They had a vibe. He was sure that they did. There was a constant push and pull situation going on between them. Sometimes it felt like it would only be a matter of time before one of them would cross that line beyond almost. But it didn't happen. Hansol happened.

The first time Seungkwan had talked to him about the feelings he had for Hansol was the first time Mingyu had really realized his own feelings as well. He wasn't sure what had hurt more. Comforting Seungkwan crying over Hansol because he was convinced there was no-way he felt the same way or forcing himself to smile and congratulate him when he and Hansol finally did get together. It wasn't that he wasn't happy for them. They were both his friends and they made a very good couple. But he still got butterflies in his stomach when he looked at Seungkwan, when they joked together, when they hugged. Only now his butterflies lost their wings as soon as Hansol stepped into the picture. He tried his best to ignore his feelings and he had gotten pretty good at it too. But sometimes it was hard to keep it all inside. Unfortunately one of those times was when he was talking to Hansol.

“I think tonight might be the night.” Hansol said in a hushed voice so only Mingyu could hear him even though there was no-one else around.

“What night?” Mingyu asked in return. A question he would come to regret soon after.

“For me and Seungkwan.”

“For you and Seungkwan what?”

“I think...we might do it tonight.”

Mingyu groaned. “Hansol please. I don't need an announcement whenever you and Seungkwan are going to go at it.” And he sure didn't need that visual. It was hard enough not picturing them together, it was near impossible with Hansol talking about it.

“No, no, you don't understand. We're not just going to do it. We're going to do it for the first time.”

“Oh...” Somehow Mingyu had assumed they had already had . They had been together for a while now. The idea of them sharing their first times together, something so intimate and meaningful, made Mingyu's insides twist in a very unpleasant way. He hoped his feelings weren't written all over his face.

“I'm just kinda nervous, you know.” Hansol continued, unaware of the effect this conversation had on Mingyu's sanity.

“Yeah, well, I don't know what you want from me.” He didn't mean to be so curt, but he really didn't want to have this talk. The whole topic made his skin crawl.

“You have some experience in this area, right? Don't you have any...pointers or something?”

“Dude, I don't want to give you tips on how to dirty up Seungkwan.”

“You make it sound like I'm some ual predator.” Hansol hadn't expected Mingyu to react like this. Normally he would always listen to his problems like the friend he was.

“Well, how do you even know Seungkwan wants to do it? Maybe you should just wait.”

“We've talked about before. We were just waiting for a good time now. So I think-”

“Yeah, well, it's a big step. He might say he's ready, but Seungkwan has no experience so how can he know.”

“I have the same amount of experience and I'm sure. Why can't he be too? Why are you being so difficult? It's not like you're still a .”

“I'm not being difficult. I just don't want Seungkwan to have with you.” The moment he said it and saw the confused frown that formed on Hansol's face he knew he had said something that wasn't normal for a friend to say. “I mean...I don't want Seungkwan to have with anyone.” He tried to recover himself, but Hansol wasn't buying it.

“And why not? He's not a child and I love him. We love each other. What's the problem, Mingyu? If I didn't know any better I'd say you like him or something.”

Mingyu wanted to deny it, he wanted to respond, he knew he had to, but no words came out of his mouth. Hansol looked at him as realization dawned on him. “Wait. Mingyu...you...do you like Seungkwan?”

Panic hit Mingyu and he didn't know what to say, so he just started rambling, but that didn't make it any better. “N-no, I...I just...sometimes when I see you two together it's hard you know, because I want that...to be that close to him...no that's not what I mean...I mean...I...” His eyes landed on Hansol's face and he saw something he really didn't need right now. Pity. It would be okay if he had gotten angry or upset or anything other than pity. Pity meant he felt sorry for him because he didn't think Seungkwan could ever be his. Of course he didn't. But to be pitied by the boyfriend of the person he was in love was felt like a knife to his pride and his heart. As he saw the sympathetic look Hansol was giving him Mingyu felt tears starting to sting in his eyes. With all his willpower he held the tears back. He was not about to cry in front of him. “I...I'm sorry. Please...please don't tell him. I'll get over it, I promise. Okay?”

“Okay.”

