There are times in which you have to say some little white lies here and there, especially when something important is at risk. I’m not justifying the fact of lying because I know doing so is wrong, but when it comes to hiding your feelings from the very person you are in love with… at those times, you just end up even lying to yourself—that you’ll be okay if you don’t confess, that you won’t mind if that person ends up dating someone else and that you are okay with the fact that you are just friends, the closest friends at it, but friends nonetheless.

This was the situation I was living every day while trying to fool myself that I was completely okay with being best friends with the guy I was in love with. And every day since noticing how much I liked him, every single day felt like torture.

“Lee Hani-sunbae!” especially those times that I heard girls calling out to me as I walked alongside the halls of my college and in direction to my classroom. I always had to turn around, put on my best understanding and kind smile while listening to the usual request from different girls on the campus.

“Could you give this to Ji Hansol-sunbae?” was the usual question I would get asked, I would just smile faintly in reply while beating myself up for even feeling jealous at the situation, “Since you are his closest friend… could you?” this girl and many others would innocently ask me, if only they knew that it took me all my strength to be able to hand him those envelopes that contained words full of love, admiration, confessions of their crushing hook line and sinker for Hansol.

“I guess” this was the 4th letter this week, I always thought I may have been a mailwoman in my past life or something because that is what I was being treated as. I sighed as I took the letter in my hand, “I will make sure he gets this letter” I said as the girl standing before me smiled brightly at me while her hopes skyrocketted and mine, mine ended up sinking to the depths of my unrequited love.

“Thank you sunbae! You are so kind!” So kind if I could have scoffed I would have, can you call kind someone who just really wishes she could tell them ‘stay away from my best friend’?

“I can’t assure that he will reply or even show up though” I suddenly blurted out and I almost regretted doing so when the girl standing in front of me opened her eyes wide, taken aback but she quickly recomposed herself.

However, it was true and it wasn’t because Hansol was mean or anything like that, it wasn’t because he enjoyed turning down girls as a pastime—he just had always had a difficult time when things like this happened to him because he wasn’t sure how to respond without seeming cold and so his calm demeanor wasn’t mistaken for coldness.

She tilted her head to the side and looked at me directly into my eyes, her voice soft and calm, “Can’t you convince him?” she asked. I bit my bottom lip and started tapping my foot against the ground, my sneakers making a bit of noise as I nervously wondered what answer to give her.

Sure I could talk him into giving her a reply, that wasn’t a problem. The problem was that later on I would end up sulking somewhere he wouldn’t see me, heartbroken at the possibility of maybe him liking any of those girls back in a romantic way.

“Convince Hansol to reply to a letter? I mean I could but…” and as much as I hate to admit it—why would I want to set him up with a girl that neither him or me know?, “I will see what I can do” I say, knowing I will indeed try to convince him and just eat my pride and try to let go of my jealousy for some moments, “What year?”

“I’m Kang Sunhee from 1st year, journalism faculty!” she replied happily.

“Alright, will tell him a cute future journalist wants him to read this letter full of love” I could hear a giggle in reply to my comment and at the same time, I could feel the start of those ugly feelings of jealousy taking over me—but what could I do? I’m at this point practically Hansol’s personal mailing service and it has been like this since high school.

At times I wish this situation wouldn’t get to me as much but that’s just wishful thinking—I knew I had fallen too deep and it was difficult to go back and pretend I didn’t have any of these feelings. Yet there were times in which I ended up lying to myself that I was okay just so I wasn’t far from him.

Things had definitely changed, it went from me bothering Hansol and even pestering him to answer to the girls who would fall head over heels in love with him, to then at times hiding letters from them just to then feel like a total from holding onto those papers; finally giving up because my subconscious couldn’t stand feeling guilty and handing them over. At some point in time hearing those girls going on and on about how they would confess to him started filling me with anger to the point I would have to excuse myself so I didn’t blow up. “Don’t even get close to him!” I wanted to shout at them, yet it would be uncalled for—I mean they had the right to confess to him and he had all the freedom to choose if he wanted to date any of those girls or anyone else for that matter. Yet it started to hurt, whenever I would see him reading those letters and then standing up so he could go and talk to every single one of those girls it felt like my heart was being broken in half, the anxiety that I felt in those moment was unbearable. It hurt and I felt like I was going to die every time. Dramatic much? I know. 

Yet why wasn’t I doing anything about it? I guess I just didn’t want to be one more in the “list of girls who Ji Hansol has kindly rejected”, and from being best friends to then being rejected… yeah, I didn’t like the sound of that.

I reached my classroom and found Hansol sleeping over his desk, arms crossed over the surface and his head resting over them; I could barely see his face because his brown almost hazelnut colored hair was all over his face. There was an hour break in our schedule and today it seemed he had decided to make use of that hour sleeping. His backpack was on the ground, carelessly open and his books were scattered on the floor near his desk, his headphones resting over them. I rolled my eyes at the sight and headed towards his desk, passing the rest of desks on that line until I reached his. 

“Why do you leave your stuff just like that…?” I said in a whisper as I kneeled down and started to pick up his books and the rest of