Song

 

Sneakers splashing around in puddles, Changbin and Felix held hands and laughed like crazy as they ran down Avenue des Champs-Élysées.

Rain in Paris. Typical.

Their hands kept slipping, they were stumbling, hardly able to follow each other’s pace, but getting separated was not an option. They came to a sudden stop in front of an H&M, Felix smacking into Changbin.

Changbin was waving, stepping out towards the street. Felix laughed at him and how silly he looked, but Changbin managed to catch them a taxi.

He lightly pushed Felix inside and got in himself. Changbin then nudged Felix, it was his turn.

The younger leaned over, pushed the wet strands of hair out of his eyes and said, “English?”

The driver seemed tired and maybe a little annoyed but he nodded nonetheless.

Felix smiled and gave the name and address of their hotel, then leaned back in his seat. Changbin and him placed their backpacks down and scooted close to each other. Changbin engulfed Felix in a hug, but the younger immediately started squirming.

“No~ You’re all wet!”

“So what? You are too,” Changbin defended himself. “If we don’t keep warm, we’ll both catch a cold!” He then shrugged off his soaked jacket and pulled the sleeve of his hoodie over his hand; he used that to wipe the water drops off of Felix’s face. Changbin pulled the younger’s hood on and kissed his nose.

Felix was by then melted into a small puddle of blush. He let himself fall forward, pressing his forehead to Changbin’s shoulder.

“You take such good care of me,” he whispered.

“Always,” Changbin said just as quietly, holding Felix against his chest.

They stopped at a red light. The crimson colour refracted in the water drops on the windows, filling the space with its warm hue.

Felix hadn’t given him an ‘always’ back, but maybe that was for the better. Changbin needed to learn to live in the moment and not worry about the future.

But it was so close, too close. Just a few heartbeats away. Changbin could lose Felix any second, and it terrified him. He felt safer with a plan, with some sort of assurance that they’d be together forever, but this meant pressure to Felix. So, for his sake, Changbin tried to focus on the moment.

He focused on Felix’s fingers in Changbin’s wet hair, on Felix’s breath against his lips, the younger’s gaze wondering and his lashes brushing Changbin’s cheek. Changbin tried to focus on him leaning in and their lips connecting, on their bodies pressed together as close as possible. In that moment, time did not exist.

* * *

Earlier that day, they had visited Sacré-Cœur and taken a walk to Montmartre. Felix had taken the lead; he’d said that he wanted to get lost there, in tiny streets far away from the square where artists sold their works to tourists, with gift shops, cafes and restaurants.

Hand in hand, they moved through narrow streets, the noise gradually growing quieter. They moved through the streets, likely going in circles but they didn’t care. They took pictures of the small, colourful yet warn down houses, of the view, of each other and, of course, they took selfies.

A bit further from Montmartre itself, they stumbled upon a steep, narrow street which led way towards Moulin Rouge. There was a flat surface with a railing by a barred door. From there they could see a lot of Paris in between houses.

The sun made Felix’s hair look golden, his eyes amber and his freckles more prominent.

“Don’t move,” Changbin said to Felix, who was standing by the railing and admiring the view.

He turned around, a bit confused and Changbin snatched the opportunity to snap a few pictures.

Felix immediately turned back around, hiding his face with his sweater paw. “Seriously, hyung... By now our pictures are 89% a blond , 1% you and a remaining 10% of Paris.”

Putting his camera away, Changbin walked the few steps over and slipped his arms around Felix’s waist from behind.

“No... Our pictures are 1% me, 10% Paris and 89% a freckly angel,” he said, pressing a kiss to Felix’s cheek.

Felix’s lips stretched into a flustered, heart-shaped smile. He spun in Changbin’s arms and wrapped his arms around the older’s neck, nuzzling into him.

“Silly hyung,” he mumbled.

Changbin didn’t let him hide like that. He pulled away and cupped Felix’s cheek, then lightly poked one of the freckles on his nose. “That one’s my favourite,” Changbin said.

Felix whined at his cheesiness. “You always pick a different one.”

Changbin smiled brightly. “Busted. They’re all my favourite!”

Felix banged his tiny fist on Changbin’s shoulder. He just smiled and took the younger’s hands in his own. Changbin pressed kisses to his knuckles, then smiled up at him.

“Felix, I’m in love you,” he said.

It had never been said like that before and yet Felix wasn’t so surprised. Overwhelmed, yes, but not surprised.

“I’m in love with you too, hyung,” he said softly.

Changbin pressed his forehead to Felix’s. “I’m in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Changbin whispered.

