“KIBUM…! LET… ME… IN!!

 

He woke up. He came back to the reality, a place he didn’t want to be anymore. Reality was troublesome… He wanted to dream forever. Someone was knocking loudly on the door. Kibum sat up in the bed and looked down at it. Jonghyun’s pillow, blue and white… Fluffy, soft and beautiful….

 

“Kibum, I know you’re in there!!” Jonghyun’s voice was shouting so loudly that Kibum got startled and got up from the bed in the same second. Everything became clear to him. Everything that had happened came back to him, once again. The painful memories hurting him like thick needles.

 

“Let me in!” He shouted, his voice filled with desperation.

 

“Yes…” Kibum said, just like he had in the dream. A voice full of hopefulness and happiness, and a wonderful feeling… He smiled by the sound of it. No matter how the surrounding made him feel, he still had a few wonderful memories to rely on. He was safe with them.

“K-Kibum…!? I can hear you. You’re there, just unlock the door, please,” Jonghyun was impatient, just like usual. Had Jonghyun realized that Kibum knew? He knew everything. He always knew everything.

 

Kibum did as he wished, even though he didn’t feel like it. He unwillingly walked across the floor, got to the door and was reaching for the doorknob. He didn’t hesitate, he just hurried to open. What could that Jonghyun do, anyway? He had already broken him. There was nothing more he could do to him, right?

 

“Kibum…” the sight of Jonghyun made him close his eyes. It was too painful. He closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ground. Then he felt himself moving away from him. The unbearable burning feeling came back. His throat was completely shut off.

 

“What’s wrong with you…?”

 

“Get away from me.”

 

“Kibum… Eh, what…?”

 

“Go away. Just leave. Leave me alone,” Kibum whispered. Jonghyun confidently walked up to him, seemingly fed up with Kibum’s act. Kibum looked down at his face. Jonghyun could notice his swollen eyes right away and instantly looked away as he saw how his face looked.

 

“Why are you acting like this? Stop being such an , will you!? What’s wrong, anyway? You’re acting foolish. And by the way you look horrible. Your eyes… they’re red. Are you a girl or something? Is the life as a singer too hard for you? Or have you stopped eating or something? Idiot… I don’t understand you anymore, Kibum,” Jonghyun wasn’t looking at him. It was as if he was talking to the wall, but Kibum couldn’t see his face clearly anymore – he could only hear his hurtful words.

 

Kibum moved his trembling hand towards his mouth and covered it completely. He wanted to scream, but was unable to. His voice couldn’t be heard. His tears felt thick and hot, as if they were made of his own blood. He was bleeding… but Jonghyun couldn’t see.

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

“Seriously, are you crying? What the hell is going on? Why are you being like this!? Kibum, lately… you’ve been different. Just different… I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Jonghyun’s face was filled with disgust.

 

“I know… You can’t… you can’t do this anymore. I already know,” Kibum was whispering into his hand as he pressed it even harder against his regretful lips. He closed his eyes, allowing his blood-like tears to freely pour down his completely pale face. Every inch of his body was screaming in silence. All he could hear inside his head was screaming. Horrifying screaming… It hurt him.

 

“You’re pathetic… I don’t even want to be around you anymore. Crying like a girl… Do you have any idea how frustrated it makes me when you’re acting like this? It’s too much, Kibum… Stop pretending, already,” Jonghyun started walking away from him. Kibum removed his hand from his mouth. His lips felt numb and wet from the tears he couldn’t stop shedding.

 

Before he could think his arms both reached for Jonghyun. They reached for Jonghyun's mind and wanted to control it… He wanted him to stay forever. It reached for his body… He moved closer to the hyung who was about to leave him alone forever.

 

“Don’t leave,” Kibum could hear himself whispering, even though he probably just imagined it. His arms finally reached Jonghyun. They were longing for his embrace. He held around Jonghyun’s strong waist, just the way Jonghyun had held him the first time they kissed.

