I

“I’m getting married!”

Jiyeon looks at Xuanyi’s glowing smile, the smile that used to be directed at her, and feels her heart shatter.

“That-that’s great!” She uses every vestige of her acting abilities to paste a smile on her face. “I’m so happy for you!”

“Thank you!” Xuanyi holds out her hand and waggles her fingers, showing off the glittering ring there. Jiyeon has to force herself to look at it; it’s a beautiful ring and all, but she wants to tear it off Xuanyi’s finger. “You’ll come to the wedding, right?”

“Of course.” She hopes her smile stays. “How could I miss it?”

“I’m so excited.” Xuanyi claps her hands to her cheeks, her eyes shining. She’s positively radiant with joy, like she’s giving off light, and Jiyeon tries to collect a piece for herself. Xuanyi lets out an embarrassed laugh. “Sorry, I’m acting like one of those stereotypical girls in the movies.”

“No, it’s. It’s good. I’m glad you’re happy.” And she is. She’s happy that Xuanyi is happy, that’s what she wants for Xuanyi, would always want for Xuanyi. She just wishes that she could have been the reason for that happiness.

“How about you? Have you found someone?”

Yes, Jiyeon thinks. I’m looking at her right now.

“Not yet.” She shakes her head. “Maybe one day.”

Xuanyi stares at her so intently it makes her heart shake in the confine of her ribs, straining to reach its owner. “You’ll find someone wonderful, like you deserve.”

“I—” Jiyeon can’t think of another word to say, and she’s rescued from that when Xuanyi’s phone gives a bleep.

Xuanyi checks it. “It’s my fiancé. I’m sorry, I have to go.”

My fiancé. Jiyeon’s heart breaks a little more at the word, at the way Xuanyi’s eyes shine as she says it. Xuanyi’s expression would have put the sun to shame, but Jiyeon feels like there’s an eclipse in her heart.

“Okay,” Jiyeon says.

“It was good to see you again.” Xuanyi gives her a firm, fleeting hug. “I’ll message you about the wedding!”

“Okay,” Jiyeon repeats, hands curling into fists at her sides so she won’t cling to Xuanyi. She does it with such force that she feels like she draws blood; it’s not the only place she’s bleeding.

Xuanyi is every inch the beautiful bride Jiyeon knew she would be. She’s imagined Xuanyi walking down the aisle in a flowing white dress before on more than one occasion, but she was the one to meet her at the end of the aisle, not this man. Her husband. Just thinking of the word leaves a sick taste in Jiyeon’s mouth. She tries to drown it out with champagne, tries to drown it all out, but doesn’t succeed.

“Unnie, you shouldn’t drink so much,” Cheng Xiao whispers. She’s been looking at Jiyeon with concern throughout the ceremony, and Jiyeon has a feeling that if it weren’t for fear of making a scene Cheng Xiao would have pulled her somewhere to talk to her.

“Let me,” Jiyeon says. “Where else am I going to have so much free alcohol?”

Cheng Xiao gives Luda a look screaming help. Luda scrutinizes Jiyeon with an expression of what’s clearly pity, before shaking her head.

“Let her drink. It’s almost over anyway.”

“It’s already over,” Jiyeon slurs. “Everything is over.” Suddenly, she wants to cry.

“There, there,” Sojung soothes her, running a hand down her back. “If anyone asks, she’s crying because she’s so happy,” she says out of the corner of .

“You should eat something if you’re going to drink so much,” Luda says, pushing a plate of shrimp towards her. “Come on, you like these.”

Jiyeon shakes her head. “I’m not hungry. I want”—Xuanyi, another chance, Xuanyi, time to be rewound, Xuanyi—“more champagne.”

She glances over at the centre of the room, where Xuanyi’s groom lifts the veil off her face. Xuanyi is looking at him like he’s the centre of her universe, the way Jiyeon has fantasized Xuanyi looking at her so many times. He leans in to kiss her.

“More champagne,” Jiyeon says forcefully.

She goes outside for some air, shaking off her friends’ offers to come with her. They mean well, but she needs to be alone right now.

The cool air slaps her cheeks and wakes her up a little. She isn’t as drunk as she wants to be, but she doesn’t want to make a scene at Xuanyi’s wedding, doesn’t want to ruin what’s supposed to be the most special day of her life.

“What’s the maid of honour doing out here when she should be enjoying the wedding?” comes a drawling male voice.

She glances at him. “I could ask the best man the same.”

He gives a rueful laugh. “I don’t particularly want to celebrate the love of my life marrying someone else.”

Her eyes widen. She’s sure he isn’t talking about Xuanyi. “You mean—”

“You can relate, can’t you?” he says, taking out a box of cigarettes and a lighter. “Sorry, do you mind?”

