Jihoon couldn’t stop thinking about the letter all week. It was on his mind as he taught, he thought about it as he composed, and it bothered him even as he joked around with Joshua. What was it about Jun that made him so vulnerable? Why did he have so much power to disrupt his life?

He was lucky that the concert was over and his students were just working on their final papers in class, so he didn’t have to pretend to be okay for too long. His students, clearly sensing something off, didn’t disturb him, even going to the effort of staying as quiet as possible. He really had the best students, even if he’d never admit it to them.

He spent his days at school composing, trying to keep his mind occupied. He composed several different songs, only for him to realize that all of them were too personal, Hearing everything he was feeling vocalized made his heart ache. He almost scrapped all of them but decided last minute to post them. Maybe someone out there would sympathize with him.

The comments were positive, with half of his followers asking if he was okay and the other half thanking him for creating something they could relate to. It made him feel slightly better, even though it reminded him of everything he’d been struggling with.

“So...” Joshua began hesitantly one night at dinner, absentmindedly twirling his fork in his pasta, “have you decided?”

“On what?” Jihoon asked, pretending to not know.

Judging by the expression on Joshua’s face, he hadn’t succeeded. “You know what.”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I feel like I should, but I’m terrified of what’ll happen if I tell him to come visit.”

“That’s natural,” the older nodded. “It’s scary, having to meet an ex after so long.”

“But if I don’t... I’m afraid I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering about the what ifs until I go insane,” Jihoon muttered, fiddling with his fingers, eyes locked vacantly on the table. “This might be my only opportunity to get answers, but I’m scared of taking the first step. It’s honestly just terrifying enough thinking about writing back.

“Do you want me to? I can write him a response for you. I don’t think he’d mind,” Joshua offered.

Jihoon was tempted to say yes. It would be so easy to let Joshua take care of everything for him, to spare him from as much pain as he could manage. If there was anyone he trusted to take care of him and make the right choices in his life, it would be Joshua. But he couldn’t let Joshua do everything for him. Joshua had already done more than enough for him, how could he let him do any more? How can he go through life depending on someone else to handle the rough parts of his life? No, he needed to deal with this alone. He needed to learn how to deal with this on his own terms. He’d never get closure if he didn’t.

“No, I got it,” he shook his head. “I’ll email him.”

After dinner, Jihoon stared at a blank email message. He didn’t know what to write. How should he address Jun? Does he make small talk in the beginning, or does he just go straight to it? Does he try to explain himself in the email, or does he wait to speak with him face to face? How does he sign off? Jun signed off with a Love, Jun but Jun’s more likely to do that than he is. If he signed off with a Love, Jihoon, would that imply that he wanted to get back together when Jihoon didn’t even know what he wanted?

In the end, Jihoon just writes bluntly but addresses everything he feels Jun deserves.

Hello Jun,

I got your letter last week. It was surprising, to say the least, but I appreciate you reaching out. The school I work at lets out at the end of the month, but I really don’t have any obligations as a music teacher during exam week, so I can work with whatever time works for you. I understand as an actor, you have an inconstant schedule, so I’d rather work around your schedule than mine. I hope to see you soon.

Sincerely,

Jihoon

When Joshua saw the email, long after Jihoon had sent it, he’d sent the younger a bewildered look. “This is... really impersonal, Jihoon.”

“I know,” he sighed, slumped in his office chair. “I just didn’t know how else to phrase it.”

“And that’s okay,” Joshua amended quickly, patting his shoulder. “It’s just who you are. Jun will understand.”

Will he?

The days leading up to Jun’s arrival saw Jihoon in a completely frazzled and disoriented state. It felt like everything--Jun emailing back, plans being made, pizza being ordered for his students, the school starting exam week--had all happened at once, and Jihoon was completely overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how to handle all of... this. The closer the day came, the less sure he felt of himself.

Joshua understood Jihoon’s dilemma, taking over cleaning the apartment for Jun’s impending arrival and cooking some of Jihoon’s favorite foods to help alleviate some of the stress. It worked, for the most part. It was reassuring to know that no matter what happened, Joshua would have his back. He would always have someone in his corner.

Soonyoung was happy when Jihoon told him the news. “That’s good! I’m glad you’re doing something about Jun.”

“It’s... terrifying,” Jihoon admitted. “I don’t know what to do or what to say when I see him.”

“I don’t blame you,” the older smiled knowingly. “No one knows what to do in these kinds of situations. It’s okay to not know what to do, but do you know what you want to come out of this? Like, an end goal?”

“I’m not sure,” he sighed. “I just... want closure on what happened three years ago so that I can move on. I’ll think I’ll go crazy otherwise.”

“That’s fair,” Soonyoung nodded. “But what about Jun? Do you want him in your life again, or do you want to end things for good?”

Jihoon swallowed thickly. “I... I think I want him back,” he admitted quietly, voice tight, “but I... I don’t think I deserve him back.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” the older reminded him gently.

“Don’t we?” He retorted bitterly. “I left him, Soonyoung. I’m the reason he got into that car accident, and then I just left without telling him where I was going or even if I was breaking up with him. How can you say I deserve him after all that?”

“I’m not saying you do or you don’t,” Soonyoung shrugged. “From anyone else’s perspective, you probably don’t. But no one’s opinion matters more than Jun. Jun gets to decide whether or not you deserve him or not. He’s not a child, Jihoon-ah. He can make his own decisions.”

