Joohyun and Seulgi met when they were in kindergarten. They shared the same class and the same school bus route which made them often sit beside each other going to and from the school.
Seulgi was a shy and quiet little girl. She would sit on the back and only talk when needed. On the other hand, Joohyun was very pro-active. She would enthusiastically participate in contests, presentations, and everything else. Despite their differences, they were an inseparable pair back then. Almost never without each other.
One time, however, Joohyun was sick and couldn't come to school. She caught a cold when both kids got rained on a bit when they went out to play the day before. Without her friend, Seulgi felt lonely the entire day. “How boring can this day get?” She mutters to herself. She was counting down the hours left before she can finally go home until, finally to her delight, the bell rang.
On her way home, she found herself sitting behind Henry, Joohyun’s neighbor and another classmate. It was a quiet ride with just the two of them left to be dropped off. It has been raining for the past few days and this morning was no exception. Fortunately, it comes to a halt on their way home. She was inattentively looking at the wet pavements and trees when, suddenly, Henry got up from his seat and shouted. “Look! There’s a rainbow!”
She lifted her gaze to the sky. There it was a rainbow arched perfectly across the sky. It was vivid and bright, dazzling and beautiful. It was probably the prettiest rainbow Seulgi had and will ever see in her entire life yet she felt empty. It was almost perfect – almost. Her eyes drifted away from the sky and into the spacious seat beside hers.
I wish you were here.
To say that Joohyun’s nervous is an understatement. She was anxious, worried, apprehensive, in short, a big bundle of nerves. It’s campaign day and as a candidate for presidency in the school council for next year, she is tasked to deliver a speech. It’s not the first time she’ll speak but it’s the first time on a scale as large as this.
“What if I forget them all? What if I make a fool of myself? There was never this much people. It’s an important day and I don’t want to embarrass myself.” Joohyun whines as she paces back and forth in the parking lot of their school grounds. There’s still a few minutes left before the program and as the time get nearer, she can’t help but stress herself out.
“When did you ever forget anything? You can’t even forget that I stole your chocolate on 1st grade and that was 6 years ago!” Seulgi smirked as she approaches the anxious girl.
“Thank you for your words of wisdom!” Joohyun playfully punches the arm of the other girl while jokingly glaring at her. “But really, I’ll be terrible.”
Seulgi places her hands on either shoulders of the other girl. “Listen, okay? You’ll do great. You always did great.”
She lowers her gaze to meet Joohyun’s eyes. She sighs. “I didn’t want to say this before because your ego might fly off the roof but seeing you right now, you might need a little boost so I’m saying it.” Seulgi pauses before continuing. “I’ve known you for a long time and there was never a time you didn't do well. I look at you and I feel like I’m looking at all the wonderful things in the world. You are wonderful. You are great. You are perfect. Remember that.” She paused again as she smiles at Joohyun affectionately. ”When you go up there, I know they’ll see what I see in you so please do me a favor and don’t be so nervous.”
By the time Seulgi finished, there was an evident tint on Joohyun’s cheeks. “Thank you.” The girl shyly whispers. They spent the next few seconds looking at each other with bashful smiles and colored cheeks.
They got interrupted when Moonbyul, the vice-president candidate of Joohyun’s party, shouts from a distance as she informs the other girl. “Joohyun! You need to go inside! The program will start soon.” Seulgi looks at her then back at Joohyun.
“So are you ready to conquer the world?” She flashes a wide smile as she moves a step away from Joohyun and removes her hands on the other’s shoulders.
“Hold my hand?” Joohyun asks while stretching out her hand.
Seulgi reaches out and intertwines their hands.
Seulgi goes back to the infirmary bed after her vomiting spree. They were practicing for graduation when she suddenly felt dizzy and nauseous. One of the teachers took her back to the schools ground and led her to the clinic. She has made several trips to the bathroom since then. “I don’t like being sick ever.” She mutters while looking at the white ceiling.
After a while, the curtains surrounding her are set aside by the attending nurse. She looks at Seulgi with hesitation. “Do you mind sharing the bed with another student? All beds are occupied. Since you are both girls, I thought it’s okay you two can share.”
“I don’t mind, Ms. Hwang.” With that, the nurse moved aside only to reveal a familiar girl behind her back. “I’m leaving you two then.”
