A/N - Okay so here's the story.  Hope you guys like it ^_^ How was everyone's Thanksgiving (if you're from America).  I hope everyone stays safe this holiday season and thanks for reading!  And pretty, PRETTY please leave comments.  They make me happy and will hopefully get rid of this annoying writer's block that I have right now ><

Hyukjae pretends that Donghae is sleeping because he knows that when you are asleep, nothing can hurt you.  You feel no pain; the troubles of that day disappear.  You are untouchable, wrapped up in a sheet of bliss and free to do whatever you want.  Never having to worry about getting hurt. You are the happiest when you're asleep, so he deems it fit that the other was sleeping, because all he ever wanted was for Donghae to be happy.

His friends say that he was just fantasizing, "pretending" or so they called it, and that Donghae wasn't really sleeping.  They tried to convince him, tried to get him to see his wishful thinking.  Begged him, even, to stop acting like nothing was wrong, when everyone knew it was just a matter of time before he snapped.  They feared the day that his bubble would burst and he would be left to break down because the longer he kept the feelings suppressed, the bigger, and more destructive, the explosion would be.  He didn’t listen though because he figured that if thinking that the other was sleeping was called "pretending" then he would rather pretend for the rest of his life, then to live in the wake of the truth.

So he goes right on pretending.  And he soon realizes that he has to pretend about a lot of things.  He pretends that his world isn't broken, that black and white are the new colors of the rainbow, that everything is okay and that he himself is not cracked and at his breaking point.  He pretends that everything bad that has happened to him was all just a dream, sealing himself behind a wall that separates the agonizing truth from his painless utopia. The only thing about pretending though, is that when reality finally catches up to you, it is all the more harder to let go.

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

He is able to pretend for a good 6 months before his friends send him to a professional. Hyukjae and the man would sit for hours and do nothing but talk, all the while the guy would take notes on their conversations and ask questions every now and then to keep him talking.  They would talk about everything and anything, but never about him or the incident because somehow the guy seemed to understand that that was one thing he wasn't ready to talk about. 

Instead the man just spent a lot of time trying to get Hyukjae to understand that the world he thought he was living in wasn't really the world that everyone else was living in.  Dr. Lee Sungmin, the doctor that was over seeing Hyukjae's treatment, was someone who liked to always be right.   He liked knowing that he had truly helped someone overcome traumatic events in their life and knowing that he was one of the reasons they were able to overcome it.  So he was truly perplexed when confronted with someone who seemed perfectly normal but liked, almost loved, not living in reality.  He was frustrated with himself for not being able to help Hyukjae move on and was just about to give up when they had a major breakthrough. 

It happened when he asked Hyukjae why he liked to pretend.  All he got in response was something mumbled very quietly.  Although he could barely hear it, he knew enough from the tone, that he had opened the floodgates that would lead to his patient's closure.  Those seven words were one of the most honest things Hyukjae had said to him, and as he jotted them down, he knew that this would be a turning point for the boy with red hair.

"I don't like it, I NEED it." 

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

Hyukjae comforts himself with the knowledge that Hae can't feel pain anymore.  At least his mind is clear enough to be grateful that he was the one who lived and not died. He knows first hand how painful it is to lose the one person who mattered most and he loved Hae too much to put him through that. It is one of the ONLY times he is EVER grateful that he was gone and every time that thought crosses his mind, he thanks God that Hae is somewhere where he would never have to experience that kind of pain.

He doesn't like to think about what happened.  If he could, he would take an eraser and get rid of it all.  He likes to think that he would erase EVERYTHING, everything that had to do with him.  He always wanted to make a clean break.  But even he knows he's not that strong.  Because getting rid of him would be like getting rid of the sun.  Getting rid of him would mean never knowing what the true meaning of happiness was, and Hyukjae was selfish.  He knew that he would never be able to give him up, even in his memories.  So he settles for keeping them, locking them up in the back of his mind, only to be retrieved in times when he couldn't handle the pain anymore.

He does everything he can to avoid the thought of him.  After the funeral he made a promise to himself not to cry anymore.  So he gathers all of his things, gets a box from the local storage place, and pushes them into the back of his closet.  He packs clothes and jewelry and stuffed animals and photos.  Thousands and thousands of photos.  At first he wanted to burn them, because they always seemed to mock him.  Perfect replicas of his fishy, smiling at him, cutting into his heart with the fact that he would never see that smile in person ever again.  But he doesn't, because his friends won't let him.  And he guesses that it's for the best.  Because sometimes, when he really needs to, he pulls them out and looks at them. Traveling beyond his safety point and remembering EVERYTHING.

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

He remembers that day, the day his life ended.  It started out sunny and they were heading to the beach, like they did almost every weekend.  All their friends were piled into their cars and everyone was all smiles and laughter.  The water was beautiful and he couldn't remember ever being any happier. 

