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It has been months since the last time I’ve been with her. Months, since we last talked. And months, since I felt the happiness that only her could make me feel.

It was hard; to let go of her and act like it wasn't a big deal. That we announced that we’ve broken up. It was painful for me, to see her and not to be able to hold her, hug her and kiss her.

I regret the times I didn't give her the attention she deserved; the time I should’ve allotted for her, just like she would for me. But mostly, I regret throwing away and ignoring the love we both have for each other.

Maybe this is the consequence of being successful. You end up being alone. The time you’re supposed to spend with the people you love were instead spent trying to be better.

“Krystal’s here.” One of the hyungs announced, probably thinking that I was asleep. We were inside the dressing room provided for EXO, while waiting for our turn to go onstage.

The name was enough to make my heart thump and skip a beat. It was the same reaction I would have, whenever I would hear her name, or catch a glimpse of her, anywhere. And it didn't even change.

“Don’t worry. Jongin’s asleep. You can come in.” I heard Minseok hyung assure her, as she’s probably hesitating whether she would come in or no. The door soon closed, followed by voices of her companions, none other than Amber and Victoria noona. I stayed on my position, not wanting to bother them nor make the situation awkward. It would be best for me to pretend that I’m asleep; this would be the nearest I could be to her, and I would have the chance to hear her voice once again.

“We just dropped by to cheer on you oppas. We also have some business earlier here, so we thought we’d drop by to say hi.” Her voice still sounded like heaven; and just hearing it made me crave for her presence again. The comfort it brings me all the time, I just want to feel it again.

And slowly, I can feel the pain in my heart again. The painful feeling of regret.

“Jongin looked tired.” I heard Victoria noona, despite her hushed tone. I didn't know who she was speaking to, but soon figured out it was Kyungsoo hyung.

“He’s been up all night, practicing the performance for today. He’s doing it a lot.” He too, was speaking in a hushed voice. Maybe something they don't intend for Krystal nor me to hear.

“Uh, excuse me, I have to take this. Minhyuk oppa’s calling.” Soon, I heard her speak once again. I was too focused on her voice that I failed to completely understand what she said.

“Minhyuk?” My ears perked up hearing Chanyeol hyung mention a familiar name.

Minhyuk? It can’t be Kang Minhyuk, right?

“Ahhh. Yeah. We’ll be meeting with Shinhye eonni today.” I could hear her chuckle, and it made my ears ring. Everyone knew how jealous I could be of Kang Minhyuk, after their stint with The Heirs. He was nice, but I still don't like the fact he was paired up with her and there were fans shipping them together.

But I’ve got no rights anymore to be jealous. She could do whatever she liked now; go out with her friends without thinking about me. She’s a free woman, and I’m just her pathetic ex boyfriend.

“That’s my cue oppa. I have to leave. I guess Minhyuk oppa’s waiting already. I gotta go.” She said another round of goodbyes, same as her companions and the room was soon left in silence.

I couldn't hold it in anymore; a loud and frustrated sigh escaped my lips; something my members heard. And I was busted.

“Sorry, Jongin. I thought you were really asleep.” Chanyeol hyung threw me an apologetic look, from the dresser he was sitting on.

“There's nothing to apologize hyung. She can meet whoever she wants to.” I grudgingly answered, getting up from the couch to head to the bathroom. I stood there, in front of the mirror, just watching my reflection. I’m still the same Kim Jongin my friends knew.

But all I could see was a pair of dull eyes; lonely, empty; nothing. I stood there, soulless.

Krystal was my life; the air I breathe; my everything. But I let her slip away so easily.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ 
 

“Jongin, aren't you coming with us?” The other hyungs were all set to leave. But I was still slumped on the floor, catching my breath, my clothes still drenched with sweat. The practice already ended half an hour ago, but it hasn't for me.

“We're heading out for meat. You have to join us.” Baekhyun hyung urged me, stopping by the door. They were all looking at me with anticipating eyes, hopeful that I wouldn't decline their offer.

It has been a few weeks since I last joined them for any types of gathering; or just simply hanging out with them. I would rather be alone and by myself than go out; even if I was with them.

“Maybe next time hyung. I’ll just stay here for a bit.” And that ‘bit’, we all knew would last for hours. They all nodded their heads in understanding, choosing not to force me anymore. They all knew I’m slowly coming back to the wrecked Jongin, after the dressing room incident. And articles of Krystal and Minhyuk being together rounding up the internet, only added fuel to the fire.