“What happened, Joohyun?” Seulgi furrows her eyebrows as she asks. They weren’t able to talk during practice because Joohyun has been sitting on the honor students’ row while Seulgi’s situated several rows behind them.
Joohyun walks over and sits beside her in the bed. “I was just feeling fatigued maybe because of the rehearsals. It’s nothing I can’t manage really. Just needed a rest.”
Seulgi knows Joohyun’s tired from the whole day rehearsals they’ve been doing and the hot weather is clearly not helping. “Okay. Come here and get some sleep.” Seulgi says as she creates a space for Joohyun to sleep beside her.
“And you? Why are you here? Are you okay?” There’s a genuine concern painted on Joohyun’s face as she lies beside Seulgi and faces her.
“I was just feeling terribly dizzy a while ago but I’m okay now.”
“You better be. I told you to drink water and eat a lot. You should always take care of yourself.”
Seulgi replies with her signature grin. “Yes, ma’am. Take care of yourself too. Now sleep so you can stop lecturing me.” Joohyun slaps Seulgi gently in the arm. “Let’s sleep.”
With the sight of the other being the last they see, both girls drifted to sleep.
After a while, Seulgi stirs awake from her sleep because of the warmth enveloping her front. She wakes up to see a sleeping Joohyun cuddled so closely to her. She smiles as she tucks several strands of hair behind Joohyun’s ear. She marvels at the beauty beside her.
Maybe being sick once in a while isn’t so bad after all.
I’m right where I wanted to be – here beside you with you in my arms.
Seulgi wondered why Joohyun hasn’t contacted her ever since Middle School started. It was the first time they weren’t sharing the same classes. They were inseparable during their elementary days that it came too much of a surprise to her that Joohyun has started to be distant.
With her being aloof, Seulgi doesn’t know if she has a right to cling on to Joohyun. So she doesn’t. Seulgi doesn’t complain. She’s not even angry.
She starts to think that Joohyun must’ve realized that she’s too cool to be Seulgi’s friend. She is, after all, little Miss Popular, surrounded by crowds wherever she goes. Seulgi, on the other hand, is still that quiet, awkward, and shy girl that always fades in the background. She’s also an introvert if that even helps. However, despite her lack of social skills, she has actually managed to have a small clique composed of two other people which she is currently spending lunch with at their school cafeteria right now.
She rarely saw Joohyun ever since school started except for a couple times during lunch like today. Joohyun went to sit with the rest of the popular kids. The rest of the lunch continued with Joohyun and Seulgi situated on either ends of the cafeteria. Seulgi can’t help but think Joohyun blends well with her current clique. They have the same social status, grades, looks, and fame. She always thought Joohyun could do better and it was just a matter of time before she realizes it. She chuckles when she realizes the time is now.
As Seulgi steals another glance at her, she knows Joohyun is right where she’s supposed to be - a place Seulgi will never fit in. She’s long accepted that Joohyun’s out of her league anyway.
I’m happy whenever you are.
Even without me.
“Why are you friends with me, Joohyun?” Seulgi asks Joohyun with utmost curiosity. “I mean you’re really smart - 1st rank in our batch. You’re rich too. Your house is more likely 3 times bigger than our home - lawn included. It’s technically a mansion- but you won’t let me call it that. Personality-wise, you can be violent at times but-“
“Hey!” Joohyun playfully punches Seulgi in the arm. “-but you’re tolerable.” Seulgi continued with a bright grin on her face.
This made Joohyun widen her eyes as she replies furiously. “What?! I’m nice!”
“Yeah whatever.” Seulgi raises a had to dismiss the other girl entirely. “Also, you’re- you’re really pretty. Not just pretty-pretty but like gorgeous-pretty. I’ve never seen anyone as beautiful as you even when I watch TV.” She continues with a matter-of-fact tone.
“You never told me you find me pretty.” Joohyun blushes at the compliment.
This made Joohyun redder than before. She looks at her feet as she replies. “You’re not bad yourself.”
“Hell no. Don’t be burdened to return compliments. And back to my question: why are you friends with me?” The other girl continues to ask with a creased forehead.
Upon hearing this, Joohyun’s gaze drifted away from her feet and into the other girl’s eyes. “Hey give yourself some credit okay? You’re more than what you think you’re worth.”
