Time surely has passed so fast. Back few years ago, they stepped into a school building with their school uniform and backpacks on the shoulder, ready for their high school life but now they are now ok their own, entering the new phase of their life which is to be in college. It wouldn’t be the same anymore with everyone has parted and choose their own way. But they knew that one day they will meet again. 

All of them wasn’t placed in the same college and they were all taking a different major. Chae Ri went to medic school, leaving her best friend Rose who enrolled herself into business school together with her boyfriend Chanyeol. Meanwhile her cousin Sehun choose engineering school. They are over the places but they always catch some times to meet each other. After all, best friends shouldn’t be apart with each other. 

Everything passes, but nothing change her love towards him, the boy that she’s been crushing on; Byun Baekhyun. He also enrolled to a same engineering school with Sehun, making them more closer than they already be. Just when she thought that this will be a perfect time to forget him and move on with her new life, she was wrong. 

“I miss him so much that I think I might die” She sigh. 

“Oh no girl. You are so dramatic. It’s college time! You should find new crush or perhaps, find yourself a boyfriend!” 

Her best friend always tell her to move on to pursue her own happiness. But it won’t be easy as what people have said. She was falling so hard over him and it wouldn’t be easy since he never acknowledged her as his girlfriend or more— even though with all the special treatments that she got from him in high school. Well, for her she thought that it was special. 

We might lost a lot of years, but we can't lose love. It stays locked inside us, ready for whenever we are strong enough to find it again. Since they graduated, Baekhyun and her been frequently shuttling text messages, be on phone when they got free time and sometimes FaceTime when they need to see each other faces, but they never meet since then. Both of them are still in Korea but it wasn’t their luck yet for them to reunited back. 

Baekhyun always busy for her. But she understands that. He wasn’t that guy who love to waste his time into useless things and she knew how he devoted all his time for his studies. It is his nature and she can’t change that despite the fact that they weren’t even in high school anymore. Chae Ri will the one who plan everything about to meet him or for them to have a quick meet up, but it never happened till she give up on that. She never asked him again. 

She hate the fact that it was so obvious that he never regard her more than friend but she still into him. No matter what he gave, she still like him. This is bad but she can’t do anything about her feelings. Especially when he came back and treat her just like how she like. He didn’t change since high school, in fact he getting nicer to her. She hate how she got all the special treatment from him yet he never said anything about them. 

To: Chae Ri

How are you feeling today? Sorry I was so busy past days that I forgot to text you

To: Baekhyun 

It’s okay. I’m good..just thinking about...I miss you Baekhyun. I miss our high school time :(

To: Chae Ri

Me too :( I always remember our good times

It all started during her first year of college, when she was still in the phase that she was over missed him and still can’t get over that it wasn’t same as when they were in high school. She couldn’t meet him when she want to— just like the old time. She felt lonely, so lonely. Even when she got busier with her college stuff and new friends, at the end of the night, when the sky get darker, all her thoughts are still into him. 

Sehun will the one who keep assured her that Baekhyun didn’t change and still smiles whenever he mentioned her to him. Her cousin will always be her spy; telling her everything about his college life. Who he met, what he do, she always wanted to know everything about Baekhyun. It give her a little hope that maybe, just maybe he also thinks about her just like her. That was her biggest mistakes— she always thought that he might like her too. 

She might be crazy if one might said so. Chae Ri have his photos in her locker, their photos framed into her bedroom walls and she even kept the letter that she got from him during their farewell party— even though it just him wishing her a goodluck for final examination. If you dig into her wallet, you will find the wrapper of the chocolate bar that he gave to her— she still keep it. 

Second year of the college, they are growing closer even though they haven’t meet meet other, yet. She getting used to the fact that it’s fine for not meeting him and she just want to enjoy having him with her from afar. Knowing that he still care for her. Being in medic school was never be easy and she always having a hard times on it. And there he is, being the savior and motivator to her when she thought that she want to quit everything. 

To: Chae Ri

Don’t give up dear. I know you can do it :)

To: Baekhyun 

It just...getting hard Baek...I don’t know

To: Chae Ri

Listen here sweetheart, I always be there for you and I know you do your best :) Cheer up, Kwon Chae Ri! 

