I glanced at the window beside me as I see the people who are passing by. Those memories of childhood reminded me of my grandma as she used to hold hands with me when I accompanied her to the market. I miss her. I miss her so much. I really wondered what happened to the journal that she gave me which I lost because I did not find it ever since. As I think about it again, I found it weird now because I never left it anywhere else besides the house. Strangely, I never found it there.

My grandma was my everything until I turned six. It was my 6th birthday when my world seemed to shatter into pieces of what I saw with my very own eyes. I was waiting for grandma to wake up because I told her that I won’t be blowing my candles without her. But came afternoon, and there was still no sign of her. So, I went to her room and saw her lying down on her bed. I came closer as I tried to move her back and forth so that she could wake up. I also kept on saying, ‘Grandma, wake up’ but there was no response. I kept on saying that until my voice broke and I just realized I was already crying. I kept on doing that for hours that I realized that my mom already came in from their business meeting. She saw me crying on the floor and saw grandma just lying there frozen on her bed. My mom could not speak for a second and just held the door so tightly on her back to sustain her balance. She was already crying as I saw her say, ‘Mom, don’t leave me’. I just realized what my mom said so I cried so loudly while hugging her tightly. We could see how peaceful grandma’s face was, that it looked like she had no worries at all for the past years she was living. She could be mistaken as someone who was just sleeping and just having a wonderful dream because she was half smiling.

My grandma was the last person I had opened my heart to that time. So, I told myself to hang in there. Grandma would no longer be on my side to guide me, comfort me and to stay with me. I had no longer someone who I can rely on so, I mustered up the courage to stay strong. I did my best to be independent. The only person who I talk to with my feelings now is God. I always prayed and told God to take good care of Grandma there in Heaven. Sometimes, I still talk to her in my mind, imagining that she is still with me. That is the only drive that kept me going. I learned not to rely on anybody else but still reminded myself about my grandmother’s special memories through that journal she gave me. That journal was like my grandma’s substitute. And be