After that incident had happened in the practice room, the thing I was afraid came true, we became totally awkward around each other. Youngmin hyung became more introverted. He gave me a cold shoulder. He really behaved as if nothing happened....no he lived his life as if I didn’t exist. He didn’t listen to my problems anymore and he ate alone without me. He just told me the most necessary things and that was all. I thought about him and our relationship a lot. It wasn’t only his fault, I also became shy around him and didn’t dare to look him in the eyes anymore. When he spoke to me I looked at his lips, but it wasn’t a good idea at all, because it made me curious. I wondered whether they really tasted like dark chocolate. What does it feel like to love by a man? What does kissing and having feel like? Does it feel better doing with a boy than a girl? I couldn’t help thinking about things like these. Sometimes I thought I would go crazy, but he, that „lives in his own world boy” looked calm....too calm.

            He worked as hard as usual. I couldn’t believe my eyes how could he focus. I was looking at him talking with our stylist about clothes we would wear on the concert when suddenly one of my dancer hyung sat down next to me. „Are you ok? You look worried...” He put his hand on my shoulder. „Is something wrong?” His touch didn’t feel as good as Youngmin’s so I changed posture and his hand slipped off my arm. „Uhmm...nothing...that is to say...have you ever been in love?” I asked shyly. „Ohhh...I see you have feelings for someone!” He said it loudly giving me a slap on the back. „It’s not that!” I whined. I felt like everybody was looking at us so I was so embarrased. Well maybe not everyone stared at us, but surely one person glanced at us. His eyes narrowed, and he clenched his jaw. „So who is that lucky girl that stole your heart?” dancer hyung looked at me unblinking. He was like a big baby in front of the candy shop. „I have already said it, hyung.....It’s not like that.” He must be disappointed in my answer, because his expression changed serious. „Ohhhh...so you still didn’t tell her.....” I just nodded. „Well platonic love is a tough stuff. Let’ say it’s .” He laughed rubbing his nape. „Usually I have this kind of loves because...well just look at me.” he tried to look funny but his eyes were sad. „But I think in your case it can’t be a problem.” He cupped my face with his hand and make me turn my head right to left. „Sure...nobody can resist your handsomeness. You are charming even if man sees you.” He stated. „Than just one thing left...she has a boyfriend.” He said it wholeheartedly. I glanced at Youngmin hyung who seemed upset, he gripped his bag and rushed out of the room. „Uhhh...well...it’s more difficult....” I answered. I didn’t know how could I talk about my case. „Look....if you really love her, time will solve everything. Just don’t give up on her.” he told me patting my back, then went back to the other dancers. I knew he wanted to help, but his advice was useless to me. I thought time would never solve my case, because there were things that would never change.

*

                 After practice I couldn’t find hyung anywhere so I asked our manager to tell me where he was. He said Youngmin had to go somewhere, so I didn’t worry. I thought of staying for one more hour to practice singing. Why? If I had gone home, nobody would have been there.

                    I was choosing the songs, when Hanhae sunbae entered into my room suddenly. „Hyung?!....What are you doing here?” I was surprised that he was still there. It was almost 22 p.m. „Donghyun I have to talk to you about Youngmin.” He seemed worried. „What happend to him? I need to know.” I begged hyung to tell me. „He totally scared me today. During your dance practice I saw him punching the wall.” he gabbled. „What?!” I became anxious. „...and how is he now?!” I panicked. „I don’t know your manager took him away. But in my experience....the wall always wins.” He said. I needed to see him, but when I was about to leave to look for Youngmin, Hanhae hyung stopped me grabbing my arm and told me: „Just give me five minutes then I will let you go.” I nodded. „Please think twice before you do a stupid thing. I know you’re attracted to each other.” When I looked at him suprisedly, he added: You can’t hide it. Your chemistry shows than you’re more than just simple friends. So it’s natural that you’re curious, but maybe you should try things with somebody you don’t know before start a relationship with him. I know some people who can help you decide that you’re gay or not.” I just blinked. „Just think what would happen if you broke up. Maybe he would hit you or worse. ” he said. „No...he isn’t like this. He’s a kind person.” I denied his allegation. „I thought of him just like you until today. You didn’t see how mad he was...well I have to go now.... just please won’t do anything rashly and if you need help, I’m here for you.” he said goodbye, but before he left he hugged me brotherly. I knew he just wanted to protect me. He was always like an elder brother to me and he usually gave good advices, but I thought he wasn’t right now. Hyung would never hurt me.