They had been using sweet endearment for each other since then. Their tone when they were on phone was changed too. There is no more swearing and silly arguments like how friend talks to each other. Did you remember how you trying to changes your voice when you talk to your lover for the first time? That’s how it be. It is more into soothing and calming tone coming from him that will make her melted every time she heard his voice. He have a beautiful angelic voice and she will never get enough from it. 

Girls are complicated as they said— it was true indeed. We tends to thinks more over the silly things and we always took things seriously. We girls have a tendency to believe in our instinct, which we are think that it always right. It could be good and at the same time it would be dangerous. Like how she believed that he might like her just based on the little things he did to her.

“Hey...you didn’t talk much today...Are you okay dear?” 

She sigh on the other line, “...I’m good Baek”

“No dear, I know you and you are not okay. Tell me what’s wrong”

They only be friend with each other for like almost 3 years but she felt like Baekhyun already know everything about her. He know whenever she didn’t feel good or having a problem. One day she post a sad emoji on her status and the next few minutes she received a call from him. “Shhh....Don’t cry beautiful...I’m here” This little things always made her heart beat faster and she just can’t help but fall— falling in love with him. 

They open up almost everything about them. They know about each other family, friends, what they like and what triggers them. That will make them understand each other and from that moment Chae Ri thought that she might just understand what soulmates is, it was him Byun Baekhyun. They talks about everything, well everything except their feelings towards each other. She don’t want to experience the rejection so soon, yet she keep her feelings to herself. 

It was time for December, her favorite month throughout the year. It was when the snow started to fall and breeze of winter fill up the air, she the loves winter so much. It was also they month that she will turn another digit of her age, a year older— her birthday. Each birthday was special to her, she felt thankful for her family and friends that celebrate her special day, it always make her feel appreciated. 

For every year too she will be waiting, staring into her mobile phone, waiting and keep waiting for a name to pop up, to wish her a joyful birthday. It will eventually— either it has passed few hours after 12 am or passed few days. Baekhyun never wish her exact at 12am just like she always remember to do that to him. She wish that he could just be like other boyfriend who will be the first one to wish her girlfriend happy birthday. But she know it such a hopeless thing to wish, since he was far from to be called as her boyfriend. 

She will be upset, mad or sad over him but she just couldn’t throw him out of her life. She just...can’t. No matter how much she was crying over her feelings, over him, at the next day she will still reply to his text message and act like nothing was happened. She couldn’t ask more from him— she wasn’t anybody to him. She didn’t have right to make him remember her birthday or asked him to be the first one to wish her. But deep in her heart she just hope that maybe, there is a miracle in December. 

The selfish me, who always knew only myself.

The heartless me, who didn’t even know your heart.

Even I can’t believe that I changed like this.

Your love keeps moving me

Just by thinking about it,

I can fill the world up with you,

Because each snowflake is my each tear drop.

The one thing I can’t do is bring you to me.

I wish I didn’t have this useless power anymore.

***

“So how about you and that guy— what his name?” One of her high school friend asked. 

Her eyes widened, “.....Baekhyun, Byun Baekhyun” Chae Ri said. 

“Ah— him! Did you guys still together?” Another person said. 

“We...just are a best friend. But we are still keeping in touch with each other” 

“I thought you guys were a thing back in high school! You guys look like one to me” Chae Ri just smile listened to it. “You guys was so close and sweet too! Everyone thought so” That guy added. 

She hate reunion, she hate meeting her high school friends, minus her clique. She hate the fact that the whole school know about her and Byun Baekhyun and the fact that everyone thought they were a thing, and still are when the actual fact they never have anything. They never denied nor agree back then, they will just shake their head whenever people tease them. It was a big blow when rumors started to spread around the school. Some of their friends caught them when they are walking around the school park alone, or when they sit beside each other in the library. 

Some even took their pictures secretly and spread it out as if they were the hottest couple in the school. Even to level that their teachers find out, luckily they were so cool about it. Byun Baekhyun the nerd and good boy with the outgoing Kwon Chae Ri? They always said it was impossible. Some even said that she was the one who forced him to go out with her and some are just bitter to said that they were not compatible with each other. In other words— Chae Ri way to bad for him. Damn those girls with their cheap mouth. 

