Hello friends!~ Welcome back to this little... book? 

(Current Song is Monster by skillet covered by Jonathan Young and Caleb Hyles.)

So, I've finally put put on Anxiety meds!!! And we're looking into therapists for me to talk to, to help. I feel... so free. The constant anxiety, the pressure. It's all gone! I only feel little bits of it. 

I feel so light.

My birthday and birthday party are coming up! I'm so excited, but also scared.

I had invited HIM......of course he's never responded but... will he come? I keep thinking about it... He has a girlfriend now. 

(Song change to My Lullaby covered by Jonathan Young.) 

I can't escape their lovey dovey relationship posts. They're everywhere!! They taunt me! They follow me! 

They Hurt Me.

I just, can't help myself. Rereading the texts, our moments of flirtation. Of where I thought we had a spark. Where for the first time ever, I said I want a relationship with THIS person.  

(Song Change to Hellfire cover by Jonathan Young.)

The first time, I begin to gain confidence in myself. I gather the courage, ready to fall into my first relationship. But... I wasn't ready to fall straight to the floor....  I did not land into the arms of the one I wanted. My heart wraught by pain. Ugly and Searing, it tears and rips. It pulses in agony when I think of HIM or see his posts with...her. I just honestly can't see what's so AMAZING about her. How she just strolls in and manages to snatch up the guy i had been trying to get with for months and she does it within days. 

It's.... unbelievable.

It's her confidence in herself. The fact that she wears clothes that barely fit. How she's ready to bust out of her pants... or lack thereof any second. Seriously! She's a verrrrry thick girl.... and she wears clothes that dig into her skin and look like they cut off circulation. Her clothes leave NOTHING to the imagination.

(Song change to Trap of Love from Scooby Doo.)

That must be what drags him in. How... vulgar and confident she is. How much of a... Hoe she is. They are sadly pretty much the same person. Just opposite genders. It's kind of scary. How they can't handle not being in a "relationship". Honestly I think it's because of how much they want to flaunt a "perfect" relationship then bring drama to it and have their friends fawn over them. It also has something to do with the fact that I'm a and she is most definitly NOT.

(brb I'm trynna find a song to listen to. And I need a snack..... don't know if i'm gonna find one though...)

okay~ i back.. and I got chicken noodle soup.... not a snack but I wanted something salty... ~ (song change to President GaGa by TheHillyWood Show.)

I don't know when i'm going to not think about him. It's good that he won't be returning to JVS this year. I don't know how I would deal with it.... not that he talked to me in class after I confessed but you know. He and his new toy will last a little while then they'll break up and he'll come back to play with my feelings like last time. And then he'll date someone else. I'm a rebound.... a placeholder, I realize this now. 

That makes me feel...sad.

I feel like beating him up. For dragging me around and leaving me hanging while he went around for a better girl. I really want to know if he ever found me attractive... he said I was his type, and yet he dates the girl that's the exact opposite of me. 

(music change to Prom Night by Jeffree Star.)

I don't have anyone to connect with... my friends tell me to get over him... but it's not that simple! My sister can't understand. I don't really want to talk to my cousin.... things have been weird between us recently.... like creepy weird... So i've been avoiding him. My other cousin is hard to get ahold of.. :/ She's been in a weird thing the past year or so were she just doesn't want to hang out or respond to me... T^T 

I feel to awkward to talk face to face with people about it... and i don't want to see the looks of disappointment when i try to talk to them about it. I want to talk to someone who's been in the same position. 

I think that's where I'll stop today...

I actually might start a Fic Rec since I'm always out on the look for good EXO x OC fics....

So catch you next time!~ Thank you for reading!