<>

The months passed by and Hansol kept Mingyu's feelings for his boyfriend to himself. But knowing how Mingyu felt had created room for jealousy and doubt to invade Hansol's own mind. He had started to notice more and more how close those two were sometimes. He didn't just notice the way Mingyu looked at Seungkwan, or the way he touched him, he also noticed the way Seungkwan returned his smile and didn't shy away from his touch. Of course that was just how Seungkwan was. But Mingyu. Mingyu was in love with Seungkwan.

They had just finished a performance and Hansol had seen how Mingyu grabbed Seungkwan by the hip and pulled him close with a smile from ear to ear. It was only for a second, but something snapped inside of Hansol. Backstage he grabbed Seungkwan by the hand and pulled him away from the others. Seungkwan let him, but he felt his boyfriend was upset and he had no idea why.

“Hansol, slow down. What's wrong?”

“I'm just getting you away from Mingyu and his grabby hands.”

“W-what?” Seungkwan stopped and pulled his hand back. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh please, you were all over each other!”

“Oh, come on, Hansol. It's only Mingyu! You never get this upset when I'm clingy with Seokmin or Soonyoung. Why are you-”

“That's because they're not in love with you!” As soon as the words left his mouth he regretted it. Not only had he promised Mingyu he wouldn't tell him, he didn't exactly want Seungkwan to know either. But he was upset and he didn't always have the best control of his mouth when he was.

Seungkwan's eyes widened. “What are you talking about? Are you saying that you think Mingyu is in love with me? That's ridiculous.”

“No it's not. He told me.” No control. “I mean...that was a while ago and he said he would get over it. So I'm sure he has. It was just a little crush. Just...please try to forget I said anything. I don't want to create any awkwardness in the group.”

Seungkwan had a slight confused frown on his face and didn't say anything, but he nodded in agreement.

<>

Seungkwan tried to forget what Hansol had told him. He really did. But a few nights later he found himself knocking on Mingyu's bedroom door. It was a rare night with no other members at home. He wasn't sure what good talking to him would do, but he needed to hear it from Mingyu himself. He couldn't just ignore this information. He opened the door when he heard Mingyu telling him to come in.

“Why did you knock? You always just barge in.” Mingyu asked with a chuckle.

“I don't know...” Seungkwan felt a bit awkward. “I guess because I want to talk to you about something serious.”

“Oh?” Mingyu stood up from his bed and looked at Seungkwan's nervous face.

“Do you...are you in love with me?”

Mingyu felt like he was nailed to the floor by the sudden question and the directness of it. “W-what?”

“Sorry for just asking it like this, but Hansol blurted out that you had told him that you were and...I guess I just needed to know for myself if it's really true.”

“Why?” Mingyu's voice was small and close to trembling.

“I don't know...”

Their eyes met, both unsure of the situation.

“What if I tell you that I'm in love with you? That everytime I see you I want to find out what it's like to feel your lips on mine? That I get shivers when you hold my hand or hug me? That I feel giddy when we joke around together, a feeling I only get when it's with you. What then? Will anything change between us?”

He hadn't even realized it but he must have moved because suddenly he was a lot closer to Seungkwan than he had been before. Seungkwan looked down to avoid Mingyu's gaze.

“You...you can't like me like that.”

“I know.” Mingyu whispered back. Both of them knew, but neither of them moved. Seungkwan looked up and met Mingu's eyes. Why was it so hard to just back away?

“Seungkwan...” Mingyu's voice was so soft it was barely even a whisper. He leaned in and for a second their lips brushed together. But Seungkwan backed away with wide eyes. “No...no you can't. I'm...I'm with Hansol. I love him. I can't, we can't...” He regained his posture. “I think it's best if we put some distance between us. Of course we'll still be around each other a lot, but we have eleven other members who can stand between us during work related things.” He took another step back, getting closer to the door, but he was still facing Mingyu who looked at him with a look on his face that broke Seungkwan's heart.

“Please, Seungkwan. I'm sorry, but please don't leave like this. I don't want to lose what we have now. I don't want to lose you as a friend. Please...I'm okay knowing we'll never be together, as long as I can be close to you as a friend.” Watching him with Hansol was hard, but the thought of not being able to be close to him, to hug him, to laugh with him, to just be around him, that was unbearable.

“I'm sorry Mingyu. I think it's for the best for now.”

“Seungkwan, please don't leave like this. Please.”

Seungkwan started to turn around to walk away, but without thinking Mingyu reached out wrapped his fingers around Seungkwan's wrist.

“Please...stay.”

