Sanha stood in the middle of his room, frozen, eyes stuck on his phone that now laid on his bed. He had just gotten off the phone before panic-tossing it away from him, not caring where it landed. Even if he was now starting to come back to his senses, it wasn't the destiny of his phone that worried him; It was his own sanity that he was starting to question. The more he thought about it, the more unrealistic it felt.

Bit by bit he was becoming more and more convinced that he was actually still asleep, and that this was all just a dream. When he'd wake up, none of this had happened and he could go about his day as usual, if not in a bit more pain because he knew damn well what kind of feelings followed after dreams like this – dreams, in which he had another chance to meet him. 

He still couldn't help but to wish it would be real this time just as much he hoped it wasn't. He just didn't want to have to deal with this, not now, not yet, but the curiosity got the better of him. He couldn't resist making sure of it, resist taking the phone in his hands again and checking the call log one more time.

 

Dongmin Hyung <3

Mobile, 5 min. ago

 

Sanha tried pinching himself. It couldn't be real, no way, but what else was he supposed to believe when he found himself yelping in pain just a second after. He tried again, just in case, but the result was the same. It was real.

Oh god.

It was real.

Sanha took a shaky breath, trying to calm himself down before the pain could catch up to him again. How long had it been? No, wait, that was a dumb question. He knew it had been exactly 5 years and 24 days since the last time he had seen that name pop on his phone's screen. He knew, because he kept checking the last message he had received every day like some lovesick fool, which he undoubtedly still was, hoping that the chat would miraculously turn alive again despite the time that had passed.

And now Dongmin... Dongmin had called him. 

 

Sanha had been busy getting his laundry from downstairs when he finally heard his phone ring. He didn't think much of it and accepted the call, expecting it to be his mother,

"Mom, I just got the–" 

"Sanha?" 

His breath hitched in his throat and the phone he had placed between his shoulder and head dropped to the ground. He could swear his mom somehow sounded like a man he used to know when he was younger, and to be more specific, a man he had had a total crush on. Snapping out of it, he dropped the laundry basket and picked up his phone, 

"H-hello?" 

"Sanha, is that you? Did I get the wrong number?" 

He could still recognize his voice. Kind of amazing considering he barely recognized his own after it was recorded, but that didn't really matter at that point. 

"N-no, I'm Sanha. D-Dongmin, is that... Is that you?" 

The line went silent for a long time and Sanha was getting restless. Soon, however, he could hear a burst of laughter coming from the other side. Oh wow. Hearing that sure woke up the toe-curling butterflies, but Sanha couldn't ignore the hollow pain in his chest that it brought along.

"I forgot I changed my name. I go by Eunwoo after I started the acting gigs." 

"Ah..."

Sanha didn't know how to react. It seemed like the Dongmin he used to know had finally gotten himself involved with the film industry after dreaming about it for ages now. Sanha had tried stalking him after he left the town for the theater arts in a bigger city, but he hadn't found him anywhere even if he spent most of his days googling his name. It was no wonder now if he had truly changed his name...

"So, I, uhh... I'm coming to visit our hometown tomorrow."

"You are?" 

"Yeah."

Sanha bit his lip. He wanted to see him so bad, but the last words he had heard him say to him when they were face to face still haunted him. He didn't think Dongmin would even want to see him after all that.

But what was he supposed to say? Dongmin had been his best friend for years before he left and stopped contacting him, though the number still seemed to be the same.

Did he block him back then? Was that why he didn't answer Sanha's messages? Because he confessed and he was grossed out about that? He had blocked him from his Instagram, too. Or then he had just deleted it altogether, but Sanha just couldn't find him anywhere on social media. 

"Sanha?"

Sanha hummed, distracted by his thoughts.

"Would you like to meet me? Tomorrow, or if you'd like, I can stay a bit longer so I'll have enough time for everyone." 

"Sure." It was only after he had given his positive answer that Sanha covered his mouth, eyes wide. 

Crap.

 

Oh god, what did he get himself into? He was not ready for this. Okay, so maybe that was a bit of a lie, he had dreamt of this day for five years now after all. But the actual reality was different. No, not just different – this reality was scary, because how in the world was he supposed to behave around the other?

Was he allowed to be mad? Sad? Could he just go and tell him that oh god he still loved him so much, and that the older could never even imagine just how much? Especially since the last time he and Dongmin had met, he had confessed to the elder and the other had pushed him off, saying he was being childish. Sanha had cried for months. And now he was supposed to meet him? 

