Yunho is no stranger to anti-fans. He is well aware that part of being a celebrity is having a bunch of people who hate him for reasons varying from debatably valid to outright irrational. It’s been some time since he’s accepted the fact that he won’t be able to please everyone no matter hard he tries. And so he stopped trying. What he did was observe them instead. However, it seemed like his idea of observing is different from what any other individual would do.
 
He did so by joining an anti-fan cafe.
 
His manager still thinks he’s stupid for doing that, but that’s not going to make him regret his choice. Curiosity got the best of him. He wanted to know, once and for all, why people actually hate him. A few things he found in the anti-fan cafe are the things he expected to find— photoshopped photos of him, rumours that had no source, baseless, and weren’t even true in the first place, and various threads from people who have found their passion through throwing insults at him. If there’s anything that piqued his interest, it’s the event the members have organised.
 
A gathering.
 
He would be lying if he said he didn’t see it as an opportunity to personally get to know the people who loathe him. Maybe it’s the inner masochist in him who wants it. Either way, he confirmed his attendance without the knowledge of his manager who will surely give him a tough time if he finds out about it.
 
Aside from him, five more people have confirmed their attendance including the founder of the anti-fan cafe who’s more known by his username YSB— which he later found out stands for Yunho Balls. He thought the number of people attending was significantly low compared to other gatherings, but then quickly reminded himself that it’s no ordinary gathering. And he’d most likely be uncomfortable facing them on his own if the number went up to a hundred or so.
 
The gathering, as discussed, will be held at a café around Itaewon. What better place to hold an anti-fan cafe event than in a café, right? How fitting. For a place as busy as such, Yunho needs a fool-proof disguise. Except, he believes he already failed at that after seeing himself in the mirror. He’s clad in a black face mask, a black snapback, a plain white shirt, jeans, and a leather jacket. He’s positive that he’ll stick out like a sore thumb. Then again, it’s either that or his tracksuits with such flashy colours. Feeling a bit glum, he buys a pair of fake glasses at the flea market he passed by on his way to the meeting place. Maybe, just maybe, that would help.
 
His plan is simple— to be there as early as possible. It is highly necessary for him to be the first one to arrive assuming that he’ll be making quite a grand entrance with his outfit and his height. And that’s something he essentially needs to avoid at all costs.
 
His chest is pounding hard as he enters the café, paranoia taking over his system. It feels as if everyone knows his identity when in reality, people are barely paying attention to him. Everyone else is minding their own business. He approaches an employee and asks for the private room reserved for a certain Lee Jieun. She checks her list and smiles as she leads him to the room. “Um, excuse me?” he speaks as he walks close behind her. The rather kind employee looks at him and smiles, as if silently urging him to continue. “Is anyone in there yet?” he asks, trying hard not to sound nervous. But knowing himself, he probably sounds constipated, if anything.
 
“No, sir.” she responds politely. “You’re the early bird.”
 
He breathes a sigh of relief and smiles at her even though she is unable to see it. It’s the thought that counts.
 
 
 
 
 
Well, Yunho notes, this is awkward. Two of his anti-fans are high school students, one is in college, and another one is an accountant. It baffles him that he is sitting in one table with people who actually hate him.
 
“So, what’s your real name, Banchou-nim?” asks the female high school student who goes by the name of Yoojung. It definitely feels odd to be referred to by his username.
 
“Oh, me?” They all stare at him and frankly, it’s making him feel uncomfortable. “I’m Yang Jinho, a dance teacher.” Despite the discomfort he’s feeling, he’s still ecstatic at the smooth delivery of his lie which he’s been practicing all morning. He was so afraid he’d mess up and reveal his true identity.
 
“Why do you have a mask on?” Lee Jieun questions. She is the college student who he initially thought was the founder as the room was reserved under her name. That seems logical, no? As it turns out, the founder was busy with personal matters so she volunteered.
 
“I’m sick.” He responds. “I caught a cold a few days ago and I don’t want to pass it on to any one of you.” They nod at him, seemingly satisfied with his answer.
 
“Let’s wait for YSB-nim before we start.” says Jieun. “I got a message from him not too long ago. He said he’s got freebies for us.”
 
The whole table, with the exception of Yunho, react positively at the statement. “Freebies?” he cannot help but ask. “And he’s a guy?”
 
The male high school student, Samuel, hums in response. “YSB-nim usually gives out small tokens of appreciation every get together. He gave us darts with Yunho’s face on the dart board. It’s a nice stress reliever, honestly.”
 
He nods, but deep inside he wants to give the younger male a noogie. He really had the audacity to refer to him by his first name with no honorific whatsoever. Plus, the fact that whoever established the anti-fan cafe went out of his way to get customised dart boards with his face on it done perplexes him to no end. “It’s his face, right? On the board, I mean.” he asks, just to make sure. It just genuinely bothers him.
 
