A/N: Hello! I am back and with more suffering!!! I might make more extras for this, idk yet. Arbutus is just an extremely special story to me. I invested so much of myself emotionally that it was almost ridiculous lol

Anyways.

This takes place during the time Hanbin stayed with Junhoe in his room. 
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Hanbin seemed to get sicker and sicker as the days passed. Nothing Junhoe did made it better, not the hot water bottles pressed against his body, the blankets tucked around him, the painkillers Junhoe asked their manager to buy, not even the ginger and honey tea seemed to soothe Hanbin’s constantly sore throat.

Some days were better than others – Hanbin had the energy to get up and walk around a bit, he joked with Junhoe, he wasn’t always coughing up flowers that seemed to get bigger and bigger – hell, there was even a time where Hanbin’s smile was genuine and reached his eyes.

(The excitement Junhoe felt when he saw that made him realize just how bad things had gotten. Since when did a smile from his friend become something so rare and so, so much more precious because of it?)

But most of the time? It was bad. Almost horrifyingly bad. There were times Junhoe honestly thought that Hanbin had stopped breathing, when Hanbin, after a bought of coughing, had lain so still and limp over the side of his bed that Junhoe rushed over just to check his pulse.

Junhoe almost wanted to force Hanbin to get the surgery and damn the consequences. What use was a group without their pillar? Who cared about the company and their reputation when his leader was dying because he fell in love with someone who didn’t deserve it?

In those days, Junhoe hated Bobby just a bit more. Even if he knew it wasn’t his fault, even if he knew that love wasn’t something that could be controlled. But how could he feel any different, when he spent day after day taking care of his dying friend? Someone he cared so deeply for, someone who was hovering between life and death all for a boy who couldn’t tell apart friendship and love.

Junhoe was the one who threw out the bags of flowers and blood, he was the one who massaged Hanbin’s sore body, he was the one who made Hanbin’s tea and made sure he was fed, Junhoe was the one watching the life drain out of him.

It was tiring. It was scary. It was something that made his hands shake and the pit in his stomach grow denser and denser as the days passed.

He felt so hollow. He watched as Hanbin refused treatment, as the group tried to ask what was wrong. As Bobby kept trying to talk to Hanbin.

One side didn’t want to talk to anyone and the other just wanted to know what was wrong. Junhoe was torn between honoring Hanbin’s wish and the need to share this pain with the others.

He’d almost wavered once. Just the once. He’d forgotten how gentle Jinhwan could be when he was trying to coax something out of you. The way Donghyuk’s clear eyes would look at you with no judgement. The warmth he’d miss from Chanwoo sitting pressed against him and Yunhyeong’s quiet care. Even the way Bobby didn’t know his own strength and the heavy handed hugs he would give.

Junhoe missed the camaraderie they’d all once shared so freely.

He lost himself in the heady feeling of that want that when Jinhwan asked him what was wrong, Junhoe almost spilled it all. It was only the image of Hanbin weakly begging him to keep silent that snapped him out of it.

Junhoe remembered the hurt looks on s’ faces when he shut down and pushed them away. The guilt almost consumed him as he ran back to his room.

But all that was blown away the moment he saw Hanbin. His friend was curled up underneath the layers of blankets Junhoe meticulously tucked around him, and the circles under his empty eyes strengthened Junhoe’s resolve to never betray Hanbin.

“Hyung,” he whispered, kneeling in front of the bed and gently reaching out to brush Hanbin’s hair behind his ear, “are you feeling better?”

Hanbin closed his eyes, even the motion of shaking his head seemed to hurt. Junhoe swallowed, feeling his eyes prickling with heat.

Junhoe always saw Hanbin as the strongest man he knew. Unwavering, stubborn, with a spine of steel, and a brilliance he refused to dim even in the face of jealousy. To see someone he admired so much be brought down to a shadow of the man he used to be made Junhoe ache.

“If you just get the surgery…” Hanbin rejected it so many times that Junhoe knew it was pointless to suggest, but he couldn’t help himself from trying just one more time.

Predictably, Hanbin shook his head. “No.” He rasped out, a faint shine of stubbornness in his eyes.

Junhoe bowed his head in acceptance. Once Hanbin decided on something, he went through with it.

“Is it worth it?” Junhoe asked, pressing his forehead down on the bed. “Dying for him?”

Hanbin let out a quiet laugh. Junhoe felt gentle hands run through his hair and tilted himself into the touch. “Junhoe,” Hanbin started, “it might seem ridiculous to you, what I’m doing, but to me, keeping this love is so important. I might live if I get the surgery, but what I feel can never be replaced.” Hanbin coughed lightly and Junhoe quickly sat him up to pour little sips of water into his mouth.

Then, Hanbin seemed to sink into himself. He sighed, leaning his head on Junhoe’s shoulders and staring hollowly at the wall.

(That night, he said something Junhoe would never be able to forget. Even when all was said and done, even when Bobby finally got his head out of his and realized what he really felt for Hanbin.)

Hanbin said, “Loving someone is absolute hell. But for him, I would gladly burn to ashes.”

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A/N: 

This is kind of a mess bc I feel like that’s how Junhoe was during this whole debacle. Just ing, all over the place. 

I kind of felt bad for Junhoe the entire time bc he’s stuck watching someone he loves die and he can’t even tell anyone bc he promised them he wouldn’t. And then his friends are trying to help but making it worse bc they don’t know anything. 

Junhoe was stuck in the middle and suffering so much my poor babie. But it’s all gucci now eyyyyy