Jung Ewon

It felt like I went through half of the stages of grief in the first few hours upon arriving home in Seoul after walking out of Taecyeon's hotel room in Vegas. I was in shock that Taecyeon and I could be over and wanted to deny it had happened. I was angry - at Taecyeon, Junho, the universe - and was willing to bargain anything I had to get him back. Depression and loneliness hit me upside the head like a two-by-four and left me feeling dizzy and disoriented. It didn't help matters when I tried to drown my sorrow in a bottle of booze. I woke up the Monday after the breakup wondering how soon I could expect the upward turn, the reconstruction, the acceptance that we were over, and the hope that I'd find happiness again someday.

I cried myself sick as I typed up the interview I had conducted with Taecyeon. It was embarrassing how many times I replayed the recording just so I could hear his voice. I kept checking my phone to see if he had texted me. I read every text message he ever sent me at least twice before I opened my Messenger app. I had planned to read through all of them, too, but I noticed the conversation thread was gone. My heart sank when I searched for Tyler Johnson and realized he'd deleted the one secret way he had of communicating with me.

It was then that I realized Taecyeon had made his decision. It was his way of severing all ties and moving on without me. I tried to do the same by deleting his contact information, but I wasn't strong enough yet. I equated the pain from deleting his photos and messages from my phone to losing a limb. , I thought I might recover from the physical pain quicker than the emotional.

I threw myself into my work and took every traveling assignment I could to keep my mind off of Taecyeon. At first, it didn't work. I thought about him just as much as I did when I was at home and there wasn't enough activity in the day to keep my thoughts from turning to him - wondering how he was doing and if he ever thought about me. In addition to the traveling, I turned over the fighting assignments to the new reporter Siwon had hired and refused to read any article or online report that I thought his name would even appear in. No Google searches, nothing. Taecyeon had made a clean break and I needed to do the same.

Eventually, it paid off. I stopped looking at the pictures of him on my phone and I even went complete days without thinking about him. I congratulated myself when I realized after three long months, I had finally reached the upward turn phase of my grief. I was ready to embrace the reconstruction phase and hoped it might include some up close and personal time with a guy who wanted to be with me - and not just when no one was looking.

I realized I wouldn't meet that special someone by spending all my time hiding inside my house when I was home. I stopped ignoring dinner and dancing invites and hit the city with my friends. It felt awkward the first time a stranger pressed his body against mine on the dance floor. My heart screamed that it was all wrong and only Taecyeon had the right to touch me so intimately. The hard truth was that he didn't want me enough to love me openly, so I forced myself to ignore my reservations and threw myself into the dance. I didn't leave the club with my dance floor partner, but it was a step in the right direction.

I wasn't fooled into thinking the first guy who showed interest in me would be the one I fell head-over-heels for, but I had to admit it felt good to have a man look at me with interest in his eyes, especially if it was in a crowded café in the middle of the afternoon. The date wasn't what I had hoped it would be because the guy was clearly only looking to hookup. 

I needed much more out of life than a guy who was just looking to pick up men from an app. I wanted to find a guy that I had a lot of things in common with, but someone who could also push my boundaries a little and perhaps interest me in non-sporty things like art and movies. I wanted a guy who could stimulate me both ually and intellectually. I thought just maybe I had found my opportunity when Jokwon introduced me to a colleague from his office.

"Where the hell have you been hiding him?" I demanded when tall, dark haired, and dreamy went to use the restroom. Nichkhun Horvejkul exceeded every item of my wish list for a serious boyfriend. He was educated, funny, quick-witted, and drop-dead gorgeous, but above all those things, he was out and he looked at me like I could be someone special to him.

"You weren't ready to meet Nichkhun because you were too busy getting over a guy you swore didn't exist." he pinned me with a look that said he dared me to argue with him. The dramatically arched brow reminded me of a pro-wrestler we both used to lust after when we were younger.

I was laughing hysterically at his shenanigans when I felt a light tug on my sleeve. I turned my head and looked into Park Yeeun's honey brown eyes. I jerked with surprise, which prompted a soft smile from her "Yeeun?"

