♫ I can't explain what you did to me...

I can't escape from ya... ♫


 

‘Hyung! You look really cool with this outfit!!’


‘Hyung… you keep saying that black is your color, but I really think white suits you and the bandana really completes you look.’


‘I think that Yoongi-hyung is trying too hard to be a bad boy… it doesn’t suit him very much, because he’s a really kind person. Whoever ends up dating him will be really lucky.’


‘Favorite look from the Dark & Wild Era? Hmm… when Yoongi-hyung wore ripped jeans and a black leather jacket for the photoshoot. Yeah, I think that’s the one I like the most.’


‘Yoongi-hyung has definitely improved a lot in dancing since our debut. He used to say that dancing almost made me want to quit, but I can see that now he enjoys himself a lot on stage and he likes learning new dances, even the ones with rather complicated moves.’


‘It’s not just the concept… when I saw Yoongi-hyung in the forest, doing his part of the photoshoot I really thought that he looks like a fairy. Hyung is just… getting cuter by each passing year.’


‘Black hair looks really good on Yoongi-hyung, but I really like his blonde hair as well.’


‘I’m really glad that Hyung’s mixtape received so much positive feedback! He really worked really hard for it!’


‘I personally don’t like filming on my own that much. I feel more confident with the members around and I’m really happy that I was able to work with Suga-hyung during the photoshoot of our Wings album. I hope the fans will like the outcome.’


‘Hyung looks like a doll on that pile of clothes. Our Suga-hyung doesn’t like being called cute, but he really is. Hyyung, don’t get mad at me for saying that after watching the Bangtan bomb later.’


‘Yoongi-hyung is getting super good at acting. Sometimes I even wonder if he’s not taking classes in secret. But Hyung is a really talented person, so I’m not that surprised.’


‘Our fans are really lucky. They can see Yoongi-hyung drop the mic with that charismatic expression on his face live, while I’ll never be able to. I can only monitor our performances and see the broadcasts later.’


‘Just looking at Yoongi-hyung makes me smile. Eh? No, he doesn’t have to be doing anything in particular, just… his face makes me happy.’


‘Yoongi-hyung might not show it that much, but he’s a really affectionate person and he deeply cares about the members.’


‘Hyung can be really savage at times, but it’s been some time since I gathered the courage to talk back to him. Bickering with him is really fun.’


‘Yoongi-hyung can do so many things… he’s great at basketball, he writes amazing lyrics, his jokes can always make people laugh, he can beautifully play the piano, his rap is on another level… Min Yoongi is someone I truly admire. Fighting, Hyung! You really are the best!’





There was a time when Jimin never paid attention to his words, to what he would say about a certain member when he was asked a question during an interview. He just said the first things that came to his mind and somehow when he had to praise someone Yoongi was always the first one he thought of.


Jimin was close with all of the members. They were his family, his everything, the people he spent the most time with. Taehyung would forever stay his best friend. They even joked that fifty years from now on, they would still wouldn’t be able to get rid of each other. Jimin was certainly looking forward to the days when their bones would crack with each taken step, but he was sure that they would still smile at each other and laugh like they were right now.


Whenever Jimin missed his home, especially his mother, he just had to go to the kitchen and watch Seokjin cook for a while. The oldest wasn’t the leader, but he was the one in charge of everything in their household. He was truly like a mother to all of them. He made sure that they were always fed, he scolded them when they didn’t clean their rooms and left a mess after themselves. His nagging could really be a way too much at times, so everyone pretended that they couldn’t hear him, but Seokjin never gave up and followed them around the dorm until the little troublemakers listened to him.


Jungkook was that one brat, whom Jimin could never really get angry at. Sometimes he felt like Jungkook was older than him, because he could be really mature in certain situations, but whenever the boy sat in front of his laptop and played games for hours without tearing his eyes away from the screen, Jimin realized that Jungkook was still a child. A very hardworking and stubborn child who pushed himself past his limits, making those around him worry to no end. 


Hoseok was one of the members, which Jimin grew close to really fast, because of the older’s cheerful and outgoing personality and their common interest in dancing. Hoseok was one of the most genuine people Jimin had ever met in his life, he was a literal sunshine and Jimin loved spending time with him, being in Hoseok’s presence always made him relax and forget about all of his worries, even just for a while.


