Baekhyun swears to himself that this will be the last promise they will have to break.

Leaning his back against the tree behind him, he lets out a sigh at the decision he didn’t think he could ever thought of considering. He sends an apologetic smile towards the old woman who’s been sweeping all the grass he’s pulled out since while back and got an eye roll as a reply.

Nice, Baekhyun thinks, at least he wasn’t the only one unhappy today.

“I’m so ing old.” He groans as he feels the muscles in his lower back cramp when he tried to lift himself up. How long has he been at the park this time? 8 hours? 10? 12? He places a hand on the tree for support as he gets on his feet and brushes the remaining traces of soil off his hands.

Spending a whole day under a particular tree every 31st of January only to come back empty-handed is nothing new to Baekhyun as he has been constantly doing this for the past years. He sits on the same spot, in the same place, with the same feeling of hope and desperation to see the person he unfailingly waits for, and goes home with the same feeling of weariness and disappointment every single time.

And every single time, he tells himself that he shouldn’t feel like this anymore because today is nothing different to the other 31st of January’s he has also wasted. Today’s 10 hours of waiting only adds to his 10 years of longing, so what’s the point of still being disappointed with something you’ve already expected?

But at the same time he reprimands himself of what shouldn’t be there anymore, a part of him also reminds him that it is only he who makes them stay; the silenced truth that it is only he who forces himself to still be disappointed—to still feel disappointed shouts at him from the back of his mind. There is no one to blame but him for still choosing to fool himself into believing that he isn’t used to this up until now, and that it’s because the feeling rarely ever comes and it never stays with him like it truly does because it’s supposed to be like that.

Yes, Baekhyun agrees with his delusional mind as it comes up yet again with another hollow excuse. It’s supposed to be like that.

Because Chanyeol is supposed to go home—he’s supposed to be home.

“Chanyeol,” He mutters under his breath, as if trying to remember the feeling that comes whenever the name rolls off his tongue, “Park Chan—”

And he doesn’t dare to finish saying it because the feeling comes back; the pain that he thought was long gone comes back and it suddenly hurts more than it should be and it amazes and maddens him at the same time how Chanyeol could still render him miserable with just the mere mention of his name.

Here he is, still letting his stupid self wait by this tree every 31st of January just because a certain person had promised to be back on the same date that he had departed to pursue his dream, and had made him promise to wait for him no matter how long it takes.

He laughs and screams afterwards, making the little birds on the branches of the tree fly off. He’s losing his patience, he’s losing his dignity, and he’s losing a grip of his sanity and Chanyeol still hasn’t shoved his achievements on Baekhyun’s face.

He knows he’s really being stupid by now, but he can’t help himself from getting angry for the first time in years at the fact that Chanyeol hadn’t even bothered to send him a message, give him a call, or just anything that assures Baekhyun and wouldn’t make him forget that he’s still waiting for someone—that he’s still waiting for Chanyeol.

He can’t help himself but to finally get angry at the fact that Chanyeol hadn’t even bothered to make him feel that he is important.

Now that Baekhyun thinks of it, he realized that maybe he really isn’t a significant part of Chanyeol’s life.

Maybe it was really just Chanyeol who’s a significant part of Baekhyun—of his life, and of him.

8:00 PM. The glaring numbers on his phone stares back at him as he decides to sit back down and pick on the grass again. He’s hungry and thirsty and tired but he doesn’t take any of that as a reason to go home. He only has 4 hours left of waiting, what’s there to lose, right?

What more does he have to lose?

(How much more does he have to lose?)

Baekhyun’s been asked so many times why he still insists on doing this, and truthfully, he often asks himself that too, mainly because he doesn’t want to admit that he knows the answer—that he has so, so many answers to it and he doesn’t want to hear any single one of them coming from his own mouth. He doesn’t want to admit that even a decade later, he still wants Chanyeol. And so whenever the date comes, he still patiently waits like the fool Chanyeol has made him into.

He doesn’t want to admit, especially to himself, that keeping his promise to Chanyeol seems to be the only right decision he has made in his whole life and yet regrets it so, so much.

But how, a larger part of Baekhyun asks: how does one consider their decision right if they weren’t even a bit happy with it?

”Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~”

The sound of Chanyeol’s mechanical voice breaks the silence as his phone’s alarm goes off. He remembers Chanyeol’s expression that matches the librarian’s fuming face when his phone started playing S.E.S’ I’m Your Girl loudly because someone forgot that he has set an alarm at 4 pm at full volume. Chanyeol later snatched his phone from his hands after getting kicked out and recorded his own voice because apparently, he can be jealous even at idols—especially girl idols.

Ah, he could live reminiscing the special moments in his life forever. How he wishes going back in time makes time stop so he would not have to do something that should have been done years ago.

How he wishes he can really stop time because he does not think he can do this. He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to move on. He’s not ready to move on.

Not yet. Not now.

(Not ever.)

00:00. February 1.

Another 31st of January went by, and Baekhyun still hasn’t seen even just a shadow of Chanyeol.

“Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~“

Maybe this really is the time to wake up.

“Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~“

Maybe this really is the time for him to leave the chapter he’s been stuck on for so many years and turn the next page.

“Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~“

Maybe this really is the time to let go.

“Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~“

Today, Baekhyun promises to himself that this would be the last time he will go to this park. This would be the last time he will wait by this tree, and this year’s would be the last 31st of January that will be spent waiting for someone who’s never coming back.

And the promise to wait for Chanyeol will be the last promise he will have to break.

”Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~”

”Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~”

”Boinky boinky~ It’s time to wake up~”