There was snow on the ground. The wind was cold and unfriendly as it against his chin. The sky was white with snow. Far away he could see cars; they had an almost unearthly feel to them as they were forcefully moving quickly along the road.

 

His eyesight was becoming blurry. His hands were numb from the cold, and he could barely feel his legs. Where did those voices come from? They were furious… Just like He had been. Kibum wished they would just go away. He wanted to be alone so he could think. Just for one second.

 

He had stopped walking long ago; he just stood there, waiting for the right moment. Then again, why should he wait? Nothing was going to stop him. He had left his phone at home. Nobody knew where he was. But yet, there was something holding him back.

 

He noticed small droplets of red on the ground. He reached his hand up to his face. A nosebleed. He pulled a white handkerchief from the front pocket of his black coat and tried to stop his bleeding. When it stopped he moved along the fence and sat down at one of the benches near the clear, black water. He wasn't going to sit for long. Just a couple of seconds.

 

Seconds turned to minutes, minutes turned to hours. Soon it was morning. He stood up and went through the park. It had stopped snowing hours ago. The sun was coming up from its sleep. The only thing that remained the same was his feelings. But he had been unable to do anything. And now it was too late. He would just try again tomorrow.

 

He had decided to go home. The roads were packed with cars and laughing children ready for work and school. He hoped that Taemin had already gone to school so that he could have some time for himself, and not be bothered. Before him, he could see their apartment.

 

 "K-Kibum hyung, where have you been…?!" A worried voice reached him thorough the hall. He decided not to answer.

 

"Did you make any coffee?" He finally said after not having said a word in hours. His voice sounded hoarse and exhausted, just like he was feeling.

 

A nod. "Um ... Yes, I did. It's by the table if you want some," he was looking at him. It seemed like he'd just woken up, he looked so tired. His face was swollen and pale. Kibum poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down by the table.

 

"Did you sleep well?" Kibum asked. His voice was flat as he stared at his coffee. His hands were slowly getting warmed by the cup.

 

"Hyung~ ..." Taemin began. Kibum couldn't look at him. "Hyung, what's wrong?"

 

"Did you sleep well?" Kibum tried again.

 

Taemin hesitated.

 

"Yes."

 

"Good." He said with a small smile. Wasn't it time for Taemin to go to school? Kibum was still looking at his cup, but he could feel Taemin's worried stare from the other side of the table.

 

After what seemed like several minutes Taemin asked: "Where were you last night? Hyung, I was worried about you. You just suddenly disappeared… Jinki said you had just run through the door, but he wouldn't tell me why. What happened?"

 

"Aren't you supposed to be at school?" Jinki came through the kitchen door; his small eyes were closed as he was rubbing them with his hands.

 

"Who are you talking to?" He asked, smiling. He opened his eyes gently and looked down at Taemin. When he realized Kibum was there, his smile disappeared in an instant.

 

"Where the hell have you been!?" His expression suddenly turned harsh as he stared at Kibum with pure disbelief. Taemin raised his head and looked up at Jinki with his eyes wide open.

 

"We all were worried sick about you! You can't just run away like that! Don't we mean anything to you? Didn't you even think about telling any of us where you were!?" Kibum had never seen Jinki that angry before. He swallowed his answer and looked at the ground.

 

"I tried calling you a million times! Why didn't you pick up the phone?"

 

"I didn't bring my phone ... I-I ..." Kibum was stuttering quietly as his eyes were moving quickly from side to side, unable to find a place to rest.

 

"You what..!?"

 

"Nothing ..." Kibum’s expression suddenly changed and he stood up and walked towards the sink to put his cup there. He heard Jinki’s loud footsteps coming towards him. He took a glimpse over his shoulder to look at his hyung. Their eyes locked. At that moment, it was as if Jinki realized. He stopped.

 

“Taemin, you should leave,” Jinki wasn’t requesting. Taemin got up from his chair instantly and left them behind without looking back. Key could hear Jinki’s tired panting as he came closer to him and suddenly placed a worried hand on his tired shoulder.

 

“Kibum… You’re feeling okay now, right?” Jinki whispered, so that only Kibum could hear it. Kibum tilted his head downwards towards the plain floor. He struggled to keep a straight face, but nodded. He wanted Jinki to go away. How could he possibly understand?

 

His knuckles whitened as he clutched the sink, trying to choke his own tears. In his mind he imagined that the person gently patting his shoulder was someone else… He quietly moved his hand away from the sink and up to touch Jinkis.

 

“Just leave me alone,” he said and fiercely removed Jinkis soft hand from his shoulder. He turned around to face him, his eyes looking completely dark and serious as he started walking away.

 

“Yah!!” Jinki shouted at him from behind.

 

“I said leave me alo-…” Kibum was unable to finish his sentence as Jinki grabbed his arm and held him back. “G-get away from me…!” He tried pulling away from him, but was unable to as Jinki put all his strength into keeping him from walking away.

 

Then it happened, all at once. Kibum couldn’t control his feelings anymore. “YAH…!!!” He screamed. Suddenly Jinki wasn’t holding him back anymore. His eyesight turned blurry for a second. Then Kibum looked down at his clenched fist. It hurt. Everything became completely silent.

