Taehyung

Son of a . Another one?

On my way out to my car after another long day on set, I ducked my head to at least try to hide my face from the two lenses that tracked me across the parking lot. Where the hell had those two come from?

Not that it mattered. Seemed like they were everywhere lately. I swore these ing paparazzi had put trackers in my car. No matter where I went today, they were there. A lens jutting out of a window while I'd pumped gas. A whole group of photographers loitering beside the stairs outside my agent's office when I'd left after a meeting yesterday. A car with tinted windows that I was pretty sure followed me for a few miles before I finally gave him the slip on the freeway.

Nobody else caught up with me on the way out to Topanga. None that I saw, anyway. I focused on the road and tried not to glance in the rearview every two seconds, all the while ignoring how bad my skin was crawling.

It wasn't unusual for a photographer to pop up in a random place. They were all over LA, and lived and breathed chance encounters with celebrities. They'd hover near places where we showed up frequently and hope for the best. Now that I was filming the new movie and there was some juicy gossip floating around about me, though, they were actively trying to find me.

And the bastards were succeeding.

Just please tell me you s are leaving Ewon alone.

Except I knew they weren't. It was just as well he lived in Washington. Intrusive cameras existed everywhere, but they were way more concentrated here. Kind of like how mosquitoes are pretty much everywhere, but if you get close enough to some stagnant water, there's clouds of them.

Thank God Ewonn lived far away from the worst of it, and that my house wasn't right on top of that pond of stagnant water. As I pulled into my garage, I released a sigh of relief. Finally, I had some privacy. Or at least a convincing illusion of privacy.

I went in the house, dropped onto my sofa, and scrubbed a hand over my face. After four eighteen-hour days in a row, I was drained, but it had less to do with filming and more to do with worrying myself sick. What other rumors were popping up? How much more were people bothering Ewon? We'd only been able to text occasionally—I'd been too dead on my feet to call the last couple of days—and his frustration and exhaustion had been palpable in every message. From his comments, as well as Jennie's, it seemed clear the press and the public were still having a field day with Ewon and me.

Christ. I rubbed my tired eyes. Two people in a relationship should not have created this much buzz. Why did anyone care so much? I got that the tabloids just wanted to get the scoop before anyone else did, and obviously there were enough gossip readers to keep those tabloids alive, but Jesus . We were a couple of guys trying to date like anybody else.

And I felt terrible for how badly it was affecting Ewon. All day we'd been texting about it—as much as I could, anyway, which wasn't a lot—and he'd been hanging by a thread since lunch. Especially after he'd had a momentary freak-out about someone possibly following him to the place he kept Lola during the day, and I hated myself for not being able to say I promise no one will ever be creepy or horrible enough to mess with your dog.

My chest hurt. I'd brought all of this into his world. Why did people have to be such ing garbage?

The worst part was that it was completely consuming what few conversations we did have. I barely got to talk to him at all, and I missed him like crazy, and even more, I missed talking about things besides the media frenzy. He didn't talk about his patients or coworkers or even Lola. I didn't talk about filming. Everything I loved about our relationship had suddenly taken a backseat to everyone else talking about us. We had to do something about that. 

I checked the time. He'd be home from work by now, and done walking Lola if he hadn't taken her to the park. I doubted he'd gone to the park, he was probably desperate to go home, batten down the hatches, and hide himself and his dog from the world. Couldn't say I blamed him.

For once, though, I was home early enough and was awake enough that I could actually call him. So with my heart in my throat, I speed-dialed him.

"Hey." one word had never contained so much exhaustion and frustration. He didn't sound all that happy to hear from me, either.

"Hey." I said uselessly.

"They finally let you go for a night?" he sounded like he was trying to make light conversation but had to really work at it.

"Yeah. Sorry I haven't been able to call."

No answer.

I swallowed and rubbed at my jaw "How are you holding up?"

"Honestly?"

My throat tightened "Yeah."

Ewon sighed "I'm not. I...this is so much more than..." 

"I know. I didn't think it would get this bad." my shoulders sagged under the weight of everything "I figured they'd go nuts over it, but..."

"But not like this?"

"Yeah." I am so sorry, Ewon "I don't know why they do this. I really don't."

"I don't either. But they do. And I swear it's getting worse. Like, it was one thing when they were just talking about us." his voice shook badly "But now they've figured out where I live and where I work. I mean, there were two photographers outside the clinic when I left work today. So far no one's followed me inside the clinic or all the way home, but..." Ewon blew out a breath "Now I've got reporters calling my cell phone. How did they even get that number? How the hell do I deal with this?"

"I'm sorry." I said, and hated how useless it sounded.

"It would probably be okay if it weren't for all the people were saying. If they want to take my picture, it's annoying, but...whatever. But that on top of..."

"I know. And...God, I am so sorry."

He sighed heavily, and his voice shook when he spoke again "I thought it would just be people speculating about us. Taking some pictures, making up some gossip. But it's like every time I turn around, they're there. Between that and the messages I keep getting from people... Taehyung, I... Do you know how humiliating it is to have literally thousands of people talking about all the reasons I'm not good enough for you? All over the internet for two solid weeks?"

I forced back a sudden rush of bile "Ewon, they have no idea what they're talking about. Of course you're good enough for me."

He laughed bitterly "Not according to—"

" them." I said through clenched teeth "For God's sake, it's me. I'm still that kid who ed up your order at the diner a million years ago. A few movie contracts and paychecks haven't changed who I am, and who I am is still the kid who thinks you're out of my league." a lump replaced the acid in my throat. Now that I'd said it out loud, the emotions were overwhelming.