Seungkwan turned around again and Mingyu let go of him. He got closer to Seungkwan and he reached out his arm to close the door, effectively trapping Seungkwan between himself and the now closed bedroom door. Both confused and lost in their feelings they stared at each other. Slowly Mingyu moved his hand from the door to Seungkwan's face. Seungkwan stood frozen. Mingyu rubbed his thumb lovingly on Seungkwan's cheek and slowly leaned in, connecting their lips properly this time. Seungkwan inhaled sharply at the contact, but he didn't stop him. He kissed back. It was almost as if his mind went blank the moment Mingyu's lips touched his own. He wasn't thinking. Not about the consequences, not about Hansol. In that moment there was only Mingyu. Mingyu's tongue tangled with his own, Mingyu's hands pulling his shirt over his head and throwing it carelessly on the floor, Mingyu's warmth against his body, Mingyu's name on his lips.

<>

Mingyu had imagined having with Seungkwan more times than he cared to admit, but never did it end up like this. Seungkwan was crying with his head in his hands. They were still in Mingyu's bed, only covered by the sheets still damp with their sweat.

“What did I do?....I've ruined everything...I can't lose him, Mingyu. I can't...I...”

He hadn't expected Seungkwan to tell him he was in love with him too and that he would break things off with Hansol so they could be together. He knew he loved him. He knew this had been a mistake. But it still broke his heart into a million pieces having to listen to him cry only moments after they were so intimate and close. Crying over somebody else.

He wrapped an arm around Seungkwan's shoulder, “Shh, it'll be okay. You won't lose him. I won't tell him. Neither will you. Nothing happened here.”

But everything was already broken.

<>

At first Seungkwan thought he would be able to not tell Hansol about what had happened with Mingyu. He tried to convince himself it was for the best. Telling him would only hurt him and ruin his friendship with Mingyu. Right? But a few nights later Hansol had come to his room to hang out and the entire time Seungkwan felt sick to his stomach, wracked with guilt. When Hansol started kissing him he couldn't hold it in any longer. When he pulled away from the kiss tears had already formed in his eyes. “I'm sorry..I...I can't...I...”

Hansol looked at him with worry in his eyes, “Seungkwan, what's wrong? Did I do something?”

“No...but I...”

“You what? Seungkwan you're worrying me a bit.”

“I...after you told me about Mingyu I went to talk to him...”

Hansol's removed the hand that was still on Seungkwan's arm and listened to him continue talking with increasing amounts of sobs in between.

“I told him he couldn't like me like that and that it was best if we put some distance between us, but...”

Hansol never knew before the amount of anxiety the word but could cause in a person. “But?”

“He..we...” Seungkwan couldn't get the words out. He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down a bit, but it wasn't working.

“What? What did you do, Seungkwan? Did you kiss him?” Hansol's heart was pounding in his chest and his head felt dizzy. Was this really happening?

Seungkwan bit his lip and tears were running down his face.

“You didn't...Seungkwan...did you..did you sleep with him?”

Seungkwan nodded. He forced himself to look up at his boyfriend. He had expected him to get angry, yell at him, but the look Hansol had on his face was way worse than that. He looked absolutely heartbroken, empty almost. Without saying a word he stood up and walked out of the room, leaving Seungkwan to cry by himself.

<>

Hansol didn't come back that night. He only let Seungcheol know he was spending a few days with his parents and sister so the others wouldn't ask any further questions. He got a few messages from Seungkwan begging him to talk, but they stopped once Hansol asked him to give him some space. A few days went by. They were in between comebacks so luckily he didn't have to deal with being forced to see either Seungkwan or Mingyu at work. He didn't think, however, that Mingyu would show up at his house. His family was nice enough to leave them alone. They knew about the situation and his mother gave him a sympathetic look while his father gave him a look that said not to punch Mingyu in the face before they left the house.

Hansol didn't say anything. If Mingyu wanted to talk he'd have to start.

“Are you just never going to come back to the dorm?” Mingyu asked.

Hansol scoffed. “Really? That's the first thing you have to say to me? You slept with my boyfriend and all you have to say is that?”

“It's not all I have to say. Of course not. You're my friend, Hansol. You are so important to me. You have no idea how sorry I am. I know I shouldn't have kissed him and ask him to stay, but I wasn't thinking and I did and-”

“Wow, hold up.” Hansol interrupted him harshly, “You kissed him. You asked him to stay?”

