“Hyung, you have to go,” Junhoe murmured to Hanbin, who was curled up underneath his blankets again. He seemed to be spending a lot of time there, like it was a safe space. 

“I don’t have to,” Hanbin answered back meekly and Junhoe clicked his tongue at his leader. 

“Bobby-hyung specifically asked you to come in person, while he invited the rest of us through the group chat.” Junhoe reached over and tugged the blankets off mercilessly and Hanbin stared up at him, pouting.

“But…” Hanbin trailed off and Junhoe softened at his distressed expression. He sat down next to Hanbin and patted his head soothingly. 

“Bring Jaewon-hyung with you,” he suggested carefully, “I know he makes you feel safe.” Hanbin blushed a little, but nodded in agreement. 

Jaewon was, aside from s, the closest person and confidant in Hanbin’s heart and having him there for Bobby’s pre-release party would be a humongous comfort. 

“I’ll ask him,” he finally agreed and Junhoe cheered in victory. 

“Bobby-hyung would sulk so much if you didn’t show up,” he crowed and Hanbin rolled his eyes, berating his heart for jumping at the thought that he might really be that important to Bobby. 

“Get out, Junhoe! I need to call Jaewon-ie.” Junhoe stuck his tongue out at his annoyed friend and fled the room before Hanbin could throw a pillow at him. 

Hanbin picked up his phone and quickly dialed Jaewon’s number, smiling when his older friend picked up on the second ring. 

“What’s up, Bin?” Jaewon’s calm and fond voice immediately soothed Hanbin’s nerves and he hummed. 

“Bobby-hyung invited me to his pre-release party today at 7, but I don’t want to go alone. Come with me!” Hanbin demanded in a childish voice and Jaewon laughed loudly. 

“Not even a ‘please’? What if I was busy?” Jaewon teased Hanbin over the phone and Hanbin whined. 

“But you’re not! Please come with me, hyung!” Hanbin pleaded, pouting when Jaewon hummed in thought, only doing it to make Hanbin wait impatiently. 

He finally responded playfully, “I guess I’ll go. You even broke out the ‘hyung’, my biggest weakness.” Hanbin cheered and thanked him, hanging up and starting to get ready. 

Bobby would leave a little earlier than the rest of them, since he was the main performer, and the others would follow after.

-

The bass was too loud and there were too many people, their sweaty and heated bodies pressing too close to Hanbin for comfort. Only the familiar arm of Jaewon thrown over his shoulder in a protective hug kept Hanbin from bolting out of the club and into the safety of his van. 

“Let’s go to the stage!” Jaewon yelled in his ear, the music drowning out everyone’s voices until they melded into one huge symphony. 

Hanbin nodded and tugged his hood further over his head, hiding his eyes from the fans surrounding them, his black mask providing extra security. 

The two other members that came with him had already dispersed through the club, Donghyuk on the dance floor and Junhoe wherever the drinks and food were. Jinhwan fell sick and couldn’t come, Yunhyeong staying behind to take care of him, and Chanwoo was still a minor. 

Jaewon and Hanbin huddled next to the little stage in the deeper part of the club, staying near the corner and in the shadows. 

Bobby was standing in the middle of the spotlight, looking absolutely stunning in his sheer, white shirt that was only buttoned up halfway, his bronze and muscled skin on confident display. His light brown hair swept back, sleeves rolled up, and that smoldering gaze made Hanbin’s knees weak. 

Bobby caught Hanbin’s eyes and lit up, a bright grin blooming on his face as he made his way to the duo, bringing Jaewon in for a brief hug before wrapping his arms around Hanbin and pressing their bodies together in an intimate embrace. 

“I’m so happy you made it, Bin!” His warm breath brushed over Hanbin’s ear and he felt himself redden, only able to make a strangled noise of agreement back. 

They stood there, basically cuddling, for minutes before Jaewon cleared his throat, a slightly bemused tone to it. 