 

“W-what have you done!?” The magnae’s usually gentle voice was now shouting in complete horror as he ran towards the unconscious Jinki lying motionless on the floor. Kibum noticed hot tears beginning to flow down the young boys flushed cheeks.

 

He could leave now. Kibum could finally leave. He looked away from the scene that he had just caused, and down at the floor at his own feet. Then he closed his eyes and listened to Taemin’s weak voice trying to wake Jinki up. It was better than listening to his own thoughts.

 

“H-hyung…” He heard Taemin’s soft voice whispering as he was on his knees next to Jinki, his wounded face. “Kibum…! What’s w-wrong with y-you!?” It was obvious then that he was crying. He wasn’t trying to hide it. The look on his face as he looked up at Kibum made him unable to respond. 

 

He turned his back on them and without looking back, he headed towards the bathroom. Taemin’s loud sobs could be heard all the way until he reached it and gently closed the door behind him. Their manager was with Minho at practice, just to check on his injury. Taemin wouldn’t call him, right?

 

Kibum quickly locked the door as he heard Taemin’s voice calling his name. Jinki was awake. He was angry. As Jinki was slamming his fists against the door, Kibum sat down on the floor, looking at his reflection through the big mirror.

 

“H-hyung...! Don’t! Don’t do that, you’re not well!” Taemin’s voice was becoming husky.

 

“Kibum, you… you bastard! O-open the door!”

 

“Please, stop it, hyung…”

 

“Taemin, leave! Kibum do you think you’re on your own!? Stop caring only about yourself! Drop that ty act of yours!”

“Yes,” Kibum whispered, to himself only. He laid down on the warm floor, still watching himself. He had huge dark circles under his cat-like and tired eyes. He was like a child again. Memories of his past as a school kid being yelled at and memories of meeting his best friend for the first time flashed before his teary eyes.

 

He was smiling, but it was an odd smile. He didn’t look like himself. Jinki’s yelling had stopped several minutes ago. They were gone. Taemin and Jinki had left him behind, just like they were supposed to. He wasn’t worth their care. All he cared about was himself…

 

The sudden silence reminded him of how tired he was. He got up from the floor and went towards the sink to wash his face. The cold water didn’t wake him up; it only made him feel worse. His headache was increasing, and he didn’t feel like doing anything but sleeping.

 

As he laid down on a soft bed, Jonghyun’s bed, he fell asleep instantly. The door was locked and everything was completely dark and silent. He was breathing heavily, taking in his lost love’s scent for something that felt like the first time all over again. It still gave him goosebumps in his sleep and it made his dreams realistically beautiful.

 

“Kibum… so you’re here,” his big eyes was glistering. Kibum smiled, just like he always did when he met him. It seemed like even though he tried to avoid smiling, he couldn’t help it. Jonghyun was smiling too, in his ordinary yet attractive way.

“I thought I had locked…”

“Don’t worry, I’m just going to quickly change,” Jonghyun smirked and gently touched Kibum’s back to move him closer to the sink so he could get more room to walk past him. He walked towards the bathroom mirror and started fixing his hair, as usual, even though it looked perfect the way it was. At least it did to Kibum.

Kibum turned towards the sink again, to continue brushing his teeth. He could hear Jonghyun breathing calmly as he ped his jeans and started undressing. Kibum looked down at the water pouring down from the clean, slivery sink. It was sparkling. It was the perfect distraction at that moment.

“I’m so tired… Aren’t you?” Jonghyun ruined it. He ruined Kibum’s perfect distraction, and made him turn around. The guy was ing his white, soft shirt, looking down at his own torso as he did it. Button by button he worked his way down, Kibum tried not to stare. He just grinned, and chuckled as if he thought his hyung was doing something funny.

“You’re not tired?” Jonghyun chuckled as well, and looked up at him with a wide grin. He removed his shirt and playfully threw it on the floor next to Kibum’s bare feet. Only his white singlet was left, and his boxers. Kibum sighed loudly, trying to make his hyung stop undressing in front of him. He couldn’t do that, right? It was just wrong…

“I’m not,” Kibum turned to the sink again, and drank water from it. Then he looked at his reflection. He looked pretty good that day. They had just been on an award show. He felt wonderful. Everything was wonderful, and Jonghyun was making his head spin – in a wonderful way…

Jonghyun applied a towel around his hips and walked towards Kibum to stare blankly at the reflection they made together in the mirror. Kibum smiled at him through the mirror, Jonghyun smiled back. He placed his hands around Kibum’s waist.

“We look like a couple,” Jonghyun laughed loudly before struggling to place his chin on Kibum’s shoulder.

Kibum turned his head around to look at him. They were so close. Jonghyun was breathing against his blushed cheek. “Let me in, Kibum,” he whispered.

“Yes,” Kibum turned around to face his hyung. He looked down at his grinning face, his soft hair almost covering his big, brown eyes completely. Kibum closed his eyes, because of the pleasant feeling. Just hearing his voice made him feel calm again.

“Let me in.” Jonghyun kissed him. It felt just like it had the first time. Wonderful, just wonderful. His scent surrounded him completely. He didn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Listen to me, Kibum…”

“Yes…”