Hello, Welcome to the first chapter! This "book" will really just be me rambling, but, uh I'll try to keep it classy huh? 

So, my depression. It's a heavy subject, but aren't all mental illnesses...  or really any illness? I've recently begun to feel worse in terms of my depression. 

HOLD ON 1 MOMENT! I need something to munch on while I'm writing.... BRB

Alrighty, I've got some chips and dip, my music is Heathens by Twenty One Pilots. Lets go!

Now, Depression. It's described many different ways. People feel it differently. Some feel it harder than others, but that doesn't mean they don't deserve help. Anyone with depression needs love. Don't tell them others have it worse, or anything like that. How I would Like to slap the people who say that to me. Same with the people who tell me to "Cheer up" or "Stop thinking about it" or anything like that. IF I COULD I WOULD!  Geez, thanks Captain Obvious 

oh boy... i'm already feeling the want to stop writing, my head is already telling me to quit, that it's too much work.

But This is something I NEED to do. 

I need to keep my head going, talk about my thoughts and feelings. Get them out to people on here that might care enough to talk.

So, i'm going into my Senior year of highschool. My dad's pressuring me to get a job, in his words i'm just another uselss mouth to feed, I don't contribute to this house.... my social anxiety makes it almost impossible to talk to people, so running a cash register is asking for me to die. I can barely count money as it is, but under pressure!? hell no!

My head also keeps telling me to study and get my temps, which is another pressure from my parents, but.... I just... can't. 

I have NO motivation to do anything other than watching netflix or playing video games, but even then I barely want to do that. I can't sleep at night and the guy I like is ignoring me after... well some pretty indecent texts... it just makes me feel.... unwanted and undesirable. It feels like no one cares, and I feel like i've cried out so much and so loudly yet no one wants to hear it. 

Being ignored hurts.

Being ostracized hurts.

Being pushed away because of the things you like hurts.

Being talked over hurts.

This past year I have delt with the worst kinds of people. The ones who don't want to talk to you because they can't understand why you like something, in my case it's Kpop and the asian cultures and anime. it's just, i've always watched anime. From when I was old enough to understand english, or read even. Sure it started out as the english dub, but it's still anime. A lot of the kids in my Media class like anime almost as much as I did but they also liked to talk about it and call it trash. Even calling themselves trash for liking it. 

(Song change to EXO Monster)

I was the one who was ostracized and no one ever really wanted to talk to me. Except for the guy who wanted to get into my pants after we hung out during a field trip.... That was... eh.

Even the person I considered my best friend who's into the same stuff I am, I was even the one who got her into Kpop!! She likes it too!! There where other girls that liked Kpop but they also liked to talk about it... my "friend" also picked on me with the others over my like of Kpop and I drew EXO's Kai.. I really liked the drawing, i felt it was the best thing i've ever drawn. But they all told my i was obssessed.... even my "best friend". They called me wierd and constantly insulted me over it whenever I was talking about projects, because our projects where about our interests, so of course I Used EXO. Even the teacher made fun of me, and cut me off when I was talking. It hurt, to be labelled the "freak" because i was into something that wasn't american.... so apparently it's BAD to like something alot because they help you cope with your mental illnesses.

It hurts that they all talk and hang out, but I'm never thought of or invited. 

I ended up falling for a guy, who's an absolute ....

At the beginning of the year, he only talked to me. He treated me differently than the other girls, or atleast that's what my friend and I saw.

Time passed and I found the courage to tell him That I liked him. But that I was scared to change our friendship. And to be honest I wish I had never said anything. He assured me multiple times that even though we weren't dating (he kept saying that if it happened, it would happen...... whatever that meant...) our friendship wouldn't change.......

He lied.

He started to ignore me, if I tried talking he'd ignore me or direct his attention to someone else. If I said something if we where talking in a group, nobody could hear me because others would talk over me. In this class, I'm invisible.

Months passed and my "friend" gets upset with me when we're filming for a project and at my family's lake house. I was talking to my cousin about the guy I like because she would understand. My "friend" in a totally exasperated voice, sounding as if she's sooooo done with me, says "you're still not over him?!" 

Well excuse me Miss! But I can't just turn my feelings off!!! This isn't The Vampire Diaries! That's not how these things work!! 

Another almost 2 months pass. It's summer vacation, and I'm actually brought into a conversation with the guy I like and another of our friends.

Our mutual friend goes silent as the two of us begin to slowly and subtly flirt.... 

We switch over to Our shared messages where we won't disturb the other 2 that where in the other group chat previous.

Some pictures where sent, I felt Amazing, I felt Beautiful. In those few hours. 

I thought we'd actually might be moving somewhere and might get together.

I was wrong.

The next morning, and up until now the month after. I have gotten no responce every time i've tried to contact him. He even ignores my friend when I ask her to contact him! He never reads my texts, never likes anything I tag him in!

I feel used.

I feel....gross.

I feel hopeless.

And then a week after those texts had happened, he goes off on facebook about how he wants a girlfriend. How he wants someone to love and be loved in return. Then a week after that, a new girl appears. With the body of a thick pear, curves and s I don't have. The personality of a hoe, comes his... toy. To aptly put it. They aren't dating, because he doesn't date. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet when I was texting him. But he wants a girlfriend.

Friends with benefits much?

I feel envy.

Why does she get his attention, when I can't? What does she have that I don't? 

She has the body. 

and she doesn't want a relationship.

The girl who posts pictures of herself in her underwear on facebook, letting her friends share the picture.

The guy I like shared it, with a post about how beautiful his girl looks. How she's perfect.

Over the past few weeks I've hade to scroll past their tagged posts of each other. Whereas he won't even respond to anything I tag him in. I'm sick of it. of the yearning and want I feel for him. Of the sadness I feel whenever I think of him, or reread our texts. My thoughts ask my why wasn't I interesting enough. Pretty enough? Funny enough? 

Why am I not good enough?

Everyone says it's him who's bad, even i KNOW that, but just saying that over and over again won't help me. if anything it just annoys me, because yes I DO know that, that I could have better elsewhere. But I like HIM. 

But having someone shower you with so much positive attention and then ignoring you for months then showering you again with that attention, it's distracting. It's like i'm finally learning to ignore you back and then you draw me back in. I just want to move on, to stop thinking about him. I want to stop asking myself why I can't hold a single guys attention. Am I really THAT ugly? I can't be right? It's only my anxiety and depression that makes me think i'm not that pretty when I look at myself right? It's not true, right? 

I sent in an application to work as a model at a modeling agency, I was so excited. I love modeling, and this year really proved that for me. The pictures taken where beautiful, I felt truley beautiful. My self esteem went up! I was finally feeling good about myself.  (Song change to EXO Overdose)

My neighbors when they asked about me getting a job I said I had applied, they where excited for me until I told them what it was...

They said " Shouldn't you get a real job?"

Honestly that hit me like a cold bucket of water was dropped on me.

Both my aunt and dad had said it wasn't a real job and even asked it i was even going to get payed! One of my other aunts had paused when I told her and then changed the conversation!! The only people supporting me about this was, for once my mother, my sister and my media class. 

As the 2 weeks went by, i got nervous. The agency hadn't contacted so far. In the end, they never did. I'm not good enough. Not thin enough, not tall enough. Not perfect enough. 

Not pretty enough, just like with him....

My self esteem dropped again.... I honestly don't know how to bring it up agian.... I think I'm going to end this chapter here. 

Thanks for reading!