He felt like his heart pounded too fast as he ran to the direction of her place. He didn’t know what she did, how she could disappear like that. Maybe she had taken a taxi. She was not there when he arrived. He ran down again and searched the entire block. She was nowhere. He walked back to her place and called her. The tone went on and on until she rejected his call. He tried again and again until she turned off her phone.

She didn’t come home that night. And it drove him mad. He couldn’t sleep a wink, their last conversation replaying in his mind. As the hours went by, his fear for her was increasing.

Where are you? Are you alright? Are you still crying? Will you forgive me?

***************************************

She knocked her own door a little before 7 AM. He jumped and swung the door opened. She stood in front of him, pale as a sheet.

“I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry, Hyeon”

She said nothing, just walked in, and threw herself on the couch.

“Where have you been?”

“A friend’s place”

“A girl?”

“You don’t need to know that” she answered coldly.

“Seo Hyeon…..”

She stood up and went to the shower.

He was thinking of what he should do. What he could do to make her feel better?

He decided to make some toast and was almost done when she called him.

“Oppa?”

“Yes?” he answered back from the kitchen.

“Oppa? Come here please”

He found here sitting on the toilet, massaging her temple.

“Oppa, I feel sick”

He felt her forehead. “Oh my God! You have fever!”

“I guess, no school for today……”

“Don’t even think about school!”

“Please help me to bed. After sleeping, I’ll be okay”

He held her and led her to her bed, repeating “Forgive me” inside every steps of the way.

Seo Hyeon did feel horrible. It felt so cold and her head was killing her, and she felt like throwing up.

She took her pyjamas and sat again heavily.

“Did you eat dinner last night?”

She laughed bitterly, “I didn’t feel like eating last night”.

“I made toast. Do you—“

“No. I rather sleep”

“You have to eat something”

“Please. Sleep” she repeated, her eyes watering. She must have felt really terrible.

“Alright! Alright. Don’t cry. You can sleep. Here, I’ll cover you” he said, covering her with her blanket.

She soon slept, forgetting to change her clothes.

He took a chair and sat beside her bed. She slept restlessly, turning left and right from time to time, she was sweating, she was mumbling in her sleep.

If a heart could bleed just from witnessing, he was feeling it that day. It was clear that this woman in front of him was the one thing he wanted most. She’s everything. Why then, all of those wasted years?

He had his reasons. And maybe miles of fear and insecurities.

So he came back to his question, "will she ever forgive me?"

**********************************

Seo Hyeon woke up and found him sitting close, looking quietly at her.

Her eyes drooped so she fell asleep again.

The second time she woke up, he wasn’t there. Unconsciously, she woke up, hoping to see him. But he wasn’t there. So she called. And called, and called until her voice break, her emotion becoming a thin surface that shattered easily. She fell asleep again, crying.

He was back there when she woke up the next time.

“Come on, have some soup” Yong Hwa said.

She tried to sit up but it took surprisingly great effort. So he helped her, holding her steady while arranging the pillows.

He had a bowl of cream soup ready, and gave it to her.

She felt nauseous just seeing it. “I don’t feel—maybe later”

“No. You have to eat. Now”

He took back the bowl and started to feed her. Begging “Please, please Hyeon”, “You have to finish this”, “Please, I don’t want you to be worse than this”, “Come on, a little more” every time she shook her head or closed with her hands as the nausea came. He wiped her lips and always tried again.

It took some time, but she finally managed to eat everything. He went out again and came back with fever and headache pills.

She gagged trying to swallow it.

“Mianhe. Mianhe, Oppa. I didn’t mean to trouble you like this. You really don’t have to do this”

He patted her head and went outside, to crush the pills into powder and mix it with some honey he found in the kitchen. With that, he came back to her and made her drink it.

“Sleep again” he suggested, rearranging her pillows to sleep.

“We need to talk” she reminded.

“We’ll talk about everything” he promised. “But get better first”.

She searched his eyes but he said nothing more.

So she closed her eyes and slept again.

**************************************

When she woke up again, he fed her soup for the second time, with crackers this time. He made her drank a lot of water and her medicine. And once more, she fell asleep.

The next morning, she woke up without a headache.

He was dozing in his chair, and opened his eyes when she called his name.

“I feel better” she claimed.

“Good” he said, grinning tiredly but relieved.

*****************************************

They spent the morning quietly, with Seo Hyeon calling her friends to catch up what she missed yesterday at school and Yong Hwa alternating between watching TV, playing his guitar, and scribbling song lyrics.

At ten, they side by side on the couch, looking at each other.

It seemed like a perfect time to talk, no reasons to hide behind.

“Yong Oppa…..”

“Yeah. Go ahead”

Seo Hyeon closed her eyes, and began directly with, “Was everything real Oppa? Or just for the show?”.

He felt the pain straightly. “Everything I did for you that year, was real”

“So—so why did you leave me? You used to—call almost every day. Or text me saying you missed me. But then you just stopped…..oh yes you still text but it was….not like what you used to do……”

“FNC said so” he said heavily. "FNC told me to stay away from you”

“Then you should have said something!” she said, voice getting higher. “You should have let me known. You should give me something to hold on to!”