“It just doesn’t make sense. You’re the epitome of perfection you know-“
Seulgi smiles wider along with her monolid eyes. There’s a sudden glint in her eyes. “Yes, you’re not if we take into consideration the way you drool when you sleep.”
“Yah! Kang Seulgi!”
Days went on like that until one day they met at a shelter in front of the school gate. It was very sunny the whole morning that it came as a surprise when the rain suddenly poured which is why neither individuals have an umbrella. This prompted Joohyun to call for her father to pick her up. Seulgi, on the other hand, called her brother to do the same.
Joohyun looks at Seulgi as soon as she steps inside the shelter. They were the only ones there. “Hey.” Joohyun looks at her. Seulgi’s jaw dropped at the sight of her a friend she has not talked to for a long time which made her stutter a bit. “H-Hey.”
“How are you?” Joohyun inquired.
She opened and closed a few times trying to find words to reply. “F-fine. I’m fine.“ Her thoughts trailed off before she could utter the next words. She is fine but not entirely. She always wondered why Joohyun has never contacted her ever since they got on different classes. She wants to ask her why but she’s so tongue-tied to even begin to ask her anything. She concluded it’s because it has been too long so she’s feeling foreign at the moment.
How are you? Are you mad at me? Did I do anything wrong? Do you miss me? I miss you. so much. Her thoughts went to a halt when she hears a car stop in front of the shelter. It’s her brother. She looks back at Joohyun. Her eyes have never drifted away from Seulgi for the entire time. “I need to go.”
With that, Joohyun looks away and sighs. Seulgi immediately takes that as a clue to walk away from Joohyun and into the nearby car. She was too focused on escaping the awkward atmosphere that she missed Joohyun’s “See you around?” before she closes the car door and they drifted away.
Ever since that day, Seulgi’s seen Joohyun a lot more often aside from the cafeteria- in the hallway, near club rooms, outside the campus. She’s been gawking at her every time regretting that time that she could’ve talked to her longer. Joohyun, however, never even spared her a glance.
Her heart swells at the sight of the distance between them.
I want to talk to you but I don't know what to say - not anymore.
Seulgi’s starting to think that her friendship with Joohyun is on either ends of the spectrum - no in-between. Ever since they shared the same class again, Joohyun’s back to fulfilling her best friend duties. Seulgi concluded that she’s either a best friend (when they’re together) or a total stranger (when they’re not together). Never normal friends or casual acquaintances. Seulgi’s sure it’s not a good thing but at the moment, she’s not complaining.
She can never bear to reject Joohyun even after ignoring her. Just like that, they are back to their old ways after nearly two years of being strangers. They spent a lot of time in school. They hang out after classes. They spend their nights talking to each other on the phone. If Seulgi would compare, she’d say they’re even closer than they were back then.
“I bet you’ll rank 1st again. You’re too smart to be my friend.” Seulgi jokes while talking to Joohyun over the phone.
As Joohyun lays in her bed, she replies “Hey, you’re really smart too if you just stop your laziness you know? You’re always in the top 10 of the class without even trying!”
“Hell no. I’m just naturally gifted at guessing. Besides, I leech off from your home works!” They both laugh at their conversation.
“C’mon. Try and beat me at least once. I need a little challenge you know.” Joohyun snickers. This made Seulgi scoff. “Wow. I like your confidence, Ms. Full-of-herself. What do I get if I beat you?”
“We’ll eat outside! My treat!” Joohyun answered. “Wow. Your offer is very tempting.” Seulgi replied with obvious sarcasm. “You do know money, food, and fame isn’t my best interest.”
“Okay. Fine. Let’s see. I’ll grant you a wish?” Joohyun suggested. “Ohhhhhhh!” Seulgi beamed upon hearing her reply. “Anyyythinnggg???”
“No way! Just the nor-” exclaimed the other girl. “Oh! Scared of losing already?” teased Seulgi.
“As if! Deal! I won’t lose.”
It’s now Homeroom period and their teacher has yet to arrive. They had just finished their Mathematics examination the previous day. Joohyun, as usual, was feeling confident. She had studied diligently the night before even losing a few hours of sleep in order to review. Seulgi, who was usually lax, arrived really early this morning in order to study in the library. They were pretty neck-to-neck in their previous Mathematics exams with Seulgi just a few points behind Joohyun so they both agreed it’s the perfect subject for them to bet on.
