Lee Yeo Ri

I hear it again… 

those screeching sounds… 

those screeching gears as the bus maneuvers trying to avoid a velocious van. “Not again” I said to myself as I close my eyes and relax my mind. Then I hear a loud thumping sound of metal banging inside my head. Those loud cracking sound coming from the glass windows of the bus as it crash onto a hard solid material which made the debris of glasses scattered and eventually in the entire area. “NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN!” I started to yell and cover my ears with my palms as those sounds are slowly getting louder and louder as second pass by. I try to calm myself but those sounds keep worsening until I found myself at the cold floor with those memories keeps on replaying on my mind.
Those screaming voices…

“Please save me!”

“please save my daughter!”

“please save my baby!”

“please save me!”

…keeps on reverberating on my mind as if I was still on that scenario. Those voices I can’t even bear to hear. Then my mind keeps on reminiscing how I saw those people begging for help while their bodies and faces were covered with blood. Blood were flooding the place. Even I, myself was covered with blood. Everyone was covered with blood. I can’t help myself but cry, cry as how others cry and plead weakly as how others plead to save their lives. 
I want to move but I can’t even lift my feet. I was sitting uncomfortably on the very edge of my seat while leaning on my side when I saw a pole sticking on the flesh of my foreleg along with the broken pieces of glasses. I try to pull it out with all the strength I have but that just worsened everything because the pole along with those debris coming from the roof of the bus fall off  into my legs. That moment, I experienced hell. I lost all my strength. I was in extreme pain to the point that my body feels numb. My legs were numb. I can’t even lift my toes, the only thing I can move is my eyes looking from left to right, staring at those displeasing and pitiful view. I was on dreadful situation. Those memories I can’t even bear to remember.

The cold wind added more to the trauma makes me more cast-down and woebegone and the thing I’m capable with my situation right now is cry. Until I reach the point of my extreme bawling, I found myself not just on the floor laid out but somehow, I’m having difficulties in breathing but still, I continued crying while those memories keeps on replaying on my mind.

The next thing I know is I woke up on my room while my mom was sleeping next to me, on my bed. She told me that she hear me crying hysterically while babbling something she can’t understand so she rushed herself to my room but she was kinda late because she found me on the unconscious on the floor of my veranda.

I remember what I did before I passed out. 

I was just sitting on my wheelchair, inhaling the cold winter wind while staring at the moon as it howls on the dark sky. I watch how the lights of buildings radiantly shine along with those glitteringly vast of stars that seems like a never ending sheet of night sky perfectly illuminates and gives off an aesthetic view of Seoul’s night-time. The busy streets was still flooding with people as they try to reach home and some others are meeting up with their love one’s/ friends to which they haven’t seen for ages or just barely catching up with one another. Other people were busy queuing up on a mall nearby as it put up a Big Sale Promotion which also cause a minor commotion but leads into a traffic and major headaches for the commuters and vehicle owners. This was just a typical everyday set-up of my life. Every night, I sat by the veranda with warm tea on my coffee table and of course my favorite, my bestest friend in the world (except from the parents) is my fluffy Persian cat; Chimmy to get me accompanied and cozy in this winter night. But this time is different with those traumatic disturbances keeps on appearing in my head, again. I’ve been suffering from this ailment for a year now since the day of that accident ‘til now. That accident that made me lose my capability to walk, stand, swim, dance and every acts that is associated with FEET.

I heave a deep sigh as I listen to my mom that keeps on talking about how she was so worried and frightened upon seeing me unconscious on the floor. Just barely thinking of it; I realized how much of a burden I am for not being able to be a FULLY-FUNCTIONING MEMBER OF THE SOCIETY or in much simpler and family term is NOT BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER to my parents with these goddammed incapability. It when you know you can’t even help your parents or you can’t even simply help yourself with daily stuff. It’s depressing.