“I couldn’t”

“What do you mean you couldn’t???”

“I've told you. If I call you, if I hear your voice, I’d want to see you. If I see you, I’d want to be with you. If I start being with you, I wouldn’t ever want to hide what I have with you”

“Then how do I know? How do I know what you feel like that?”

“One day, I wanted to call you. But then I found out…..that you started dating Jung Mo-ssi…..”

She was silent. Tears peeking in the surface of her eyes, inevitably.

“Then what would you want me to do? I didn’t know how you feel! You left me in the dark! I felt left out! I felt so—“ she stopped, trying to speak past the lump in , “lonely”

“Why Jung Mo-ssi? Did you love him?”

Several seconds passed, before, “At that moment, I did”

He bit the insides of his mouth, feeling like screaming.

“Why did you break up?”

“He—he thought I didn’t love him. He thought I still felt for you”

He wanted to ask, "Is it true?", but instead he asked, “Is it the same with Jin Woon?”

She struggled to breathe. “Yes”.

“Who else beside Jung Mo and Jin Woon?”

“Nobody else”

They stared into each other's faces, reading the obvious hurt etched there, mirroring what they feel.

“And you, Oppa? What about you?”

“Me, Hyeon?”

“How—how many re….relationships?”

“……….Three”

She felt strangled. It’s been six years. The number was surely not preposterous.

“With who?”

“Does it really matter now, Hyeon?”

“It does. With who, Oppa?”

“A staff named Eun Soo. Jong Hyun’s best friend, Rye Il.…..”

He stopped, fearing what would come next.

“And?”

“And……..”

“And who?”

“And Shin Hye……”

It was an effort for Seo Hyeon not to burst into tears.

“Did you love them all?”

“I…..care about them”

More than me? She wanted to ask. But she didn’t. However, she couldn’t keep the following one.

“Did you sleep with them all?”

“……..Yes”.

That did it for her. She bolted to her bathroom and locked it, crying loudly, her insides squeezed, twisted and disintegrated.

“Hyeon,” he tried, knocking the door. “You said you want to hear the answers…..”

He heard nothing else beside her sobs and pitiful cries.

“Hyeon….open the door!”

“Hyeon….I was miserable too. I was suffering too. All of these years, Hyeon. I keep comparing everybody with you. I keep seeing you on TV and wish you’re mine. I dreamed about you. I couldn’t sleep every time the news reported you’re with someone. Seo Hyeon!” he pounded the door with his fist, kneeling on the floor by now.

“Seo Hyeon! Open the door! You’ll get sick again if you’re like this!”

“Seo Hyeon! Please! I’m begging you. Be angry at me. Hit me. But don’t be like this. Don’t cry alone where I can’t see you. I can’t take this. Seo Hyeon! Please! Seo Hyeon, can’t you see? I love you….always have! Always will”

He felt on his edge by that time. He felt he’s losing this. He’s losing her.

So he took out his wallet and slipped a picture through the door.

She looked at her feet and took the picture.

It looked like it has been folded so many times.

It was a picture of her wearing that glittery wedding dress the day Yongseo couple made their wedding photoshoot.

She unlocked the door.

“I always carry it with me” he said.

He stood up and took another thing out his wallet.

And he gave it to her.

It’s his couple ring.

“Seo Hyeon. I was young. I couldn’t handle you and CNBLUE and my own career all at the same time. I wanted you…..yet I’m afraid of all the things that could be ruined if I insisted to be with you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Hyeon. And yet I still want to be with you. I beg you. Please give me another chance. Please” he begged, taking her hands and kissed her palm.

“Coming here, seeing you again, it only made me realize even more. I love you. It has always been you”

Seo Hyeon contemplated, her hands holding her picture and his ring he always carried around.

****************************************

Author's Note :

11 August 2011

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to stop at such a cliffhanger. I didn't mean it. But this is time to work. I'll continue as soon as I can. Once more, I apologize.

PS : I listened to "On Bended Knees" by BoyzIIMen over and over again. Will post a link of that song when I can. Meanwhile, here's the lyrics :

Darlin’ I can’t explain
Where did we lose our way
Girl it’s drivin’ me insane
And I know I just need one more chance
To prove my love to you
If you come back to me
I’ll gurantee
That I’ll never let you go


Chorus:
Can we go back to the days when our love was strong
Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
Can somebody tell me how to get things back
They way they use to be
Oh God give me a reason
I’m down on bended knee
I’ll never walk again until you come back to me
I’m down on bended knee


So many nights I dream of you
Holding my pillow tight
I know that I don’t need to be alone
I open up my eyes
To face reality
Every moment without you
It seems like eternity
I’m begging you, begging you come back to me


Chorus

Mike’s monolauge:
Baby, I’m sorry
Please forgive me for all the wrong I’ve done
Please come back home girl
I know you put all your trust in me
I’m sorry I let you down
Please forgive me


Gonna swallow my pride
Say I’m sorry
Stop pointing fingers the blame is on me
I want a new life
And I want it with you
If you feel the same
Don’t ever let it go
You gotta believe in the spirt of love
It can heal all things
We won’t hurt anymore
No I don’t believe our love’s terminal
I’m down on my knees begging you please
Come home


Chorus