(this is the longest chapter i've writen so far.)

•°•ENDING•°•

Lisa's POV

I was getting a glass of water when all of a sudden, I felt nervous. My heart stopped beating. It feels heavy.

And this caused me to accidentally let go of the glass until it reached the cold tiled floor and shattered into pieces.

What was that?

Why do I suddenly feel so nervous?

I tried to shrug it off and cleaned the broken pieces of the glass.

I sat in the sofa here in Chaeng’s hospital room and thought about things.

Did I choose the right girl?

Or did I make another dumb choice?

I didn't contact Jennie after calling her earlier this morning because I know she's hurt. So I gave her time.

Argh! I hate myself.

I miss her.

I was so close to saying the truth to Chaeng earlier but she was suddenly rushed in the ICU.

If only I hadn't accepted to be her girlfriend in the first place, then it wouldn't be that complicated now.

I stopped my train of thought when I suddenly heard my phone ringing.

I took it from my pocket to see who the caller was.

Holy .

It's Jennie.

I suddenly felt nervous and happy.

I accepted the call.

“Hello, Jennie?”

“Hello?”

Wait.

This is definitely not her voice.

It's a guy's voice.

“Who are you? And why do you have her phone?”

“Do you know Miss Jennie Kim?” He ignored my questions.

“Yes.” I flatly answered as anxiety started creeping on me.

“Well, Miss Kim got into an accident and she is in the hospital right now. You're the last registered number who called her so we decided to contact you.”

His words are ringing inside my head.

I freeze on my spot as my palms starts to get sweaty.

My heart is starting to beat really fast.

“A-Accident? What accident? Is she okay? How is she?” I bombarded the guy with questions.

“A car accident. And to tell you the truth miss, her condition isn't that good. It's better for you to come here fast.”

“Okay. Please send me the location.” I immediately hang up and grabbed my keys with my shaking hands.

This can't be.

She's okay.

She'll be fine.

Before I knew it, tears are already streaming down my cheeks.

I got in the said hospital.

I heard from the staff that she got into a car crash with a truck driver who was high on drugs.

She's now in the operating room fighting for her life.

Almost an hour has passed, when I saw the operating room door open.

I stood up to talk to the doctor.

“H-How is she?” My lips are trembling.

The doctor removed his face mask that covered his mouth.

“I'm sorry.

We did our best.

But she's now gone.”

No.

No.

No.

This can't be.

“You're joking right? Ha. Ha. Ha.” I chuckled as grieving tears rolled down my cheeks.

“I'm really sorry. The patient is now dead. She lost too much blood. And the impact from the crash hit her head hard, so even if she did survive, she'd probably have serious head trauma or worst, she could be braindead.”

My knees felt weak. They gave up and I knelt on the floor.

Is this a dream?

Can someone wake me up from this horrible nightmare?

I cried really loud, as if I hadn't cried that much since yesterday.

“Jennie!!” I screamed her name, hoping that she'd hear me and then wake up.

“Jennie!!” I yelled once more, hoping I'd be the one to wake up.

I felt some people trying to help me get up, but my knees are so weak that I keep on falling every time.

Is this really the end?

Did I really save someone?

Or did I just kill someone?

Someone I love.

, this hurts.

**

It's been days since she died.

It's been days since I started wasting myself by drowning myself in alcohol.

I didn't talk to anyone.

Her funeral is later today.

Should I show up?

Do I have the right to show up?

I killed her.

If only I had chosen her.

If only I had stayed with her.

If only I hadn’t approached her years ago.

If only I didn't exist.

Despite of being wasted, I managed to get myself dressed for her funeral.

There I saw her grieving friends and family.

I distanced myself.

Because I feel guilty.

If only I hadn't shown up in her life...

Then this precious human being would still be alive and well.

But because of me, she's now gone.

I was walking away when I heard someone call me.

“Lisa?”

I turned around and saw Jennie's mom, still grieving from her daughter's sudden death.

“Lisa is that you..?”

I nodded.

“Y-Yes auntie..”

“This,” she grabbed an envelope out of her bag and handed it to me.

“I found this in my daughter's apartment. It has your name so I didn't open it and decided to give it to you.”

The envelope has my name written on it.

This familiar feminine handwriting that belongs to her.

“I'm sorry, auntie.” Is all I could say before I had another breakdown.

She just patted my shoulder as tears rolled down her cheeks too.

“It's okay, darling. We love her and she loves us. That's all we need to know.”

With those words, I hugged Jennie's mom tight, while keep on saying sorry.

She pulled out from the hug and gave me a sad smile. She patted the my back and left.

I sighed.

I decided not to open the letter yet and walked out.

As I walked to where my car was parked, I felt a hand touch my shoulder.

I turned around and I was greeted by a punch which made me stumble and fall on the ground.

“ you!” I looked up and saw Jisoo with burning eyes.

She grabbed my collar and punched me aggressively.

“You bastard! You should be the one laying inside that coffin, not her! You should be the one who died and not her!” She repeatedly said while beating me up.

I didn't fight back. I just lay there and let her beat me to death.

I didn't even flinch even though her punches really hurt.

Because she's right.

I deserve to die.

“ you and your selfishness! Do you even know how much she cried every single damn night because of you?!! You !”

Her punches didn't hurt anymore.

I feel numb.

“You should die!!!” She exclaimed then suddenly stopped.

“No. Dying would be in your favor. You should suffer alone. Live with guilt and die with guilt. I hope you have conscience to feel at least a little bit sorry for what you did to her, because this is all your ing fault.” Her bloodshot eyes pierced through my lifeless soul.

I coughed blood.

Mixture of blood, sweat and tears is what I feel on my face.

I didn't complain.

Jisoo sat beside me and started to cry too.

“If only I had confessed to her before she she could even meet a jerk like you, then maybe she'd still be alive. If only I hadn't been a coward back then.. If only…” her cries started to get louder as she repeated her own ‘if only’s.

I don't understand anything she says, but she made one thing clear.

I deserve to suffer alone.

She's right.

For the past few days I've been thinking and attempting to end my life.

I went on a bridge the other night after drinking too much and stood at the railings but unfortunately, someone stopped me.

I would even thank the gods if they decided to end my life right here, right now.

But dying will be easy for me.

I should live with this guilt forever and suffer alone.

“Do you know how lucky you are? Jennie Kim. A Jennie freaking Kim loved you. But you treated her like what? Like garbage? You kept her hidden as if you were disgusted with your relationship and didn't want people to see it. If I were you, I would've screamed to the world how much I loved her, no matter who I was going to hurt just to brag it to everyone, because she didn't deserve to be hidden. She deserved to know how much love she actually deserved. But you're an so you took her for granted.”

“Believe me I wanted to…” I said with my trembling lips.

“But you didn't. Say, did you really even love her?”

“I did. I loved her.” I said in a low voice.

“But your love wasn't enough. She said to me one time that every time she saw you with your pretend girlfriend, she felt like she had being stabbed directly in the heart. All you caused her is pain. And now she's gone. Because of you. Wow. Your love is really something, eh?” She stood up and fixed herself then walked out, while I'm on the floor thinking of everything she said.

She's right.

All I caused her is pain.

I'm so ing selfish.

And she's so selfless.

I hate myself.

Can someone just run over me right now?

Or stab me?

Or shoot me?

Or anything that will make me stop breathing?

Because this pain I'm feeling right now is worse than dying