 

“Kibum… it’s over…-“

 

“No! Jonghyun, no! Just… just let me hold you…”

 

“You’re the one who said you only wanted a professional relationship with me, Kibum… No emotional instability, right? You’ve said that all along… So why are you crying right now, trying to hold me as if you really care for me? I’m sorry I ruined the view you used to have on SHINee… but you’re being ridiculous. What we had never meant anything.”

 

Jonghyun slowly moved his hands towards Kibum’s fingers, and rested them there for a split second – before fiercely trying to remove them from his waist. Kibum did as he wanted and removed his hands from his waist and then moved them up to his muscular shoulders to turn him around so he could face him.

 

“One last time…” Kibum held his body in his arms again. He didn’t feel vulnerable like that. He was holding his hyung, protecting his hyung… He was embracing his hyung. He wouldn’t let him go. He would never let him go. He would hold on to that feeling, until it faded away.

 

Jonghyun was standing still. He wasn’t moving as Key was holding around his steady body. Kibum almost trembled as he felt Jonghyun’s panting against his neck. Was Jonghyun giving in? Kibum wanted to smile, but all he could do was close his eyes and sigh. His entire face was wet.

 

“Let me go,” Jonghyun ordered, trying to press Kibum’s body away from his. He progressively used more power, trying to escape. It was obvious to Kibum. Jonghyun wanted to get away from him, but no matter how much he fought Kibum’s embrace – Kibum still felt welcome there, in the dark bedroom with his love placed in his arms.

 

“Just one last time,” Kibum’s hot tears was still pouring down his face and staining Jonghyun’s dark blue hooded sweater as they coldly hit his neck and poured down his warm, beautiful skin. He was wearing the sweater his girlfriend had given him. Kibum already knew. There was no need to say it out loud.

 

Jonghyun’s face was close to his. Too close… Kibum could smell him clearly again, just as he had done lying on his bed. It made him dizzy… and sleepy. He couldn’t think clearly, yet he felt as if everything made more sense than ever. He smiled, with tears still lingering in his dark eyes.

 

A quiet melody was playing in Kibum’s head. It was as if Jonghyun was singing to him. It was wonderful, the way Kibum’s lips connected with his, for the last time. Jonghyun wasn’t fighting it, just for a moment. A wonderful, short moment… He kissed his soft lips softly, while he stayed frozen in his grasp.

 

Kibum’s tears spilled over on his warm skin. He wanted the kiss to be real; he wanted it to feel real. He wanted Jonghyun to kiss him back, just like before. But Jonghyun wasn’t joining in on his beautiful fantasy; he had left a long time ago. The arms he had wrapped around Jonghyun’s waist was slowly letting go, as he couldn’t get himself to continue the kiss anymore. It was cold… his throat hurt.

 

“Stop it, Kibum… Just let me go,” Jonghyun tried again, this time succeeding to get away from him. He was looking straight into Kibum’s swollen eyes. His wet eyelashes created shadows on his high, defined cheekbones. Every time he blinked a new tear fell down.

 

Kibum turned around, this time to leave him for real. He couldn’t handle looking at Jonghyun like that anymore, when he knew nothing would change what had happened. It was dark outside. Kibum felt that the time was right. Everything started coming together. His feelings, his thoughts and his memories – they would soon be forgotten.

 

“Do you love her?” Kibum whispered, and looked over his shoulder at his beautiful hyung standing in the middle of the bedroom looking frozen. Kibum was quickly starting to dry his tears with his hands. He felt stupid. He thought if he removed the tears it was like he removed every depressing memory in his life.

 

“I… I do…” Jonghyun took a deep breath.

 

Kibum left. He didn’t know why he had asked, but he wished he hadn’t. Although he already knew, it still made him hurt more than he had imagined hearing him say it out loud.

 

He flew past cars, people and buildings as fast as his legs would let him. The smiles on their faces could not reach him, the laughter was too loud to take in. His lungs hurt. His tears was flowing down his face, his blood was rushing through his veins.

 

He wanted to go to the park where they had spent their last summer day together. He could still remember the sweet smell of his cologne, gentle hands around his waist ... the strong feeling of happiness. It was all gone now. There was nothing to hold on to, nothing to keep him back. This time he knew, it would never happen again. It was over.