Kim Namjoon was the best leader that could ever exist, Jimin was sure of that. Being a leader was not just a title that was tossed at Namjoon’s way, it was a huge burden with a lot of responsibilities. There were so many things, which the older had to take care of, but he never complained and always tried his best to unite the team by saying encouraging words, no matter how tired he was, Namjoon was there to lead them and he did a fantastic job.


Yoongi… was someone, whom Jimn didn’t know how to act around at first. Yoongi really did look like a cold person, with a piercing and judging gaze, but the second the older smiled and showed all of his gums, Jimin thought that he had never seen a more stunning smile and he tried his best to get to know Yoongi better, to get close to him, which actually wasn’t that hard. Because all he had to do was take one step in Yoongi’s direction and in return, the older took one step closer to him as well. The distance between them was shortened fast and Jimin could really be himself when he was around the other. Yoongi was understanding and caring, even though he tried to mask his concern with harsh words or speak in an indirect way, but Jimin always knew what the older truly meant and he treasured the words a lot.


Every little smile, every praise, every little touch, every action directed towards him, it all meant a lot to Jimin. He valued all of the members, he really did, but when it came to Yoongi… there was something else, something special.


Jimin thought that he knew Yoongi very well, but he could never imagine what demons the older was actually fighting with every day. But one day, he stumbled upon a scene, which he would never be able to forget for the rest of his life.


The day when Yoongi scared the life out of him.









14th November, 2014. The day of their second concert in Kobe.


Everyone was ecstatic, it was their first time touring around, performing not only in Korea, but outside of their homeland as well. Japanese fans have always been really considerate and respected their privacy. Everything was great, the performances were almost flawless, there were a few tiny mistakes here and there, but the fans didn’t even notice them. The members however did and they were upset that even after so much practice they had managed to mess up – a missed step in the dance routine, a crack in the voice, going in the wrong direction, while freely walking on stage. But it didn’t really matter, the fans seemed and sounded immensely happy and so were the Bangtan members. That’s all, which mattered. Everything was perfect the way it was, everything was okay.


But in reality… nothing was okay.


They were having a short break, but they were supposed to soon return to the stage. However, the staff members couldn’t find Yoongi, he was nowhere to be seen and the members were starting to get anxious as well, so those whose hair and make-up were fixed joined the search.


At first, Jimin thought that Yoongi had fallen asleep somewhere. He was the grandpa of the group after all, but he knew that the older was not that irresponsible and that he would never disappear like that during a concert, so he couldn’t help getting worried when he opened room after room and he couldn’t find Yoongi.


And then… he reached the end of the corridor where there was a small bathroom on the left. He could hear the loud chanting of the fans, but he could also faintly catch some weird noise from behind the door and with a slightly trembling hand, he opened the door, which luckily wasn’t locked and his heart almost stopped beating when he saw Yoongi on the floor, hunched over, trying to take in new breaths as if his life depended on it and… it probably did.


“Hyung! Oh my god!! Are you okay?!”


Jimin knelt down next to the older right away and lifted up his head a bit. Yoongi was pale, too pale. His forehead was covered in sweat and his hair was a mess, his eyes were half-opened, half-closed and his irregular breath was far from being considered fine.


“Hyung… what’s wrong? Gosh, please say something! You’re scaring me like this!”


Panicking in a situation like this was probably the last thing that had to be done, but Jimin had never seen the other like this, looking completed wrecked, almost sick, barely breathing. Yoongi was looking at him, the look in his eyes was becoming clearer, but he still wasn’t breathing properly and Jimin knew he had to do something.


“H-hyung, you need help! I’ll go get someone-!”


Before Jimin could finish his sentence and even think about getting up from his spot, Yoongi grabbed his arm, there was close to no strength in his hold.


“No. Just… stay here. Don’t leave.”


“Hyung… I- I can’t, you need-!”


“You’re here. That’s…”


The pause was so long that for a second Jimin thought that the older wasn’t going to continue with whatever he was trying to say, but he was proven wrong.


“That’s enough.”


In any other situation, Jimin would’ve been happy to hear that, but he couldn’t feel anything else except the huge worry for Yoongi’s health. He helped the older to straighten his composure a bit and rubbed his back, telling him ‘Breathe, Hyung. Just breathe… you need to, please.’.


The older leaned against him, his body was limp, but at least his breathing was slowly returning to normal and Jimin took in a deep breath himself, he hadn’t even realized that he had been holding it in, he was solely focused on Yoongi and nothing else.