“Bae Joohyun? Could you step outside for a bit? I need to talk to you.” Mrs. Kim, their Homeroom adviser, has just arrived with worry painted on her face.
“Yes, Ms. Kim?” Joohyun responds with a worried face as she approached the adult. “Please come with me.”
After roughly less than half an hour, Joohyun walks back to the classroom with a sullen face. She went straight to her seat. Everyone could see her eyes glistening despite her looking face down. Joohyun’s usually a bubbly girl oozing with positive energy that it left people wondering over her crestfallen face. “Hey. What’s wrong?” inquired by Joohyun’s seatmate. Instead of answers, everyone hears quiet sobs from Joohyun. After a few minutes, they are able to finally hear a reply. “My- my grandfather died.” Joohyun quietly states before breaking in to louder whimpers.
The commotion startles Seulgi, who just came back from talking to their Mr. Park, their Math teacher. Mr. Park passed by shortly after Joohyun went to talk to Ms. Kim. He briefly asked the Class Representative to distribute their exam papers. Since Joohyun was not around, the representative gave back her paper to the teacher. Seulgi went to catch up with the teacher and offered to give Joohyun her paper.
Her heart breaks as she sees Joohyun struggling to suppress her sobs. She has no idea why Joohyun’s crying but she wants to take the pain away from her. She wants to hold her and tell her everything’s gonna be alright even if Seulgi isn’t sure if it will ever be. She takes a step towards her only to stop when she realizes the many people comforting Joohyun already. She stays rooted at the door as she stares at her with face full of worries. Seulgi never felt so helpless. More than that, she never felt so distant. And maybe, just maybe she wasn’t needed.
She steps outside and heads to the toilet. Inside, she looks at both papers she’s holding.
Joohyun: 95, Seulgi: 96
“Why does it feel like I lost?” She chuckles bitterly.
She looks at the mirror and says, “I can wish for anything right?”
I wish to be the one who wipes away your tears.
Somewhere along the way, Seulgi fell for Joohyun. She knows. She has always known.
She can’t pin point the exact time she fell especially when whenever they’re together she falls deeper and deeper into her. She has lost track of how many times her heart skipped a beat for even the very little things Joohyun said or did. She’s in deep and she wonders if there’s ever a way out. She has come to a point where Joohyun’s every word is a beautiful serenade, every laughter is an overflowing melody, and even every breath is music to her ears.
However, she also knows. She has also always known. It’s a song that is meant to be unheard.
She’s been reminded every day that it’s wrong to love someone of the same gender. She’s afraid to be judged for loving differently. She never knew love can be so frightening.
She decides. She will never tell anyone. No one has to know.
“It’s unrequited anyway.”
And so she conceals.
Seulgi has come to a conclusion. Loving Joohyun hurts. She’s platonically all over Seulgi in a minute then the next she’s gone.
Seulgi lets her.
She welcomes her whenever she comes. She doesn’t hold her back when she leaves. It doesn’t mean her heart isn’t breaking though. Joohyun holds so much power in Seulgi that she can break Seulgi’s heart over and over again without even trying.
They had been talking non-stop over summer break. Heck, they even hanged out several times. They went shopping, sang at karaokes, played arcade games, and even tried skating aside from several sleep overs in each other’s house. Looking at Joohyun as she walks past Seulgi without batting an eyelash for the nth time since school started, Seulgi concluded they’re back to square one.
Still, Seulgi lets her.
She will always let her.
My heart is for her to break.
Confessions to Joohyun has been usual occurrences in the school since forever. She is, after all, very attractive. Today is surprisingly no different as they spot a guy giving Joohyun flowers in the cafeteria. The surprise, however, came with the identity of the flower carrier.
“He’s Cha Eunwoo, a senior. He’s the Student Council President. He’s also the star of the volleyball team. He’s smart. Most importantly, at least for me, he’s very very handsome.” Seulgi recalls Sooyoung’s description the first time Seulgi asked who he is. Since then, she has met him a few times due to club activities. She has come to know that he’s good natured as well. What peaked her interest is that even with a lot of admirers, he has never shown someone any interest. Until now.
“Hi Joohyun.” He says before flashing his signature grin. “Yes?” Joohyun looks at him with a confused face. “I-I’ve always liked you. Please give me a chance to properly convey my feelings into actions. Please go out with me!” He bravely said.