I was fuming mad, but I couldn't show it. I couldn't blame Krystal for wanting to enjoy and distract herself. She was hurt; probably broken a hundred times more than I was. And I was the reason for that pain. I definitely don't have any rights to stop her from being happy.

I stayed there, contemplating about my life and what happened. Flashback of the months we’ve been together in my head; playing non stop, as if taunting me. Her laughter, her smile, her voice; they’re still etched in my head. And there's no way I can erase them.

“Damn you, Jongin.” I muttered to myself angrily, my clenched fists hitting the floor out of frustration. As much as I want to get her out of my head, I can’t.

I can't find the strength to do so.

Despite what happened, she’s still the reason why I’m pushing through my life. She’s still that one person who keeps me sane and grounded.

I stood up, let the loud music play again and danced my heart out. It was my own way of expressing my feelings; venting out my anger and frustration. I pushed away the thought of feeling tired, and instead focused on dancing along the beat of the music.

Our managers would probably scold me by tomorrow, but I don't give a damn. It’s better to burn myself out than to think about her all night. It would be pure torture.

Minutes, hours passed by. I seriously have no any idea. The music stopped on it’s own, making me scowl. I know it’s already late, and only a few people were left in the building. But none of them would even dare stop me nor interrupt me when I’m practicing. Not even my hyungs would dare make fun of me.

“What are you still doing here at this hour?” My blood froze as soon as I heard that familiar voice. My body, having it's mind of it’s own, turned around to finally meet her.

Our eyes met for the first time again, after so long. I thought I was only hallucinating, imagining, but there she was, standing by the sound system station. She stood there, looking at me with a serious face, her eyes cold and hard.

It hit me. The warm Krystal I knew wasn't there anymore.

“Soojung.” Was all I could say. Her presence alone rendered me speechless.

“You have a flight to catch tomorrow morning. You can't tire yourself out, dancing all night. You should go home.” Her voice was firm, and I could tell she’s dead serious with how she scolded me.

She still cared for me. Just like how I still do for her. She wouldn't just barge inside our practice room if she didn't, right? And I know her. She wouldn't scold me if she doesn't care about me anymore.

That’s the Krystal I loved.

Maybe, we still got that chance.

“Sorry. I forgot.” I muttered, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck. We just stood there, looking at each other, neither of us moving an inch.

I wanted to savor that moment; it's been a long time since I’ve seen her up close and be alone inside a room with her. And I missed her, so bad.

“I’ll be going then.” She turned her back on me, and the night she broke up with me flashed back in my head. It was almost the same, her leaving me in the middle of the street, late at night, after she poured her heart out to me. The pain she endured while being with me. She was in tears, and the memory alone was enough to break my heart again.

That painful evening.

She turned her back on me, and walked away from my life. Just like what she was doing now.

It’s now or never Jongin.

A part of me urged me to stop her. Maybe, if I did, we wouldn't be in this position.

You can't make the same mistake again. Go, run after her.

“Soojung. Wait.” I sprinted after her, gently grabbing her by her arm before she could even step out from the door. I could tell she was startled, surprised, that I ran after her and stopped her.

Because I didn't, that night when she left me. I didn't have the courage to do so.

“Baby. Soojung, can we talk?” I breathed out, pleadingly as I look at her with hopeful eyes. I probably looked hilarious, but I didn't care.

“You’re months late for that Jongin.” She blankly stared at me, her eyes empty of any emotions. I couldn't read her anymore.

And it startled me. I used to easily read through her words, her actions and her stare. But I couldn't do it anymore.

“Please. Just this once. Hear me out.” I begged, looking at my hand that’s on her arm. I could feel her warmth against her sweater, and it was enough to calm me down. But being that close to her, my heart was thumping hard.

“There's nothing else to talk about Jongin. I’m sorry.” She gently shook my hand off her arm, giving me a pained look before rushing out of the door.

I couldn't do anything. I was left there, staring at the same spot she was standing at earlier.

For the second time, Jung Soojung walked out of my life.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~
 

“Here’s your dressing room.” Our manager hyung lead us to the dressing room we’ll be using for the SMTown Concert in Japan. Staffs and crews were all around the place, making sure that everyone was attended to, and everything will be perfect for the show later on.

“You can rest for a bit. We’ll call you when it’s your turn for rehearsal.” Our manager reminded us and left the room. The 9 remaining members of EXO were all present, and will be participating for the Japan leg of the SMTown Concert.

