Nostalgia

A rev of an engine momentarily brought him out of his daze as he habitually inhaled another breath of the cancer stick enveloped between his long fingers. He watched her speed away from his line of sight and shook his head, letting out a bitter chuckle. He questioned the amount of times he had restlessly requested that she drive slower out of his own concern for her safety, but there was never any use. Her witty response was always “but oppa, you drive faster than me.” It was truly amusing in the sense that they both live like how they drive: at the speed of light.

Dara frowned as she observed Chaerin anxiously nibble at her lips. “So…you guys talked.” She gathered as she carefully cut into her steak.

“Yes.” Chaerin replied, earning a sigh from the latter in frustration. She forked onto the asparagus sitting on the side of her plate and cautiously placed it between her lips and slowly chewed as she let her mind wander.

“And…?”

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean ‘nothing’?” Dara exasperatingly questioned as she threw her hands up to signal ‘air quotes’.

“It wasn’t anything serious, just casual conversation.” She exhaled, reaching for the glass of wine that sat in front of her.

“Rin…did he mention Nana?”

Chaerin allowed the sip of wine to sit between her lips and gently swallowed. She shook her head slowly. “He doesn’t owe me an explanation you know.”

Dara shook her heading, disagreeing. “I think it’s the least he owes you.”

There was a moment of stillness in the air while Chaerin carefully pondered Dara’s words. slightly closed at the anxiety of the current conversation, and it left her eyebrows furrowing.

“I don’t think so.” Chaerin eyed the polished glass enveloped between her manicured fingers and feigned interest to avoid meeting the latter’s piercing gaze. Her teeth lightly gripped her bottom lip as a light breath escaped. “I want what’s best for him, unnie.” She paused hesitantly before swallowing. “It didn’t work out between us, so I can’t blame him for being with someone else.”

Dara nodded slowly, acknowledging Chaerin’s words. It was difficult watching the pain on the younger member’s features and it was even more difficult being witness to Chaerin’s hurt when the two had broken up.

Granted, their relationship had never been consistent and there were multiple occasions where the two had broken up or had taken a minor break, but still – they always fell back together because they had grown up together and their lives were far too interlinked to give up what they had. Everyone recognized they were end game, so it came as a complete surprise when they decided to separate officially.

Dara slowly parted her lips as she cautiously moulded her next sentence. “Do you think he’d be happy for you if the roles were reversed?”

Chaerin’s gaze adverted down as she processed Dara’s words. “I hope so.” She mustered.

The late autumn air was chilly, and a light breeze left the leaves rustling as Jiyong overlooked the twinkling lights of Seoul’s skyline. His arms rested on top of the balcony railing while his fingers gracefully wrapped around a clear glass. He swiftly took a sip of the contents within his hands and the bitter taste of whiskey lingered on his tongue as he swallowed the harsh liquid.

He loved the stillness at this time of night, it was a form of peace he never had the luxury of having. The bright lights of the bustling city glowed off his features as he watched the crowds of people walk along the streets. From his view, they all looked so small. However, he knew they each carried their own story and struggles and somehow, that reminder occasionally made him feel vaguely less alone.

Jiyong had been so encased in his thoughts that he didn’t detect a certain familiar figure had walked up behind him.

“Thinking?” The faint female voice questioned.

Jiyong nodded in answer and fleetingly looked over when she planted herself next to him.

“What’s on your mind?” She observed as his gaze left her and swiftly wrapped her arms around herself as a cold breeze hit.

“Did I wake you?” Jiyong asked but his eyes remained on the surrounding view.

She noted his avoidance of her question but chose to not pry further. She shook her head in response and her lips curved into a half smile. “I woke up for some water and noticed you weren’t in bed.”

“Oh, I see.” He took another gulp of the glass of alcohol resting between his fingers. “I couldn’t sleep.”

She parted her lips to speak but before her voice could sound, he cut her off.

“Get some rest Nana, I’ll be there in a bit.”

She glanced over at him and watched as a look of bitterness surrounded his features. Nana lightly sighed in frustration as she bit her bottom lip in attempt to supress her curiosity, but it was to no avail.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about.” She mentally kicked herself as the sentence came out almost in the form of a plea.

“It’s nothing babe.” He reassured as he glanced over, his eyes meeting hers. Jiyong’s lips contorted into a smile as he lightly patted her on the head.

Nana’s eyebrows furrowed as a wave of uncertainty hit her, she momentarily looked down before reluctantly meeting his stare once more. She felt a sense of hollowness wash over and her face morphed into disappointment. He never lets me in, she thought.

Despite it all, she proceeded to pick up her feet and slowly paced back inside. She watched Jiyong course his fingers through his disheveled locks before chugging the rest of the whiskey laced between his hands as she closed the door behind her.

