OST : "On Bended Knees" by Boys II Men


What she did, in the end, was walking past him through the door. He called her name, but she didn’t respond. Seo Hyeon didn’t want to talk to him at that moment. She wanted to put a distance between them. As far as she could. She couldn’t really understand him. She couldn’t really understand herself.

What was it that they had, actually? A relationship? No. They never started anything officially. Friendship? Those texts for six years could pass for acquaintances, but not friendship. Surely, friends supported each other more than that. He was with someone else. Others. She had her share of relationships too.

What was it that they had?

Love.

Her heart answered truthfully, as she closed the elevator on Yong Hwa, as he screamed, “Please! Don’t go! You just got better!”.

There was love between them that year in that reality show. They were young, they were innocent, and they were in love with each other. She remembered vividly feeling drawn to Yong Hwa. Feeling flattered with all of his attentions, all of his efforts to make her open her heart. She was smart enough to differentiate sincerity and acting. She knew, she could swear that he was sincere, all the time.

Was she wrong then, to fall in love with him? She who previously was still a child despite her age and her alluring figure that was said to seduce her fans already? How could she not? How could she not fall for him?

It was her first time to open her heart for a man. Jung Yong Hwa was her first everything. He made her saw life in a new light. In his eyes, she saw a man who was captivated with her, for her, Seo Joo Hyeon, not Seo Hyeon, the star on stage.

And then the show ended. And his flood of attention stopped abruptly.

To describe her pain was impossible. She felt like trash, thrown away and forgotten after she was used.

She had blamed herself to fall for him. Blamed herself to be carried away by a stupid show.

Why then, did he have to come to her? Why did he have to bring back all of the crushed wishes of a girl who tried to bury and forgot everything?

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Yong Hwa ran down through the stairs. She lived on the third floor. But when he stood downstairs, she was nowhere to be seen. Left or right? Goddammit, left or right?

He just put a wild guess and ran to the left.

He finally saw Seo Hyeon walking quickly at the end of the street.

“SEO HYEON!!! Stop! Seo Hyeon! You just got better!” he was screaming in Korean and people were staring at him but he didn’t care.

Because whether she was not listening or she refused to listen, Seo Hyeon still went down to the subway.

Yong Hwa chased her down.

How many trains were there? If she entered one and I couldn’t see which one……

A lot of people blocked his way, cruelly separating him from her. If crying could solve anything, he wanted to cry right there, begging God to not let her leave him.

Maybe God answered his prayer.

By the time he saw her back again, a train had just arrived and she went in. He went in from a different compartment, but it was better than nothing. It was almost lunch time and the train was crowded. He had to say sorry to a lot of people to give him way until he could arrive in the compartment where she was standing.

She saw him, not surprised in the least for seeing him there. But she moved back to a corner, where he couldn’t reach him. The compartment was packed enough as it was. So he could only just stand there, as she turned around and refused to see him.

But he could already see that she was crying again. Seo Hyeon was crying in a public subway train, all because of him.

She got out at the fourth stop. Where the hell were they, he didn’t really know, what he knew was one thing, he didn’t want to lose sight of her.

But somehow, she managed to get out before him, walking past him and up the big stairs out from the subway station.

He felt like he’s going to collapse from fear. From this suspense of not being there beside her, not knowing what she would do, where she would go.

He lost her.

When he finished squeezing out from people, racing up the stairs, she was there waiting for him.

Her cheeks were damp from tears as he ran for her, and when he finally, finally did, he took her hand and closed it in a death grip.

“Ask me that question too” she requested, her voice was far from steady but she sounded like she knew what she was doing.

His respiratory system hadn’t come back to normal, but he managed a “Which—one?”

“The last question I asked you”

Seo Hyeon could see terror in his eyes, but he mouthed it anyway, “Did you—“ he heaved, “sleep. With them all?”.

“I did…….with Jung Mo Oppa…..”

His universe, for a moment, turned upside down. People seemed to mock and jeered at him. Everything was black and far between. The air, instead of giving life, poisoned and murdered him.

Jung Yong Hwa stood in the middle of a noisy, busy place in England, facing Seo Joo Hyeon.