"In the flesh." she smiled softly at me, which threw me for a curve. This was a woman who had once been at odds with my happiness, but you'd never have known it by looking at her that night "How are you doing?" 

"I'm...um, good. How are you?" I asked her.

"Is there somewhere we can talk in private?" she asked. There could only be one topic that we had in common and it was a place I didn't want to go "Please. It's really important." the soft plea in her voice worried me that something could be wrong with Taecyeon. No matter how things ended between us, I would never wish misery and unhappiness for Taecyeon.

"Sure." I rose from my chair and tilted my head for her to follow me. I led her to a patio off the side of the restaurant that wasn't busy that time of the year due to the cooler night air.

"How are you really, Ewon?" she asked once we were alone.

"I'm fine, really." I felt tension bunching up the muscles in the back of my neck and raised my hand to try and work them out.

"I think you're as miserable as Taec is." she held up her hand to stop me when I started to respond "He's a mess, Ewon. He's been a wreck since he broke things off with you and I'm worried for him." she blew out a soft puff of air and looked away for a few seconds as she pondered her words "People who don't know him wouldn't recognize just how on the edge he is, but I see it and so does my dad. I think Junho is the only one who thinks he's doing okay, but that's because he wants it to be so." the disdain in her voice told me she wasn't Junho's biggest fan. It was nice to know I had something in common with her after all, even though it was too late for it to count. 

"I'm not sure what you want from me, Yeeun. It's been three months since I last saw Taec...yeon. He's made no move to talk to me or get in touch with me in any way. He's made his decision and moved on with his life and I'm trying to do the same thing." then a thought occurred to me and I asked "How did you even know where to find me?"

"It was fate." she smiled like she was truly pleased to see me "I've been debating calling you for some time now, but I kept talking myself out of it. You'd been hurt enough and I didn't want to cause you any more pain." I was sure I gawked at her when she reached over and rubbed my arm comfortingly. I was getting a glimpse of the kind-hearted Yeeun that Taecyeon knew "I'm in the country for my friend's wedding and she picked this place for the two of us to have dinner before things get crazy when the rest of the bridal party shows up tomorrow. And here you are."

"And here I am." I replied.

"Ewon, he needs you. Can you please call him?"

It killed me to hear that Taecyeon was hurting so badly, but I wasn't willing to risk my heart to him again. Maybe one day far off in the future it wouldn't hurt me to see his face or hear his voice, but I wasn't there yet. If I truly wanted to move on and find happiness, then I needed to stay away from him "I can't, Yeeun. I'm sorry."

I didn't stick around to hear anything else she had to say. I returned to my dinner companions and tried my best to push the things that Yeeun said about Taecyeon out of my mind. I had thought I was further along in my healing process over our breakup, but I realized how wrong I was after a few words from Yeeun. Still, contacting Taecyeon after all the time that had lapsed would only lead to two things: misery and heartache. I decided the only chance I had for a happy future was to move on and never look back.

I was pleasantly surprised when it seemed that Jokwon hadn't noticed I wasn't as engaged in our conversation as I had been before Yeeun interrupted us. The same couldn't be said for Nichkhun "You're still getting over someone, aren't you?" he asked when Jokwon left us alone to say hello to someone he knew at the bar...and of course out of all the people in this place, it had to be the woman that was with Yeeun, who I assumed was the bride-to-be.

I was going to deny it, but then I looked into his honest eyes and couldn't do it "Busted."

"We've all been there." Nichkhun reached across the table and placed his hands over mine "I think something truly amazing could develop between us, Ewon, and I'm willing to wait for you as long as I need to."

"Nichkhun, I can't make you-"

"Any promises. I know." he smiled patiently at me "How about you agree to have dinner with me next weekend and we see where things go."

I studied him for several long moments, looking for any sign that he wasn't as sincere as he seemed. The last thing I wanted was for him to later say that I misled him when I couldn't give him what he wanted from me. I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind to attempt a relationship right then, but that didn't mean I would turn away an offer of friendship that could lead to something pure and meaningful down the road. So, I agreed to dinner.