That night, she tossed and turned impatiently as she waited for him to crawl back into bed, but he never did. The slam of the front door was heard instead, as her heart sunk to her stomach.

Jiyong wasn’t certain where he was speeding to or whether he was even sober enough to be driving. All he knew was that if his foot continued lowering on the gas, it stopped the overwhelming thoughts from consuming him.

It eventually led him to the elevator within the YG building as he tentatively pressed the button that led to the rooftop. He gripped a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other, but his mind remained scattered.

As the elevator dinged and the doors separated, a sudden lump of anxiety formed in his throat. He scoffed in pure disbelief and the ridiculousness of it all as his gaze landed on a specific blonde sitting on top of the gray cement ledge. Was the universe playing some sort of sick joke on him? He pondered as he moved closer to the small figure.

He observed as a cloud of smoke floated off her body and instantly stopped dead in his tracks. Jiyong fleetingly questioned whether his mind was playing tricks on him as his brows twisted into a frown. Was that – is she ing smoking?

“That’s not good for you.” Jiyong muttered, unaware of the sheer hypocrisy in his words.

Momentarily startled, Chaerin’s frame hastily circled around. Her eyebrows quirked up and her eyes promptly darted between the items encased within his fingers.

“Says the guy with cigarettes and a whiskey bottle in hand.” She retorted, forming into an amused grin. She brought the vape to her lips and proceeded to inhale another puff.

If Chaerin was being honest, she was entirely dumbfounded to see him. Beginning with the sheer nostalgia this place brought for the two of them, and the fact that she didn’t expect to see him so soon, but also because she had hoped for the opportunity to arrange her current thoughts.

“Touché.” Jiyong answered before tentatively taking a seat beside her.

There was a lengthy moment of silence and Jiyong found himself analyzing her features. He didn’t intend to stare, and it was apparent she had sensed it when her gaze met his.

They both sat, for a brief instant holding eye contact. There was a certain sensation of comfort and understanding both members couldn’t quite place.

Jiyong was first to break the gaze as his rough hands swiftly opened the box of imports and habitually lit a cigarette. By the time his eyes shifted back up, Chaerin was once again overlooking the view.

“You still come up here often to think?” His gaze settled on the empty office on the frontline of his sight.

“Sometimes.” She admitted. “You?”

“Me too.” Jiyong sighed, pulling the stick between his lips before taking in a long drag.

It wasn’t directly spoken but both members comprehended what it meant. The rooftop held a weighted significance on their relationship. There were just far too many moments and too many memories they had both created in this space.

Jiyong placed the liquor bottle against his lips before taking a swig of liquid. He allowed the contents to sit before gulping as the familiar burn hit his stomach. A dark chuckle escaped as he reflected on the absurdity of the current situation.

Chaerin immediately turned her head towards him in confusion. What the hell was so funny?

Instead of responding, Jiyong placed the bottle between his lips once more and chugged the contents before offering it up to her.

Chaerin considered it for a brief second before taking it within her hands. She sipped the liquid slowly and let out a deep breath.

“This is ridiculous, isn’t it?” He asked as he inhaled another puff of smoke before leveling his eyes to hers.

“Wh- “

“ing ridiculous.” A sudden anger formed and burned his lungs as he spoke. Jiyong wasn’t definite what he was livid towards, but the rage grew.

“I think you’re drunk Jiyong.”

“What do you even know?” He retorted, scowling.

The harshness momentarily stunned Chaerin but her facial expressions did not waver. Instead, she elected not to respond as the tension hung thick in the air.

“What the are we doing here right now?” He questioned, as another laugh that did not reach his eyes escaped. “It’s ing dumb.”

“Yeah.” Her voice was so soft, it almost came out in the form of a whisper.

He wasn’t wrong and Chaerin knew all too well what he meant. It felt so strange to sit next to one another feigning normalcy when they had become complete strangers to each other. Chaerin fleetingly wondered whether this was some sort of ty karma the universe decided to curse upon her.

“I guess it didn’t use to be like this.” Her lips twisted into a bitter smile as she broke the stare. She squinted her eyes to contain a stinging in her nose and gulped harshly to supress a sudden urge to cry.

“No.” He continued watching her as his own expressions faltered and his shoulders sulked. His mind scoured for comprehensible words before he landed on the only thing that made sense. “We had fun…didn’t we?” By now, the anger had morphed into a dull pain, and he absolutely despised it.

Chaerin nodded, allowing a deep sigh to be released. “Yeah, we did.”

“It feels so long ago.” He admitted, his eyebrows furrowing as his face contorted with pain. His honesty surprised even himself as a wave of nostalgia consumed him. It felt weird revealing his feelings, but it brought an odd sense of relief.