Samuel chuckles, and Yunho stares at him in horror when he shakes his head and says, “It’s his crotch.”
 
Ouch?
 
If he thought this would leave him unbothered, then he clearly thought wrong. He wants to get it over with so he could get out. If he’s going to be truly honest, he is starting to get upset. While he and Samuel were talking about the freebies, he could hear the other three talk about his debut drama and how he was so bad that it flopped. That was six years ago. He was a rookie in the acting field and he has improved a lot since then. He was trained to be a singer and a dancer, not an actor. Even so, he did his best and gave everything he got in every single scene. Constructive criticisms are welcomed and appreciated, but insults are not.
 
He clears his throat, wanting to forget that such conversation occurred. “So, um, when is YSB-nim going to be here?”
 
As if on cue, the door to their private room slides open. Yunho gapes. It’s YSB but he looks oddly familiar. It couldn’t be, could it? He watches him closely as he steps foot inside the room, Yunho’s heart pounding hard all the while. As he focuses his attention on the newcomer, everything else is tuned out. His hands are starting to get annoyingly clammy. All the features on YSB’s face remind him of the person he loves the most. It couldn’t possibly be him, though, he thinks. Jaejoong would not do anything like this to me regardless of what happened to our abrupt love story.
 
He keeps a close eye on the newcomer as everyone is greeting him with smiles and hugs. Every second that passes by with him observing the man, his anxiety intensifies. Strange enough, the guy and Jaejoong have the same movements, same mannerisms, and almost the same voice. Except, the Jaejoong he knows had a fairly breathy voice. But then again, it’s been fifteen years.
 
“Jaejoong oppa, this is our new mem—”
 
The rest of the words fall deaf on his ears as he stares wide-eyed at the guy who allegedly is Jaejoong. He is frozen on his seat. It has to be a joke. Jaejoong would never.
 
Jaejoong won’t do this to me—
 
“Hi!” It’s as if a bucket of cold water is dumped on his head. He’d rather be hallucinating and see Jaejoong in someone else than be faced with the fact that the guy is indeed Jaejoong. There are a lot of questions running through his mind. A hand blocks his vision. He stares at the arm extended out to him. He doesn’t meet the person’s eyes, too afraid to do so. “I’m Kim Jaejoong, the founder of the anti-fan cafe. So you’re—” His head snaps up so fast he thought it would fall off. Yunho has never felt so many emotions at the same time and it’s pretty overwhelming. There goes the confirmation he’s been terrified of. He could feel his body getting hotter in anger. He then decides,  it, and pulls down his mask and then takes off his cap, revealing his identity. Everyone gasps in shock, and so does Jaejoong who gapes at him and stutters, “Y-yunhoyah…”
 
The way Jaejoong said his name does nothing but fuel his anger. He is deeply hurt and he wants nothing more than to get out of the place. Thus, he gets up and leaves the room, leaving everyone gobsmacked. He hears his name being called out by Jaejoong but that doesn’t make him stop on his tracks.
 
Yunho is not denying the fact that it was his fault they lost contact. It didn’t just happen. Apart from getting incredibly busy with training, there was something that discouraged him from getting back in contact with him. It didn’t help that he did not have his phone and he could barely go anywhere else as he didn’t have the money. Sure, he would have gotten a part-time job if time permitted, but it didn’t. His schedule was always too hectic to the extent that he even found it hard to visit his family. Jaejoong has all the right in the world to get mad at him. He broke his promise and there’s really no excuse for that. However, does that justify what Jaejoong did?
 
“Stop following me!” he hisses, but Jaejoong is still trailing behind him like a lost puppy. Slowly, they are gaining attention from people who recognise him. Strangers have started following them and making a scene does not really sound appealing to him. He finds himself with no choice but to grab Jaejoong’s wrist and drag him away from the forming crowd. The feeling of Jaejoong’s wrist on his hand is so foreign and yet it’s not. He almost dropped it as soon as he grabbed a hold of it, as if his skin burned him. One thing he noticed, though, is that he has gotten a lot thinner throughout the years. Is he eating well like he used to? He shakes his head at the thought. It’s not the right time to think about such thing. It does not take long for him to hail a cab. “Seoul Forest Trimage.” he tells the cab driver.
 
“Holy you live there?” Jaejoong, who’s been quiet beside him, asks in what it sounds like amazement. Despite their situation, it’s difficult to not notice how he’s still the same Jaejoong who tends to forget he’s annoyed or in a bad mood when he finds something, even the simplest of things, astonishing.
 