I was a nervous wreck until I reminded myself that it was dinner between new friends, not a date. I relaxed and let my guard down a bit. In fact, he was easier to talk to than Jokwon because he didn't know my dating history. He didn't push for names and details when I told him about trying to move on from someone who was closeted and didn't show any signs of wanting to love in the open.

It wasn't exactly a unique situation, so I wasn't surprised to learn over steaks and lobster tails that he had been through a similar experience in his not too distant past. Instead of crying into our beers, we laughed at some of the predicaments we had found ourselves in. It felt good to laugh with someone who knew what I had been through.

It became quite obvious that our waitress was ready for us to move on when we lingered too long over dessert and coffee. Neither of us wanted to leave and we both were unsure of the next step. Our dallying around was cutting into her earning potential and it appeared to make her nervous. We left her a generous tip for her trouble when we couldn't delay our goodbye any longer.

"Can I call or text you while you're in Spain covering soccer?" Nichkhun asked when he walked me to my car after we left the restaurant.

"I'd like that." 

Our friendship picked up from there over the next month. We tweeted and flirted publicly via Twitter and Instagram, which was a welcome change from having to hide all the damn time. Nichkhun was on my mind a lot when I had down time and his texts or calls never failed to bring a smile to my face. We went to lunches, dinner parties, museums, and many other places together. I finally got a glimpse of what a healthy relationship looked and felt like. Yet, it was Taecyeon that came to me in my dreams.

I tried so hard to move on from him completely, but it seemed that he still owned a chunk of my heart. Regardless, I could never have what I truly wanted, so I tried to force things with Nichkhun to prove that I could be physical with someone other than Taecyeon, but it backfired. It started off okay with a sweet kiss on my couch, but I knew it wasn't right the minute his tongue touched mine. I pulled back from our kiss and just stared at him in defeat.

"It's okay that you're not ready." Nichkhun said sympathetically "There's no expiration date on pain and no guaranteed timeframe for a heart to heal." he brushed his thumb over my cheekbone comfortingly before he dropped his hands to his lap.

"Why are you so good to me?" I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.

"Because I've been there, Ewon. I want to be someone special to you someday and I'm willing to wait for you if you think there's a chance for us." his captivating dark eyes held so much promise and I wanted so badly to tell him that I was sure we had a chance, but... "Tell you what." he said, interrupting my thoughts "Let's talk when you get back from your trip. Take some time and think it over, okay?"

"I will." I promised.

I had every intention of doing just that during my ten-day trip that ended in New York. I vowed I would exorcise Taecyeon's ghosts from my heart and move on with a man who could give me the life I always wanted. Instead, I ended up crying my broken heart out to Nichkhun on the phone a few days later.

"It's so stupid to still be in love with him after everything that he put me through. I mean, I haven't known him that long, so why is he so hard to get over?" I asked Nichkhun.

"I don't think it matters how long you knew him." he said softly "My grandparents only knew each for three days before they got married in 1941. They were married for sixty-five years and died seven months apart, ten years ago." I heard the longing for that kind of love in his voice.

"You're not really helping me, Nichkhun." I said wryly "You're supposed to tell me that someone I knew for such a short time couldn't possibly be the reason I would never be happy again. You're supposed to tell me that there's someone else out there for me."

"What if there's not someone else, Ewon?" Nichkhun asked. 

My heart fell to my feet "Do you mean that you don't think I'll ever find someone else to love who will love me in return?"

"No, that's not what I meant." Nichkhun let out a soft sigh before he said "What if this guy is the one? Maybe you can't get over him because you're not meant to. Perhaps he misses you just as much and needs more time. Maybe he regrets the decision he made but is too afraid to call you." I never told Nichkhun Taecyeon's name or his profession, only that I had fallen for a closeted guy. It wasn't his fault that he didn't know the entire situation or that his words gave me false hope.

Nichkhun and I realized that a romantic relationship wasn't going to develop between us. Instead, I gained a wonderful friend who I could talk to about things that I couldn't with anyone else. In a way, it made me feel worse that I couldn't fall in love with Nichkhun.

At night, I'd often replay Nichkhun's words and wonder if he could possibly be right. Did Taecyeon miss me? And would anything change after more time passed? If not, I was well and truly ed because I had finally accepted that I would never get over Ok Taecyeon.