When did I even start loving you? I always asked myself that question whenever I had time to myself and I was alone in my room, gazing at the blank ceiling. Blank, as blank as I have felt the times I have tried to bring myself to tell him what I feel. Blank as an unwritten page that should be filled with words that can express just how much I like him, but words wouldn’t even do those feelings justice.

I am blank when I remember that he is at the apartment in front of mine and that if I walked towards my window, I would be able to gaze at him like a little lovesick girl who still hopelessly stares at her crush even if he has said no. Hansol hasn’t rejected me, he doesn’t even know what he has done to me and it isn't his fault either. I am sure he didn't mean to make his best friend fall for him.

It is a vicious cycle that doesn’t seem like it has an end sight. It may sound dramatic but—the weeks after I realized I had fallen for him weren’t so bad, when months passed it started to become difficult. After years though, it had become unbearable, and it is not like things are bad between us-far from actually. I guess the fact that nothing changed other than beating myself up on the daily is what hurts-that I see there is no way to go from best friend to girlfriend hurts, or at least to let him know how I feel even if we don't date.

That fear of telling him what I feel is what keeps me from opening up, the fear of losing a longtime friendship, the most important one. Yet at the same time, the fear of losing him to someone else is what at times makes me do silly stuff—incredibly silly stuff that can still be masked through my ‘worried best friend’ status. One can’t really fight jealousy on some occasions and especially when your best friend still behaves in all those sweet ways that are the ones that made you fall for him.

Silly jealousy feelings—they really can end up driving you to do ridiculous things.

“And then he suddenly approached me since he is new at the music club, and asked me-'do you need a roommate?', surprising, right?”

Ridiculous things like being outside another major’s faculty after classes are over because I ended up following Hansol just to see how things turned out and if maybe, just maybe, to see if this girl suddenly made him change his mind regarding rejecting her. She was cute after all—so maybe he had a sudden change of heart and thought of giving her a chance? So then I particularly had dragged myself to see my downfall and demise in case it occurred.

“And I was like ‘How would you know I desperately need one?’ but then I found out that this kid is like a social butterfly and girls are all over him--”

That was being as much of a masochist as one can be. I could feel the anxiety taking over me while standing motionless in front of that faculty—How would I explain that I had followed him there? And then- what if I saw him walking arm in arm with that girl? How would I deal with that?

“Lee Hani”

I wish I could either confess or to somehow find a way to lessen this hopeless crush.

“Hani-yah! Are you listening to me?”

When I turned around I remembered that I wasn’t alone, I had dragged Hojung with me because I didn’t want to look like a stalker on my own, but I was so lost on my thoughts- concerned and paranoid that I had forgotten for a split second about that.

“Girls are all over...whom?” I asked as I tried to remember at least part of what he had told me, while  fidgeting a bit as I hoped I hadn’t misheard what he had told me.

“Obviously over Ji Hansol” That did it, I knew for a fact he hadn’t mentioned his name and I couldn’t help myself but to slap his shoulder while feeling ticked off at the mention of that and at the fact that it was indeed true, girls were all over Hansol in a way and that certainly ticked me off, “Yah! What was that hit for?!”

I glared at him, he knew what he had done-and even if most of the time he was really gentle there were times in which he would tease me due to my hopeless crush and knowing how easy it was to get me to snap, “I will give you painkillers if it hurts that much”

“Chill, will you?” Hojung said as he rubbed his arm and gave me a judging look, a look that I was used to getting from people due to snapping rapidly at them, “You are only nice to Hansol”

“Girls are all over whom again?” I asked as I crossed my arms in front of me, trying to go back to the topic he was talking about, I could see he ended up rolling his eyes at my question—I can’t deal with you, Lee Hani, was written all over his face. I guess you can only get on someone’s nerves that much. And I must have got on his a lot to the point he judged me when he normally would be okay and patient with everything.

He sighed in defeat though and answered, “My new roommate”

“Oh”

“And Ji Hansol as well” he added cheekily, only for me to look at him with a murderous glare that made him cough and straighten himself, “Okay-calm down geez, or else he will notice you are dying out of jealousy”

My gaze was fixed on the floor after that, he had a point—it was getting to the point it was going to become so obvious and as though ‘I am in love with you Hansol’ was behind me in a huge neon sign. I sighed, yeah Hojung had a point and this wasn’t helping me with my idea of being quiet regarding my feelings, “I am so going to kill you one of these days”

“You love me, come on Hani”

“Right now I don’t, Ko-Ho-jung”

He just ruffed my hair playfully like he was used to and put an arm around my shoulder, lightly patting it in what felt like an understanding pat and at a ‘I have lost hope on you’ pat, that or an ‘I pity you’ kind of pat, I couldn’t really tell in my anxious state anymore. This should have passed on high school, this should have diminished upon entering college—but no, it just didn’t vanish at all and I had no clear idea of when it would, if ever.