Yunho does not say anything else until they arrive at his apartment complex. He pays the driver in cash and exits the cab, pulling Jaejoong’s wrist in the process. Upon reaching the fifth floor, he releases his hold on the jet black-haired male and keys in his passcode. He twists the door knob open and waits for the other to get inside until he does so himself.
 
The estranged couple settles down the couch, keeping a good distance away from each other. It is Jaejoong who speaks first. “I hate you.” He declares. He doesn’t sound mad, but Yunho thinks he might be speaking the truth. “Did the promise ever mean anything to you?”
 
“Of course it did.” He looks at Jaejoong like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.
 
“Could’ve fooled me.” Jaejoong shrugs. “You’re the first person I gave my heart to and yet you had to audacity to break it.”
 
“I never wanted that to happen.”
 
“But you let it happen.” Jaejoong steals a glance at him, and then crosses his arms. “I did wait for you, you know. For a ridiculously long time. Junsu thought I was insane for doing that, but I believed in you. I trusted your words. I tried to understand, Yunho. I refrained from getting angry when the calls stopped all of a sudden. I knew you had no control over it. Did you know how ecstatic I was when you finally debuted?” Yunho makes a mistake at looking him in the eyes. All the anger he felt over knowing that Jaejoong is the mastermind of his anti-fan cafe is slowly dissipating. The guilt is taking over and is overpowering the negative feelings he suddenly developed for Jaejoong. “I was glued to the television just so I wouldn’t miss your performance. I watched every single one of your performances. And stupid me hoped that when you get the recognition you deserve, you’ll ultimately be allowed to contact me again.” Yunho looks at him again when he pauses. There is a pang on his chest as he sees tears flooding Jaejoong’s eyes and spills down his cheeks. Jaejoong sniffles. “When your popularity went through the roof, I was still hopeful. I kept on staring at my phone, waiting for a phone call. But it never came.”
 
“Jaejoong—”
 
“It’s fine.” Jaejoong shakes his head, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. “I get it. I’m not a part of the equation anymore. It was hard to digest but what I can I do, no? You hurt me so bad that I went out of my way to set up an anti-fan cafe. It was the only way I could get back at you without you knowing. But you still did anyway.” He laughs cynically. “The universe hates me.”
 
“No, it doesn’t.” Yunho protests. “My apology probably wouldn’t mean anything now, but I truly am sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. I just… I have a legitimate explanation. If you could just listen to me, I can—”
 
“You have a girlfriend, Yunho. It doesn’t matter now.”
 
“But we’ve broken up. I don’t even—”
 
“Honestly, I’m over it. I don’t want to dwell on the past.” Jaejoong shrugs. “I kept the anti-fan cafe for years because it’s quite entertaining, to be very honest. And I hope you’re not expecting me to shut it down just because you found out because I won’t.”
 
Perhaps it’s not a good idea to ask, but Yunho still does anyway. “Do you really hate me?” His resentment long ago flew out of the window. Jaejoong’s words and tears brought him back to the reality that he started all this. No one is to blame but him. He was too fixated on his own pain that he forgot what he made Jaejoong go through.
 
“I do.”
 
Jaejoong thought the only time he’d utter those words is during his wedding. It pains him to say it in this kind of situation.
 
“Well, I’m not very fond of what you did either.” Yunho retorts, unable to stop himself.
 
“Great. Now we’re even. It was really not so nice meeting you again and I hope I don’t ever have to see your face ever again.”
 
Yunho could only watch in astonishment as Jaejoong walks out and slams his front door close.
 
 
 
 
 
“I’m not over it.” Jaejoong sullenly grumbles over the phone. “I was never over it but I told him I was. And then I told him I hate him but I’m not even sure if I really do.”
 
“You told me you weren’t in love with him but you were.” Junsu retorts from the other line.
 
“Touché.” He lets out a banshee scream as he dives on to his bed. Fifteen years would have sufficed for him to forget Jung Yunho. But that wasn’t the case. The two months he spent with him had more impact than the fifteen years he spent away from him. He fell for the man hook, line, and sinker, and no matter how much he tries to hate him, it just doesn’t seem feasible. It was impossible to fall out of love with Jung Yunho.
 
“It baffles me how you still can’t get yourself to loathe him.” He hears Junsu sigh which prompts him to do the same. Tell me about it. “I suppose the longing subdues the hatred.”
 
“Him getting himself a girlfriend can’t even make me hate him.”
 
“I’m furious at him for you. He made you wait for years only to drop you like that. The ing audacity of that scumbag.”
 
“I’m mostly sad.” he admits. “The anger I felt was short-lived, honestly. It just turned into sadness. Like, I understood why he did what he did. It couldn’t be helped considering his situation. It just made me feel like I was unwanted. He could’ve at least had the decency to tell me he no longer wants me around. I wanted closure, I guess.”
 