Tomorrow? 

He fell on his bed with a weird sounding mix of a scream and a groan, hiding his head under a pillow. He wanted to scream. No, he wanted to scream, cry and laugh all at the same time. Because Dongmin had called him. Dongmin. But oh god it was Dongmin. What would he do? How could he possibly do this? 

"I don't think it's anything serious. You're just confused because you go to an all-boys school. You'll get over it. It's just a phase."

Sanha stilled. Right. Dongmin. He sighed and sat up, the stupid rejected side of him taking over. He didn't really want to meet up with him even if he knew deep down in the lovefool side of him he did. He just didn't want him to think he was stupid for still being so hurt about it. He didn't even have the courage to look into his eyes and not say 'goddammit I still love you, I missed you'.

He was sure Dongmin hadn't missed him at all. He hadn't answered any of his messages, leaving him completely out of his life for five long years even if they used to be best friends before. Or at least Dongmin had been his, Sanha wasn't so sure if it went the other way around considering how easily he was dropped from the other's life. 

Sanha stared at his phone, desperately wondering if it could let him into all the secrets he had missed. Couldn't it just turn alive and tell him why Dongmin shut him out of his life like that, just to now contact him again? It would be so much easier than just confronting his old friend.

Nothing.

The phone said nothing.

Sanha shook his head at his own foolishness and reached for the lifeless phone, opening his chats. His mom was his number one chat, added to favorites and pinned to the top. There were couple group chats with his old classmates, too, but all of them had stopped texting unless you counted the occasional 'hey's they sent each other. 

And then... there was the one he had with Dongmin. Sanha pulled his lips to a thin line, the last text his friend had sent him glaring back at him, mocking him. 

 

To: Sanha

From: Dongmin Hyung <3

It's okay, I don't blame you. I'm sorry I have to leave like this but I don't think I can do this. But I don't hate you :) 

Sent: 21.6.2014

 

Sanha scoffed and looked away, blinking away the tears gathering in his eyes. He didn't hate him? Then why did he block him? Why did he suddenly stop contacting him? Why did he leave Sanha's desperate, worried texts unread? Sanha was sure Dongmin had hated him the moment he confessed, he was just too kind to say anything about it. Why else would he bring that word up? To show he didn't care if he liked boys even after saying Sanha was just confused? 

He sighed. He really didn't want to go there tomorrow. He just wasn't ready for all the feelings that would most likely attack him once he'd meet him again. Yet he could only curse his stupid, stupid mouth that worked faster than his filter for causing this mess for him.

It was at moments like these that Sanha really hated himself. He hated the fact that he was a person that did what he promised unless he was about to die from some sickness (which happened a lot because he was a baby with zero pain tolerance and a weak immune system. He blamed his asthma on that one) and his nature just simply prevented him from just canceling it now. 

He yelped in surprise once his phone started ringing again, raising the pillow to hit anyone near him. But once he realized it was just his phone, he carefully looked at the caller ID and let out a breath of relief. 

"Hi mom."

 

 

Sanha couldn't stay still. He couldn't believe he had actually come there, standing by the same basketball court he had been in five years ago. He had avoided going there ever since the confession incident happened, and even now he was only peeking from behind a tree, too scared of actually going there.

Dongmin was still nowhere to be seen and it was getting closer and closer to the time the older had suggested they'd meet at. Sanha could feel himself breaking out in cold sweat. 

Oh my god, what if he wasn't coming? What if he just tricked him, made him come there after dressing up in his cutest clothes (his mom helped him pick them for this stressful occasion), only to laugh at his stupid hope of seeing him while he was elsewhere, enjoying the company of the people he didn't hate?

Oh god. He should've known, he was such a fool. Dongmin had started his new life as a movie star, why would he even want to see him–

"Hey!" 

Sanha jumped and bit back a scream at the sudden voice. He placed a hand over his chest where his heart tried to jump out, and turned his gaze to the entrance of the caged court, from where he could see a familiar figure jogging towards him. He swallowed, throat dry, and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down.

Oh god.

He could already feel his head getting foggy just by looking at his face, and Dongmin spared him no mercy, leaving him no time to remember how breathing worked as he was by his side in mere seconds with a familiar, bright smile on his face. Sanha took a shaky breath, trying hard to appear normal.

In the end it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because once they were face to face again, things got awkward. Neither of them really knew what to do now. A handshake? A hug? What was appropriate? What was not?

