“So... you’ve been here the whole time.” Jun’s voice was flat, dull; Jihoon couldn’t tell if he was asking a question or making a statement. 

Slowly, stiltedly, Jihoon nodded. His eyes went everywhere but Jun. He felt like he was choking on the silence so tangibly present between the two of them. This was what he’d done to them. 

“Have you been teaching music the entire time?” Jun persisted.

Jihoon coughed, trying to clear his throat as if that would help him speak to his ex. “Yeah,” he breathed, staring at the floor. “It’ll be two years this September.”

“That’s... cool,” Jun said, slowly making his way to the sofa. He sat down carefully as if he was afraid the furniture would eat him.

“What have you been up to... the past two years?” Jihoon asked tentatively, finally making eye contact with Jun.

“You know, same old, same old; acting, acting, and more acting,” Jun shrugged, looking away, out the window. “I’ve... I’ve been working on breaking into other countries. I’ve become pretty conversational in multiple languages.”

“That’s... amazing,” Jihoon said hoarsely, his throat becoming bone dry. It was one thing to hear of Jun’s accomplishments since he left. It was another to hear Jun acknowledge all that he’d accomplished after Jihoon left. It was another reason for Jun to leave Jihoon behind, and damn if that didn’t hurt a little.

“It... it would have been better if you were there with me,” Jun murmured quietly, still staring out the window.

Time stopped. It felt like all the air had been stolen from his lungs, and his muscles frozen in place. Jihoon didn’t know what to do. What could he say to that? Well, he could start with-

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon said sincerely. “I’m really, really sorry, Jun.”

Jun gave him a look filled with all the hurt, sorrow, and heartbreak he must have felt during those two years. A look that said a simple sorry couldn’t fix everything. “Why did you leave?”

Jihoon shrunk in his chair more. He couldn’t open his mouth, couldn’t say anything. Couldn’t tell Jun what he needed to hear.

When he didn’t--or couldn’t, technically--respond, Jun pressed on. “Do you know what it felt like, waking up and realizing you’d left? I thought you’d just went out to get breakfast or something but...” he covered his face with his hands. “Do you know how long I waited for you, that day? How many weeks I spent trying to look for you? How many times I checked my phone hoping you called or texted? Or how many times I came home every day for three weeks expecting to see you? Do you know how hard it was to accept that you just... left me? Three years of dating, eight years of friendship, and you just leave? Like none of it mattered? Like it was easy to do?”

Jihoon retreated more and more inside of himself with each word. He knew what he did was wrong, he knew that he should’ve talked to Jun, that they could’ve moved past this and become stronger if he hadn’t left. But he had been too scared, too doubtful, too insecure. And now look where they were. If Jihoon didn’t tell Jun everything now, if he didn’t tell him everything he should’ve two years ago, they’d never find the closure they needed.

“I thought I was holding you back.”

Jun froze. “What?” He breathed.

“I thought I was holding you back,” Jihoon repeated. “You were just starting a career in South Korea. Fans love single celebrities because they can pretend that they have a chance. Even though you never came out or announced our relationship, you were always linked with me. People were starting to talk, and if Dispatch figured it out, your career could’ve been over. I didn’t want to be the reason your dreams couldn’t come true.”

Jun took a few moments to process everything before asking, “Was it because of the accident?”

Jihoon shook his head. “No. It wasn’t just because of the accident. I’d been having these feelings for a while now but... the accident just made it feel more real. I know you only broke your arm but what if it had been worse? Or what if we didn’t notice and they got pictures of us going to my apartment? It could’ve been over just like that.”

“Well, why didn’t you tell me that?” Jun sounded agitated. “Why couldn’t you have sat me down and talked it out with me like a normal person would in a healthy relationship? Did I not make you comfortable enough? Were you afraid to burden me? No matter how busy I was then I would’ve made time for you. , Jihoon we were best friends before we even started dating. I thought you knew you could talk to me about anything, dating or not.”

Unbidden tears fell from Jihoon’s eyes before he could brush them away. “I know, I know,” he said, holding back the words of I’m sorry that threatened to pour out. “It’s just... I’m just... Iwasacoward.”