They barbequed and played horseshoes and walked down the beach holding hands.  They stayed until the late afternoon, after everyone else had left, watching the sunset paint the horizon in shades of orange and pink and lilac.  The light was just perfect and the image of Donghae sitting beside him in the sand took his breath away. 

"I love you." He said quietly, reaching out for his hand.

"I love you, too." His eyes met with Hyukjae's and he found his lips curling into a smile.

The rest of the time was spent in a comfortable silence as the sun finally sunk below the horizon and the stars came out one by one.

He didn't really remember much of the car ride home except that it started to rain halfway through.  Donghae was talking on the phone with Leeteuk, already trying to plan their next outing and the radio was turned down low.  The heat from the radiator gave the car a comfortable homey feeling and he could smell the faintest trace of Donghae's after-shave.  He let his mind wander as they traveled along the winding road that they each knew like the back of their hands.  It was pretty late out and they were the only ones on the road. 

This is where his memory always went blank.  The next thing he could remember was hearing a gut wrenching scream and the sound of screeching tires on wet pavement filling the car as the world started spinning around, faster and faster and faster.  Things were flying everywhere and the windows had cracked, a piece of it digging into his arm as he hit his head on the dashboard.  The rain was beating down harder than before and all of a sudden he felt weightless.  It ended as soon as it started and then he felt himself colliding with the road.

Then, everything went black.

When he woke up a while later he found that he was still on the road.  The rain was pouring down harder and he vaguely registered the chill that was running through him.  He didn't register the pain at first.  The only thing he could really think of was that it was really quite. The whole time there had been an endless torrent of noise filling his ears and he had to shut his eyes against the rising headache in his head.  But now, it was quite; really, REALLY quite.  He had never heard silence quite so loud. The stars had all come out by then, and out in the country, away from all the lights in the city, you could see every single one of them. He had this feeling in the back of his head though that they was something much more important than the star at that moment and it felt like forever, although in reality it was only a few seconds, before he figured it out.

Most people would've called the police as soon as they did a health check and had made sure that they were all in one piece.  Later, he would say that it had totally slipped his mind and that was understandable.  It is understandable to forsake your own safety to look for the one you love.

He had landed on his back when he was flung from the car and so with great effort he was able to roll onto his side.  His right arm was bent at a sickening angle and although he felt no pain due to the adrenaline, he knew that it was broken.  When he tried to stand, he was bombarded with pain but he pushed through and was able to crawl the few yards to where the wreckage lay.  He dug around searching for Donghae and tried to call out his name.  All that came out though was gurgled cries that ended with him spitting out blood.  His throat was hoarse and his whole body was slowly being filled with panic.

While he was searching the debris that was scattered on the road, he came across his cell phone and it finally dawned on him that he should call for help.  He grabbed it and tried to keep it as dry as he could while he continued to look for his missing boyfriend. 

When he finally found him, he was soaked to the bone and was bleeding quite a lot.  The adrenaline was wearing off and he could feel the pain coursing through his veins.   Donghae was lying face down in a pool of his own blood and his chest was rising rapidly.

"Hae!  Are you okay?!"  He hardly recognized his own voice.  It was so shrill and taught and he was so scared that he didn't know what to do with himself. 

"Hyukkie . . . ?"  Donghae turned his head and tried to sit up.

By that time Hyukjae was by his side and Donghae was able to push up off the ground.

"Are you alright?!"  He asked as he pulled Donghae into his arms.  He hadn't realized until then that he was shaking and he sighed in relief when he felt a pair of arms embrace him back.

"I'm fine.  My chest hurts a little but I'll be fine.  Did you call for help yet?"  He sighed into Hyukjae's neck.

"Not yet.  I was looking for you."

"Pabo. "

He remembered laughing and thinking that the worst was over.  He was about to pull his phone out of his pocket and dial 911 when bright lights flashed across the wet road and a siren pierced the silent of the night.

Turns out Leeteuk freaked after hearing Donghae's screams and the sound of the car crashing against the railing on the road.  He called 911 and they used the GPS system programmed into Hyukjae and Donghae's phone to figure out where they were. 

An ambulance arrived on the scene right after Hyukkie found Donghae and they were both rushed to Seoul Hospital's Intensive Care Unit.  Hyukjae only needed stitches on his arm and forehead, a cast for his arm, and rest to help with the mild concussion he had suffered when he hit his head after being thrown from the car.

The same couldn't be said for Donghae.  His body had been crushed when his side of the car hit the railing and he had broken his  arm, leg, and 3 ribs (one of which had punctured his lung causing his chest pain).  He had also suffered a pretty bad head injury and multiple cut wounds.  He was rushed in and out of surgeries and was unconscious most of the time.  However, when he was awake and feeling well enough to greet visitors he had his famous smile on and other than the fact that he was pretty much covered from head to toe in bandages he was his usual bubbly self.