“No, go ahead,” she says, even though she can’t stand the smell of smoke. She can hardly blame him for needing something right now. “How do you know…”

“That you’re in love with the bride? It’s easy, really. You look at her the way she looks at him.” He chuckles, lights a cigarette and exhales out a plume of smoke. She tries not to wrinkle her nose; at least he directs it away from her. “The way I look at him.”

Jiyeon is silent, staring into the distance like there’s a better future to be seen there, even though all she sees is mist.

“We should get back,” he says, “before the lovely couple notices our absence. Wouldn’t want to ruin their special day.”

There’s a mocking tone to his voice, but she thinks he means it. If he had suggested doing something disruptive, she doesn’t know if she would have stopped him or joined him.

He holds out his arm with an exaggerated bow. “Can I do the honour of escorting this lovely lady back?”

Jiyeon gives a ragged laugh. “Sure, why not?” She takes his arm as they walk back towards the hall. “Do you think it’ll get better?”

He takes a moment to reply. “Maybe,” he says. “Maybe not.”

It’s not much of an answer at all, but she doesn’t begrudge him for the ambiguity. He’s telling the truth, without sugar-coating or naïve optimism. There’s no way of knowing the future, after all. If Jiyeon knew that she would one day be a spectator at Xuanyi’s wedding, maybe she would have done things differently.

There’s no point in thinking about it now, no point in dwelling on unfulfilled possibilities and untaken paths, but Jiyeon is all too well-acquainted with what ifs.

Cheng Xiao has an unmistakeable look of relief when Jiyeon returns to their table. “I thought you—” she starts, but swallows the words.

“Weren’t going to come back?” Jiyeon supplies wryly. “No, I wouldn’t do that to Xuanyi.”

“Was that the best man you were talking to?” Sojung asks.

“Yeah.” Jiyeon gives a laugh. “Want his number? I think he could use someone to comfort him right now.” She gives another laugh and realizes she sounds vaguely deranged but can’t quite bring herself to care. “Maybe I should have been that someone. We’re in the same boat after all.”

Her friends are starting to look alarmed. “I told you we shouldn’t have let her drink so much,” Cheng Xiao hisses.

“You want her to be crying her eyes out instead?” Luda says. “That’s probably the alternative.”

“Who’s crying?” interjects a bright voice. “Tears of joy, I hope.”

“Xuanyi,” Sojung says quickly. “What are you doing here?”

Xuanyi laughs. “What do you mean? It’s my wedding. Should I not be here?” She looks between them. “So, who’s crying?”

“I am!” Cheng Xiao blurts out. “I’m just—so overwhelmed.”

“Aww.” Xuanyi pats her head. “Don’t worry, it’ll be your turn one day. Speaking of that, I’m going to toss the bouquet soon so don’t forget to try and catch it.”

“Of course not,” Luda says. “Sounds very, uh, exciting.”

Jiyeon sees how they’re all making such an effort to cover for her, and it fills her with warmth in a way even the finest champagne could never.

Xuanyi turns to her. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” she says, lowering her lashes.

Jiyeon points to herself. “Me?”

“Yes, you.” Xuanyi laughs. “Do you have a minute?”

“Don’t you have to go toss your bouquet?”

“I’ll do that in a bit,” Xuanyi says, not taking her eyes off Jiyeon.

Jiyeon swallows, wondering how she can extricate herself from this. Why does Xuanyi want to talk to her? Has she noticed something off? Has she caught onto Jiyeon’s feelings?

“Xuanyi!” A voice comes from behind them. It’s one of Xuanyi’s cousins. “There you are. The planner wants to talk to you for a second. There’s a problem with the catering or something.”

“You go talk to her,” Jiyeon says quickly. “I’ll be here. You can always find me later.”

“All right,” Xuanyi says. “Don’t go anywhere, okay?”

“I won’t,” Jiyeon says. She can’t even if she wants to.

Xuanyi gives the rest of them a quick smile before going off to talk to the wedding planner. Jiyeon hopes whatever issue there is gets resolved quickly. Despite her darker fantasies, she doesn’t want anything bad to happen, anything to take away from Xuanyi’s special day.

“You okay?” Luda asks quietly.

“No,” Jiyeon says frankly, “but hey… Thanks. To all of you.”

“For what?” Cheng Xiao asks.

“For, you know, being here for me.” Jiyeon clears . “I’d probably be stumbling around in a drunken stupor otherwise.”

Sojung squeezes her shoulder. “Anytime. But you’re not allowed to drink any more, okay?”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” Jiyeon suddenly remembers a proverb Xuanyi had told her once: that alcohol cures a thousand sorrows. How she wishes that were true.

Xuanyi tosses her bouquet behind her to general excitement. Jiyeon makes no attempt to catch it, barely even looks at it. One of the groom’s relatives makes a grab for it but it bounces off her and lands on the floor, inches from Jiyeon’s feet.

“Almost!” someone exclaims in a tone of regret, like they feel sorry for her missed chance at love. If only they knew.