Chaerin dejectedly eyed downwards as she fiddled with the ring on her pointer finger uncomfortably. The sentence emerged an array of emotions she had been struggling to curb.

He adverted his gaze away from her and focused on a flickering streetlight as he feigned interest. Maybe he had taken his words too far, but he certainly was not apologetic for it either.

They never had the opportunity to speak on their emotions post breakup. Both member’s allowed time to pass and separately coped in the only ways they knew how. But still, the ache was always there.

“You know…” Chaerin paused for a second to collect her thoughts. “I wonder if it would’ve been different if we didn’t meet when we were both so young.”

Her sentence dwelled on his mind as his arms stretched for another cigarette. “Maybe.” He confessed as he pondered her words. Would it have been different?

“We really thought we knew it all huh?” A few light chuckles spilled from Chaerin’s lips as she recalled the bittersweet memories. It all felt so distant to her now.

“We knew enough.” He allowed the smoke to sit in between his lips as a sinking feeling hit. “I mean yeah we were ing dumb kids, but you were my best friend too.”

Chaerin nodded in agreement as she developed the courage to look over at him once more. “Yeah well, it ing losing your best friend.”

Jiyong narrowed his eyes on her. “Chae…”

“No Jiyong, I think we’ve both said too much tonight.” And as if on cue, a huge drift of wind blew in their direction and Chaerin wrapped her coat around herself tighter. She positioned herself to leave but was cut short by his voice.

“Wait.” Jiyong sighed exasperatedly as he shifted closer to her figure.

“No, you’re right Jiyong. This is ing dumb.” She shook her head in disbelief as she studied the outrageousness of the entire situation. “What the hell are we doing right now?”

The questioned left Jiyong stumped as he attempted to form a comprehendible sentence. “I don’t know…” He muttered as he hopelessly watched her.

“Exactly.” She stated, clenching her teeth. She began stepping for the door once more before she felt a tight grip wrap around her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

“Just talk to me.” His eyes darted between hers and he fleetingly wondered how pathetic he seemed in the moment.

“About what? Things that happened 10 years ago?” Her volume increased as she desperately struggled to contain the emotions ripping at her heart. “We have to let that go.”

Jiyong paced closer to her body as his features darkened and the previously tamed rage resurfaced. “10 ing years! We grew up together Chaerin! You want to just let that ing go?”

“YES!” She exclaimed, hands flying up in frustration. “Because what else are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t know! Maybe not walk out like you always ing do?!” He breathed heavily as he scoffed in utter disbelief at her audacity.

Chaerin took a single step forward as she closed out the gap between them. She pointed a trembling finger at his chest accusingly as she spoke. “Do not put this on me Kwon Jiyong. You were a part of it all just as much as I was, and you know that!”

“You’re right, but I wasn’t the one who left us behind Chaerin!” Jiyong swallowed hard before exhaling deeply. “You ing did that.”

“You think it was easy for me to throw away 10 ing years?”

Silence.

She cleared and continued. “Do you really believe that after everything, that was what I wanted for us?” Her lips quivered as her sight fogged with the color red. Her heart battered heavily against her chest as she watched a series of emotions flicker across Jiyong’s features. First it was anger, then shock, and finally hurt.

Jiyong’s heart shattered upon her words and he gulped harshly in efforts to dull the pain. “Then…” His voice cracked as his anxiety threatened to close his throat whole. “Work it out with me.”

“Jiyong, no…” Chaerin’s shoulders sulked dejectedly as she blinked away tears.

“Please.” He begged. Jiyong was fully aware he couldn’t possibly seem any more pathetic than he did at this very moment but any good conscious had left him minutes ago.

“Jiyong, no. You don’t get to do this to me every single ing time.” Chaerin slowly shook her head as she prayed for patience. She wished desperately to feel numb so she wouldn’t care at all.

Jiyong’s mouth opened to speak but Chaerin cut him off.

“I know you, probably better than you know yourself sometimes so I’m going to ask you a question Jiyong.”

His eyebrows scrunched into a frown as he observed tears cascade from her eyes.

“Nana– She’s probably at your place right now, right? Sleeping on your bed and waiting for you to come home?” Chaerin eagerly waited on a response from him and when nothing was eventually uttered from his lips, she found her answer.

“Got it.” She threw her hands up in defeat as she nodded in acceptance. “We’re done here.” She finished before leaving him standing there.

SURPRISE! I hated the second chapter and decided to change it completely. I know it's been a while since I've updated but life has been extremely overwhelming. I can't guarantee I'll always be consistent but I'll always try to write and update in my spare time (no more 3yr hiatuses, promise!). I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and a wonderful winter holiday so far. It means the world to receive some feedback so please make sure you upvote, subscribe, and comment! Until next time :)) talk soon!