Life goes on. And you grow up. You shrug off memories of first loves, the hurt and the joys in between, and all the childish dreams of easy, happily ever afters. People say, first love rarely lasts. That’s why there are second love, third love, fourth, fifth, and so on, and so forth.

Seo Hyeon was casted in a reality show when she was 19. She was sure she fell in love when she was 20. And had a horrible and inevitable heartbreak a little before she was 21.

A part of her had hoped, wished fervently even, that her love was requited. After all, he had showed ample signals that it was so. All of his deep stares, his soft, alluring voice, his jokes, his gifts, his patience. She had hoped, that whatever spark they carried inside them would gave birth to something real, something precious, after they stopped the obligation as darlings on cameras.

Apparently, she was mistaken.

Jung Yong Hwa had drifted apart. True, he still text from time to time. Texted. Not called. He wished for her health, he said he still followed her shining career, he told her about the recent developments of his life. He said happy birthday and happy new year.

She did just the same for him.

But that’s all. She was so sure they had something. And then he drifted apart. He let go. It’s as if everything they shared for a year didn’t mean that much to him.

The realization, for Seo Hyeon, meant a cherished first love ruined. She broke. To pieces, shreds, torn apart. She carried the feeling round and round for days, tears refused to drop as she forced herself not to think of it. Of him, of them.

Until Hyo Yeon one day approached her, locked the door, and said, “Hyeonnie…..let go”. Her weak wall of defense practically melted and she collapsed on her Hyo Yeon unnie’s hand, sobbing like a child.

Hyo Yeon had caressed her hair until she fell asleep, unable to say anything.

In the morning, she had asked, “Are you alright?”.

She had answered, yes.

“What will you do now?”.

Determined, she said, “I’ll forget. And I’ll move on”.

Nobody could say otherwise. Everybody said that Seo Hyeon had changed. She was prettier, ier and definitely more confident. She had bloomed to a beautiful butterfly.

A year passed, and she dared herself to open her heart. For Jung Mo Oppa.

Those days learning to play songs in guitars had turned to exploring each other’s hearts. Jung Mo Oppa was kind. He was also patient, he indulged her, and he’s very talented with his music. Their relationship was…..calming, and every time Seo Hyeon looked into his eyes, she felt secure and loved.

Besides, he who she once loved had started to be with someone else too.

A little after the twelfth month they were together, Jung Mo Oppa had quietly asked, “Hyeon-ah, let’s stop”.

She was bewildered. “Why?”.

“You often lapsed into silence…..do you know? And all of those times, I’m always afraid…..you’re thinking of someone else”.

“I didn’t! I’m not, Oppa. Please—“

“No. Hyeon-ah, I’ll always be your Oppa. But I think that’s all I’m ever going to be for you”.

It was another heartbreak for sure. Bitter pain seeped through her like poison. Hyo Yeon Unnie, once more, stayed beside her and shared her grief.

“Hyeonnie…..you will find love again. I’m sure of it. There is someone for you out there. Maybe this is just not the right time”.

Seo Hyeon had nodded. And like before, she dried her tears and got up. This time trying to act in dramas as her new territory to conquer. She had of course, succeeded with flying colors, making SM Entertainment even more in love with her, giving her top rated scenarios and prestigious endorsements.

And Seo Hyeon sometimes wondered, whether the love stories she played would ever be real for her.

Despite her increasing fame, her life was routine. Three singles with SNSD every year. Promoting the said singles together around the globe. One drama a year. Receiving trophies on the year ends. Dividing her affection between her sisters, parents, and friends. And all over again. She’s not complaining, she liked routines. The knowledge of knowing that things stayed the same was what she needed.

Meanwhile, he went to his army duty, leaving a parting text message, wishing she was in the road of achieving all of her dreams. She replied with mutual good wish. For him to enjoy his two years. It’s time for yourself, finally, she texted.

The rumor that he was engaged to his former co-star was spreading. No confirmation had been given either from him or his agency. But, deep inside, Seo Hyeon mumbled, never a denial too. And so he went away, and life went on.

And Jin Woon confessed again. Through the years of friendship, Seo Hyeon thought the sentiment had faded into comfort. But no, she was wrong. Jin Woon had never stopped loving her. This time, she wanted to say yes.

He’s funny. He’s charming. With him, Seo Hyeon felt cherished, she felt like she was a princess, adored, admired, a top priority. She returned it with her loyalty. Going to his concert and performances. Dressing up on dinner dates. Hugging him during sweet kisses, and learning to cook for him.

Seo Hyeon thought she had found someone who would stay with her forever, shared her life and color it.

However, one day he said out of the blue, “You’re not happy…..right Hyeon?”.

She felt like she’d choke. “What? What are you talking about?”.

“I feel it. I know it. When you smile at me, it didn’t reach your eyes……”

“Jin Woonie. You can’t be serious. You’re talking nonsense” she responded firmly, hoping she could brush off this conversation.

“No. Your eyes used to sparkle. But not anymore. At least not when you’re with me. And that’s why we must end it here. I can’t bear seeing you unhappy”

“I am happy. I’m happy with you”.

Jin Woon just shook his head sadly. And that was that. That’s the end of their eight months relationship.

This time, her tears were visible, but she drowned it with alcohol, together with Hyo Yeon unnie, in her new apartment.

“Take a holiday” Hyo Yeon advised. “Treat yourself to a time when you don’t have to think of schedules, scripts to read, or which stage to perform. We’re taking a hiatus anyway”

“I’m thinking of taking my master degree…….”