“You were so close!” Xuanyi comes over, picks up the bouquet and puts it into Jiyeon’s arms. “It should count anyway.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Jiyeon says, gingerly holding the bouquet away from her like it’s infested with ants.

“Do you have a minute now?” Xuanyi asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer as she takes Jiyeon by the arm and drags her off to a secluded corner. “You didn’t bring anyone as your plus one.”

Jiyeon looks at her in surprise. “I told you that I wasn’t seeing anyone.”

“Yeah, but I thought…”

“You thought what?”

Xuanyi traces one of the flower’s petals. She doesn’t answer. “Where did you go earlier? You disappeared for a while.”

“You saw that?” Jiyeon hadn’t thought Xuanyi would notice. She wasn’t even gone for very long.

“Where were you?”

“I just went outside for some air.” She’s careful to tell the truth, if only part of it. “It’s really crowded in here.”

“You came back with someone else.” Xuanyi sounds oddly unhappy. Almost…jealous, if Jiyeon lets herself think it. She doesn’t.

“I ran into him out there and we made some small talk.” Jiyeon shrugs. “That’s all.”

“You smell like smoke,” Xuanyi says. “I thought you hated cigarette smoke.”

“I do. It’s not like I was smoking.”

“But he was?”

Jiyeon lets out a short laugh. “What’s with the interrogation? I feel like I’m back in high school and my mom is lecturing me about boys.”

Xuanyi ducks her head and twists her fingers together. She’s biting her lip, and Jiyeon feels her heart constrict. You can’t do this to me, she wants to say. You can’t give yourself to someone and then get mad when you think I’ m doing the same.

“Sorry,” Xuanyi says in a small voice. “I’m just—looking out for you. I’ve heard that Cai Xukun is a notorious playboy. I don’t want you to get your heart broken.”

It already is, Jiyeon thinks. She can’t get her heart broken if it’s not whole to begin with. Plus, nobody could do anything to her heart, whether break or mend it, besides Xuanyi anyway.

“Cai Xukun,” Jiyeon repeats. “So that’s his name.”

“You don’t even know his name?”

“Xuanyi, it’s not like I’m dating him,” Jiyeon says with patience she doesn’t have. “We literally just ran into each other outside and talked for a few minutes. I’m not interested in him at all, so don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried,” Xuanyi says, with a hint of a pout. “I just want you to be happy, that’s all.”

“You can make me happy,” Jiyeon blurts out.

“How?” Xuanyi asks, eyes locked on hers.

Jiyeon freezes. “Take this back,” she says, holding out the bouquet. “I don’t like the sight of these flowers.”

Xuanyi looks confused but takes it from her. “What’s wrong with them? The florist highly recommended this arrangement.”

“They just bother me.” Jiyeon gives Xuanyi a searching look. “Hey,” she says, her voice softening. “Why aren’t you smiling? This is your wedding. You’re supposed to be happy.”

“I am,” Xuanyi says forcefully. “Of course I’m happy.”

“You love him, right?” Jiyeon says, imagining for a second Xuanyi saying no, I love you.

“Yes, I do,” Xuanyi says, repeating what she had after they said their vows, and Jiyeon pretends it’s what she wants to hear.

“So smile.” Jiyeon pinches her cheeks and smooshes her face into a smile.

“Stop, you’re messing up my makeup!” Xuanyi laughs, swatting Jiyeon’s hands, but she’s finally smiling again.

“There we go,” Jiyeon says, satisfied, releasing her cheeks. Xuanyi rubs them with a scowl, and for a second it’s like everything is back to the way it used to be. “Much better.”

“Ugh, I bet I look like a mess now.”

“You look beautiful,” Jiyeon says. “You always do.”

Xuanyi stares at her for a heartbeat, a minute, an eternity. “Thank you,” she says, ducking her head as if shy. “You look beautiful too. I’m lucky to have such a beautiful maid of honour. There were a lot of eyes glued to you today.”

Jiyeon laughs and doesn’t let herself wonder why Xuanyi noticed that, why Xuanyi was looking at her so much. “How could there be? I bet they were all on you.”

“You look beautiful,” Xuanyi repeats, ducking her face against Jiyeon’s shoulder, and Jiyeon puts an arm around her on instinct. “You have to make me your maid of honour at your wedding, okay?”

“If I have one, sure.”

“Of course you’ll have one. And the groom will be a very lucky man.”

Jiyeon doesn’t say anything. She runs a hand through Xuanyi’s hair, allowing herself that much, and then gently pushes Xuanyi away.

“Come on. I’ve stolen the bride for long enough. Let’s go back.”

“Okay,” Xuanyi says. “Thank you, you know, for everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me. That’s what a best friend is for.”

She’s almost okay with the thought that that’s all she’ll ever be. Almost.

Jiyeon is all too well-acquainted with almosts too.

A/N: I didn't want to name Xuanyi's husband but from my choice of best man I think it can be inferred who it is. If you want to know, feel free to ask! And this goes for anything in the fic.