Hyukjae was moved into his room about a week after they were checked in, and he would often get out of his bed to sit in a chair that was placed next to Donghae.  Even after he was discharged and was free to go, he spent most of his time in the hospital.  Waiting for Donghae to get out of his surgeries or just sitting with him as he rested.

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

"I couldn't stop blaming myself.  I spent most of my time sitting and thinking about all the things I could've done better.  The worst part about the whole thing though was waiting.  I hardly ever got to see him awake, so most of the time I was left basically alone with my boyfriend who was better off dead.  The guilt ate me, still eats me, alive.  I was drowning in it and sometimes it got so bad I could barely breath." He stopped and looked up into the doctor's eyes and was greeted by a shocked face.

During the whole time, Sungmin was barely able to keep up with Hyukjae, fervently scribbling everything he could onto his notepad.  For once he didn't have to ask questions in order for Hyukjae to keep speaking. 

"Hyukjae-ssi . . . " He started.

"Don't.  I know what you're going to say."  He sighed.  "And please don’t tell me that there was nothing I could've done to prevent it.  Both you and I know that that is just a bunch of bull and no matter what you say I won't change my mind." 

It was silent for a few moments and the air was so thick that you could've cut it with a knife.  All of a sudden, there was a rustling of papers, and the creak of the coach, as Sungmin stood up and sat next to Hyukjae.  They were both facing an open window and looked straight ahead.

" Hyukjae-ssi, when was the last time you cried?"  He was met with silence, not that he expected anything else. 

Then, spoken in a voice so quite that he wasn't even sure he had heard it all were the words, "I don't know.  I can't really remember."

That was a lie though.  He remembered exactly the last time he had cried.  It had been almost a year ago, on that day.

"You're lying."  Sungmin replies.

" . . . "

"I can tell.  Well, Hyukjae-ssi. I can't make you talk, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. But, I want us to be friends.  I also want to help you.  But I can't do that if you don't tell me everything."

" . . . "

"Well, I guess if you don't wanna talk anymore that's fine.  You opened up a lot today.  We made a ton of progress, good job!  I think that's enough for today."

" . . .  The last time I cried was on February 14^th."

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

             Ring!  Ring!

He groans and rolls over to look at the clock.

It's 3 in the morning.

He answers the phone.

Hangs up.

Makes another phone call.

It's 3:15.

He's driving.

Picks up his friend.

Screams at a red light for not turning green fast enough.

Does anything to get there faster.

It's 3:45.

He runs into the building.

Walks into the room.

Forgets how to breathe.

4:15

˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜˜

"Have you ever experienced pain before?"

"Sure.  Lots of times."  Sungmin says as he reaches for his pen and notepad once again.

"No.  I mean have you ever truly experienced pain before."  Hyukjae was staring blankly out the window.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, that day I walked into his room at 4:15.  Normally, it was just me and him in the room.  But that day he was surrounded by doctors.  And he was turning blue.

I walked in and if Leeteuk Hyung hadn't been there I would've passed out on the floor.   The guilt and initial pain had been slowly leaving my heart and he was awake more often so we talked a lot more.  He just needed one more surgery and then he would be able to leave the hospital.  The day before that he got it.

They were able to find him an organ donor so he got his new lung.  He was going to stay for a few more days and then he would be discharged.  One more day and we would've been home free. 

But I guess something went wrong.  Afterwards, they sent a doctor over to the waiting room to explain what happened.  He said that someone had read the papers wrong and that the lung wasn't a correct match.  His body rejected it and the other lung wasn't strong enough to handle, so it collapsed.  He was slowly suffocating to death, and there was nothing they could do.

He said he was sorry.  That I would be able to get some money because it was the hospital's fault."  Hyukjae's breathe hitched and he felt the familiar tightness in his chest. His eyes started to water and his throat started to close.

"What happened next, Hyukjae-ssi?"  Sungmin's voice was soft and assuring.  Silently encouraging him to continue.

"Well, at first I was mad.  Hae always said that saying sorry wasn't good enough and that there was no use saying it because it meant you had already did something wrong.  Then I was hurt.  Did this guy really think that money, money of all things, would make it any easier?"  His eyes started to water and he was struggling to keep talking.

He had finally opened the box with everything in it.  Memories started flooding back, emotions were running unchecked.  Everything that he had worked so hard to keep nice and neat and tucked away was finally being flung open and broken apart.

