Chapter Seventeen: Where I'm One Broken Heart Closer

My first break up wasn’t like this.

It was in seventh grade with a boy named Henry. We were together for nearly half a year before he received the news he would be moving far away. Back then, I thought the world was ending. That we had so much potential as a couple and could make it last forever if just given the chance. Watching the back of his head drive away had been the worst feeling I’d ever felt in my pre-teen life.

For about a year afterwards, I could not find the desire to date. Every boy I saw I compared to him, telling myself this boy didn’t make me smile with stupid little jokes. This boy didn’t squeeze me tight and squish his cheek against mine while saying over and over how much he liked me.

I wonder how my breakup will go this time.

Jeon Jungkook didn’t vanish like Henry did. Jungkook was very much here, and not bothering to avoid me either. Every time he saw me he would pierce me with his gaze, becoming still and barely even blinking. It wasn’t in a passive aggressive way. It was more like he was waiting. I wasn’t sure what for. For me to come up to him? For him to do the same? Jeon Jungkook was a difficult man to read at times. He hadn’t made out with Yeri since that first day, so at least he wasn’t trying to completely obliterate my heart. It hurt enough just to see him and know Jungkook could never be mine again despite how much my heart yearned for it.

History class was painful. He still sat next to me even though his old seat remained empty. He never said a word, but sometimes he would watch me. Even when he knew I noticed he didn’t bother to stop. At least Nana was proud of me, telling me how strong I was to keep from giving in. What she didn’t know was every second of the day I was so close. The only thing that stopped me was the words that choked me up and were swallowed in my throat. The fear, knowing although my heart would be sated for a moment, it would only be that.

Jungkook didn’t care about me.

Jungkook didn’t love me.

Jungkook didn’t want me the way I wanted this for us.

When I spoke to Namjoon about it he had pulled me into a hug, pressing his cheek against the top of my head and telling me how happy he was that I realized this, because not everyone could. In order for a relationship to work out both people had to be on the same page. Jungkook and I weren’t, both wanting different things. When Namjoon laid it out so plainly for me I didn’t know how I didn’t notice something so obvious.

I did not regret giving him my ity.

Despite the heartache, Jungkook was my first love. The memories would be tinged with gleams of melancholy, but it was a life lesson learned. My first kiss made me realize that the world would not always work in my favor and my first love made me learn that love can blind me without even noticing. I thought I could change Jungkook. I had hoped with time he would open up and let me in, but if he wasn’t ready to do that no amount of force could make him. Which was why when he placed his hand against my shoulder, staring at me so beautifully all I could feel was emptiness.

“I don’t understand what else I can do to convince you that I like you.