Everything was all fun and chill from the start, not until six years later and everything just fell right in front of him, his friendship, his life, his leadership, his group.. his sanity

    Everynight N enter his room locking his door right after everyone is already asleep. he felt guilty locking his door since he ordered everyone not to lock their doors whenever they are home to be more transaparent with each other, but he just have to separate himself this time.

    He would fall on the floor at the edge of his bed and he just let himself break, he cried until he ran out tears because if he don't, he might go insane, Everyday is a pain for him, he's been holding himself together for the whole day, faking smiles and laughter while he is broken inside and he just had to let it all out. Releasing the pain with silent sobs not letting hongbin hear him in his room beside his.

    He is the leader, and he shouldn't be acting like this. He took the responsibility of being the leader and he's regretting it so much, he thought of giving it up to anyone and quit vixx but he's afraid that people might blame him and judge him for being so reckless.

    His phone kept beeping, haters kept messaging him to quit and just die, rot or whatever hurtful words they can say to him, they said he's getting it all, the spotlight the fame and his not giving anything for the rest of the members at all. He was, he even turned down roles for them to stop hating him, promoted leo and ken's musical, ravi's music, hyuk's drama and even hongbin. Even the CEO keeps calling him to double their efforts cause they keep getting lesser and lesser wins on comebacks and not topping the charts at all, blaming him for not doing his job as a leader. He doesn't want to burden ravi everytime their songs went out of the charts, so that the younger one doesn't feel dissappointed, are so fragile and he can't afford to see them break or be sad, except him, It's was like he was born on the same day as sadness and pain.

    "Why can you all just stop? Damn it, I get it already!" He said to himself.

    If he could turn his phone off, he would a long time ago. Run as far away as he can and never comeback, or die. Hang himself, cut his wrist, drink a bottle of pills, he had done everything and everytime he does it would always accidentally stops him from doing it and he hates them for it. He had even lost count of how many scar he had in his wrist and it was the only thing keeping him company in his darkest days.

    He's feeling emotional, so emotional and he knows it's childish and he isn't allowed to feel this way but he just have to take off his mask and be weak for a while. Maybe he can fake a smile and decieve others but not this 4 cornered walls around him. These walls that kept his secret and his weakness or so he thought.

    Seconds turned to minutes and then to hours of crying until he fell asleep, cold on the floor.

   ------

    Little did N know hongbin was listening to him on his bed, angry, to himself because he couldn't do anything for his hyung. Hours had past and he was still wide awake hearing hakyeon's silent sobs.

    His phone suddenly vibrated on his hand, It was 2:00 in the morning and he brought his phone to his face and read the message. It was from the their groupchat, The one they made to suprise hakyeon on his birthay last year, The Group chat was supposed to be m