In that moment, Felix pulled away, giving Changbin a wary look. “You’re not, like... Proposing?”

Changbin blinked then chuckled, shaking his head. “What? No! I’m just saying, because... I don’t know, maybe someday...”

Felix got tense and started chewing on his bottom lip. While he was figuring out what to say, Changbin’s smile faded as his entire world slowly crumbled. He let go of Felix to give him some space and turned towards Paris.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Felix said and stood next to Changbin, holding onto his sleeve. “I love you. I really do. I just feel like there’s a lot of time and things change, you know.”

Changbin swallowed the tears burning in his throat. “Yeah, I know.” It was all he could manage at the moment. Felix rested his head on his shoulder and took his hand, locking their fingers.

“I look ahead, that’s all.”

“Way ahead,” Felix mumbled.

They looked at each other and chuckled, although it died out quickly.

Changbin sighed. “That’s just something I want to do and... Maybe I’m not such a big fan of change.”

“I know,” Felix mumbled. “I know you like to have things planned out, which is good. If you weren’t like that, we never would have made it here. But I think you worry too much about the future. Let’s have fun right now and not think about what’s going to happen in many, many years...”

Changbin wanted to agree, but the truth was that he was scared. Terrified even. He was aware that things do change and that the two of them were still young, but at the moment he needed reassurance that Felix would stay.

Felix carefully cupped Changbin’s cheeks so that he can’t avoid his gaze anymore.

“I love you. I’m sorry but I don’t know what more I can give you. Right now, that’s all I know,” he whispered.

Changbin took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, it’s... It’s okay. Let’s keep moving, yeah?”

* * *

City lights started to swirl around them as the car moved. Somewhere along the way it had stopped raining and through the rain drops on the glass behind Felix, a bright light flashed.

Felix pulled away and swiftly turned around. He gasped and placed his palms on the glass. The lights illuminating the Arc de Triomphe reflected in his eyes.

Changbin could only look at him.

For most of the ride, at least the part that went through the centre, Felix admired the various monuments, no matter the fact that they were too far to see properly. Felix was laughing in delight; even though they’d seen it all during the day, it was a completely different experience now, a completely different perspective.

“Hyung, look!” Felix said breathlessly, reaching to grab Changbin’s hand.

The older scooted over and placed his chin on Felix’s shoulder, looking out the window. The Eifel Tower was in the far distance, bathing in a caramel light.

“It’s beautiful,” Changbin whispered.

Felix felt like his chest would burst. He intertwined their fingers and pressed Changbin’s hand to his chest. He was holding his breath.

Changbin pressed kisses to Felix’s cheek, jaw, neck, anywhere he let him. “Breathe,” Changbin reminded.

Felix turned back towards him, cupped his cheeks and gave him a breathtaking kiss. Changbin could feel the tears on Felix’s cheeks, but he wasn’t worried. Felix was just overwhelmed – in the best way possible.

They were still mostly wet by the time they reached their room. Changbin’s curls were out of control and Felix’s sneezing was out of control.

“Go take a shower and I’m making a blanket burrito out of you after,” Changbin warned. “You’re not catching a cold on my watch. This vacation isn’t over yet,” he said and pecked Felix’s forehead.

“I don’t need you to baby me around! I’m fine—“ His sentence was cut off by a tiny sneeze.

“Do as I said! For your own good,” Changbin added softly and lightly pushed Felix towards the bathroom.

Later, when they were both in their pyjamas, Changbin kept his promise and rolled Felix up in both their blankets. The younger was giggling the entire time.

Felix reached from under the blankets and ruffled Changbin’s hair. “Fluffy,” he said, smiling softly. Then he completely wiggled out of the blankets and wrapped his arms tightly around Changbin’s waist.

“Hey—What’re you...?”

Felix took a deep, shaky breath. He looked up, chin rested on Changbin’s chest. “Hyung... You’ve given me a beautiful three years and the most beautiful two weeks of my life. Don’t ever forget that. Please don’t worry so much. We’ll be fine. Because nothing will ever erase what you’ve given me.”

Now Changbin was the one who was tearing up. He couldn’t think of much to say other than a shaky, “I promise.”

Felix let go of Changbin and shuffled around to get them both under the blankets. Then he curled up into Changbin’s side and looked up at him with tired eyes.

“I love you. Don’t ever forget that either.”

“I love you too,” Changbin uttered, barely.

Felix pressed a single, soft kiss to Changbin’s lips and whispered a “Goodnight.”

Changbin said it back, but Felix was already asleep.