                  After I had left the building, I got to know that Youngmin was already at home. So I rushed there. When I entered into the dorm our manager welcomed me. „Is his hand okay?” I asked without greeting. „How do you know about it?” He looked questioningly at me. „Hanhae hyung saw everything....so....Why didn’t you tell me?” I was resentful. „Well...we didn’t want you to worry. Fortunately it didn’t break but it need rest so he has to wear bandage for a while .....” I didn’t wait for him to finish his answer. „I will talk to him.” I just wanted to see him. „Okay...I will be in the other room if you need me.” Our manager said.

                    When I got our room, I stood by the door and just looked at hyung. He was so cute as he tried to take of his T- shirt with one hand. I can’t help smiling. „Can I help you?” I asked and grabbed his clothe, but he pushed me away roughly with his unhurt hand. I paralyzed he was never such rude to me. Maybe Hanhae hyung was right. He changed. I was about to react his previous action, but when I opened my mouth, he stopped me. „It’s not your business.” he stated firmly. „What?!......This’s mine as much as it’s yours. Don’t forget we’re in the same group. Despite you do thing as if you were a solo artist, I still care about you.” I said in a trembling voice. „No....no.” he shook his head. „You are wrong. I always work because of I want we, together become succesful as a duo.” he looked into my eyes sadly. I felt guilty. Maybe I went too far. „Then why don’t you talk to me? Why do you hide behind closed doors and ridiculous excuses? Why don’t you tell me the reason of you anger? I would like to be part of the world you built to yourself.” My voice was softer and calmer than before. „Do you know how ing unfair you are now?! You expect me to tell you everything about me, but you also don’t talk about your feelings. How come you didn’t tell me a word about you love someone.” He looked hurt and angry at the same time. At this point I realized what his real problem was. Why he behaved like this. I was scared how deep his feelings for me were. Hanhae hyung’s words came to my mind. My responsibility was so huge, our future was in my hands. It wasn’t a childish game anymore. I never believed in love that lasts forever. What if I’m just curious? What if we break up, how shall we overstep it. How will Youngmin hyung react?” What if our families get to know it, what will they think about us? I had a lot of thoughts like these in my mind. I was really scared. On the one hand I would liked to pull him close to me and hug him, but on the other hand I wanted to push him away as far as I could. „As you said....It’s not your business.....We just work together....nothing more. Ahh...and sorry I just wanted to be nice to you, but it seems you don’t want it.” I said firmly I was about to leave the room when he grabbed my arm. „You told him too....” he said bitterly. I didn’t understand anything. „So for you....I’m not on the same level as a simple background dancer. You’re closer to him too than me.” he tightened his grip on my arm. I shut my eyes. I thought he would hit me. „Are you afraid of me?” He asked and I hesitated. I didn’t know what I should have said. „Donghyun...I would never hurt you.....Why can’t you trust in me?...You tell me to talk about myself but you aren’t able to look at me. You’re the one who closes yourself off not me.................Sorry, I won’t bother you anymore...” he let my hand go. When I opened my eyes he showed his back towards me. I know I should have said something, but I couldn’t. He was right. There were things I wasn’t able to tell him then and I couldn’t admit for myself too.

                Thinking back to those times, they were the worst of my life. You know it’s so hard to be a human being. We have too much unnecessary thoughts and feelings. Maybe my next life I should be reborn as an animal. I would be a chipmunk (I’m already similar to one) and Youngmin hyung would be a real alpaca. We just need some food and we would live happily and freely.

Bonus Pics