Do you know how afraid I am of you realizing you can do better?

"I'm not out of your league." he whispered. He went quiet. We both did. I gnawed my thumbnail, trying desperately to both hold onto my composure and figure out what to say. Before I could, though, Ewon pushed out another heavy breath, this one full of resignation "I don't know if I can do this."

My heart dropped "What do you mean?"

"I mean...this is too much. I knew there'd be media attention, and that was hard to swallow, but I thought I could deal with it. But now..., I'm getting hate mail. I'm the of jokes all over the goddamned internet. I had to lock down all my social media, and at this rate, I might have to change my email address." he paused. Then, in a voice so unsteady it broke my heart, he whispered "This wasn't what I signed up for."

"Just give it time." I pleaded "They'll lose interest. I know it right now, but I promise they—"

"Maybe they will. Maybe they won't."

I swallowed to force back the lump in my throat "They're trolls, Ewon. I know it's horrible, the they say, but do you really want—"

"I don't want any of this." he said unsteadily "I don't want the hate mail. I don't want to wake up every day wondering what's been said about me, what my coworkers and friends are reading, what my parents are seeing. Waking up with acid in my gut. Waking up scared. All I wanted was to be with you. I can't... , Tae, I can't pick a leaf of spinach out of my teeth in the privacy of my own home without being terrified it's somehow going to be a meme tomorrow."

"I know." I whispered, my voice shaky "God, I know. And I'm sorry. Just...tell me what I can do."

"I don't know if there's anything either of us can do." he said, sounding like every word was excruciating "All I wanted was to be with you. That's all I want now. But this...God, I can't handle it, Taehyung. And if we split up, everyone's going to pounce on that too, so I think it would be better for both of us if we just get that part over with."

"What?" I was suddenly on my feet "Ewon, no. We can work with—"

"Maybe you can." he said, and I might have thought he sounded calm except there was the faintest tremor at the edges of his words "I don't even like being the center of attention in a room with ten people. This? I...I just can't. I thought I could, but..." he sighed again "There's nothing in this world I want more than to be with you. Nothing. And I don't want to hurt you. I swear to God, that's the last thing I want. Being with you is amazing. Everything else is..." his voice cracked as he said "It's hell."

I winced, squeezing my eyes shut "Ewon..." I had no idea what to say. What could be said? "It won't stay like this. It never does. They'll get tired of it, and—"

"They haven't yet."

"I know. I know." I raked my free hand through my hair "But give it another week or two, and they won't give a about us anymore." I frantically racked my brain for the right words "My publicist and assistant said the same thing when I talked to them earlier. They didn't expect this big of a storm, or that people would be such trash fires about everything, but whenever something like this blows up, it dies down just as fast. We just have to ride it out." 

Please. Please, Ewon. Ride this out with me. We can do this. It's worth it.

"They didn't think it would be this bad." Ewon said "How can they—or you—be so sure it'll die down?"

"Because it always does. People have tiny attention spans when it comes to this, and there's always a bigger scandal right around the corner."

He released a long, ragged breath. For a moment, neither of us said anything. Finally, he spoke "I've seen how the tabloids talk about . Even if this isn't a headline anymore, it'll keep coming up. How many months or years do you think I can handle being a sidebar in every article about you? Where they talk about your new movie or what you're wearing, and oh by the way, have you seen the he's dating for some reason?"

I flinched "This is why I don't read the tabloids. And you shouldn't either."

"We don't, but people do. And I just can't deal with it. Especially now that we barely have time to talk, and when we do talk, it's about all this other ." he blew out a breath "One day everything was great between us. Then we came out, and suddenly there's...nothing except coming out."

My heart dropped "It's just until I'm done filming. We knew this was coming." 

"Yeah, but not on top of everything else. With as little as we're seeing each other or even talking, it's only a matter of time before they start speculating that we've broken up anyway. No matter what we do, or what we don't do..." he trailed off, and he was silent for a second before he whispered "I'm sorry, Taehyung. I..." the pause after that was long and heavy, as if he'd stopped himself from saying something important "I know this hurts. It's killing me too. But I just...I can't. I'm sorry." there was a note of pleading in his voice that broke my heart more than anything else: This already hurts like hell—please just let me go.

So I said the only thing I could think to say: "I'm sorry." as soon as the words were out, I cringed. They sounded worse every time I said them.

"So am I." Beat "I, um. I need to go."

No. Please. Don't.

But I wouldn't force him. This conversation was hell for me, and I didn't imagine it was fun for him either. Somehow I choked out "Okay. And I mean it—I'm sorry about all of this."

"I know. I am too. This..., this isn't what..." he pulled in a deep breath, and I could almost see him setting his shoulders back and steeling himself "I really need to go. Goodbye, Taehyung."

I squeezed my eyes shut "Goodbye."

And then the call ended. 

I sank back onto the sofa and stared down at my phone. The silence in the room rang in my ears. Tears stung in my eyes.

How had it all gone so wrong?

We'd both braced for a lot of media attention after we went public, but neither of us had bargained for the cruelty being aimed at him. Could I blame him for not wanting any more of it?

Of course I couldn't blame him, but letting him go still hurt like hell.

So what was I supposed to do now? Call him back and try to undo this? Call Jennie and beg for some kind of insight or just ask her to let me cry on her shoulder? Scream into the void because what the else could I do?

Finally, alone in the silence of my empty house, I covered my eyes with my hand.

And cried.