Stop asking about that guy— she just wanted to shove this into every single person who asked her about them. It reminded her about how pathetic she was, when everyone thought that they were together but they’re not. She wish she could just saying the truth to them that they were nothing, she don’t even know what they are. She do love him but she didn’t know what his feeling. She was having a one sided crush! It hurt her pride every times. 

For how many years more that she have to go through this. The sad part is, that she will probably end up loving him without him, for much longer than she loved him when she knew him. Some people might find that strange. But the truth of it is that the amount of love she feel for him and the impact he have on Chae Ri as a person, is in no way relative to the amount of time she have known him, Byun Baekhyun. This way to poetic and she is the only one who understand it. 

To: Baekhyun 

Did I ever once step beyond that friendship line in your life? What are we?

To: Chae Ri

You are always special for me. The first person that I look no matter in any situation I am, whether when I was in joy or in the sorrow. Someone that I’m comfortable with. But....Relationship was never in my mind. It applied for everyone, not only you. I was far from achieving success in my life and I just want to focus on that. Not until I graduated. 

To: Baekhyun 

I talked to much tonight. I wasn’t in my right mind now just forget everything that I have said.

To: Chae Ri

I’m sorry if it meant to hurt you dear. 

To: Baekhyun 

Talk to you later, Baek. I’m sleepy goodnight. 

That night Chae Ri sleep with a pain in her heart and tears non-stop flowing from her eyes. Heartbroken, as she could describe. She have spend every minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing her current situation and trying to put the pieces together. Justifying what could've, would've happened into her. But then she just decided to leave the pieces on the floor and move the fck on.

It happens to everyone as we grow up. We find out who we are and what we want, and then one day we realize that people we have known forever don't see things the way we do. It hurts for her. Does that making sense that he treated her like more than a friend should have yet never thought you more than that? It was hurt but she keep all the wonderful memories and at the same time find herself moving on. Can she?

No she can’t. She can’t forget about him. 

She was stupid and she admit it. Few days after the night that Baekhyun confessed his words, he come back and text her like nothing was happened. Feeling hurt from what he did, she didn’t replied it. But then he keeps getting into her. Guess what? She starting to reply him. Even though he wrote about almost 10 lines in a time and she will only said ‘Okay’, still, she replied him. That’s why she said that she was stupid. 

He didn’t said sorry— of course he didn’t do anything wrong is it? He just saying the truth, that he wasn’t ready for relationship even since beginning. He keeps going to text her asking how her day is, whether she has eaten or not, he did it like nothing has happened and as if nothing was affected him. 

It was bull to said that he didn’t know what her feelings towards him. Chae Ri didn’t need to confess to him— it a common sense for him to know that she like him. Who else will stay by someone side for so many years and asking for their status if she didn’t like him? Baekhyun know everything but he keep denied it for what reason, he’s the only one who knows it. 

Few months has passed and she has accepted the fact that they can only be friends. They still talked to each other, texting like how they used to but in less frequent time. It was more into once or twice a month rather than almost every day back then. Still have a feeling on him, but it wasn’t as much as before and she admit that it’s getting faded. To be honest, she was still affected. 

To: Chae Ri

I saw your post on Instagram today. You look pretty in that dress :)

What she want from Baekhyun is for him to stop giving her a false hope. He should have just leave when she signaling him that she like him; he should just stop contacting her. Why bother to come back when he actually aware that she love him? Can he just stop making her confused? He didn’t change. He still be the same Baekhyun that keep showing his love towards her. 

There is one day, Chae Ri had a big argument with her college friend it was a hard time for her. She was crying for the whole night and it was 3am when she started typing to him. It was a random rant that she thought that he will never reply as he should have asleep during this time. But then suddenly he called her. 

“Hey, don’t cry okay? Just tell me everything. I’m here for you” He said on the lines. 

“They’re not good for you Chae Ri. Don’t worry I’m always here to protect you” He added.

