[Please play these songs while reading - Lee Hi - Passing By and G-Dragon - Untitled, 2014 ]

It was the following summer when everything fell for all of us.

“I’m sorry.” Jaehyun whispered as he hugged me. It’s hard to accept the truth. Stage Four. Brain Cancer.

“It’s okay. You will make it, alright?” I tried to assured him even if I know that I might me lying to him and to myself. I held him crying at the uncertainties the future is about to bring.

“I thought I was okay,” he said devastated, “I thought I will be okay.”

Jaehyun was diagnosed with brain cancer more than a year ago. He tried to keep it from us – his illness, his pain, his medication, not until he passed out while I was with him a few days ago. I thought it was just the scorching summer heat but my instincts told me otherwise. I brought him to the nearest hospital and instead of the emergency room, the head nurse told me to bring him to the oncology section.

The oncologist was there and he told me the truth about Jaehyun’s condition.

I was so shocked and fear started to eat me. I called him mom and she booked a flight as soon as she heard the news.

Jaehyun fell asleep in my arms as he cried himself to deep slumber. It was hard for me for sleep that night. I did not know what to do. It was depressing but I know that Jaehyun needs the strong me right now.

Since his confinement, the hospital had been my second home. After school, I spend time with him. I will tell stories about my day while helping him around. I always bring apples to him as it is his favorite fruit. I will sometimes sneak his favorite samgyupsal even if his doctor tells him that he is not allowed to eat salty food. I did everything to make him smile. Sometimes, I sleep on the chair beside him while holding his hand.

But there are times when he will wake up with extreme headache. I try hard not to cry in front of him so I excuse myself and cry my heart out inside the bathroom.

His oncologist talked to us and he told us that they cannot do anything anymore. The cancer cells have spread and no amount of chemotherapy or medication can cure it. I cried myself to sleep that night. Since then, I spent 24/7 with Jaehyun. His mom was also concerned over me but I keep on insisting that

“Hey.” Jaehyun caressed my cheeks one afternoon. I tried to smile at him genuinely even if it is hurting inside.

“I’m sorry.” He said apologetically.

“Hmm? For what?” I held his hands preventing myself from crying.

“For making you cry.” He worriedly intertwined my hands with his. “I know that you’re always crying because of me.”

“You’re not making me cry,” I tried to deny. He just smiled at me.

“Thank you.” Jaehyun smiled reaching his eyes. “For taking care of me, for letting me love you, for everything.”

I can’t help but let a few tear drop because of what he said. Thank you, too, Jaehyun. For everything.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.” I answered whole-heartedly.

“Yah! Stinky head. Go home first. You need to get a proper sleep and take a bath.” He teased and jokingly covered his nose.

“I need to stay with you.” I firmly told me.

“I will be okay. Just go for like eight hours. Get some sleep. I’ll be okay.” He insisted.

“Promise?” I held my pinky finger and he sealed it with his.

“Promise.”

I went home that night, took a bath and got some sleep.

I woke up with the sound of my phone ringing. I answered it but did not speak as I was still half-asleep.

“He’s gone.” His mom said on the other line. All the colors left my face. This can’t be true.

Without saying word, I immediately went to the hospital only to see his mom inside the room.

“Where is Jaehyun?” I asked not wanting to accept the truth. His mom just hugged me and cried. I whispered, “It’s not true.”

It took him three weeks to fall from cancer. It was just the middle of the summer. We were supposed to visit the Hanagae Beach again. We were supposed to travel to Jeju. We were supposed to apply for masters together. We planned the future.

We stayed there for hours crying and trying to accept that he is gone forever. It felt like a part of me died with him and it was the best part.

It was hard to accept the fact but here I am, sitting beside his tomb holding the dolphin stuff toy and a letter he asked his mom to give me once he was gone.

He knew it all along and he didn’t want me to see him go. What a bastard.

“Hey.” I greeted him. “That was unfair. But I know you are in a better place now. I will read this with you okay? You need to see me ugly cry because it’s your fault. Joke. I love you my genius bastard.”

I tried not to cry but my tears are not threatening to fall. I opened the letter he left for me.

“Ya.” I chuckled at his voice. It was weak yet lively at the same time. It was very Jaehyun. “I’m sorry to leave without you. You know that it has been hard for me too, right?”

Yes baby, I know.

“I tried not to show it to you. I was good in keeping it, right?”

So good but it hurts a lot.

“I’m sorry but please stop crying because of me. I was happy with you but I am happier to wherever I am right now. So please, don’t cry.”

I will try, Jaehyun but let me cry just this time.

“Did you know that I liked you since we started being classmates? And it took me three semesters to approach you because I did not know how.”

I did not know that, Jaehyun. You were this mighty genius bastard who everyone likes while I was just a wallflower.

“Have you ever wondered why I gave you so many dolphins? My mom once told me that dolphin symbolizes peace and joy. For few semesters, you became my source of peace and joy. You don’t know that of course.”

I also don’t know that pabo. I thought it was because I scream like one.

“I love you much that it hurts to leave without you but promise me that you will be happy without me. I promise that I will look over you as much as you took care of me these past few months. I love you so much.”

I love you too Jaehyun.

“P.S. Whenever you miss my voice, just press the heart of the last dolphin I gave you.”

I pressed the heart of the dolphin and I heard his soulful voice

“badaboda yeppeun yeppeun

neoui jageun soneul japgo japgo

gateun kkumeul kkuneun

yeogin Paradise Paradise

Para- dise dise dise

byeolbiccboda balkeun balkeun

neoui misoga nan joha joha

gateun kkumeul kkuneun

yeogin Paradise Paradise

Para- dise dise dise"

I was crying while listening to his voice and it was the last time I heard him say my name.

“I love you. Goodbye, Summer.”