Secret Love

‘I love you’ she said..

When everything was still fine.

When everything was still normal.

When she could still say it without restrictions.

‘I love you but…’ is now what she says to me.

I understand why.

I need to understand why.

But until when?

Our relationship is full of love, yet full of buts.

Full of secrecy.

************

“Baby, I love you.” She said softly while my hair, our bodies and tangled with each other after long night of making love.

“I love you too, but how long would we hide this relationship?”

Because I'm tired.

I'm ing tired, Lisa.

I want to convince myself that this is the right thing to do.

I want convince myself that your reason for hiding our relationship is for the best.

But no matter how I look into it, the more I see its flaws.

This secret relationship is full of flaws.

That sometimes I'm getting really tired and tempted to end it.

But I don't.

I don't because that's how much I love you.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry you got dragged into this mess. You don't deserve this. I don't deserve you.” She said as tears kept flowing down her cheeks.

“I'm tired of this too, Jen. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid to hurt her.”

“So you'll hurt me instead?” I said. Tears are clogging my throat.

She's selfish.

She saves someone from a heartbreak by tearing my heart into pieces.

But I'm more selfish.

Because I should understand why, but I just can't.

“You know my reason, right? Baby, please stay a little more.. Please.”

I couldn't hold it anymore. I cried.

This scenario is totally familiar to me.

We make love the whole night then cry morning after.

It tires me.

But I love her.

“Yes. I'll wait for you. I'll wait for the day we won't have to hide our love anymore. I promise you that.” I said while wiping her tears. I kissed her damped eyes then her lips that tasted salty due to her tears.

“I love you, but we need to hide this relationship a little more.”

“Yeah..” That's the only thing I could answer.

“Do you wanna visit her later?”

Should I?

For what?

To hurt myself?

“Sure.”

Damn.

***

“Hi Chipmunk!” Lisa said as she open the door.

The smell of various medicines and the sound of medical machinery greeted us.

This plain white room is where she stays.

“Babe! Unnie!” The girl said with a low yet cheery tone.

“Hi Chaeng. How are you?” I said.

I love this girl. I love this girl so much that every time I see Lisa being sweet to her, a pang of guilt would hit me.

“Good. The new nurse injected me earlier and it hurts. She's not yet that good at injecting patients.”

“Awwe. My poor little Chipmunk.” Lisa said cutely then kissed her on the lips.

I looked away.

I looked away so I  won't feel guilty.

I looked away so I could save myself from pain.

“Yah. I told you not to call me Chipmunk.” Chaeng