Yerin’s POV

I looked at the TV and yet I didn’t really see it. My stomach kept churning and a heavy weight rested on my chest. Every breath seemed to hurt. My throat closed up and I barely managed to keep the tears in my eyes instead of letting them flow. My thoughts kept going to the message we had received not too long ago.

He’s gone…

I blinked a few times before glancing at my dongsaengs to see how they were doing. Yewon pressed a tissue against her eyes, half of her face buried in SinB’s shoulder. SinB had a blank expression on her face as she rubbed Yewon’s back, more out of habit than conscious thought. Yuna seemed to be engrossed in the movie, except that her eyes were unfocused and her hand held Eunha’s in a tight grip.

Eunha was the only one who met my eyes, the only one who had been watching the others as well. She sighed and nodded towards our maknaes. I glanced at them again before looking back to Eunha and frowned. I had never felt so helpless before. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do or say to make this any less heartbreaking than it was.

If I couldn’t even help them, how was I supposed to help Sojung-unnie?

The day had started out so well. We had been in the recording studio, doing our best to minimize the workload for when Sojung-unnie would come back. I had even been able to enjoy the V Live I had to do. It had been fun. Since it was an individual one, I had managed to ignore Sojung-unnie’s absence and the reason for it during the recording.

A few hours later our phones had beeped with the message that we knew would come, but had dreaded to receive.

I was still nauseous at the thought that I was probably enjoying myself while abeonim had drawn his last breath. Had I smiled at the same time? Had I laughed?

My phone beeped and I almost jumped at the sound. My heart leaped to my throat and my hands became sweaty as I wished for Sojung-unnie’s name to appear on the screen. We had all sent her individual video messages to remind her that she was not alone and that we would be there for her.

But it was only management.

Sighing, I looked at the girls. “They just published the statement.”

Yuna barely managed a nod, still staring at the TV without blinking. SinB and Yewon didn’t react at all. Eunha furrowed her brow as she looked at each of them. I pressed my lips together and turned my head away. I was not doing a good job as their unnie. I knew that. I was letting them down. But what as I supposed to do?

“That’s good,” she mumbled. “The fans should know. They will understand.”

I nodded and a thought suddenly crossed my mind. There was one thing I might be able to do. I stood up. I knew I had to do something. Anything really. Grabbing my phone, I ignored Eunha’s questioning look and went into the bedroom I shared with Sojung-unnie. I glanced at the vacated bed and a lump formed in my throat as I looked at the photo of her family on her bedside table. Swallowing dryly, I turned into the other direction.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to calm myself and focus on the task in front of me. I was the interim leader during Sojung-unnie’s absence. After another deep breath, I finally dialed the number.

I bit my thumb as I listened how the phone rang… and rang… and rang…

“Yerin-ah? Everything alright?”

“Everything is...” I stopped myself and shook my head. Nothing was fine. “We’re okay, Manager-nim. As okay as we can be, I guess. I… I have a request to make.”

“A request?” The confusion was clear in his voice. “What kind of request?”

I paced around the room, trying my best to not let the anxiety into my voice. “It’s about the concert tomorrow. That MBC music show.”

He typed something on a computer as he hummed. “You mean MBC FM4U Summer Special Plan’s 2018 Youth Concert PLAY?”

Who could even remember such a name?

“Yes, that one...” I trailed off and took every bit of courage I could muster up. I thought back to how cathartic my dongsaengs were and my resolve hardened. “I would like for you to cancel our appearance, Manager-nim. Please?”

“Yerin-ah...” He sighed. “You agreed to do your schedules without Sojung-ah. That’s why the label was fine with giving her unlimited time off.”

I clenched my jaw. They should have given her those days off regardless. But I knew that was not how the music industry worked. “With all due respect, Manager-nim, my group is not able to perform tomorrow.”

“Yerin-ah...”

“I will gladly explain myself to CEO-nim, but we will not be able to perform tomorrow, Manager-nim. We are in no condition to show the audience a good performance. Canceling will be the best option.”

“Your fans are looking forward to the performance. Are you willing to disappoint them?”

“Our fans would be disappointed, if we didn’t take care of ourselves,” I said, completely sure that I was right. “They will understand and support our decision. Our well-being always comes first and foremost for them. And I will not let them down.”

Silence spread on the other side of the line, only interrupted by the sound of typing. I knew I was walking a thin line. Asking for a cancellation could go either way. And it could certainly land me in trouble. In very big trouble. I was in no position to cancel performances like this.