“I’ll just walk around hyung. Get some fresh air and stuff.” I told Joonmyeon hyung and grabbed my phone and earphones before leaving the room. I didn't wait for his response anymore, whether he permitted me or not, and went on my way.

I needed to clear my head. And I needed to prepare myself, mentally and emotionally. We’ll be standing on one stage later one; and I would need to control myself. I can’t show any other emotions except from being happy, or else our fans would take notice of it. I don't want to create another controversy.

My feet brought me to the dugout. A few staff were there, passing by, probably heading to the other dressing rooms or to the backstage. But I couldn't care more, I just needed to be alone.

A few more minutes and the concert ground welcomed me. The area was empty, the chairs for the concert goers all perfectly lined up. I occupied one, and plugged my earphones in, the music blocking the world behind me as it played loudly.

Standing in the same stage as hers, from being lovers now to total strangers. How I would manage to bear doing that, I have no idea. And it made me envy Baekhyun hyung; he could look at Taeyeon noona’s eyes without wavering. He could act casual in front of her; but why can’t I?

Maybe because you still love her and you know you want to get back with her so bad?

Another sigh escaped my lips, as I slouched against the seat. Maybe I should’ve pretended that I sprained my ankle and stayed in Korea than be stuck here, thinking of what I’d do later tonight.

“What the hell?!” I yelped as I felt someone yank away the earphones from my ears. I was prepared to scowl at whoever it was but was met with Taemin’s warm smile.

“Why are you here all alone?” He asked, occupying the seat next to me. I shook my head as an answer, and stuffed my earphones back in my pocket. They won't be of use, especially with Taemin around.

“Room’s too crowded. I just wanted to have some fresh air.” I reasoned out, comfortably slouched against the seat.

“Krystal told me. What were you going to tell her?” I sighed inwardly. I should’ve known it. Of course Soojung would tell him. Lee Taemin will always be our middle man; he’s my best friend. And same goes for her too.

I glanced at Taemin; he was looking at me with curious eyes, obviously awaiting my answer. An answer even myself I can't figure out.

What was I supposed to tell her that night?

That you love her still and would like to get back with her?

That you’re an , for causing her pain?

“I don't know.” I sighed once again, my head hanging low as my eyes diverted towards the stage in front of us. “I just wanted to see her. Talk to her, again.” I added sincerely.

I miss her. I miss those times with her.

“She’s still hurting, you know. She’s avoiding you because the wounds are still fresh.” Taemin started; and it wasn't all new to me. I know she was still in pain.

“And all I wanna do is take that pain away.” The words came out naturally from my lips.

“Don't you think you’re too late for that?” He questioned me, searching my face.

I shook my head, running a hand through my hair; messing it up out of frustration. I honestly had no idea. Was it too late now? Won't she take me back anymore?

Does she love me still?

“I know I’ve been an and all. But, this is driving me crazy already. It’s all coming back to me. I miss her like crazy.” Another frustrated sigh escaped my lips; my hands crazily ruffling my hair.

I’ve never felt that agitated before; even when we just broke up. But knowing she’s still in pain, it’s making me feel like hell even more. And it’s worse than knowing she’s going out with someone else.

“You can't blame her for avoiding you, Jongin. She was hurt; and still hurting. We all know what she’s been through. Give her some time.” He placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze before getting up on his feet. I chose not to respond; I’ve got nothing else to say.

He was right. I couldn't blame her. It was all my fault. And maybe, this is the price I have to pay.

Lose her.

But I still love her. Wouldn't that be enough reason for us to work it out? To try once again?

Does she love you still?

A part of my brain asked myself. The confidence I had before was nowhere now, hearing Taemin’s words earlier. Has she finally moved on and forgot about me?

The idea made my heart ache. I don't think I can bear looking at Krystal with another man. Let alone imagine it. It was enough to make me crazy.

Do you have a choice?

I guess I’m really going crazy now. I’m talking to myself inside my head.

I’m crazy. Crazy for Jung Soojung.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ 

It was hard to avoid her during the joint stage of SMTown artists. I had to be very cautious of everything and everyone, just to make sure I wouldn't look or go to where she was. It’s not a secret that our fans have eagle eyes; they tend to see everything. And I couldn't be any more grateful to my hyungs who never left my side. They probably know all about my internal conflicts.

And finally, the concert