"Then I felt the pain.  I mean I had felt pain before, like when we were in that car accident, but never like this.  It was a thousands times worse than being hit by a train.  It ran so much deeper than any physical pain ever did.  Cut more nerves than any knife ever could.  Because you see, physical pain always goes away.  You feel it for a little while, or a long time, but sooner or later it'll fade away.  But this.  This kind of pain.  I still feel it.  It comes back every now and then and it takes so much energy not to just give up and let it take over.   I'm sorry, Doctor, but it is really hard to describe."  And then he couldn't hold on anymore.

Everything came rushing back.  EVERYTHING.  Hitting him in waves that blurred his vision and made it impossible to breath.  His armor cracked, peeling off of him and exposing nothing but his raw and bleeding heart. 

Looking up he took a deep breath and struggled to get the words past the tears that where bubbling up in his throat, "So I'm asking.  Have you ever felt that kind of pain?"

"I am so sorry, sir."  The man in the white suit said to the boy with red hair.

The boy, or young man, fell into his friend's open arms and cried.  Sobs shook his thin frame and he didn't have any energy to stand.  He was being held up by his friend, who after rubbing soothing circles into his back, looked back up at the doctor.

"Do you think we can see him, Doctor?"

After calming Hyukjae down to the point where he could walk on his own, Leeteuk guided him to Hae's room.  The younger male was still in his hospital bed and had a slight bluish tinge to him.  Upon seeing him, Hyukkie collapsed again.

"Teukie hyung!  I can't do this.  Please! PLEASE don't make me do this.  Hyung! Please just let me die already."  The younger man said clutching onto Leeteuk's shirt, his face covered in tears.

"Hyukkie.  Look at me," He grabbed his face with two hands and made Hyukjae look him straight in the eye.  "You NEED this.  I know you. I know that if I let you just run away, you are going to regret this for the rest of your life. Be strong, Hyuk.  At least say goodbye."

It had been the hardest thing he ever had to do.  Leeteuk had left him in his room and now he was sitting by his bedside.  The monitor next to him was slowly beating, getting slower with each passing minute.  The doctors were waiting outside the closed door, so that they would be there when he flat-lined.

"I'm so sorry, Hae."  His voice shook and he was on the border of breaking down again.  He reached for Donghae's hand and started to rub soothing circles with his thumb, even though the younger couldn't feel it.

"I'm sorry . . .  I'm sorry . . . I'm sorry."  He had now leaned over and was hugging the other.  But unlike the time after the accident, there wasn't a pair of arms hugging him back.  The line went flat and he soon realized that there never would be.  And when he realized it, he lost it.

Leeteuk heard when the sobs turned to screams of pain and then to pitiful begs.  That's when he walked in.  He saw the boy lying across the younger, saw the tear stained hospital gown, saw the paleness of his dongsaeng.

He pulled him away after 15 minutes, fighting against the other, since they had to take Donghae's body to the morgue.  He was kicking and screaming and begging them not to take him away.  Simply put, he was distraught.  And after getting home he crawled into a corner of his room, pulling at his hair and silently screaming in pain.  The first night was the hardest and he couldn't go to sleep.  When his friends found him the next morning he was pale with red-rimmed bloodshot eyes, shivering even though he was covered in jackets and blankets.  Tears were still streaming down his face, although now he was silent.  After that he shut all his emotions away, created a different reality, and the rest was history.

Hyukjae told all of this to Sungmin, between broken sobs and hitched breathes.  All the while Sungmin held him close and let him cry.  This was all apart of letting go. 

"It hurts so much . . ."  He cried.

"I know, I know.  But now you can start to heal. This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the one you love is torn from your life, and you survive.  And you have survived.  You can make it through this."

They spent some time sitting there, Hyukjae crying and pouring out everything.  He hadn't cried in months and all that time he had been building up his emotions.  His friends were right about the longer he kept it in, the bigger the explosion. After some time he stopped, finally running out of tears.  Then they sat in silence. 

After some time he shifted and said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome, Hyukjae-ssi.  Well, our appointment is up and your friends are waiting for you.  You did VERY well today.  VERY very well.  I want you to keep it up and we can continue tomorrow."

They both stood up, Hyukjae wiping his eyes and Sungmin getting his things together.  They walked to the door and when he opened it he saw 11 pairs of eyes looking up at him.  He took a deep breath and smiled one of his genuine gummy smiles.  He hadn't done that in a long time and it felt pretty good.  Everyone in the room exhaled and the atmosphere instantly relaxed.

He knew that he was a long way from being completely okay.  He might never even get there.  But as he was squished into a group hug he realized that he had people who really truly cared about him.  He would never stop loving Donghae but now he felt like he would be able to love him in a different way. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could finally stop pretending.

A/N - So . . . how was it?  Sorry if it fails *dodges bricks* Please leave comments and let me know what you thought.  Also I will try REALLY hard to update my other fic but I don't know.  Wish me luck this week cuz I have 2 swim meets and a band test.  Please comment and thanks for reading ^_^