“Does it really matter who kissed who first?”

“It matters. He had just found out about your feelings for him, he was confused, overwhelmed. YOU on the other hand knew about your feelings for a long time and had every chance to learn how to control yourself and yet-”

“Don't do that. Seungkwan is the one who cheated on you, not me. Don't pin all of this on me just so you don't have to face the fact that he did. And don't you think I tried to get over him? To push my feelings away? I tried so hard you have no idea. Do you know how hard it is for me to see you two together? When he just showed up in my room like that, I...I lost control of my emotions. And so did he. I know what I did was wrong and I understand you might never forgive me, but I wasn't alone in that bed.”

The room was silent. Hansol cursed his empathy. He knew it couldn't have been easy for Mingyu either. It in no way excused what he did, but if he said he understood where Mingyu was coming from he wasn't lying. If the situation had been reversed he doesn't know what he would have done.

“Hansol...please forgive him. He loves you so much. I know he regrets what happens even more than I do.”

<>

Hansol had returned to the dorm and he and Seungkwan had talked. For a little while it even seemed like they would be able to get passed what had happened. Hansol had almost convinced himself of that. He loved Seungkwan so much and he wanted to forgive him. He wanted to.

It was the first time after everything that they had a sort of date night again. It was only watching a movie at home, but the tension was almost tangible. As the night went on they got closer to each other and when Seungkwan made a joke they looked at each other. They both felt silent. Both a bit unsure they came closer and their lips met. It was very shy at first but it soon turned into a proper kiss which turned into Hansol pushing Seungkwan down onto the bed and kissing him with full force. But when he slid his hand under Seungkwan's shirt and felt his warm skin he suddenly stopped and pulled back.

“I can't do this.”

Seungkwan sat back up too. “Oh. Is it too cold in here? I can turn on the heat or something or-”

“No.” Hansol said. He wasn't looked at Seungkwan. “That's not what I mean.”

Seungkwan wasn't an idiot, he knew that it wasn't what he had meant. But he didn't want to hear what he did mean.

“I mean this. Us. I thought I could get passed it, but I can't, Seungkwan.”

“Hansol, what exactly are you saying?”

“I'm saying that when I kiss or touch you I imagine him kissing you, touching you. I'm saying I don't think I can get passed it. I'm saying...” he took a breath and turned to look Seungkwan in the eye. “I'm saying I can't be with you anymore.”

<>

Almost a year had passed. It had been very strained at first and for a while it even effected their work, but Hansol and Seungkwan had gotten to a point where they could say they were friends again. Not as close as before of course. They never hung out just the two of them alone, but the others didn't have to worry about inviting both of them to go do something at the same time anymore either. The same could be said for Mingyu.

They had just finished promotions for their latest comeback and they were at a party for all of their staff and some friends. A few of them, including Hansol and Seungkwan, were outside sitting on chairs sharing drinks. However, the others spotted some friends they wanted to talk to and suddenly Hansol and Seungkwan found themselves alone in each others company. They didn't really notice at first and just continued talking. It was nice. It almost felt like old times. Until Hansol asked that question.

“So...how's your love life going?”

“Hansol...”

He wasn't asking it in a judging manner or to make Seungkwan feel bad. He was curious. There was also another question he wanted to ask, but wasn't quite sure he wanted the answer to. He had never asked before, but he had had a few drinks. “Did you and Mingyu ever...again.”

Seungkwan shook his head. “No.”

“It's okay. You can tell me if you have.”

“We didn't. I'm not in love with him. I never was.”

“Okay, so not Mingyu. Anyone else special in your life?”

“We don't have to talk about this.” Seungkwan didn't want to talk about this.

“Come on, I'm just trying to be a good friend here. Tell me.”

“How can I fall in love with anyone knowing that I already had the love of my life and ruined it?”

Seungkwan got up from him seat. “Excuse me.”

Hansol looked at him walk away, catching a glimpse of the tears that fell from Seungkwan's eyes.

<>

“Hansol? Are you listening to me?” Seungcheol and Hansol were out having dinner together, but it looked like Hansol was completely spacing out and was totally missing whatever it was that Seungcheol was talking about.

“Do you think people who cheat will definitely do it again?” Hansol asked.

