[One]

In my whole life, I have loved only Kang Jae Young. I didn’t know why or how I fall for her. I didn’t even know when I’ve fallen into her love. Those times, I was only one innocent, naïve guy that fall for a girl.

My mum used to say, “Love is happiness.” Yes, indeed. Love was happiness for two persons. Nevertheless, my love was unspoken, it was untold, unspeakable. For me, it was the cruellest heaven’s punishment for a human. Truly, it was hurtful.

At one point, I thought of things to be like this, I wanted things to be like this. I should’ve not met her at the first place. I should’ve lived in another person’s world, instead of hers. If only that happened, maybe I wasn’t like this. If only I lived without knowing her, I wouldn’t known this pain and hurtful love.

I knew it. Everyone in this world would’ve said, “Tell her your feelings,” or, “Wish for her happiness with another guy.” But, I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t tell her my feelings because she was my friend. I was just another good friend to her. And, I couldn’t afford to lose this friendship.

Also, I couldn’t wish her happiness with another guy. I couldn’t, just couldn’t. She loved this one guy. And, she was still very much in love with this guy. The problem was they were not together anymore. While she was very hurt from the separation and she was still waiting for him. She blamed herself for the separation, even though it was clear that it was all because of the third party.

I was her best friend along the whole time after the separation. I didn’t know how her first love going on. I knew how the guy look like. I just didn’t know him. And, I just want to punch him in the face for breaking her heart. But, I know, it would only going to hurt her more. And, I was only a good friend. Because of that, I held back.

[Two]

“Yun Ho-ya, you know why you’re my friend?” she said on one fine day. “Because you’re a guy,” she answered the question herself.

“Why? You don’t befriend with girl?” I teased. “You’re really a boyish one,” I said, ruffled her hair.

“Yah!” she hit my arm.

I whined in pain. “You hit like a man!” I pointed out.

“It’s not like that,” she hissed. “Having a girl friend is great too,” she claimed.

“You know the way you said it just now? It’s like you considered having a girl friend. So lesbian,” I pressed on the “girl friend” and “lesbian” terms, laughing.

She lifted her hand again. I ducked. “I’m sorry, sorry. It was a joke,” I pleaded, explaining.

“That wasn’t even funny, you idiot,” she hissed, rolled her eyes. “I always have girl best friends before you,” she said, sticking out her tongue to me.

“The best thing about you is you won’t cheat on me with my boyfriend,” she pointed out. “Well, unless you’re gay,” she said, laughing in victory for teasing me back.

“Miss Kang, for your information, I’m straight,” I said, poking her head. “And, with who I want to cheat you? You don’t even have a boyfriend,” I back.

“Talking to you is endless,” she rolled her eyes and got up.

“Where you want to go?” I got up too, held her arm. I looked at her, she was uneasy. “If you want to go meet him, take me too, silly,” I said, pulling her to walk with me.

“Yun Ho-ya, thank you,” she said, lowering her head.

I pulled her close. “Friends don’t say thanks,” I said.

[Three]

That was everything that I could done for her. I watched her, went to the field, seeing him. Every day without fail, she would go to the field, watch him play sports. For her, that was happiness.

She always said, “Being able to watch from afar is good enough.” Sometimes, I envied her. She was so strong that she able to love just from afar, while me, I was feeling very hurt, unable to do anything for her and for me.

She always showed up on his every competition, rooting for him. How I wish he would acknowledge that. So that he would know how she had been loving him all this time.

Yes, I always thought about my life if I didn’t know her. All of those times, I couldn’t help but to feel very guilty. Yes, I was guilty for feeling that my life would be better without her. If I didn’t live in her world, she would be alone and feeling so lonely.

But, I loved her, with all my heart, that I couldn’t tolerate that she had other guy in her heart. I felt hurt. My heart was shivering and trembling every time I reminded myself that I was only friend to her.

That was why I made a foolish decision that hurt both of us. Her heart and my heart.

[Four]

“Jae Young-ah, I will fly to Japan, tomorrow,” I said to her, after debating with myself for few weeks.

“Japan? Tomorrow?” she asked, shocked. “And, you only tell me now?” she asked again.

“I’m sorry, I just want to go,” I said, lowering my head in depression.

“It is so important? That you have to leave me?” she asked, persistently.

“Don’t ask too many things. I’m confused too!” I raised my voice, in anger.

She looked shocked and held back. “Okay, fine. Go, I’m used to this anyway. All of you wanted to go so much,” she said, with sparkling eyes, which clearly was teary.

“Jae Young-ah, I’m sorry,” I pleaded, trying to reach out for her hand.

She dodged my hand, pulling her hand beyond my reach.

“Goodbye, take care,” she said, backed. “Thank you for everything, Jung Yun Ho,” she continued before turning her back to me.

[Five]

I was off to Japan. I lived there, even though there was nothing that pulled me to be there. I just wanted to run away from my feelings towards Jae Young.

I was selfish. I sold our friendship just because I refused to be hurt by loving her.

Even though every day I tried to forget her. No matter how my mind throw her away. Despite how my lips tried to erase her name. I just couldn’t. My heart already hid her inside. And, she couldn’t seem to get out from my heart.

Although she wasn’t anywhere in my sight, I always remembered her. My heart always called her name out, unwilling to let this feelings go away.

I always thought that this love is a punishment. But, I seemed to have forgotten about this punishment. But, I always afraid that I will unknowingly tell her about my feelings. To have those three words of “I love you” to be said to her, made me scared.

However, one day, I received a mail from Korea. It was a engagement invitation.