KO HOJUNG

“Lee Hani, who doesn’t date her best friends-give me a week” it came off sounding as nothing but ridiculous, at times even I wanted to laugh at the silly things that escaped my lips at that moment-things I said in an attempt to get her thoughts out of that hopeless crush she had. A crush which I thought could even be probably reciprocated if both of them let their walls down, “give me 1 week-try fake dating your best friend for a week” yet I could still hear myself saying that, I couldn’t help remember the many times I teasingly told her to date me.

I didn’t even know why I did it, if I meant the words I said-or if I just only didn’t want to see her sulking around because of the one-sided feelings she felt. To be quite honest, I wouldn’t even know what I would do if she suddenly agreed to my silly idea-if I heard her agree to it on a whim. But when I look around and see scenes like Hansol hugging Hani, wrapping his arms around her and resting his head over hers like she was the only place he felt safe at, like she was the definition of home to him-that is the moment in which I can’t help but to tell her to date already, to confess and get this over with.

And that as well is a type of moment in which probably the depths of my mind are wishing for me to experience something like that myself. To feel something similar to what I saw reflected on that embrace.

She was always loud, always giving sassy replies when the circumstances allowed her to make use of her wit and her quick thinking- and also, her way of bantering with me whenever I would for my own enjoyment. Maybe I did it to see her react in unique ways, in ways that weren’t her behaving like a hopeless lovesick girl who can’t voice her feelings and let them be known to the world and especially, to the guy she was head over heels in love with. It was enjoyable to see her react in ways unique to the bond we had and that I hadn’t ever seen in other occasions, in ways I hoped belonged only to the type of bond we shared.

The type of bond we shared that could only be defined as that of best friends, nothing more to it and no need to think about it any further, I guess.

After having parted ways with Hansol for the time being, we decided that it would be a good idea to drop by the supermarket to buy groceries for dinner later on at night, “Hey Hojung” she said as she was leaning slightly forward and looked at the refrigerator that held different types of fruits inside it, from red berries to grapes, cherries and tangerines among other fruits that were on display for all customers. However, her hands stopped just where I thought they would—I knew her too well to know that she was going to pick up that one fruit that reminded her of him, “Would it be okay to take some strawberries home?” she asked me as her hands fell on a package filled with them, red, juicy and delicious looking. She surely had made sure to have picked the best ones just for him, as though it was a present from her to him just to make him the happiest.

“Well I thought we were going to have dinner” I casually replied as I grabbed a package of them myself and smiled at her as I held it in my hands while showing it to her, “These look good too by the way” I commented.

I could see a faint shade of pink coloring her cheeks at the time and I couldn’t help but to ruffle her hair in an attempt to bring her mind back to the current moment since I already could tell where it had drifted off to- on whom it was currently, “He will like them come on” I said.

She blinked many times, her eyelashes batting rapidly as she did, mouth slightly agape as her hands visibly slightly trembled at the mention of Hansol, ”C’mon Hani, I know why you are picking them-I can figure you out quickly” I proudly declared, if there was something I had come to know in all the years I knew those two was just how different she behaved in front of Hansol and in front of me and the way at times nervousness attacked her when she was being caring when thinking about him.

“I am going to murder you” she threatened with a glare.

“You love me” I was sure she did, not in a romantic way though-that was crystal clear and I knew it. At times I didn’t know how to feel regarding that, neither regarding her. I only knew that she had been in love with Hansol for years and there was no way to hide that or to even consider that it would change any time soon—unless she magically stopped liking him, and that was not likely to happen.

“I swear if I didn’t like you enough you’d be dead by now” she commented while taking the package of strawberries from my hands and placing them carefully alongside the rest of the groceries in the cart.

“You’ll never find another best friend like me” I said as I began pushing her forward, eager to be done with this shopping business so we could go and prepare dinner. Or well, for her to prepare dinner since she was the one in charge of cooking over at her place—which could also be considered in a way Hansol’s place since she cooked for both of them.

The visit to the supermarket came to an end after getting all the ingredients needed for the dish she was going to cook for dinner and of course, for dessert in the case she made it after insisting on getting those strawberries. We decided to head to her place before it was too late and so that she could cook everything in time, “Hey Hani”

“Um?”

“Are you feeling more at ease after the incident with that girl?”

She looked at me and shrugged but I could tell that she still felt worried about it, especially since we hadn’t really found out what had happened and had only inferred that the girl whom Hansol had talked to had been turned down by him. Surely there would be time to talk about it, but there was a bit of curiosity that was pestering me at the time—just what was so bad to the point that girl snapped at us so badly? And even ask us ,out of all the people in the world, if we were dating when that was something really unlikely to ever happen, “I guess I’ll get over it” she said as we walked towards the bus stop so we could head to her place.