 

As he was entering the park, his footsteps slowed down. He inhaled the cold air, it slowly calmed him down. Everything was pitch black but the lights from the bridge and the houses surrounding the park. No stars. Their faces, the laughter was all gone.

 

He knew that once he reached the bench it would be all right. The park was dead silent, all he could hear was the distant sound of cars. The trees stood around him like dark, tall statues, their leaves blowing in the wind. He could see the bench in the distance, lighting up with the glow from the moon. As he was slowly nearing the bench he reached his hand into his side pocket. Out of the pocket came a small white box. He held the box tightly in his palm, sitting down.

 

Kibum stared down at it, gently opening the cap. He felt numb, his head blank. He emptied the containts in his hands. Pills, sleeping pills. How many should he take? Would 15 be enough? Should he just take the whole bottle? He didn't want to take any risks. He decided to take the whole bottle, and use the container to get some water from the river to flush them down with.

 

He placed one pill on his tongue, swallowing it. Then he took another pill and did the same. Soon he had swallowed the whole bottle. He looked down at his watch, 15 minutes had gone by. He felt lightheaded. He once again reached his hand into his pocket, revealing yet another bottle of pills. He slowly opened the cap, his vision was blurred. This time he took three pills at a time, going slower than before. He felt a weird sensation, it was almost overwhelming. A sense of happiness. A sense of freedom.

 

The bottle was empty. He had stopped crying. It was so cold. He closed his eyes and tried to keep warm. In the distance he could hear a soft voice. It was singing. He was certain it was him, no voice could ever sound as soft. Key started humming, a small smile on his face. The voice was coming closer. He opened his eyes, and before him he could see him. He was glowing, his eyes smiling. He was reaching out to him. Kibum spread his arms, looking up at his beautiful lover. He stood up as Jonghyun finally reached him, and wrapped his arms around him.

 

"I love you." He whispered. Key's tears started to fall hot down his face. He was happy. He looked at his face with a small smile as he realized: it was over.

 

~

 

Jonghyun was rushing through the busy streets of Seoul in his car. After Kibum had left, he had realized that he had acted like a complete jerk, not even knowing why. So now he was just driving. For some reason his thought kept on coming back to the time they had sat by the water together, on the dark green bench.

 

He had arrived by the place where they had once been together as lovers. he felt as if something, a force, had made him come here. He remembered several years ago, they had been nothing but Kim Jonghyun and Kim Kibum, two normal teenagers. He closed his eyes and allowed the breeze to hug him gently as he smelled the cold winter air.

 

He walked through the park, all these memories warming his heart. He had to remind himself why he was here: to look for Kibum. A fear was slowly settling in his body, making him feel nauseous.

 

Suddenly he noticed a silouette on the far bench near by the water. His stomach dropped. He ran over, panicking, screaming.

 

"K-Kibum...? Is that you?! Kibum?!" He stopped a few feet from the bench and slowly made his way around it. Fearing the worst. It was a man, he seemed to be asleep.

 

"Please let it be him..." He whispered.

 

He placed a hand on the man's shoulder. He was freezing. His head was turning downwards facing the ground and his hoodie was covering his face. It was hard to see because of the darkness. He shook the man. There was no response.

 

"Excuse me? Are you awake?" He released the man. Then he noticed the boxes on the ground. He reached down and grabbed one of them. It was empty. He wasn't able to see what kind of pills they were.

 

"Did he...?" Jonghyun took his hand, and pulled the hoodie off the man's head. It was Kibum.

 

The world stopped. There was nothing left except Jonghyun's racing heartbeat and Kibum's lifeless body. Everything had crumbled down on him, making him weak.

 

He cried out in pain. Clenching his chest. His legs gave out, he fell on his knees.

 

"Kibum..." He sobbed.

 

Jonghyun started reaching his hands out towards Kibum, as if he was trying to save him. One last time, he wanted to hold him in his hands. He wanted to feel Kibum's warmth before it dissapeared completely and never could be felt again. He wanted to be close to him, so he held around his shoulders and used all his power to lift him closer. He was holding him in his arms again, embracing him for the last time.

 

"I love you."  He whispered and released his tears.