Everyone thinks they fit each other very well. Seulgi agrees. It is usual that the most popular boy and girl should get together. She’s genuinely happy for Joohyun if ever they become a couple in the future. He's a nice guy after all.
Joohyun probably thought the same.
“I-I’ll go out with you.”
The moment she accepted that she has feelings for Joohyun was also the moment she has prepared herself to be hurt, to be broken to the point that she cannot be mended. Her love for Joohyun is like water- overflowing but has no forms. She knew right from day 1 that it’s a lost cause- a point of no return.
She doesn’t yearn for anything. She anticipates nothing. She loves her too much but without expectations. She doesn’t do anything. She just looks at her from afar. She loves her too much but without actions.
Her feelings are weightless, colorless, bland, and in a way, weak.
She’s happy to love her.
It’s a love that doesn’t expect anything in return. It’s a love that wasn’t meant to be felt. It’s a love that she will always bury within her heart.
She doesn’t have to love me back. I’m happy to love alone.
It’s unusual for Seulgi to receive midnight calls especially when they’re from Joohyun. Their stranger status haven’t improved at all.
Seulgi was half awake when she answered the call. She didn’t even bother to check the name. “Hello?” Seulgi says half asleep. She was greeted with silence on the other line. Seulgi has almost drifted back to sleep until she was jolted awake when the other person spoke. “It’s Joohyun.” Seulgi moved her face with shock away from her phone to check the caller’s name. Her eyes go wide as she reads “Joohyun”.
“Why did you call?” Seulgi can only hear Joohyun’s breaths from the other end. “Got a problem? Do you want to talk about it?” Still nothing but breaths. Seulgi figured something’s wrong but Joohyun doesn’t want to talk about it. Maybe she just needs someone to be there. However, Seulgi cannot leave at this time of the night so she settles with “I’m not gonna hang up. Stay on the line for as long as you like. I’ll be here for you.” So, she did. They stayed like that for quite a long time. Only hearing each other breathing. After half an hour, Joohyun finally spoke “Thank you.” Then ended the call.
The late-night calls happened a few times after that. The conversation is the same if you can even call it a conversation. It starts with Joohyun telling Seulgi it’s her and says thank you before ending the call. No in-betweens exactly like what she expects from Joohyun. Then she’ll see a beaming Joohyun in the cafeteria the next day like nothing happened. She would guffaw with her friends while her arms around her new boyfriend. She’s had a couple of them since Eunwoo. Seulgi can’t blame her when she’s attractive as hell. The whole school is probably in love with her.
Nearly four months since Joohyun started calling, Seulgi has been dying to ask what’s wrong but she knows Joohyun will tell only if she’s ready. So she gulped all her questions aside and let silence ensues. Just when Seulgi thought it’s time for Joohyun to mouth her thanks, Joohyun broke the norms with her next words. “Sing for me.”
It’s the first time Joohyun spoke anything aside from the usual. Seulgi wants to ask why but she knows Joohyun won’t answer so she sings.
She sings with all her heart. She sings what she cannot say.
Where I am now, I can only look from a distance.
We’ve grown too far apart.
You’ve become a step I cannot take.
Though I want to be the one who holds your hand
or be the shoulder you can lean on,
I know I will never be.
But whenever you smile,
Even if it’s not for me,
Or when you laugh,
Even if it’s not because of my jokes,
I feel happy.
I love you.
I’ll endure this pain.
This one-sided love is in vain.
I don’t wish for anything from you.
I am contented with the distance.
It’s a love I’ll always be happy to give
Even without anyone knowing.
I love you. The sweetest words I can never say.
This love is best kept hidden anyway.
And if I ever tell my heart, will it even matter?
It won’t. Just let it be. Let my love falter.
Loving alone. This is my pitiful love.
Still, don’t be sad for me. Live a happy live.
Expect this from my foolish self
Who never wishes for anything but your happiness.
After that, Joohyun never called again. Seulgi, on the other hand, moved to a different school due to her Father’s job.
I love you- the sweetest words I can never say. This love is best kept hidden anyway.
“Yah, Kang Seulgi, hurry up will you?! I’m dying to get wasted already!” Seungwan, her roommate, shouts as she knocks on Seulgi’s bedroom door. “Why am I friends with desperate alcoholics again?” Seulgi replied as she walks out her door to meet her roommates’ faces. “Shut up. You love us.” Eunae snickers while standing from the couch. “I like your confidence.” Seulgi said as she stuck her tongue out and heads to the front door. “Let’s go.”