Bobby reluctantly separated from Hanbin and looked at Jaewon. “Bobby,” Jaewon pointed behind him, “it’s almost time for you to perform.”

Bobby nodded in thanks and cast one last look at Hanbin before turning around and walking to the center again, making sure everything was in order. 

Jaewon slipped his arm over Hanbin again and asked him teasingly, “What was that about? A new development you haven’t told me, your best friend?”

Hanbin laughed, but it was strained. He could only wish there was something between Bobby and him. “No,” he answered back softly, “it was nothing.”

Jaewon frowned at his downcast tone, but as he was opening his mouth to speak, Bobby’s voice filtered over the club. 

“Hey, everybody, it’s time for the show to begin! Are you ready?!” Bobby yelled and the crowd roared back at him in excitement. 

The show was on.

-

Bobby was like the sun, he burned so brightly and his presence couldn’t be ignored. The crowd revolved around him as they chanted and danced in time with his rap. 

Hanbin swayed from side to side with Jaewon next to him, half-proud that everyone could see his best friend’s brilliance and half-jealous he couldn’t keep it for himself. 

As time went on, Bobby went to his last set and the tension heightened up.

Hanbin could see the people watching Bobby with fervent eyes, ready and more than wanting to devour him. 

Even after he was finished, they all surged around him, desperate to steal some of his attention. Bobby flourished in crowds and this time was no different. He charmed everyone left and right, laughing loudly and smiling beautifully. 

Hanbin stared at him, captivated by Bobby, until Jaewon shook him, snickering in his ear. “Stare any harder and you’ll burn holes in him.”

Hanbin jerked and flushed in embarrassment from getting caught. He ducked his head down and huffed, “Shush, you.” He sent a petulant glare at his friend before turning his gaze right back to Bobby. 

He flinched. A girl had taken Bobby by the arm and dragged him off to the side, happily chatting to him and leaning against him suggestively, head tilted up to him and red lips opened in a sultry smile. 

They must’ve been familiar, because Bobby didn’t shrug off her hands. Instead, he had wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer, ducking their heads together to talk in the loud club.

Hanbin felt his heart ache and a terrible anger flush through him, even as his mind reminded him that he had no right to feel this way. His lips pulled down in a sharp frown as his hands curled into fists. Who was she? What was she to Bobby? Why hadn’t Bobby even come over to introduce her or come back to him?

Hanbin’s vision tunneled until it was just the duo. He almost couldn’t see past the orange lilies and yellow hyacinths that seemed to flood his vision when the girl leaned up closer to Bobby’s ear and trailed her hand down his arm, choking on their sickly sweet scent as they taunted him with who he would never be able to have. 

There was only one thought in Hanbin’s mind.

He had to leave, before his heart broke into un-mendable pieces. He ran from the club, shrugging off Jaewon’s arm and concerned look and darting out the exit, Junhoe hurrying after him when he caught a glimpse of his leader’s grief-stricken face. 

They boarded the van together and Yunhyuk drove them back in silence, his grip on the steering wheel tightening almost painfully when the boy he considered a son started sobbing heartbreakingly, Junhoe desperately trying his best to soothe Hanbin.

Hanbin muffled his harsh coughs, turning his face away from Yunhyuk and hiding behind Junhoe’s protective hold. The yellow chrysanthemums that fell from his heart to his hands was a cruel mockery of comfort, a wickedly twisted kintsugi.

He crushed them in his hands and shoved them into his hoodie’s pockets, taking a deep breath and huddling closer to his taller member. He hid his face in Junhoe’s shoulder and Junhoe pulled him in, sitting with him as Hanbin sniffled pitifully. 

Junhoe had witnessed that little scene between Bobby and the girl when he fled after Hanbin. He had never been more furious in his life, just thinking about the way those two were intertwined with one another made him burn in anger, his grip on his leader tightening protectively. 

A tiny sob came from his leader and Junhoe buried his face in Hanbin’s hair and grieved with him.