“What?” Jun leaned forward, making Jihoon’s breath hitch at the proximity. 

Louder, he repeated, “I was a coward.” Jun recoiled, and it hurt ten times more than when he had moved closer. “I couldn’t... be with you because I wasn’t enough. I couldn’t be the person you wanted me to be.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I couldn’t see why you were with me,” Jihoon confessed. “We’re so different, Jun. You’re spontaneous and romantic and hopeful, and I’m logical, detail-driven and pessimistic. It’s not like ‘opposites attract’ even really applied... it’s just that... I didn’t think I could give you what you want. What you need. You’d never be able to show me off to people. I barely even let you tell some of our friends that we were dating and made them keep it a secret as well because I was so scared it would be leaked somehow. What kind of relationship was that? I’m afraid of the public. People are cruel. If they aren’t tearing into idols for being too gay, how would they treat an actual gay couple? And if not that, then they’d hate me for not being affectionate enough with you, or not looking happy with you. I’ll never have privacy again. The moment I step out my front door, people will judge me even more harshly than before. I won’t be able to hide you anymore. And the moment we came out as a couple... it would define me for the rest of my life. What if we break up? I wouldn’t be able to be seen as anything other than ‘the guy who broke Jun’s heart’ and I’d be hated even more for the rest of my life. I... couldn’t handle that.”

Tears were streaming down Jihoon’s face. Across from him, Jun remained silent, watching his ex-boyfriend finally confess all his fears. Jihoon didn’t know what would be worse: Jun standing there or Jun comforting him. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but Jun not doing anything just reminded him of how badly he’d screwed up.

Eventually, Jun reached over, wiping his tears away with a tissue before pressing another one to his nose. “Blow.” Dutifully, Jihoon did, letting Jun take care of him like a little child. Somehow, it helped him regain his composure, his tears stopping as he focused on evening out his breathing. “Feel better?” 

Jihoon nodded. “Thanks... for that. You didn’t have to.”

“No problem,” Jun said, equally as quiet. Then, “can I tell you how I felt about you leaving now?”

Didn’t he already? Jihoon thought bitterly. Still, he nodded. “Go ahead.”

Jun took a deep breath. “I don’t think you know this, but I really needed you. You leaving absolutely crushed me. You’ve always been there for me, ever since I came to Korea when I was 14. You were my support, my rock, my everything.” Jihoon held back a loud sob at that. “I could deal with the hate comments about my race or my acting ability or my personality because I knew I had people who knew who I was and would always support me. Without you... I was a mess. Jeonghan-hyung had to keep me company on off days because I couldn’t spend them with you. Xiyeon would come over at night to help me with my lines because I couldn’t bring myself to memorize them. Yes, the industry is harsh, and going public with you could have been the end of my career in Korea, but I needed you. I told you before, Jihoon, that I couldn’t bear it if you left me. So when you did leave me... it was like my whole life fell apart.”

He couldn’t hold it back anymore. Jihoon leaped off the sofa, over the coffee table, and wrapped Jun in a fierce embrace, a litany of “I’m sorry” pouring from his mouth. To his credit, Jun was only surprised for a few moments before returning the hug, burying his face in Jihoon’s shoulder.

Jihoon couldn’t help but feel like he was being unfair. Was he demanding something from Jun by hugging him? Did he feel obligated to do anything, to fix his ex-boyfriend? What was he doing, hugging someone who hadn’t given him any indication of whether or not he even wanted him back in his life?

When he went to pull away, though, Jun pulled him in tighter. “Don’t,” he murmured against Jihoon’s covered shoulder. “I haven’t had this for so long.”

Respecting Jun’s request, Jihoon sunk back into the hug, savoring every moment of it. It had been two years since he’d last hugged Jun, who’d given the best, most unique hugs in the world. If this was going to be the last hug he’d ever get from Jun, he’d better engrave it in his memory.

Finally, they pulled back from each other, although their arms were still wrapped loosely around each other. “Jihoon,” Jun murmured, taking in the man seated on his lap with a look of such adoration that his heart ached. “Still my Jihoonie.”