“Can you take it abroad?” Hyo Yeon suggested. “Live a life where you’re seen as Seo Joo Hyeon, not Seo Hyeon. It might be a treat to you, I’m sure”.

“Should I try, Unnie?”.

“Maknae,” Hyo Yeon assured, “You won’t only be trying, you’ll have it. I feel it in my bones”.

So it was her next goal. Somewhere abroad. She wrote essays. Pages and pages of it. She took tests. Over and over again. She applied here and there.

And voila! She found herself a student of English Culture. At Oxford University. The dream of dreams for students.

England was great. England was amazing. She was looked at for her grades. For her intelligence. For her work. For herself.

Once or twice, people recognized her as the member of that famous girl group from Korea. But most people didn’t know.

She liked her little flat. The quiet days studying or making papers, the rainy days when she covered herself with blankets reading a classic. Those times she experimented with book recipes on Sundays. And that dear little piano where she played and filled her room with music.

She liked her grocery shopping, planning meticulously everything for a week. Coming home with big brown bags of supplies. This time, only to find him waiting in front of her door.

Yes, him.

“Hello, Joo Hyeon” he greeted, a nervous, crooked smile on his lips.

Seo Hyeon, understandably, stood rooted to the spot, unable to say a single word, even her trademark polite greeting.

“Let me help you with that” he offered, taking her brown bags from her.

Not quite herself yet, she dug for her key, and let him in.

He placed the groceries in her kitchen, glancing around and praised, “Nice place”.

“Oppa?” she struggled, the word felt foreign between her teeth, “what are you doing here?”.

Yong Hwa put his hands inside his pocket, “I just want to see how you are”.

“And you came all the way here? I thought you’re in the army?”.

“Finished a month ago”

“Oh”.

Just for something to do, she opened her fridge, asking, “What do you want to drink?”.

“Oh! You have Starbucks coffee! Can I have it? Do you have ice?”

“No! It's bad for your—health” she blurted, wanting to stop before she fully finished it, feeling stupid.

There was a short silence before Yong Hwa brushed it off with a chuckle.

“Still the health freak, I see”.

Seo Hyeon pushed her pony tail behind her back, “I guess I always will be”.

Silence again. Before he tried to save the situation by saying, “I’m starving”.

“I was planning to cook”

“What? You can cook now?”

“Don’t mock me. It’s been awhile. Of course I’ve learned a lot”

“I’ll help” he decided, taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

“Sure. After you put your jacket in the hanger”.

He laughed, but obeyed.

They worked together in the kitchen, in the strange harmony that they found was like singing an old song. The words would come to you eventually. They finished, and when they tried it, everything tasted okay.

When dinner was over, and the plates were duly washed, dried, and put into the right place, they sat facing each other with cups of warm tea between them.

She couldn’t stand the suspense. So she put up all of the courage she had with, “Oppa, tell me, why are you here?”.

He sipped his tea for some time, before saying, “To tell you something important”.

Oh my God. Don’t tell me. Are you getting married with your fiancé? Are you sparing me the heartbreak of seeing it in the news? Oppa, it’s better like that than seeing you in the flesh saying you’re going to—

“That I have always loved you and never stopped”.

Time lost its meaning as Seo Hyeon sat there facing him, trying to wake up from this dream, this dream that will cruelly left her empty when she woke up.

“You’re lying”.

“Joo Hyeon. I’ve never lied to you”

“Then why—then why did you…..left me? Why did you drift away? Why did you—“ and her voice started to break, “Why did you never call?”

“I—“

She cut him, “Why did you break my heart?”.

“If I hear your voice, I won’t be able to leave you alone. I would chase you. If I see you, I’d never let you out of my sight again” he recited, hands reaching for hers, voice unsteady and eyes wet.

“If I followed my feelings, I’d abandon my obligations…….”

Seo Hyeon pulled her hands out from his grasp, “Why did you never tell? Why did you leave me in the dark? Why did you let me think—that you didn’t –that you didn’t care? That it was only—only for the show?”

“If I told you, it would bring us nowhere”

“No. I would be stronger. Happier. I—“

“I’m sorry”

“Had I known, everything would have been easier”

“Hyeon—“

“No!” she got up from her seat. “I don’t want to hear it!”

“Hyeon, please—“

“No!” she backed off.

He stood up and grabbed her. She was shaking from her pain.

“You. You’re so—so cruel…..Oppa. How could you do that to me? How could you make me think, that I was meaningless to you?”

“I’m sorry. Forgive me. A relationship where I can’t fully dedicate my time for you seems like less than you deserve”

“Really? That was your conclusion. You have never asked me!”

It was true. He never did. He just assumed she would think the same. And now he was terrified. Terrified that he would lose her forever.

“Seo Hyeon, please……Give me a chance. Give me a second chance. It has always been you. I’ve never loved anyone else” he confessed, reaching for her, grasping her arms. “I never will be able to love anyone else. I don’t even want to”.

She stood looking at him, weighing it all.

“Give me a chance. Let me take care of you. Let me show you how much you mean to me”.

Her silence was horrible. More painful than anything Yong Hwa had ever felt.

Tears clouded her vision.

Because honestly? Of course she never moved on. Of course she never forgot. Of course she never stopped. How could she moved on from a love like that? How could she forgot a man like him? How could she stop loving Jung Yong Hwa? How?

“Please…..” he begged. “Seo Joo Hyeon,” he called, feeling his life was dangled between ending or continuing. “Please…..”.

Some seconds passed, or maybe a lifetime.

Until Seo Hyeon answered, “Yes.”

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