♪ But I crash in my mind whenever you are near

Getting deaf, dumb, and blind, just drowning in despair

I am lost in your flame, it's burning like a sun

And I call out your name the moment you are gone ♪

--

“What?! You met Jaebum?!”

Jackson’s shriek turned all the heads in the coffee house to their table as Jinyoung sent a panicked hush. Ignoring, the Chinese kept interrogating, pestering him to tell the details in fortunately lower volume.

“So you still don’t know why he disappeared?”

“Yeah, he didn’t tell,” Jinyoung said, remembering the smile that used to be bright and free was stained blue under the cherry blossom. He found Jackson staring at him, eyes scrutinizing.

“I’m glad to know he’s alright, but… what about you?”

“Me? What about me?”

“Are you alright?,” Jackson asked carefully, “there must be a reason why you kept it for almost a year before telling one of us. Why did you even went there to look for him especially after all these years?”

Jinyoung had thought he was ready to tell, but he was wrong. The things he left out from his story still hurt as much as the morning when he woke up to the empty mattress beside him, alone. He took a deep breath, wishing the air filling his lungs would numb the ache a little.

“You already know I broke up with my boyfriend last year, right?”

Jackson nodded. “Mark told me. He didn’t tell me why though.”

“That’s because I didn’t tell him, or anyone in that matter. He left after telling me that although he was the one in front of me, he wasn’t the one my eyes looking for. I couldn’t even hold on to him because I was guilty as he said.”

It was always the same case, even with the ones before him. It was always the cycle of meeting someone, dating, and hurting them until they couldn’t bear it anymore. It wasn’t like he didn’t love every single one of them, he did. Only a part of his heart unconsciously, constantly longing for someone else whose presence was already carved into the core.

“Don’t tell me…,” Jackson frowned, “you still like him? After all this time?”

Jinyoung sighed. “At that time, I wasn’t sure. I wondered whether what I feel was really love or just a lingering feelings that never managed to get a closure. That’s why I went to look for him, or I’d forever be stuck n that loop. Only after I saw him that I’m certain I still love him as much as I did years ago.”

“So? Did you find what you’re looking for?,” the Chinese asked curiously.

Jinyoung shifted his eyes down, mindlessly stirring his americano. He could still remember every words, every faces Jaebum made as if it was being played right before his eyes again. “I wonder,” he said. He was relieved to be spared from further questions as a knocking sound resounding from the window beside them, showing Mark with a huge grin on his face. Once Jackson saw his beloved, he could see and think of nothing but him anyway. When he ran up to Mark as soon as he walked through the door and jumped onto him, Jinyoung couldn’t measure how much he wished to pretend he didn’t know them.

“Thanks for picking him up from the airport,” Mark said to Jinyoung after he settled on a chair across him. Jackson twined his arm around his boyfriend’s, pouting as he snuggled his head on his shoulder.

“That’s right. I was so happy when I walk out, thinking I’d finally see you again, but all I saw was his annoying smirk.”

“What, are you complaining? When I sacrifice my precious day off for you? How ungrateful.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Mark laughed, “I didn’t expect the sudden meeting, and it went so long.”

“Is it about the new game you’re making?” Jinyoung asked. Beside being a pro gamer, Mark also worked at a startup game developer company.

“Yeah. There was a little problem, but it’s cleared now.

Jackson heaved an overly heavy sigh, and it was hard for Jinyoung not to roll his eyes as he saw the dramatic sadness on his face. “It’s okay, I understand. I won’t be that whiny boyfriend who makes a fuss over your work.”

“Yeah right, you’re definitely not wearing my ears off with your complain throughout the trip here, at all,” Jinyoung scoffed, gaining dagger stares  from Jackson. He zipped his jacket up and said, “Alright, let’s get rid of this third wheel. Mark’s here now, so I better go home.”

“Why don’t you stay for a little bit and we can have dinner together?,” Mark asked.