Jihoon’s eyes misted. What did this mean? What did Jun want?

Jun sighed, and Jihoon’s heart plummeted. “Jihoon,” the older sighed again, “you can’t let random people get to you. I know you still have your Soundcloud account, you know that people will leave hate comments for any reason. It’s no different from me, just on a larger scale. If you let them influence your life, dictate your decisions, you lose. You lose control of your own life and let complete strangers decide your every move. I know classmates called you an emotionless robot, but you’re anything but. You’re a human being. If...” Jun took a deep breath, and continued, “If we get back together... if you even want that... I need you to promise that you’d at least talk to me if you’re having these insecurities. Before I’m--I was--your boyfriend, I was your best friend. You shouldn’t be afraid of burdening me or inconveniencing me. I wanted--want--to be there for you. I want to make sure you’re happy like you wanted to make sure I was happy. If you want to get back together... can you do that for me?”

Jihoon felt like he was both ready to cry his heart out and all out of tears, but the overwhelming surge of emotion that flooded him drowned out any thoughts of tears. He nodded, solemnly at first, but then eagerly. “I promise.”

Jun’s eyes widened in shock, then sparkled. “Really?” He whispered as if he couldn’t believe it. “You still want to... You still have...?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon answered, throat tight. “I still love you, Moon Junhwi.”

Breathlessly, Jun surged forward, capturing Jihoon’s lips in a kiss. It had been too long since their last kiss and yet their bodies reacted instinctively like they’d kissed just yesterday. That familiar warmth and comfort wrapped around him like curling under a blanket in front of a fireplace, like having warm mugs of coffee and tea, like waking up curled around each other under the early morning sun.

It felt like Jihoon was alive again.

Jeonghan and Joshua both looked up when Jihoon and Jun entered the kitchen. After a few awkward pauses, Jeonghan spoke up. “So...? How’d it go?”

Jihoon met Joshua’s searching eyes, which widened after only a second. “Really?” Joshua asked, a smile threatening to break out on his face.

To his surprise, Jun nodded. “Yeah, we’re getting back together.”

Jeonghan and Joshua cheered loudly, startling the younger two. “Oh thank god!” Jeonghan exclaimed, seemingly praying to the weird stain on the ceiling that neither Joshua nor Jihoon knew the origins of. Joshua walked over and hugged both of them tightly, repeatedly saying, “I’m so happy for you two!”

Jun and Jihoon shared bemused glances. “You guys are weird,” Jihoon said finally.

Even though his face wrinkled in protest at Jihoon’s words, Jun nodded. “You’re acting like our parents, not our friends.”

“Well you didn’t see yourselves post break-up,” Jeonghan retorted. “You guys were both slowly dying. If this whole thing never happened, we would probably have to go to drastic measures to force you guys together to at least talk it out.”

Jihoon frowned. “You guys just met today.”

“So?” Joshua challenged. “What--or who, rather-- did you two think we were talking about the entire time?”

The younger two fidgeted awkwardly, catching the hint.

“But still,” the English teacher continued, his voice soft, “no matter the outcome, no matter if you guys decided to go your separate ways forever to get back together, we knew that this would be good for you. So we’re happy that you guys aren’t just cutting it off so that it stops hurting, but treating it so it can heal and become stronger.”

Jeonghan nodded. “Yeah, exactly. I became Jun’s manager after you left, Jihoon. But I know that you two had something good. It’s nice to see both of you still trying. Restores my faith in humanity, that’s for sure.” He tilted his head. “But it begs the question: what now? Jihoon, you’re still teaching here, and Jun, you’re on the way to becoming a Hollywood star. You were afraid to come out in Korea, but you both know the US is more tolerant of the LGBT community. So what are you guys going to do now?”

Jun and Jihoon shared a knowing look. “We have some plans,” Jihoon said finally. “But I know one thing for sure.”

“What?” Joshua asked.

Jihoon met his roommate’s eyes. “I’m not going to hide anymore.”