“Sometimes, not having a closure is the best closure.”
 
Jaejoong raises a brow. “And you know this because?”
 
“I watch to much movies.”
 
“Right. I’ve probably taken too much of your time, Mr. Love Guru. I’ll get some rest now. It’s been a long day. I’ll see you soon.”
 
“See you, my Jaejae.”
 
Jaejoong heaves out another deep sigh and stares at the ceiling. He was bonkers when he started setting up the anti-fan cafe. He should have known it would do more harm than good. His determination when it comes to getting back at Yunho side-tracked him from his main goal of forgetting him. Rather than erasing him from his memory, he is reminded of the man on a daily basis.
 
It might not have been a good idea after all. Not only was it petty, it was also unnecessary. Nonetheless, what’s done is done and he’ll just have to face the consequences of his actions.
 
“ to be me.”
 
 
 
 
 
“You look like .”
 
It took Yunho a good amount of willpower to not hurl the nearest object he could get his hands on – which happens to be a pair of scissors – to his manager. Generally, he’s a patient person, but if his manager adds more salt to his injury, then he’d consider inflicting physical injury on him. He’s not exactly in the mood to play nice.
 
Although to be fair, he does feel like . The hoo-ha with Jaejoong has gotten to the media and for some reason, they think it’s an issue that’s significant to the society and would affect South Korea’s economy. Sure, they don’t know the details, but the fact that they’re making money through the whole ordeal by using their paparazzi photos and headlines that are completely false is making him irate. The nerve of some people, really.
 
“You could’ve told me where you were going, at least.”
 
Yunho scoffs. “You wouldn’t even approve of it.”
 
“True. But if you sneak out, which you will, I’d know where to find you.” Yunho shrugs. “No point in scolding you right now. Just… be well, okay?” He knows it’s Changmin telling him to get his together in the nicest way possible. “I know something is up and you better talk to someone about it. I’m not your ideal person for that, I suppose. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask this.”
 
“Hm?”
 
“The headline sparked rumours, you know.” And it sparks Yunho’s attention too. He sits up straight on his couch and actually pays attention to his manager for the first time that day. “Rumours of you being gay. That you just broke up with your girlfriend and now you’re seen with a guy.” He observes how Changmin is looking at him. There is no judgement nor disgust in his eyes. “Would you want us to outright deny it in any case it isn’t true? Or, since I’m nice enough for a manager, do you want an official statement that dodges the speculations? If, you know, it’s factual somehow.” Yunho easily opts for the second one. Living honestly is something he lives by. Changmin smiles at him. It’s a kind one. “I wasn’t expecting that for sure. But that’s your life and I respect it. Well then, I’ll go on ahead. I’ll contact you when needed. Be a good boy!”
 
As he watches Changmin’s retreating back, he realises how lucky he truly is for having a manager that cares for him and his well-being. He made the right decision to ditch the old one and hire Changmin.
 
You okay? How are you holding up? I’m not going to ask what your relationship with the man is but I could at least help you. I’d post on social media and tell them he’s not the reason of our break up.
 
He receives a message from his ex-girlfriend. They parted on good terms because their relationship wasn’t going anywhere. Breaking up was a mutual decision. There wasn’t any spark to begin with. She was only physically attracted to him and Yunho thought that it’s something that would help him fall out of love with Jaejoong. The love department isn’t exactly his forte. He screwed up what he and Jaejoong could’ve had and he’s still living with the consequences. Jaejoong probably has moved on already. There are times when he wonders if he already has a boyfriend which is likely. Jaejoong is gorgeous, kind, and sometimes he comes off as a little too strong but that’s his charm.
 
The fact that Jaejoong may have found someone else bothers him. It bothers him because all this time it’s still Jaejoong. It will always be Jaejoong. It will never not be him.
 
I’ll be fine. No need to go through all that trouble. Thanks for the concern, Gaeun.
 
 
 
 
 
Jaejoong’s phone has been going off nonstop the whole morning. It’s starting to get on his nerves. No thanks to Yunho’s celebrity status, his face is all over newspapers, news sites, and social media. To make things worse, he’s now branded as Yunho’s “home wrecker gay lover”. He had to set all his SNS accounts to private and post a message on his anti-fan cafe. He knows people there could get ruthless, even he wasn’t spared. Being called a two-faced and a variety of other colourful insults was uncalled for.
 
For the first time, he questioned his purpose of starting the page. It didn’t feel good to be called such thing. Is it what Yunho felt when he had to go through the whole site? If he felt awful, Yunho might have felt much worse. And he even had the courage to meet with the people who despise him.
 