Sanha wanted to groan. He knew it would be like this, he knew this was going to be a mess and the day would end up with him crying under his blanket because Dongmin didn't give a crap about him and nothing could be patched up between them.

But then Dongmin seemingly made up his mind, giving him a quick half hug that was enough to leave him stunned and blushing. He thanked his height so that he could hide his red cheeks from the other, ignoring his heart that was soaring without his permission.

"Hey," Dongmin greeted first again, scratching the back of his head as if suddenly embarrassed by the rushed hug. 

"Hey," Sanha whispered back, his voice hardly even heard.

He'd have to lie in order to say it didn't hurt to see Dongmin so close to him after so long, and being reminded of the day he had gathered his courage to spill out his heart and tell his friend that he harbored feelings stronger than a regular friendship allowed towards him, but it would also be a lie to claim he didn't miss him at all, and that thinking about him still hurt yet made him happy. 

And now he was there, standing in front of him in flesh and blood. Dongmin. His first love. 

"Hi," Sanha breathed out again. It felt too unreal to think it was really him, but the confused, adorable face Dongmin made after his second hello made him want to smack himself in the face. Why did he have to be so embarrassing? 

"So," Dongmin started after a while, just to fill the silence with something, anything, but he was unsure how to continue from that.

"So," Sanha parroted, just as helpless. He could've answered with anything else and still look more of a genius than he did with repeating Dongmin's words. He wanted to roll his eyes and congratulate himself for being such a magnificent word prodigy. 

"Want to play?" Dongmin asked as he motioned to the court.

Sanha snapped his thoughts out of his pathetic self and feebly muttered a small "no thanks."

"Oh, uhh, okay." Apparently he wasn't the only one with a tied up tongue, "Want to just sit down and talk then?" 

"Sure."

They entered the court, and a flood of memories rushed back to Sanha's mind, vivid and painful. He was now in the same exact place where Dongmin first cut all ties with him. Sanha couldn't blame him, a sudden love confession from a guy, his long time best friend at that, wasn't exactly what everyone could take. At least Dongmin had obviously thought it was a bit too much. 

He took a deep breath and sat down next to Dongmin, who had decided to take a seat under one of the basketball hoops. The place was a spot on. Sanha could feel the knives in his heart turning, but he pushed the feeling down as much as he could. He didn't want to start bawling his eyes out in front of his friend. No one deserved to see that.

They sat in silence, both unsure of what to say now. It had been so long and there hadn't been any proper goodbyes, so it was hard to figure out the way to go on about it.

Sanha secretly took glances of the guy next to him, feeling his heart being squeezed even more. Dongmin looked good, he had to give him that. His hair was as soft looking as ever, the dark brown strands tempting him to touch them but he resisted, not wanting to push it too far. His eyes were still kind but Sanha was sure that was just the default setting of his. If they'd show the emotion he had reserved for him, maybe it would be disgust?

But it was in no way fair of Dongmin to just come back like that, to meet him and then just look good and 'confusing' Sanha even more, if he was to borrow his friend's words. Then again, Sanha would've thought he looked good even dressed in a trash bag. 

"So..." Dongmin started again and Sanha let him do all the thinking. He was too busy basking in his prescence, and trying to control his feelings while sitting next to him, legs almost touching. "How have you been?" 

"Great," Sanha lied without hesitation, "I've helped mom with the store and I've met with my dad a couple times. The school's over now and I'm trying to figure out what to do now."

Dongmin nodded, "Sounds... Exciting. So you still live with your mom?" 

Sanha tried not to get offended by how childish he made it sound, "Yeah, I've had no reason to leave her alone yet. Being the only child without a job or dreams and all that after all." 

"Right... Sorry." 

Sanha sighed. It wasn't Dongmin's fault, it was his. He knew it was a mistake coming there, he was too emotional when it came to his heart's matters, and now he was being unfair to Dongmin. Who knew, maybe Dongmin really wanted to meet him after all. 

"Look, Dongmin–" 

"Sanha, I–" 

They both shut up and shared a startled look. Dongmin made a face and looked away first, "It's... It's Eunwoo." 

"Right. So, Dongmin, how's the actor life?"

That wasn't what Sanha meant to say. He was supposed to say he was sorry that his heart was still raw like that, that he couldn't forget him even after all these years, so there was no way Dongmin would want to be friends with him again. But his mind didn't want to let go of him yet. To let him escape and leave him hanging again. He sighed. Damn his heart. 

"Eunwoo..." Dongmin corrected in a whisper before sighing in defeat. The older supposed it was futile trying to get someone like Sanha to use his name when he had known him as Dongmin for all his life.