It was a Saturday night. It has been a tradition for Seulgi and her group of friends to frequent at a bar near their campus. They head to the bar and immediately settles on one of the VIP tables, a perk being one of the loyal customers.
They are a little early so it’s no surprise that there isn’t much people yet inside. They are met with Sohee and Sujeong who are friends from the same University.
They are starting to drink when Seulgi caught sight of a girl being forced by her friends to dance on the dance floor. “C’mon, girl. Don’t be a granny!” It made Seulgi chuckle with how much the girl kept resisting. The girl unwillingly joins her friends. But as soon as the girl steps on the dance floor and turns around to face her friends, Seulgi feels her jaw fall.
She freezes. Her mind’s filled with lots of thoughts until she felt a light tap on her shoulder. “Anything wrong? You look pale. Are you not feeling well?”
“No. I’m fine. Just the alcohol.” Seulgi shakes her head as she looks at Seungwan.
Seungwan nods. “If you say so. Don’t drink so fast! It’ll be a long night.”
Seulgi sips from her glass as she stares back at Joohyun and her group of friends. She lets out a long sigh. “Yes, a very very long night.”
“Sunbaenim, dance with us please.” Yooa pleads as she tries to grab Seulgi by the arm into the dance floor. “Sorry, Yooa. I don’t feel like dancing.” Seulgi says as she loosens her arm from the persistent girl.
Yooa sighs as she lets go of Seulgi. “How about later then?” She followed up with a flirtatious smile and a wink on the side.
Seulgi didn’t really want to dance but can’t bear the heart to hurt the eager girl. “Okay, maybe later.” With that, Yooa heads to dance floor after winking yet for another time.
This has been usual occurrences for Seulgi. The past three years along with puberty did wonders for her. She’s gotten a lot more good-looking as the years went by. With the help of her dancing and involvement in sports, she’s also gotten quite the fame in their school. To top it off, she is one of the top students in their university due to her consistent grades. She’s actually one of the most popular students in campus but she’s humble enough to dismiss that every time.
“That hot girl like got this largest, massive, and humongous crush on you, Seul! If I were you, I’d go in there and her face already!” Seungwan jokes as she shouts in Seulgi’s ear with the hope to overpower the loud music. “What’s stopping you?”
“First of all, Seungwa-“
“Whatever. Those three adjectives mean the same thing. I just- I just don’t feel like flirting tonight.” She sighs as she reaches for her glass of alcohol.
“You don’t feel like flirting ever! I’m starting to doubt your gayness. I don’t see you having an interest in any of these girls.”
She takes the shot. It burns in . What’s stopping you? She turns to gawk at Joohyun, who’s now drinking with her friends in a nearby table oblivious to her anxious heart. She feels a sudden pang in her chest.
“Trust me. I do.”
She takes another shot. Then another one. Then another one. Until she loses count of everything that’s been keeping her intact. She continues to look at Joohyun in awe until, suddenly, the other girl turns in her direction. Just like that, they caught each other’s gaze. There’s another pang in her chest.
Maybe it’s not that’s burning anymore.
My heart is a paradox. I want to keep loving you but at the same time, I want to forget you.
Seulgi wakes up with a massive hangover. She may have broken her personal best with how much she drank last night. She groans and squints at the clock beside her bed.
It’s still early for her usual waking time so she decides to sleep some more. She closes her eyes. After a few seconds, she opens them up again as the realization hit her like a hurricane. She takes a peek inside her blanket.
She sits up and takes a look around her room. Her clothes are messily scattered on her bedroom floor. She immediately grabs her phone to open the front camera and check herself. Her lips are swollen. Her lipstick smudged to the side. A couple of hickeys illuminates in her neck.
She definitely slept with someone. But who?
It doesn’t surprise her. She’s always been a forgetful drunk. She runs a hand through her hair and huffs in frustration. She tries hard to think but only blur memories of the kisses and touches comes to mind.
Of course, not Joohyun. Everyone except Joohyun.
That she’s sure of. She tosses and turns until she decides it’s best to go back to sleep and not dwell on this further.
In her dream, she remembers her name.