A sudden wave of remorse rushes through his body. He is disgusted with himself. Did he have to personally experience getting on for him to realise this one horrible choice in life?
 
Ignoring his still buzzing phone, he dials a number he’s memorised by heart. Junsu immediately picks up after the first ring. “Jaejae! How are you?”
 
“I feel horrible, Junsuyah.”
 
“I know. He’s an awful human be—”
 
“No.” he cuts Junsu off. “He’s done nothing wrong.”
 
“What’s wrong?”
 
And just like that, he spills out his innermost feelings, his regret, and how he should not have subjected Yunho to taunting and harassment.
 
“I… I need to talk to him Junsuyah!” He says in a panicked voice. “I need to apologise for what I’ve done. I was so ing petty!”
 
“I have three hours before I get off work. Are you able to wait for me until then?”
 
“No!” Jaejoong responds too quickly. “I don’t know. I have to see him now and apologise—”
 
“You’re being too rash. While it’s a good idea that you want to talk things out with him since what you both did are wrong, you can’t just barge in his house. Surely, there will be media people all over the vicinity of his home. You wouldn’t want to add fuel to the rumours, don’t you?”
 
“Not really.”
 
“I thought so too. Then wait for me and we’ll plan your next move. Everything will be fine, Jaejae. Trust me.”
 
Easier said than done. He could trust Junsu. However, that does not mean he’s got control over things. It’s not like when he says it’s going to be fine, it’s truly going to be fine. But nevertheless, he gets his point and decides not to push it until they have talked about it properly. “I… I also want to close the site.”
 
It takes Junsu a while before he answers, “Can’t say I didn’t expect that. And I’m glad you finally decided on doing that. It’s long overdue, Jaejae.”
 
“I know.” Jaejoong utters with a sigh. “I can’t believe I’ve been so blinded by hurt that I failed to see the absurdity of it all.”
 
“Hey, we all learn.”
 
They chat for a bit more until Junsu squeaks and announces that he’s been “in the bathroom” for too long that his officemates might think he’s doing something illegal.
 
Jaejoong laughs softly. “Let them think you’re taking a dump then. Your best friend needs you.”
 
“Jaejoongieee…” Junsu whines. He gives in. A bit more teasing after, they hang up with a promise of meeting up later in the evening.
 
 
 
 
 
Shutting down his anti-fan cafe is easier than he imagined. The hard part is finding out whether or not the friendships he formed with a few anti-fans are genuine or not. Perhaps it’s silly how he wants to keep the friendship he has with the people who hate the person he loves the most. But when those people are not busy dissing Yunho, they do have great and deep conversations.
 
it, he decides, and posts a notice before deleting all the contents of the page. If they are not able to respect his decision then screw them, right? He’s done throwing Yunho under the bus.
 
He’s not hoping for them to get back together. Not that they were ever officially together in the first place. All he wants is to apologise to him for being imprudent and letting his emotions get to him.
 
His phone pings and it’s a message from Jieun.
 
I’m sad, not mad, oppa. I know you have a reason for doing this. I hope this doesn’t mean that our friendship would end just because the page is deleted. Let’s hang out some time like the usual, okay? No dissing anyone this time. Although I still don’t really like him. Still, you have yet to tell your favourite anti-fan the juicy details between you and Yunho. Ugh it’s so strange to be talking about him like this haha gotta get used to it, I guess. Let’s keep in touch, Jaejoong oppa :)
 
A smile spreads across his face. Jieun has always been his favourite. She is basically a sister to him just as he is a brother to her. He’s glad there’s at least someone who thinks their friendship is much more important than a stupid anti-fan cafe.
 
He does receive another message, much to his delight, and this time it’s from Samuel.
 
it’s cool, hyung. we have more things in common than disliking yunho. but yakno i suppose that doesn’t apply to you now, does it? hehehe see u and jieun noona soon!
 
Ah, he thinks, it feels nice to have real friends.
 
At half past five, Junsu arrives at his apartment with dinner in hand.
 
“You’re a lifesaver!” he exclaims, taking the takeout bags from Junsu’s hands. “I didn’t know what to make for dinner. I wasn’t in the mood to cook.”
 
Junsu shrugs, plopping down the couch. “I figured.” He watches as Jaejoong floats around the dining area to set up the table and get the food ready. “How are you?”
 
Jaejoong groans. “I just want to be able to talk to him.”
 
“I thought about it.” The older male hums in response. “Maybe I should be the one to go to Yunho’s house instead. The nosy s aka media people won’t suspect a thing. I’ll take Yunho here instead.”
 
“The nosy s would follow you both here.”
 
“We’ll find a way.”
 
“Are you sure?”
 
“Um, not really.”
 
Well, .
 