He didn't mind Sanha calling him with that name, though it did bring up painfully stupid mistakes from his past that he had tried to forget. But it was Sanha, how could he ever stay mad at Sanha? 

The boy was still just as cute as back then. Maybe cute was a wrong word to say from someone that had just turned twenty, but he couldn't find any other word that could describe him as well as cute.

And Sanha really was the same, pouting and looking like a kicked puppy because he was upset with him, and Dongmin couldn't blame him for that. He had been a douche when they last met, and he wanted nothing more than to salvage the connection they used to have.

There had never been another Sanha when he left the town, no one that would get him feel as many emotions as the other did, and make him laugh with the stupidest stuff you could imagine even if it wasn't funny. No, it was Sanha that managed to do that. And even after five years, it was clear that no one else could ever replace that boy when it came to his heart. 

"Remember that time when you confessed to me?" he suddenly asked. His lips stretched to a wry smile, already feeling the regret building up inside him. 

Was this how Sanha felt when he started confessing to him back then? No, it must've been even worse. He should've known better and respected the courage the younger had had for doing it and making it look so easy. But he had just– Dongmin sighed. It was already too late for regrets like that. He could only make things right starting from now.

Sanha, on the other hand, had trouble trying to swallow the pile in his throat as it refused to go down. He could feel himself getting closer to tears again, and his heart was getting squeezed by the same grip of pain he had struggled with for five years now. Feeling like he couldn't find his voice even if he tried, he forcefully hummed as a reply. 

"You... Probably don't like me anymore, do you?"

If Sanha wasn't so focused in trying to get oxygen to his lungs all of a sudden, he could have heard the hopefulness mixed with bitter sadness lacing the other's tone. 

What kind of a question was that? Yes, of course Sanha remembered the day he confessed because it was the most painful time of his life, and yes, he still liked him so much it hurt.

Why? Why did that matter to him? Why did he have to bring that back up after all these years as if Sanha hadn't already suffered enough because of it? Was it because he wasn't sure if he could be friends with him even after all this time if he still was in love with him? Was he that disgusting that he had to make sure he had washed all those feelings away from him?

Sanha was in love for sure but he wasn't going to force it on him for goodness' sake. And if saying the truth was the best thing to do for him, then he'd go for it no matter how heartbroken he would end up being. 

"Yes," he said with a sudden wave of rage flaring up inside him, "Yes, I do still like you. And I think about you almost every day. In fact, I even dream about you. So no, we can't be friends because I'm still in love with you. And no, I'm not going to lie and say I'll be fine or that it was nice to see you. I love you, and I hate it, so if you don't mind, I'll go home and cry my eyes out 'cause I'm stupid like that."

Dongmin stood up with him, his hand reaching out for him so he could stop him from leaving, but Sanha just swatted it away and stormed off, heading home despite Dongmin calling his name from behind. 

"Sanha, wait!" 

Sanha shook his head, tears blurring his vision, but the path home was easy enough for him to make it without tripping. He ignored his mom's concerned questions once he stormed inside, and ran straight to his room, slamming the door shut. The moment it closed, he could feel himself shaking, the tears finally breaking free and the sobs starting to echo in the room.

He had held it in for so long. He managed to ignore the pain, he managed to distract his mind and forget about the past for some time every now and then, but now he just simply couldn't take it anymore. The pain. The disappointment. The hurt. It was all just too much. 

He climbed on his bed, loudly crying as he crawled under the blanket and pulled it over his head. He knew it would turn out like this. He hated himself, he hated himself so much. He hated these feelings, he hated how weak he was, he hated this all.

He could hear a knock by his door, but even if he screamed at them to go away, he could hear someone coming in. He hated it, but ultimately ignored it, sobs only growing in volume. He had lost his pride a long time ago, there was nothing left to lose even if he could hear it was Dongmin softly calling his name. He wailed loudly, making Dongmin flinch.

The older had run after him immediately after Sanha had taken off, following him to his bedroom, but now he was at a loss. He didn't know what to do, he felt guilty and sorry, but he didn't know what to say. He awkwardly shuffled on his feet, his heart hurting at the sight of his crying, blanket-covered friend, who was now only a tiny, shaking ball on the bed. Would any words be of any console?

"Sanha, I... I'm sorry I made you cry."

"No, you're not!" Sanha cried from under his blanket, "You are not sorry, because you think it's stupid that I still cry after you, and that I'm so stupid because I just can't let go."