“Hyung… what happened?”


Jimin asked after he was sure that the older could properly reply to him. He was just hoping that they weren’t taking too long and that nothing would happen to the concert. Yoongi still looked so weak, he probably needed some time to even be able to get up and walk on his own. Going up on stage seemed nearly impossible, but Jimin knew that Yoongi would still perform and give all his best, despite his condition.


“Sometimes… I’m afraid… afraid of everything.”


Jimin decided to let the older talk, he just listened and Yoongi truly poured his heart out to him on the cold bathroom floor at the Kokusai Hall.


“I’m afraid of people. Of what they would think, of what they would say. I try not to give a damn, but it’s so, so hard. At times I feel like the whole world is against us, that no matter how much we try, we still won’t be able to achieve a thing, that we would always be judged and hated. I just want our music to be appreciated, everyone is putting so much effort in each song, each performance, each dance move and… I just want people to see, to listen, I want our music to reach many. And sometimes I’m afraid of myself – I have sacrificed so much for this debut, my own family was against everything I did, so I left, I had no other choice. But sometimes I wonder if all of the pain was worth it, maybe I’m being too greedy, maybe all of this was a mistake, maybe being on stage was not meant for me after all. I mean look at me… I’m having a ing panic attack in the middle of a concert. Everybody is waiting and I’m just going to disappoint them all, I-”


“Hyung.”


Jimin couldn’t listen to Yoongi blame himself like this, how could Min Yoongi think so lowly of himself? After going through so much, after breaking rules and creating new ones, after proving wrong all those who mocked him??


“If you’re not meant to be on stage… then I don’t know who is. Don’t say something like that, ever again.”


Jimin hugged the older, trying not to squeeze him too tightly, he didn’t want to make it hard for Yoongi to breathe, he just wanted to let the other know, to let him feel that he was there and that he would always be.


And Jimin could feel how his shirt started getting damp, but it certainly was not because of the older’s already drenched body.



That was the first time Jimin saw the real Min Yoongi.


How broken and how insecure he was.


How scared he was.


How much he was struggling, while he was trying to convince the world that he was fearless.


How hard it was for him to cope with the fame, with the criticism, the hate, even the love, the positive comments and the hundreds of fans who lined up for their concerts and fansigns… because he thought he didn’t deserve any of that.



Jimin’s heart ached like there’s no tomorrow.









After that Jimin started paying even more attention to Yoongi. He observed him like a hawk and tried to spot any sign of discomfort, a sign to show that the older wasn’t feeling well, that he was pushing himself too hard, but as time passed, Jimin started noticing that the forced and fake smiles almost disappeared. Yoongi was really starting to have fun on stage, he was not free of worries, but it seemed like they were no longer gnawing at his insides, making him doubt everything he did.


Yoongi’s true character was starting to come out, he behaved more freely now, he was livelier backstage, it was still hard for him to get used to all the good things that were happening to him to them, to all the fans who were growing more and more in number by each passing comeback.


But Yoongi’s shy yet super content smile whenever a fan told him that their music was true inspiration, that Yoongi was a true inspiration, was just priceless and in such moments Jimin simply couldn’t look away. He knew it would look hella weird if he took out his phone and snapped a picture of Yoongi’s smiling face, so he just stared, while trying to engrave the older’s happy expression in his memory.


And as the years passed, Jimin found himself staring more than he had to. It was no longer to check if Yoongi was feeling alright, he just wanted to… look. Sometimes he even forgot that they were on stage, that people were following their every move. It didn’t take long for Jimin to start craving for more, so he often sat close to Yoongi be at in the van, at interviews, while they were eating or just filming something in general.


At first, Jimin thought that it was normal, that he wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary. He was just a dongsaeng who appreciated his Hyung, but his delusion didn’t last long.


Not when he started feeling that itch to literally see Yoongi all the time, the need to be close to him, not when everything the older did had such an impact on Jimin’s very much wavering heart.









When Jimin opened his eyes, he didn’t know what time it was. His whole body was aching from too much dancing, but when he tried shifting a little, he realized that his head was actually leaning against something soft.


“You’re finally awake?”


The voice surprised Jimin and he raised his head, only to be met with Yoongi’s eyes, filled with something akin to teasing.


“My shoulder was starting to get numb, you know?”


“What- for how long have you been here, Hyung?”