 
 
 
 
Yunho is rudely awakened by his manager. His hand automatically touches his right arm which strangely feels sore. “Why does my arm sting?” he asks, shooting a glare at a grinning Changmin.
 
“I may or may not have been hitting you on the arm. You sleep like a log sometimes.”
 
“Why do you have to be so violent so early in the mo—” He cuts himself off when he notices that Changmin isn’t alone. Much to his surprise, it’s Junsu whose smile is making him look like he’s constipated. “Junsu? W-what are you doing here?” He gets up from the bed, combing his hair with his fingers— an attempt to make himself look a bit presentable.
 
It’s been too long since he saw Junsu. Physically, not much has changed. But he sure looks a lot colder than he used to be. He might have noticed him looking past him because he chuckles and shakes his head. “Jaejoong isn’t with me but he’s the reason why I’m here. I can wait, though. You can get ready first if this is uncomfortable for you.”
 
He nods and sprints towards the bathroom to freshen up.
 
“Jaejoong has realised some things.” Junsu tells him when he graces them with his presence after his record-breaking ten-minute bath. His hair is still damp as he sat across Junsu and his manager. “I can’t go into details. I’m just here to tell you that he wants to talk to you. Desperately.”
 
Yunho gapes. Maybe there’s hope after all?
 
“I do have things to tell him too.” He confesses. “You probably hate me, but believe me when I say I did not mean to hurt Jaejoong like that. I did not mean to leave him hanging.” He is aware that his manager is listening and he might have to explain to him later. He is not worried about that anymore. Changmin has proved that he is worthy of Yunho’s trust and slowly, he will learn how to confide to him.
 
“I don’t know, Yunho. You left him and sometime later you got yourself a girlfriend. What bull is that? But anyway, that’s not what I’m here for. I just wanted to let you know that you and Jaejae need to talk. We have booked a hotel room for you two. No funny business!” Junsu frowns. “Obviously he cannot go here because of the media and we can’t risk them knowing where he lives. It’s the safest option. He’s there right now and Changmin-ssi will be going with you to avoid suspicion.”
 
“I’ll transfer to another room after five minutes or so.” Changmin chimes in. “I wouldn’t want to disturb you two. You’re welcome.”
 
Yunho nods in understanding. His heart starts pounding hardly. He’s never been this edgy. Not even when he auditioned in his agency. Be still, my heart.
 
 
 
 
 
The car ride to the hotel was nerve-wracking. He kept on making wrong turns. It was annoying. He was grateful that Changmin did not scold him like he would on any other normal day. He even offered to drive in his stead, although he had to decline because driving was the only way to distract him and potentially calm his nerves.
 
Except it really didn’t do anything to lessen his anxiety.
 
“Yunho, if you don’t let me insert the keycard then we’d be standing here all day.”
 
“I’m so ing nervous I want to puke.”
 
“Damn it Yunho, no. I don’t want to clean your—”
 
The door swings open and it surprises the two tall men. They stare wide-eyed at a blinking Jaejoong, their hands clutching on to their chest.
 
“I’m sorry!” Jaejoong exclaims. “I was impatient. I could hear you arguing for almost ten minutes and I’ve been checking the peephole to see if you’ll be coming in anytime soon.”
 
“It’s alright.” Changmin responds on behalf of his talent. He pushes Yunho inside because he really wants to be safe from spies and CCTVs. “Yunho is sorry we took so long. It’s nice to meet you, Jaejoong. I’m Changmin, Yunho’s wonderful manager. I’ll get to know you some other time because Yunho here can’t wait to talk to you. Please talk to him soon or else he’ll puke all over the room. If you don’t mind, I’ll rummage the place for a paper bag while you two talk. Just in case, you know, he feels like decorating the floor.”
 
Jaejoong is pleasantly surprised that Yunho’s manager is quite friendly, the complete opposite of the typical strict managers he hears celebrities have. “It’s okay, Changmin-ssi. Do as you please.”
 
Changmin grins. “If I do, I won’t be leaving this room. But thank you for that. Bless your kind heart and soul.”
 
“Oh.”
 
“Oh indeed. Well then, don’t mind me.” He waves a hand at the pair and heads towards the mini kitchen, hoping to find an ideal barf bag.
 
As Changmin disappears from his sight, Jaejoong shifts his attention to Yunho who is openly staring at him. It certainly feels odd for them this close without having the urge to spew hurtful words to each other. He stares right back at Yunho and gulps. He stares some more, failing to realise that tears are starting to well up on his eyes. Only when he feels Yunho’s familiar hands on his face does he grasp the fact that he is crying.
 