“I can’t believe you decided to stalk Hansol and you are dragging me even” and I couldn’t believe Hojung would be willing to follow me on my craziness just so I didn’t do anything stupid. I knew he would at times tease me and all, but he was a great friend and a really understanding guy that had to just cope with my stuff just because we were really close friends. The three of us were actually but he had to deal with girl stuff because my girl friends weren’t on this college so he just somehow had to deal with it. And I was grateful, even though at times I did believe that my behavior was too much.

However, when I was anxious and paranoid I couldn’t really reason with myself that well, “Hey-It isn’t my fault that he didn’t find the cute future journalist during what was left of our break!” and there I went, trying to justify why I just had to follow him, why I was literally stalking him even though I was sure being with Hojung next to me would make me appear to be less of a stalker than I already looked like. Hansol lives right in front of you, studies in the same college as you do- so just why Hani? Just why?

“And you had to ‘discreetly’ follow him to this faculty? Trust me, just confess so we get this over with” Hojung said as he glanced at the entrance while rubbing the side of my arm, “Calm down, you are trembling” he said as he tightened his grasp slightly to try to make me feel at ease.

“No-plus who understands you? Here you are telling me to confess and in front of Hansol you are literally telling him to not date me” I said as I turned my head to the side to look at him in the eyes so I could properly complain at his really odd way of helping me, he always used to say that as long as it wasn’t me then things would be fine when we were in front of Hansol. And when it came to being brutally and nicely honest with me he would tell me to just open up-seriously, it was difficult to comprehend him at times.

“That’s…” he said and I could hear him tapping his foot on the ground as he seemed to be thinking of the correct words to tell me, “Inverse psychology-it certainly works, so if Hansol decides to date you it will be thanks to my methods”

“Okay, I will go shout at the entrance of the journalism faculty just how much I like Hansol” I said as I quickly walked away from him and up some steps, since inverse psychology seemed to work then he probably could just help me and drag me out of here, which was what I needed the most in that moment.

“Wait!” Hojung ended up rushing my way and rapidly jumped the steps, quickly grabbing me by the shoulders and standing right in front of me as he looked into my eyes, looking at me like I had totally lost it in a split second, “Stop! Where are you going?” I tilted my head to the side and glanced at the door and he rolled his eyes, like it was obvious-and it truly was, “Okay, fine, I will tone down my teasing just don’t screw things up” that was precisely what I was going to do at the moment, screw years of friendship in the blink of an eye.

“Bipolar much?” I teasingly asked.

“Lee Hani who doesn’t date her best friends, listen to me and just chill for a bit okay? Seriously if I wasn’t here…”

“I would most likely be sulking on a corner right now”

“Wasn’t thinking about that but true” I sighed when I heard him say that, it was true-at least because of being with him I was being energetic instead of hiding at some corner on some college hall, or waiting outside while being filled with nervousness and asphyxiating and unbearable feelings of anxiety “You two are making my college life all meh”

“Go get yourself a girlfriend-ask your roommate to introduce you to young 1st year girls” yeah, at least I could have these exchanges so that I wasn’t busy being depressed and sad over something that was never going to happen and thinking about the possibilities of being heartbroken by thinking of my crush with another girl. Truly, this was tons better.

“I love you both, I am fine with you two”

“Then don’t complain”

Time was passing by and I kept checking my phone to make sure how many minutes had passed, probably 30 or so? How long did it take him to reject a girl? Or maybe she had convinced him to go out with her or he had fallen for her at first sight? I had got tired of being standing so I was sitting down on the end of the steps as I had my hands on my cheeks and my elbows resting on my knees, “He still doesn’t come out…”

“He is not going to get lost...maybe not” I heard Hojung say as he was browsing through his phone, I pouted—but what if he actually got lost? After all, this wasn’t our faculty so it wasn’t far-fetched to think of that possibility, ”Hey Hani-Why aren’t you that possessive over me? I am also your best friend