“The real question is for how long have you been here??”


“I-ah… what time is it?”


Yoongi huffed in annoyance, because of the question and he lifted up himself from the floor.


“God, I’m sure you’ve been stuck here all day without even eating. I just knew I would find you in the practice room, but I didn’t expect to find you asleep, leaning on the damn mirror. Go shower quickly and then we’re going to grab something to eat.”


“But-”


“No objections.”





And that’s how Jimin found himself in a small family restaurant, luckily there was a vacant spot at the corner away from the people’s eyes. The place was mostly filled with families or old people, but Bangtan was getting more and more popular these days and having some privacy was starting to become a task, so Jimin was glad that they would be able to find some peace here.


Yoongi was the one who ordered everything, they rarely drank outside like this, having to to always mind the publics opinion and the possibility of someone seeing them, but a bottle of soju was served to them a few minutes after settling down.


Being the younger one, Jimin wanted to properly show his respect and be the one to pour Yoongi’s drink, but the older acted faster than him and filled his glass… the only glass on the table.


“Hyung… can I drink as well?” Jimin didn’t want his question to sound like a whine, but it did and Yoongi’s raised eyebrow told him that he was getting nowhere near the alcohol. “I’m already of age, you know…”


Jimin mumbled under his breath, which simply earned him a snort in response.


“Who cares? Age is just a number. You’re still a kid Jimin-ah.”


Jimin didn’t want to be treated like some child, he was turning 21 in a few months. He was old enough to drink and… to do so much more things, but in Yoongi’s eyes he was still that 18-year-old kid with baby fat on his cheeks? The pout formed itself on his features and Jimin just played with his food, without actually putting something in his mouth. He gained weight so easily and the skewers in front of him made his mouth water, but he held himself back. They were preparing for a comeback, he couldn’t let himself look like a pig.


I have to look good. I can’t disappoint the fans.


“Stop worrying about what people will think about how you look.”


Jimin’s head snapped up and he looked at Yoongi with wide eyes, had the older read his mind?


“Our fans love you, because of who you are Jiminie and if there are some who are here just for the abs show, then screw them. They are not real fans. Don’t starve yourself. Eat.”


Aah, that was everything Jimin wanted and needed to hear and yet he couldn’t help it… his body always made him feel self-conscious. Appearance was the first thing people noticed, if he wasn’t appealing to look at… then how could he make people like him?


“Hyung, I’m not hungry.”


He uttered a lame lie and he regretted it instantly, because he was stupid to think that he could fool Yoongi. Maybe he could fool himself, but to fool Min Yoongi? Maybe in another life.


“Park Jimin… don’t make me shove the food down your throat.”


The stern look on the older’s face and the threat did not scare Jimin, but made him smile instead. Yoongi has never been good at expressing his emotions, but after getting to know the real Yoongi, Jimin easily caught on the concern in the older’s voice and ignored the slight irritation.


His smile faltered when Yoongi sighed and grabbed his spoon, taking a huge amount of rice from his own bowl. He raised his hand and the spoon stopped right in front of Jimin’s face.


“Open up.”


Jimin thought he was hallucinating at first. Maybe he was still in the practice room and all of this was just a dream? Oh, what a sweet and pleasant dream it was. But when Yoongi nudged his lips with the spoon, separating them in the process, Jimin realized how real this was, especially when he started chewing the well-cooked rice that somehow ended up in his mouth.


“I’m of age.” Yoongi repeated in a mocking tone and took a sip from his glass. “Age, my . You’re a total baby, which I even have to feed myself or maybe… you simply love being pampered. Is that it, princess?”


Jimin choked on his rice and heat crept from his neck to his face, it was as if Yoongi’s words had burnt him, because he felt like he was on fire.


“H-hyung!”


“Easy there. Don’t die on me, princess. The fans will kill me if something happens to our precious Park Jiminie. We can’t deprive the world of your angelic voice, right?”



Jimin had never felt more embarrassed and yet incredibly happy at the same time.









Jimin didn’t know how or when it happened. He looked back over the years and tried to remember a certain moment when his feelings started changing, but he couldn’t pinpoint an exact occasion.


The feeling was just there.


Falling in love with Min Yoongi just happened.


Was it wrong? To love another man? A person who was in the same group with you, who trusted you and shared so much with you and yet you kept such a big secret from that same said person?


Jimin didn’t wa