“I’m sorry! I’m… I’m so ing sorry, Yunho!” Just like that, he lets go of his inhibitions and throws himself at the taller man, his arms wrapped around him tightly. His face is buried on Yunho’s chest as he sobs to his heart’s content. He gets a whiff of Yunho’s scent. He used to smell fruity – his perfume choices always baffled him – but now his perfume has a sharp herbaceous and woody scent that suits him. “That was so childish of me.” Jaejoong explains further, his voice muffled but Yunho could understand just fine. “It was a selfish decision to throw you under the bus for my own pleasure.”
 
“You did nothing wrong.” Yunho assures him, one of his arms wrapped around his torso whilst the other one is rubbing his back in comfort. Jaejoong would be lying if he said it does not feel good to be Yunho’s arms for so long, because it is. “I’ll carry you, okay?” Before Jaejoong could even have a chance to react, Yunho’s hands travel down to his legs, slips it under his knees, and hauls him up with a grunt. He effortlessly carries Jaejoong towards the bed and by then, they hear the door click close. He silently thanks Changmin for giving them their much needed privacy.
 
When he gently puts Jaejoong down and tries detaching himself from him, the smaller man grabs a fistful of his shirt. The gesture catches him off guard. He doesn’t know what to make of it until Jaejoong speaks in a rather soft voice. “Please hold me.”
 
Yunho gladly complies.
 
That is how they ended up in bed with Jaejoong using his arm as a pillow. Jaejoong finds it ridiculous how he came with the intention of just talking to Yunho— to apologise for his behaviour. Yet, fate had other plans for him. It’s not like he easily gets swayed by Yunho’s pouts and hissy fits when he chooses to be a big baby, but when he saw him, he completely lost it. There was an uncontrollable urge to envelope him in his arms. He had to hold him tight.
 
He supposes it could be because it might be his last chance to do it. He wasn’t sure how their talk would end up. It could be for the better or for worse. Either way, he doesn’t want to have regrets. He does not want to regret not being able to hold Yunho before they permanently part ways if things don’t work out.
 
The past few days have been greatly stressful for him. He is mentally exhausted and the warmth of Yunho’s body is doing an impressive job of calming down his nerves.
 
“Junsu told me you wanted to tell me something. Was that what it was?” When Jaejoong nods, his hold on him unconsciously tightens. “I have something to tell you as well. Would you let me?” He absentmindedly runs his fingers through Jaejoong’s soft locks. “I wanted to explain for so long but just never got the chance.
 
“Okay.”
 
“I’m sorry I got mad at you the first time I saw you after so long.” Yunho confesses, his hand rubbing Jaejoong’s side. It all feels surreal. Never did it cross his mind that a simple talk with Jaejoong would end up with them cuddling. He expected things to get heated, for Jaejoong to walk out on him. And yet, the exact opposite happened. Not that he’s complaining, no. It’s more than he could ever ask for. “I just never thought I’d see you again. And right there, out of all events. It was a natural reaction for me to feel betrayed by your actions. Specially when before you showed up, the others were talking about the anti-fan café activities and how you used to give them freebies during gatherings and whatnot. It hurt me. It never occurred to me that you’re capable of doing such thing because of how much you hate me.”
 
Jaejoong makes a small noise of acknowledgement, as if telling him that he’s listening. “The thing is, I don’t.” He looks at Jaejoong and sees him staring right back at him. “I never did.” Jaejoong says all too seriously. “I was sad, but I never hated you. I wanted to but I just can’t. I tried so hard specially when you had the nerve to get a girlfriend. Like that ed me up so bad. I told you I hated you because what else was I supposed to say?”
 
“I never loved her.” He admits. “We never loved each other. I agreed to be in a relationship with her in hopes of forgetting you. That maybe she’d be the reason I’d fall out of love with you.”
 
Jaejoong sits up in haste, a frown marring his features. “What the Yunho? Why would you want to do that?”
 
He tries to pull the smaller back in his arms but he won’t budge. He heaves out a sigh and sits up as well. Jaejoong maintains a decent distance between them. That irks him but that was his own doing. “In my head, you might have had a boyfriend and that didn’t sit well with me.” Yunho clarifies. “After what I did to you, you deserve to be happy after the heartbreak. I can’t hold you back from loving someone. At the same time, I can’t bear seeing you with someone else. The only way I’d be able to do that is if I involved myself with someone else. And you know how that went.”
 
“How long were you together?”
 
“Almost three years. It was loveless but not unpleasant. It felt like I had a best friend.”
 
“I see.”
 