I thought back to all those times Sojung-unnie had been scolded by our managers and our CEO because she stood up for us and the memories gave me the strength I needed. I straightened my back. I had promised Sojung-unnie that I would look after our dongsaengs like she had done all these years and that she would not need to worry. I was not going to disappoint her. Even if it meant going straight to the CEO and outright refuse my group’s participation in that event. I would accept every punishment, every scolding, every criticism with no complaint. As long as no one forced my girls to perform while they were this devastated.

Our manager cleared his throat. “You’re sure you’re unable to perform? The girls are not ready?”

“None of us will be able to concentrate or think straight, Manager-nim. I can promise you that.”

I held my breath as he thought about my request. Then he sighed.

“This is gonna be entirely your responsibility, Yerin-ah. You know this, right?”

I swallowed and nodded. “Yes, Manager-nim. I’m well aware.”

“Alright. I’ll clear your schedule tomorrow. I’ll call MBC and tell them you will not be able to make it and send out a message to your fans. But I am not going to explain this to the CEO. You will have to do this on your own and face the consequences, okay? I’ll pick you up in ten minutes, Yerin-ah. Be ready by then.”

Without saying goodbye, he hung up. I let out a shuddering breath and leaned against the wall of our bedroom. After a few seconds I had calmed down my fast beating heart and I quickly started to change into more suitable clothes. When I stepped out of the room, I found the girls in the same position I had left them in.

I walked in front of the TV to get their attention and saw them frowning with confusion as they registered that I had changed my outfit. “You’ll have an off-day tomorrow, I cleared our schedule. I’m going out for a bit, but don’t wait up for me, okay?”

“Wait – what?” SinB blinked and shook her head. “We had… didn’t we have a performance? At this concert thing?”

“Youth concert?” Yuna guessed, looking completely lost. “What do you mean you cleared our schedule? You can’t just clear our schedule?”

“The MBC Summer Special?” Eunha asked. “Yuna’s right, you can’t just clear our schedule –”

“Well, I did,” I answered nonchalantly and glanced at Yewon who waved her hand in front of her face to try to stop the tears from coming. I sighed. “We’re not in the right condition to have this performance. Our fans will understand.”

“But...” SinB paused and furrowed her brow. “But how? Not that I’m not grateful, because I am, but...”

“But we were told Sojung-unnie can only have as many days as she needed if we keep doing our schedules,” Eunha finished for SinB. “What changed?”

“I explained to manager-nim that we’re unable to show a good performance and that it would be beneficial for everyone, if we canceled this performance.” I gave them a tiny smile and winked. “Am I a good interim leader or what?”

“And what did CEO-nim say to this?” Yuna asked warily.

“Well…” I scratched my head and tried to give them my brightest smile. “I guess I will find out in a few minutes. Manager-nim is coming to pick me up so I can tell him in person.”

Their jaws dropped. It looked quite comical and if I hadn’t been so anxious for my meeting with the CEO, I would have laughed.

“You what?!”

“You can’t be serious!”

“At this time?”

“We’ll come with you!” Eunha stood up, causing Yuna, SinB, and Yewon to do the same. “We will –”

“You will stay here,” I said softly. I was touched, but I couldn’t let them do this. “This is my responsibility, I will sort it out. It was my call to cancel tomorrow’s performance.”

Yewon laughed quietly and wiped another tear away. “You sound like Sojung-unnie, do you know that?”

I shrugged. “Then I’m doing a good job, I guess.”

Shaking her head, Eunha walked forward and pulled me into a hug. “You’re doing the best job, Unnie. Thank you.”

I relaxed in her arms and the tension started to leave my body. Someone embraced me from behind and pecked my cheek.

“Yes, thank you, Unnie,” I heard Yuna whisper before another pair of arms engulfed me.

“Thanks for looking after us, Unnie,” Yewon said as the last person joined our spontaneous group hug. “I know it’s not easy.”

“Thanks, Unnie. You can even take me to one of those claw machines tomorrow.”

I laughed and felt another kiss on my cheek and on the side of my head. “You would’ve come with me regardless and you know it!”

The ringing of the doorbell brought our group hug to an end and I brushed away some imaginary wrinkles on my clothes. I hoped our CEO was reasonable. And in a relatively good mood.

“I’m sure he will understand,” Yewon said quietly as if she had read my thoughts.

I looked up and saw the concern in their eyes. “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine. Watch another movie or something. And don’t wait up for me, if you’re tired go to bed. It might take long.”

I waited until everyone had nodded in agreement before turning towards the door. It was time to face the music.