Hanbin hunched over the toilet, retching for the second time that day. He felt the petals forcing their way up his esophagus and he clawed at his throat, wheezing desperately for air. 

The first flower emerged slowly from his mouth and it was like a dam broke after it hit the water. The flora poured out of him and all Hanbin saw in his teary vision was pink, the gentle color mockingly beautiful.

He sat there, panting in exhaustion with sweat pouring down his forehead, and stared inside the toilet bowl before letting out a hoarse laugh.

Pink camellias swirled around lazily in the red-tinted water, the stems scratching along the inner linings of his soul and throat.

“Of course,” he whispered deliriously, pressing his palm against his spit-slicked mouth to muffle a sob, “Of course.” Longing for you. Two months of hacking up flowers he didn’t want, two months after he had so foolishly fallen in love with someone who would never love him back, two months of him slowly dying from it.

He let out one more ragged breath and shook his head, forcing himself to stand up on shaking limbs and flushing down the evidence of his affection, the camellias disappearing down the drain.

He sniffled and washed his hands and face, making sure to brush his teeth and gurgle mouthwash to rid himself of the sickeningly sweet flavor of the poison he could still taste.

Someone knocked on the door and Junhoe’s loud voice asked him, “Hyung, are you done yet? I’ve been waiting for ten minutes!”

Hanbin cleared his throat and smoothed out his wrinkled clothes before opening the locked door, giving Junhoe a strained smile when the younger’s look of impatience turned to concern.

“You can have the bathroom,” he told him softly, wincing minutely at the pain in his overworked throat. He waved off Junhoe’s worry and started back to his room, calling back with small voice. “I’m going to go to sleep now.”

“…Okay,” Junhoe replied hesitantly and stepped around Hanbin, pausing inside the bathroom while looking at Hanbin’s retreating back. “But it’s only four in the afternoon,” he said to an empty hallway.

-

Hanbin collapsed onto his bed and jumped when he landed on something hard, which gave a grunt in return.

“What the – hyung?” Hanbin asked incredulously when Bobby’s head popped out from underneath Hanbin’s blankets.

Bobby gave Hanbin a sweet smile and Hanbin felt his heart skip a beat, automatically returning it. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you, but I couldn’t find you,” Bobby whined petulantly and the younger melted, reaching over to run his fingers through Bobby’s hair.

The older closed his eyes and hummed, reaching out to drag Hanbin underneath the sheets and against his warm body. Hanbin gulped and felt a familiar tremble in his throat before forcing the urge to vomit more flowers back.

“Hyung…” Hanbin trailed off and Bobby grinned, wrapping his arms around the smaller’s waist and burying his face into Hanbin’s hair.

“I haven’t been able to be alone with you for a while,” Bobby whispered, placing a soft kiss on Hanbin’s scalp. “I missed you.”

Hanbin’s breath hitched and he bit his lip to quiet a pained whimper. Why did Bobby keep doing this? Why did he keep treating Hanbin like he was the most precious thing in the universe, giving him the softest hugs and kisses, yet refusing to acknowledge their blurred line between friends and lovers? Refusing to acknowledge the love Hanbin knew he was absolute garbage at hiding?

He let out a breathless chuckle, hoping Bobby wouldn’t notice his stilted pause. “You know I’ve been busy,” he replied in return and Bobby huffed indignantly.

“I know, but still. Give me attention!” Bobby demanded and Hanbin felt an involuntary smile spread across his face at the childish request.

“Okay, okay,” He cooed out and the older hugged him closer, sighing in contentedness.

They laid together in a comfortable silence, exchanging quiet words, until a soft knock broke through their own little world they had immersed themselves in.

The door opened quietly and Jinhwan’s head peered in, relief spreading across his face when he saw the duo. “Finally! Bobby, I’ve been looking for you!” He scolded and Bobby cocked his head in confusion.

“What for?” He asked the eldest and Jinhwan looked ready to march over and smack him across the head.

“Your meeting with the board that’s today in ten minutes? Ring any bells?” He asked exasperatedly and Bobby flinched, eyes going wide in shock and panic.

“!” He yelped and quickly scrambled out of the bed, looking back at Hanbin with regret. “Sorry, Bin, looks like I’m the one that’s going to be gone for a while.”

Hanbin smiled at Bobby, hiding the sadness in his eyes as he dug his fingernails into his arm to keep himself from begging Bobby to stay. The older had responsibilities and Hanbin didn’t want to face the humiliation of a rejection – even if it was given unwillingly.

“It’s okay, hyung,” he reassured him and waved goodbye at his hovering best friend. “Really, go!” Bobby wavered and Jinhwan clearing his throat sharply made him groan in frustration.

He pointed at Hanbin and vowed, “We’re going to get alone time if it’s the last thing I do!” Bobby ran out of the door and Jinhwan leapt out of his way before shaking his head when a yelp came from the hallway as Bobby accidentally ran into one of their members.

“What a mess,” Jinhwan snorted softly and Hanbin laughed fondly in return, nodding in agreement. “He’s lucky we love him,” Jinhwan added as an afterthought and the younger felt his mirth dry up as quickly as it had come.

“…Yeah,” he replied, quieter this time and averting his eyes to the space next to him where Bobby had occupied, the warmth already disappearing as if it was never there. Jinhwan left and closed the door on his way out, leaving Hanbin lying on his bed and alone with his thoughts.

“But, I think I love him a little too much,” Hanbin whispered out loud and closed his eyes, pulling the blankets over his head and burrowing into a safe cocoon, where he would stay for the remainder of the day waiting for someone that never came back.

———

Pink Camellia: Longing for you