“I wanted to come back to you, you know.” Yunho starts carefully. This is the part where he’ll come clean. Where he’ll say what went wrong and why. He studies Jaejoong before diving on to the story. “There came a time when my popularity, I don’t mean to brag, skyrocketed. The management loosened their tight leash on me and decisively allowed me to own a phone and visit my family and friends when I have no schedule.” Jaejoong remains unmoving and Yunho musters the courage to reach out and grab a hold of his hand. When Jaejoong makes no move to snatch his hand back, he tests his limits and intertwines their fingers. “Of course I jumped at the chance to go back home. Every single trip back home, the desire to visit you grew and grew.”
 
“Then why didn’t you?!”
 
“I know I was a total dickhead for not having the guts to pay you an actual visit, but I was scared.” The frown on Jaejoong’s face deepens. “I had a legitimate reason. Please hear me out.”
 
“It’s not like I have any other choice. Go on.”
 
“My then manager followed me around. He made sure to keep an eye on me even at my parents’ house which was absolutely ridiculous. Like what business does he have with my parents, right? He had no right to meddle with my personal life. But then I was quite naïve to know that. That time I thought it was the management’s order. It’s either that or he was just being extra and creepy. There was just no way I could sneak out to meet you. I was not banned from dating but then I was positive that the management wouldn’t keep it that way when they find out I’m involved with a guy. I also didn’t want to risk you getting threatened nor harassed by my manager or anyone from the company. Which was why I ultimately made the difficult decision to stay away.”
 
“So essentially, you chose your career over me.”
 
“I know it comes off that way but I just really wanted to protect you. I figured that there will come a time when no—”
 
“It is that way, Yunho.” Jaejoong laughs cynically. “There’s no other way to put it.”
 
Yunho sighs in defeat. He made the wrong move. He worried too much over nothing. Maybe, if he tried hard enough, he would have found a way to come back to Jaejoong without having to let fifteen years pass. Perhaps he would have kept all the unnecessary things from happening if he was brave enough to fight for Jaejoong. 
 
“The root of all this mess is me.” Yunho utters with a groan. “But we already know that. My priority was different, I lived in cowardice, and now I’m bombarded with endless what if’s and maybe’s.”
 
“What do you reckon you’d do then?”
 
Jaejoong looks at him half expectantly. The moment he wrapped his arms around Yunho, it was as good as him baring his soul. One would think he’s too easy after what Yunho put him through. It might be thoughtless of him, even, but people fail to consider how he’s waited for almost half of his life. It’s been a long wait and he believes he deserves the chance to be able to grab the opportunity with no hesitation whatsoever once it presents itself— opportunity in the form of Yunho. He spent years and years trying to hate him, and he never succeeded. It was a lost cause. Jaejoong is done being sad and feeling incomplete. The ball is now in Yunho’s court, and Jaejoong could only hope that the celebrity manages to catch on.
 
If not, well, Yunho balls indeed.
 
“Can we… start over again?”
 
 
 
 
 
“Jaejoongie…”
 
Looking up from his book, the man in question eyes his boyfriend of five days lounging on the dining table whilst browsing on his laptop. “Yeah?”
 
“For some reason, I can’t find your anti-fan cafe. Did you change the name or something? I want to browse.”
 
Jaejoong frowns. “Have I not told you?” he questions, slipping a bookmark in between the pages he’s reading before putting the book down.
 
“Huh? Told me what?”
 
He marches towards his confused lover and smiles. “I’ve shut it down. Deleted all the contents and . The contents are  anyway.”
 
“But why would you do that?”
 
He squints, observing if the other man is just messing around with him. He stares at him, waiting for him to crack a smile. The situation feels quite familiar. Something akin to it happened the first time they met.
 
When it feels like he’s just waiting in vain, he heaves out a sigh.
 
“Why would I not? Jung Yunho?” he retorts, still a bit confused. “I got rid of it even before we got together. What are you going to do with it anyway and it’s got your in a bunch?” Yunho makes a face and pulls him by the hand. Jaejoong uncharacteristically squeaks as he is manhandled to sit on Yunho’s lap. “This is abuse!” he cries, but nonetheless lets the celebrity wrap his arms tightly around his waist.
 
“No, this is fifteen years overdue.”
 
And somehow, Jaejoong cannot find it in himself to argue.
 
 
(That night, when they’re in bed, Jaejoong thinks about how lucky they are. That despite all that happened, here they are still together. Sadly, it doesn’t work out the same for other people. Perhaps the universe doesn’t hate him after all.
 
“I love you.” he whispers to a sleeping Yunho, his hand gently caressing his cheek.
 
“I love you too.”
 
“I thought you were sleeping.”
 
“Your staring gave me the heebie jeebies and it woke me up.”
 
“Hey!”
 
“Kidding. I really do love you though.”
 
“I know, silly.”
 
“Silly but yours.”
 
“You have always been mine, right?”
 
“Darling, I told you my feelings would never change, didn’t I?”)

 

end.