Seungcheol sighed. He clearly hadn't been listening to him, but his years of being the leader of their group had given him plenty of experience listening to s' problems. So instead of reprimanding him for not listening, he decided to answer his question. “I think people make mistakes. Some people learn from their mistakes. Others don't.”

Hansol nodded his head like he was mulling over that answer. “Do you think...Seungkwan is the type of person who learns from his mistakes?”

Not that he hadn't already figured out who this was about, he never liked people being vague. “Why are you asking me this? Do you want to get back together with Seungkwan?”

“I don't know. We talked about things last week at that party and he basically said he's still in love with me and I'm so confused.”

“Do you still love him?”

Hansol sank back into his chair and sighed. “Yes. I do. God I really do.”

“Have you forgiven him? And I mean, really forgiven him. Like, you won't bring it up everytime you fight or you won't get jealous and suspicious when he interacts with another man.”

“I...I think so.”

“Look. I can't tell you what to do on this. But whatever you do, please figure out your feelings and his first. I don't think you two will survive another break up. Especially, Seungkwan.”

At this Hansol raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean especially Seungkwan? He's the one who slept with somebody else.”

“I know. I'm just saying he was a mess for months after that. We kept it away from you the best we could because he asked us to do so, but he was always crying. He barely slept, he didn't eat, was always saying how much he hated himself. It wasn't pretty.”

“I...I didn't know it was that bad. I thought he was dieting again and that's why he was losing weight.”

“Yeah, a diet of crying, no sleep, and not eating. Not a very healthy diet.”

Seungcheol looked at his friend who was clearly bothered by this information. He remembered how those two were before it was all messed up. No-one had expected it to turn out like this. They all thought they were perfect together. Then again, no-one had known about Mingyu's feelings for Seungkwan at the time. The general consensus, however, was that Hansol and Seungkwan made a way better match than those two ever would. Most of them still felt this way.

“Oh and to answer your previous question. I don't know if Seungkwan learns from all his mistakes, but I can honestly say that I don't think he'd ever cheat on you again. If you were to get back together that is.”

<>

Hansol thought about it. A lot. In fact, he couldn't stop thinking about Seungkwan and getting back together. The thought of being with him again made Hansol realize just how much he had missed him and how much he still loved him. He was on his way home anyway, but suddenly he felt like he couldn't get home fast enough. He pulled out his phone and called a number he hadn't called in a long time.

“Hansol?” Seungkwan's voice asked on the other end of the line.

“Are you home? Could you wait for me? I want to talk about something. It might be good if we can talk alone.”

“Oh, ehm, a few people are here too, but we can talk in the bedroom if you want? What's this about?”

“I'll just tell you when I get there.”

When he arrived he was met with questioning stares from the vocal team members and Soonyoung, but he ignored them and just nudged his head in the direction of the bedroom so that Seungkwan would follow him.

Seungkwan closed the door behind them. “So...what is this about? You haven't called me since...well...since a long time ago.”

“I know. Listen. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. About us things and...I need to know. Do you still love me?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Can you just answer the question. Please?”

“Of course I do. I never stopped. I-”

“Okay, so, here's the deal. I still love you too and I think we should get back together. I'm not so arrogant as to think you're just sitting around pining after me or something, but if you love me and I love you...”

“Why now?” Seungkwan asked. It's not that he didn't want this, hadn't hoped this would ever happen, but it seemed sudden and he didn't want this to happen if it was just a momentary lapse in Hansol's emotional state.

“After the party where you basically said I was the love of your life I got to thinking and I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about being with you made me sad in the past, it made me remember all our times together and how that was over. But when I started thinking about being together with you again, about all the new things we could experience together it made my heart flutter. The thought of being with you again...Seungkwan, I would be happier than I have ever been and that includes the time we were together before.”

“Really?”

“Really. So...what do you say?” Seungkwan's silence was the first time Hansol considered the possibility that Seungkwan didn't actually want to get back together with him.

Seungkwan smiled a weak smile, “Do you really think I would say no to that?”

Hansol offered him his own smile and got closer to him. He cupped his face and brought their lips together softly. It felt new and familiar at the same time. It felt right.

<>

Mingyu looked at Hansol and Seungkwan together on the couch, completely and utterly in love with each other again. He was happy for them. He really was. But a part of his heart ached. Because even after everything, even now, he still loved him too.

____________________________

Mingyu T___T I'm sorry I made you suffer.
What did you think? Let me know in a comment~