-

Hanbin shuffled into his room after Junhoe made him take a shower, slipping into bed lethargically as Junhoe hovered around his room. 

“I’ll be fine,” Hanbin whispered, his voice raspy from his tears. Even with his eyes closed, he could feel Junhoe’s disbelieving gaze and he sighed. “I just want to sleep now. Can you turn off the lights, please?” 

He sounded so small and broken that Junhoe couldn’t refuse him. He flicked the light switch off and closed the door gently, calling out a quiet, “Goodnight, hyung”, before walking into the hallway. 

The door opened and, to his surprise, Bobby stumbled in, looking half-way to being drunk. Junhoe wasn’t feeling particularly kind towards him as he spoke to him sharply, “Why are you back so early?”

Bobby looked surprised at the almost hostile tone and answered hesitantly, “I heard Hanbin left…”

“So?” Junhoe shot back coldly, expression carefully blank. 

“I just… wanted to be with him at least once today,” Bobby said weakly, looking uncomfortable as Junhoe interrogated him. 

“He just went to bed,” Junhoe grunted out, opening the door to his room and entering in. “Don’t bother him.”

The door clicked shut and Bobby stood there, confused and stunned by the anger Junhoe radiated. He shook off the weird behavior and quietly entered Hanbin’s room, sitting next to him and gently patting his head. 

“Bin, you awake?” He asked softly and Hanbin hummed in response. “Why’d you leave so early?”

Hanbin answered him, his voice small and oddly… hoarse? “I got really tired, so Junhoe came back with me.”

But you didn’t tell me that, Bobby thought petulantly. “Oh,” was all he said in response. An awkward silence followed and he shifted. Hanbin and him were never supposed to be awkward, they were beer-and-chicken, the perfect combination. Or at least they were supposed to be. 

“Hyung,” Hanbin whispered, sounding strangled, “I want to go to sleep, can we talk tomorrow?” 

“Oh, sure,” Bobby said, feeling hurt at being dismissed so quickly without an offer to stay the night, like how they usually did. He stood up and stumbled his way to the door, looking back at Hanbin and loitering for a few more seconds before leaving with a quiet, “sleep well”.

As soon as he heard the door shut and footsteps fade away, Hanbin’s hand darted out and pulled his trashcan onto the bed, ducking his face into it as he finally allowed himself to throw up. 

There were more petals this time around, seemingly making up for the stems being smaller and sliding out of his throat easier. 

He almost wished for the long stems back, because the yellow petals filled his mouth and windpipe, choking him alarmingly quickly. 

He heaved again, reaching up and pulling out as many as he could, though they felt like they multiplied two times with every one he threw away. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but when he finished, he was sweating profusely and wheezing for air. 

His trashcan, nearly empty before his episode, was filled to the brim with the most vibrantly beautiful carnations Hanbin had ever seen. Their soft, yellow petals flowed out of the top and down the sides of the metal container as the stems broke off and hung from the side, the heavy bulbs leaning dangerously. 

Hanbin sighed, tying up the garbage bag with trembling hands. He shoved it into his drawer, making a mental note to toss it into the dumpster before anyone except Junhoe saw it. He couldn’t risk another member finding out about his condition. 

The only one who knew was Junhoe and already the group dynamic changed. Junhoe stuck around Hanbin more, hovering over him with the intensity of a mother bear looking after their sick cub, and his relationship with Bobby went from painfully awkward to almost hostile, since he knew Bobby was the source of Hanbin’s pain. 

The group was breaking apart and it was all because Hanbin made the mistake of falling in love with an unattainable person. 

He rolled over and sighed, shaking off his dark thoughts and going back to sleep.

———

Orange Lily: Hatred

Yellow Hyacinth: Jealousy

Yellow Chrysanthemum: Slighted love

Yellow Carnations: You have disappointed me; Rejection

Kintsugi: The Japanese art of mending broken pottery with gold