“You don’t have to be so nice all the time, Hani” I suddenly said, making her stop just a few meters away from the bus stop and quickly turn around, fixing her gaze on me before furrowing her eyebrows and shaking her head no rapidly.

“Not like I am nice, I just can’t call her out on that—what if rumor reaches Hansol and he finds out I like him?” she sighed, always putting him before herself and before her own feelings. Sure, I wasn’t able to clearly understand how that felt--having to be extra careful of what you said because of rumours and things of that kind, but I at times told myself that it would be the best thing to ever happen to Hani. That if someone told Hansol that she was in love with him then he would maybe also like her back and if that would make her finally be happy-wouldn’t that be ideal?

I took some steps forward and sat down at the bench to await for our bus to show up, “Wouldn’t that be the best scenario?” I asked as she stood still, her gaze fixed on the floor as her mind was lost most likely in the many different outcomes something like that could have on her life.

It took her some minutes to speak and finally look into my eyes, “Of course not! Many years of friendship would go down the drain—just no”

“If I got paid every time I heard you say how awfully wrong things would go if Hansol found that you liked him then I would already be a millionaire” I teased.

“Are you mocking me?”

“Nope, just telling you the truth” I turned my head to the side and saw that our bus was coming close to our stop, “And let me repeat, confess already” I told her as I stood up and took some of the bags she was carrying from her hands.

“No” she said as she glanced at the bus coming ever closer to us, “We should leave”

I insisted though, “Have you ever thought about what would actually happen if you did?” I asked as we exchanged glances while the only thing we could hear at the moment was the sound of the vehicle stopping right in front of us.

“Yeah, would be rejected” she answered as she turned around on her heels and stepped forward to board the vehicle.

“Hani”

“What if Hansol likes you?” her hand stopped at the door of the bus, she froze for some seconds before stepping inside it as I followed closely behind, “What if he does like you?”

“That’s not possible…” she said under her breath as she looked for an empty seat for us both to sit.

“Hey—it’s not like it would be impossible to fall for a girl like you” I suddenly blurted as I saw her sitting down and I did the same. What I said took me by surprise, but it wasn’t that strange to think that Hani was the type of girl who you could easily crush on. At that moment, I really thought that falling for her wasn’t something close to impossible, but I corrected myself before it sounded like a weird kind of confession, “I mean—come on you aren’t that bad”

“Gee thanks” she said with a sarcastic laugh accompanying her words.

“That was a compliment” a little push on her shoulder to try to let her know I was not being rude to her at all and to let her be aware that what I said was but a friendly comment. But there was something in me, something that told me to reassure her of everything, “It wouldn’t be difficult to fall for you really”

“Really?”

The moment she asked me that, I had a real difficult time trying to come up with what to say to her--it wasn’t like I was the one who was supposed to fall for her, it wasn’t like it was on me to find out if what I was saying was one hundred percent accurate and she was in fact easy to fall for. I couldn’t fall for her despite all the teasing about dating--I couldn’t like one of my best friends like that, much less the girl who was in love with my other best friend.

So I decided to do the first thing that occured to me, which was to think about the reasons why Hansol would like her rather than the reason why I thought it would be easy to like her,“I think that after just how much you care for him… it wouldn’t be illogical to think that he could like you” talking about her feelings and Hansol’s seemed easier at the time. Plus maybe I was correct, after all, actions speak louder than words and that hug they shared told me that it could end up being mutual, “Maybe he is struggling just like you”

And it wouldn’t be far-fetched to think that Hansol was either struggling with his feelings with that invisible wall Hani had built around herself to not be hurt by rejection. Or that he just simply didn’t notice.

“That’s wishful thinking…”

“I swear I am going to spill the beans one day and let him know”

“You really wish for death on a regular basis don’t you?”

I couldn’t help but to laugh at her constant threats though, “I wish to see my two best friends happy”

“I don’t really think he can like me that way”

“Are you really that insecure?” I asked, her expression turned into a concerned one that didn’t allow me to tell what was making her feel like that. Was she insecure about herself? About Hansol’s feelings? About her own? Or about the whole idea of dating him? But at that moment, something clicked-something I saw and wanted to show her. Something she had probably failed to notice and that I thought she should see, “Hani”

“Tell me?”

“Look that way” I said while placing my hands on her shoulders and making her turn slightly around so she could face the window, I got a bit closer to her and placed my head on top of hers, “Do you see the reflection?”

“Y-yeah”

“Now, see this” I wrapped my arms around her and I could see in the glass how her eyes widened as she saw me doing that, “That is how you two looked like when Hansol hugged you”

Or at least, that is what I wanted to believe-of course she looked more like she was melting rather than completely startled like she was right now. They obviously looked like two lovebirds who had just got together, “If he wasn’t at least a bit into you, then he wouldn’t have done that” she was slowly trying to gaze another way but I made her lift her chin slowly and look