She started to spill out everything with him listening all the night. It was almost dawn when they finally hung up to each other. She felt so good listening to his voice, his sweet voice that soothe and calm her down. At that moment, she realize that at the end, he will be the one that she will look into and the one that will make her feel better and safe. The guy that she once loved, Byun Baekhyun.

Baekhyun was her only source of joy, but in a rare, vulnerable moment, she hoped to trade her love for another man. It’s been 5 years since she had known him, since she had crush on him, since she love him. For 5 fcking years she has been waiting for him, waiting for something that she wasn’t sure. After the night that he told her what he felt, she never ask him the same question. She just wanted to follow the flow. The ending? It was yet to know. 

“At least not until I graduated” Did she need to wait him till this?

It was normal for them, normal conversation, normal phone calling, normal ranting on how each other day is. He will calling her first every time he’s going abroad, or tell her if there is something make his day better. He keep making her feel something in her stomach, butterfly effect as what people said but then the sparks has slowly faded. 

To: Chae Ri

Good morning sunshine :)

To: Baekhyun 

Morning.

She didn’t know if she like him or not at this point. After these past years she felt like she did it just for a routine. She texted him, but she didn’t feel excited about it. Did she give up already? But one thing is she knew that one day if Baekhyun tell her that he have someone, it definitely give her a heartbroken.

She didn’t expect that the day will come very soon. 

Few months before college graduation and both of them are getting busier as with their final year project and college stuff. Chae Ri has absolutely forget the fact that she used to said that she will ask him again the same question right after they are graduated. Maybe she just lost her interest in him, maybe she just too tired from this. 

Scrolling into her Instagram account, she smiles when she saw a post from Baekhyun. He rarely post a story on this social media. Once in awhile and she as always will never missed it. He post something related to a marriage thing; a quote on to stabilize relationship into the next level. She then slide into his DM.

@Baekhyuneeee: Wow Baekhyun! Are you getting married soon?

@CherryChae: Haha it just a long time plan. Not happening this soon :)

@Baekhyuneeee: Who’s the lucky girl ;) You didn’t tell me that you already have a girlfriend!

@CherryChae: Lol she wasn’t a girlfriend. Just someone close to. I told you about her before

@Baekhyuneeee: When Baek? I don’t think you did -.-

@CherryChae: I did! Remember when walked you back to your dorm during high school? I told you about her. I still remembered it

She had no power left. Nothing. She was typing to him as if she was fine but hell no, she almost crying. But she didn’t. Why? Because this is the reality that she should realize long time ago. Not last few months, not last years when she experienced her first heartbreak, but 5 years ago when she first met him. 

She cursed herself out. She was stupid, stupid and stupid. Fck her feelings. Fck Byun Baekhyun who made her like him. For made her think that it’s okay if he got someone else, they are not even in relationship and she still have a chance. Back in 5 years ago. Why did she have to met him? Why did she have to like him? Why she have to experienced all this heartbreak after 5 years waiting for him? She feel stupid when she thought about that. 

Did this Baekhyun fault? She didn’t know. She had nobody to blame for her heartbreak. Did this her fault? For loving him? She slunk back on her bed, hating him, loathing him.....wanting him. But there he was—the perfect, gorgeous love of her life who had tell her that she wasn’t the one in her life. 

This is the end. She shouldn’t turning back for real; she should listen to it this time. Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake and help us to see that we are worth so much more than we're settling for. It was strange, really she thought. A couple years ago, she had thought she couldn’t live without him, that no matter how he had treated her or her unresponsive her, she didn’t have anyone else beside him. Apparently she could. She have to do this for her own. 

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change”

Goodbye Byun Baekhyun, Goodbye my almost lover.

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying not to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

-THE END-

A/N: I’m sorry if this story was kind of boring for you. This is actually a real life story with a bit of modification but the plot was real. I just wanted to know, if you be the girl, what will you do now? And do you think that Baekhyun really do have a feeling for her before? Even for a bit? 

Btw this is most likely the POV for the girl. So there is less Baek moment. Maybe just maybe if I have more inspiration I could just extend this story by writing on his perspective. Comment down below! Enjoy your reading guys!