his neck, the metal cool against the softness of one of Jinki’s t-shirts that he had left. The photos looked like it was done in the middle of the summer, the sun warm on the horizon, but he knew it was taken on the cusp of winter, leaves falling around them as the trees lost their final few. By the photos, you’d never guess two years later one of the two would have taken their ring off completely.

             With a shuddering breath, Jonghyun exited out of the album. Jinki’s single status caught his eye. He still could remember the day it changed from being married. They had never tagged each other, but anyone being friends with either of them knew. Through his tears, he managed to smile at the Ph.D. in Jinki’s about section. He never thought he’d watch Jinki get on with his life through photographs, just like he used to be alongside him every step of the way. The night they ended was all blurred, too many harsh and heartbreaking memories for his mind to grip onto completely. He could still remember their last kiss that night. Jinki’s hands shaking as he took his face between them, eyes so deep and pained, as he leaned closer and gently kissed him. His fingers brushed against his lips at the memory, the warm and sweetness mixed with the salt of their tears, for neither ever thought it’d come to this.

             They were never supposed to have a last kiss. Jonghyun had never foreseen Jinki changing his mind, and he wasn’t sure what made him say no to him that night either. A little part of him wanted to have hope, to be optimistic about it, about how Jinki hadn’t deleted anything of their life together present on his social media, or how he hadn’t unfriended him. But the ache in his heart overshadowed all of it. He missed him. He should have said yes to him when Jinki asked him to go with him. He should have always picked Jinki, instead of the ease of his comfort zone, but it was far too late to erase his choice. It would be 3 years next July that Jinki walked out of the door with his two suitcases. He should have walked after him.

             But he hadn’t and there wasn’t any amount of regret that would turn back time. He glanced at the message icon, thumb hovering over it for just a moment, before he closed the app and locked his phone, tossing it onto the table next to him. The flames of his two candles, one being his and the other being Jinki’s favorite scent, took his attention just for a moment. The dancing flames and the slight warmth from them were somewhat calming.