Dongmin grimaced, muttering a small 'sorry' out of habit. He didn't really think that way, honest, but back in the day the only way he could console Sanha and get him to calm down was to say sorry to everything even if he didn't do it or he wasn't even the least bit involved in it. Odd how some habits stayed the same without even him registering it. 

Dongmin walked towards the bed and carefully sat down next to the lumped form of his friend. He hesitated for a second before putting his hand on Sanha's trembling back, it gently.

"I am. I am terribly sorry. You don't even know how sorry. The things I said five years ago–" Dongmin bit his lip, wondering if he should bring that up after all. But Sanha deserved to hear what he had to say, even if it was selfish for him to say it. "I'm really sorry, Sanha. I don't think that way anymore, I really don't, I- I really don't hate you, even if you think I do."

Sanha stilled for a bit, still crying as he was feeling just so damn hurt, but Dongmin took that as a good sign. He sighed as he leaned against the younger's figure, offering him his warmth though it probably did nothing to help with the situation. 

"I love you," he whispered, his own eyes tearing up, "And I was just so stupid when I was younger that I didn't realize it. I felt so lonely when I left, and I... I missed you, Sanha."

Dongmin was glad Sanha's sniffling prevented a complete silence from taking over. At least he knew he was still there, listening. Hopefully at least. Sanha's figure moved as he sat up, disbelief putting a stop to his tears for a while. 

"Five years..." Dongmin could barely hear Sanha's muffled voice through the blanket. "For five years I've stared at my phone, wishing I'd hear from you. To receive even one message from you. But I got nothing. Absolutely nothing. No text. No answer. Not even a social media account where I could see you're doing fine. And I worried. I worried that maybe you were too upset. Or that maybe you were lonely. Or that maybe you got sick when the fall turned to winter. But nothing. I heard nothing. And now you come here and–"

His voice cracked. Sanha couldn't stop more tears from escaping his eyes. How great. How much more childish and embarrassing could he get?

"You... You worried about me?" 

Sanha nodded even if the blanket probably hid his reaction, a bitter smile forming on his face, "It's hard not to after you've fallen in love."

Sanha wasn't supposed to be so frank about it, but he just couldn't help it. It just happened. He didn't have time to fret on that though, because his heart stopped beating when he felt Dongmin grabbing on the blanket and taking it off of him, forcing him to face him. He was about to yank the blanket to cover him up again, too embarrassed of his messed up, blotched face with snot running down with his tears, but the intensity that Dongmin was looking him with made him still.

It got silent once they both stopped and just stared in each other's eyes. After a while Sanha started to feel restless and terribly self conscious of his looks, so he broke the eye contact. The moment he did, Dongmin grabbed his hands and made him look at him again. 

"I love you, too," the older whispered with utmost sincerity in his voice, "I love you, too."

Sanha could only dumbly stare at Dongmin with his wide eyes, completely sure he was imagining things right now. Dongmin... He couldn't... He didn't... It couldn't be true!

Dongmin didn't let him doubt his words though. He leaned in, using one of his hands to keep the younger still as he firmly pressed his lips against his, stunning him completely. Sanha could feel the heat creeping up on his face, the pain temporarily forgotten. He probably looked like crap, too, but Dongmin didn't seem to care because he... Dongmin just... Dongmin had just kissed him!

It was short, only a quick press of lips, but for Sanha it was everything. He cupped his cheek, eyes wide as he just stared at Dongmin, dumbstruck. Dongmin smiled with his blinding, bright smile, thinking how cute Sanha looked with that startled, innocent puppy-like look on his face. Sanha could swear he almost went blind with the brightness of his smile. His head was spinning and he felt terribly weak, especially when Dongmin just grinned at him, seemingly relieved he could finally confess to him.

An unsure smile started tugging on Sanha's lips. It still felt like a dream, an impossible scenario, only a fragment of his imagination, but just staring at Dongmin, who was sitting there, right in front of him, filled him with indescribable happiness.

"I love you," Dongmin confirmed one more time, as if to assure him it was really real. After pinching himself to make sure, Sanha beamed and jumped on the elder, hugging the life out of him.

"I love you! Oh god, I love you so much!"

Dongmin laughed as he let the younger tackle him with his height, happy that the things turned out the way they did. He would never make the mistake of pushing Sanha out of his life again, that was for sure.

 

---

I almost ruined the fluff and wrote an angsty ending with it all being just a dream, but I fought against my urges. Anyway, thank you for reading! <3