It was apparently, only a span of time of one inhale of breath.

Her revelation sent such a massive blow that it felt physical.

When everything was relevant again, he was still standing there gripping her hands. She was looking at him with a pale face, red, wet eyes, waiting what he would do next.

Shoulders sagging, he led her to the walls, where people stood in line for their trains or people who would pick them up. Hardly an ideal place to talk. But it felt essential to hear everything then and there.

“Why Hyeon……why did you do that? Tell me”

“Because…..he loved me. He wanted me. He was there whenever I felt down. He was there…..when I missed you. So I gave him what he really wanted…..you were out of reach anyway……..”

For one moment, he realized her expression. She was feasting with his pain. She relished every seconds of his misery as he listened to her.

“Did it make you happy?”

One seconds, two, three, and tears started to fall out from her eyes again.

“No…….no, I didn’t. I felt guilty. I felt dirty. I regret it the second we finished……I cried” she sobbed, “I cried and cried for days…….”.

“I thought…..I thought it would stop me from thinking about you. I thought—I thought it would make me love Jung Mo Oppa the way I love you…….I was wrong. Oh my God, I was wrong! All of these years, like an idiot, I still have you in me…..”

Had he didn’t have his hands on her, she would’ve fallen from her grief.

“He…..he said we should stop a week after that. He said I still have feelings for you”

“Jin Woon?”

Seo Hyeon shook her head, “Once was enough. I’ve never slept with Jin Woon until we broke up”

Yong Hwa looked at her, feeling her shaking from sadness.

“Have you seen now, Oppa? Are you satisfied? Have you seen now how much I love you?”

“I love you too. I really, really do, Hyeon”

“Then why? Why did you leave me feeling deserted? With no words? Why you can be with those girls and not with me?”

“Because people were watching us. Too many people were looking at us. Because I don’t feel I could give all the attention you deserve as I run from one schedule to the next…..I felt—I felt, I couldn’t give you all of me…..not then. Not when I—“

“Not when you’re not ready to tie yourself with me?” she cut him straightly.

“Yes. For all the wrong and right reasons. Yes”.

“But you were with them! Why were you able to be with them but not with me?”

“I didn’t really give them all of me. They were—there, when I was lonely. When I need somebody to be with me. When I needed comfort. When I remember you”

“But Shin Hye unnie is like us too!”

“With Shin Hye, it was only once. We didn’t have a relationship actually. We were friends, we met up, we were drunk and then it—happened”.

She looked at him. Trying to analyze all the feelings closing in on her.

“I made a lot of mistakes. I do. Maybe I don’t deserve you anymore. I don’t know if I ever did. But I’m going to keep begging you. I think, Hyeon, I’m willing to do anything. To make you forgive me. To make you open your heart to me. To give me a second chance”

She wept.

“Oppa…..I—wish I could give you back all the pain I felt. I wish I could have my revenge. I wish—I wish I could say no……..”

It took some time for him to digest what she said. Until he realized he had hope after all.

“I hate you so much for all those years you made me suffered. But then……but then when I see you again….I know I want to hold on to you. I know what I want, Oppa. I’m sure of it. And maybe I’m stupid. Maybe I have no pride. But I want to be with you”

“Really?”

She nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes”

“But everything I did to you was……”

“Terrible. Yes. But then—what? You’re here, Oppa. Why are you here? Why did you come all the way here?”

“Because I— need to make you see, need to make you understand that I love you. And I—want to feel like I did back then. Happy. Blessed. Content”

“I could give you a hard time. I should. I mean,” she stopped for strength, “What do you think I am? To be left when you don’t feel like it. And you come here when you think you can. I’m not some disposable thing you could use and throw away. But I guess you know that, right?”

“I do”

“And what would I get from giving you a hard time? It would give me revenge. But then….that would be all”

Yong Hwa stood motionless in front of her.

“Say something. Help me make up my mind”

“Seo Hyeon. Seo Hyeon…..forgive me. Give me a chance Hyeon, I beg you…..”

His eyes were holes of misery. It was as if her answer could bring him to heaven or hell.

For one moment of uncertainty, they were two lost people.

She didn’t answer.

She only took his hand and led him down the stairs. Back home.

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