“No way, I don’t wanna be a lone witness to how disgusting you both are after seven months separation. Enjoy your time together, and we’ll have dinner later with the others.”

“He’s right, let him go Mark. And you, just go quickly. Shoo shoo,” Jackson waved his hand up and down annoyingly. Jinyoung sighed, wondering what sin he made in his previous life to gain a friend like Jackson. He bid goodbye to the couple and stepped out to the crowded street. He was welcomed by the harsh wind of winter slapping his face. He glanced back into the coffee shop, capturing the sight of the two. He could feel a nip of envy inside him.

Of course it was all his own fault. Their first love came true because they were brave enough to tell each other how they feel, while he only hid, satisfied only being by his crush’s side, thinking they could stay that way forever. He was too scared to change what they had. But Jaebum was gone before he knew it, leaving him broken to pieces with regret. He somehow managed to sweep the fragments to away over the years, but it was always inside him somewhere, unnoticed. Then the realization that he never stopped loving him bursted them up again, the sharp edges pierced his heart and tearing him apart.

He shook his head, trying to get rid of the daydream. The temperature gap from indoor and outdoor was big enough he started shivering. He walked up to his car as fast as he could, eager to be surrounded by warmth again. However, something caught his eyes that deterred his initial intention, and before he knew it he was already running toward the opposite direction.

He crossed across the road, ignoring the traffic light and the parade of blaring car horns he caused. He only thought of catching the familiar back he recognized among the crowd. He desperately yelled the owner’s name over and over in his head, but somehow he couldn’t verbalize it. He didn’t even realize a motorbike running toward him in high speed until it passed in front of him. Though fortunately he stopped right on time before he was ran over, the shock diverted his attention away from the person he was chasing for. When he finally reached the other side of the street, the ebony haired man was nowhere to be seen.

Crushed with dejection, he crouched down, beating himself for his foolishness. Of course he wouldn’t be there, he was miles away in his hometown. He must be crazy for imagining him like that. How pathetic.

He knew he should have given up, but he couldn’t. After the initial shock of being told not to find him again, he realized that never once did Jaebum tell him he didn’t like him back. In fact, it felt like there was another reason why he said it, or that was what he wanted to think. He went there to find closure, but it only crushed his hope and gave it wings at the same time that he ended up yearning for Jaebum even more than before, wondering what he was thinking.

Sometimes he just wanted to close his eyes, living in an imaginary parallel world where he confessed to Jaebum, where the accident happen and they didn’t separate. A universe where Jaebum answered his confession with love at the tip of his tongue, where they walked the flowery road together through the changing seasons, adoring each other in slightly different way from Mark and Jackson, yet still as strong as theirs. But he was being delusional, and at the end when the sun dyed the night with its light, he had to wake up.

“Hey, don’t block the way!,” an angry voice yelled from above him. He quickly stood up and bowed down in apology. The old man only snorted before walking away, and he sighed. He really needed to get a grip of himself and moving forward, he couldn’t be that way forever. But as he went back to his car and put a reminder in his phone when he saw an exhibition poster pasted on the wall, he realized he never learn.

________________________________________

Song: Saybia - The Day After Tomorrow
Sorry it took so long for me to update T_T I was truly stuck, so I wrote other story to clear my head. And now finally I come up with a new chapter after changing the plot multiple times I'm so happy. It feels like a burden lifted from my heart :D

By the way, I'm currently so in love with JUS2 new album. The title song and the mv are so great! They complement each other so perfectly, mingled up into something hypnotizing it kinda you in. It's the first time I feel that way watching an mv lol. And I really love Touch and Drunk on You too, they're gems <3 I'm so excited for He's Psychometric too. Watching the teasers is killing me but I keep doing it anyway because I'm too impatient T_T Lol at Jinyoung when he said JB betrayed him for being in JUS2, and JB when he said he will come back soon :)))))

Anyway, hope you like this chapter! Now that I've found the right direction of the story I might not take too long to update again, so see you soon!