Jihoon let out a shaky exhale, really tempted to just bury his face in his arms and never come out again. “I know. I’m just afraid that he’ll make the wrong decision to take me back.”

“Jun’s coming tomorrow,” Jihoon said suddenly at dinner three days later, startling Joshua, his fork making a screeching sound on the plate.

“...Yeah, he is,” Joshua managed to say. “Are you ready?”

He shrugged. “Not really, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready,” he replied.

“That’s... good,” the older hummed, uncertain. “At least you’re going to face it.”

“Yeah,” Jihoon mumbled, slouching in his chair. “I’m just nervous.”

“I would be too,” Joshua assured him. “Don’t feel like you have to be ready to face life. Life doesn’t give us that option.”

It didn’t make him feel much better, but it was a small comfort. He was so lucky he had Joshua and Soonyoung by his side. He couldn’t imagine what a wreck he would be without them. He was so, so, lucky.

He couldn’t sleep that night, blearily staring at the ceiling as the stars moved outside his window. Jun was coming. Jun was coming. He was going to see him again after a month, but even that didn’t capture the scope. He was really going to see Jun again after two whole years. He was coming back, willingly on his way to talk to his ex (were they exes if they never technically broke up?) who had taken the first flight out of Korea to escape him. Jihoon couldn’t understand it. Would he be angry? Would he be upset? What did he want from him? What would happen tomorrow? How would Jun fit into his new life? Would Jihoon fit into Jun’s new life? Did he want Jun to fit in his life? Or did he want their lives to be so different that it justified Jihoon’s actions? So much could go wrong tomorrow. Jihoon couldn’t tell if he wanted the morning to come faster or slower.

Jihoon ended up having a restless night, anxiety plaguing his thoughts even as he slept. The dread that filled his stomach when he woke up almost made him physically sick, and he wondered if he would even make it to Jun’s arrival. His reflection looked tired and gaunt as if he was death warmed over. He certainly felt like death, that was for sure.

Joshua already had a mug of tea ready for Jihoon when he walked out into the living room. “I know you drink coffee, but I thought I’d give you something that will calm you down instead of freak you out even more.”

“Thanks,” Jihoon smiled gratefully, gripping the mug with both hands.

“When is Jun coming?” The older asked gently.

“I think he’s coming over at noon-ish,” Jihoon replied hesitantly. “He’s coming with his manager, and apparently his fans know what his manager looks like too, so they have to be a little careful.”

“I’m still meeting them outside and giving them the garage key, right?” Joshua asked. When Jihoon nodded, he continued, “okay, good. They won’t have to get out of the car, then.”

When Jun finally texted him an hour later, letting him know he was here, Jihoon almost felt his heart leap into his throat. “H-He’s here,” he croaked. Joshua gave him a sympathetic smile, patting his shoulder comfortingly before disappearing out the front door.

Jihoon sat down on the couch, the mug of tea long gone cold still cradled in his hands, a phantom warmth keeping them warm. This was it. This was what he needed to move forward in life, no matter what happened after it.

He heard Joshua’s voice, louder than usual before he heard the door open. He smiled. Joshua, always looking out for him. “Well, I hope you don’t mind our apartment. It’s a little small, but we prefer it.”

“It’s very charming,” an unfamiliar voice, presumably Jun’s manager’s, complimented. “Feels like home.”

Jihoon finally turned away from his mug when he heard their footsteps get closer, standing up to face Jun and--

Damn.

Would there ever be enough time for Jihoon to get used to Jun’s beauty? Even now, when they’d planned this meeting, he still managed to take his breath away. His heart stuttered as if forgetting the impact Jun had always made on him. There was a glow around him, brighter than he remembered. Or maybe it was his memories that made it seem so dim before? He didn’t know anymore.

“Hey,” Jihoon managed, his voice quiet.

“Hey,” Jun whispered back, eyes locked on Jihoon’s.

For a few moments, no one said anything, the silence filling the room better than any sound could. No one knew what to do. No one knew how to proceed.

Finally, Joshua coughed, getting everyone’s attention. “Um, Jihoon, this is Jeonghan. He’s Jun’s manager.”

Shaking his head to clear his mind a bit (and get Jun off it temporarily) he extended a hand, managing to get out a “Nice to--” before the other bowed.

He blinked. It’d been too long since he’d done that. The last time he’d done that was... with Joshua when they met two years ago.

Noticing the outstretched hand and the now awkward silence, Jeonghan eagerly stepped forward. “I’m sorry, I forgot where we are. I swear I have to remind myself not to bow every time I walk into a room full of strangers.”

Letting out an anxious, nervous chuckle, Jihoon shook the other’s hand. “It’s okay, I understand. The States take some getting used to.”

“You would think I would be used to it already, considering Jun and I have been here for two months already, but old habits die hard,” Jeonghan replied amiably. “It’s nice to be able to hang out with fellow Koreans, though.”

“I actually haven’t been to Korea,” Joshua interrupted easily. “I grew up here, but I’ve always wanted to learn more about my homeland.”

“Why don’t we go to the kitchen to talk about it?” Jeonghan replied smoothly. “Jihoon and Jun have a lot to talk about.”

“Sounds good,” Joshua agreed. He shot Jihoon a reassuring look, mouthing, “Breathe, and be honest,” before following the other out of the room.

Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, Jihoon turned back to face the one person who had the power to affect Jihoon’s life, even thousands of miles away.

“We need to talk.”