“honey, we love you so much you know that, okay? You keep on saying that you are a burden to us but you never really are” mom said while caressing the back of my hand with her thumbs. Tears starting to form in the corner of her eyes. Each time I look at my mom, I can tell that she’s hurting looking at my situation. I can’t even help myself from over-thinking things that lead me to this distressed state. “mom, this is killing me. My trauma is killing me! I don’t even know what to do!”I cried to her, she climb up to my bed and give me a warm hug, trying her best to comfort me, which also kinda helps. She pulls off the hug while lovingly smiled at me and said, “I know  my daughter. I also know how you feel right now.  But that doesn’t mean you need to locked up yourself in this four corners. You’ve gotta need to move forward, live, and have a life outside. Why don’t you just move out here and live with us?” she asked, I kinda don’t like that idea because this condo I have is the only remembrance of my roaring career long with my medals and trophies. “I don’t know, mom. I don’t want to leave this place” I replied. She just stares at me like as if she pitied me. I also consider the positive effect of moving out and live with my parents. It’s for their convenience to take care of me, but still I don’t want to leave this place.
“c’mon yeori! I mean just go out with me, that’s all I asked of you” she said. I sniff and wipe the tears that keep on streaming down on my cheeks with the back of my hand. “are you trying to make me go out with these situation mom?” I calmly asked. She sits up straight while looking at me. “of course! I mean, who cares about your si- “I care! Everyone around me cares mom! Every time I try to go out in this very room, people’s eyes were automatically on me. It’s freaking me out mom because that’s the only way they indirectly telling me that I live a miserable life. Everyone knows me mom! I know I used to be at the peak of my game but the thing that I keep on treasuring is the thing that I loss.” I hate myself ranting on my mom  about how my life but the thing I hated the most is looking at my mom crying. And now she’s crying about how ty I was. "But you still got us, your family" she said as she caress both of my hands while tears streaming down her cheeks. She wipe the tears on my cheeks and said, "we're still here for you sweetie, were doing this for your own good, losing your capability to walk doen't mean that you will stop living your life, who knows meeting people would improve your health." I sniff again as i hear those words. My mom held both of my hands. "It is also hard for us to see you slowly getting eat up with those depressions and your traumas sweetie, we just want to help you. We just want to see the old Lee Yeori we know, the one who keeps your spirits lifted in your most down days. The strong Lee Yeori." She tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and stare at me. While giving those comforting mom's smile. "I dont know mom but -- "how about going out with your friends huh?" She exclaimed with much enthusiasm. Like a few seconds ago, she was crying about how depressed her daughter was but now she just shifted her mood in a snap and express her thoughts excitedly just to cheer you up. Yep, that's my mom.

I shrugged then shake my head no at her idea and said " I don't like it mom, I don't want to see them and I don't want them to see me in this drastic look. They just remind me of how mis-- "here we go again, yeori sweetie always keep in your mind that you are'nt living a miserable life okay? And never were. If you said that again, i'll be sad and i know you never really like to see me sad right?" She asked as she cuts me off in the middle of my reasoning.

I sighed and tucked myself on my bed as i feel a little sleepy again. I look at the clock that flashes "1:18". Then I look around and saw chimmy cat sleeping peacefully on her petbed. I think this is it, i'm sleepy.

She snapped her finger and groan which startled me. "What if you come with me in church... Uhm... Every...day?" She asked. I raised an eyebrow on her. Everyday? I mean i can come with her on church but not everyday. I lay on my bed trying to give her a hint that it is already super late at night and people should be sleeping at this very hour, unless they aren't sleepy or they are busy doing something aside from sleeping. Don't get me wrong, what i want to say is those people doing overtime night works and overnight studies. Something like that. 

"I dunno mom, but i can't come with you everyday" i said as i pull my sheet and mom helped me tucked on my blanket comfortably while saying, "hmmm. 'kay... How 'bout every other day?" I look up to him and she keeps on grinning like a kid so i can't keep myself from chuckling. "Oh c'mon yeori! I think his guidance is what you need honey, c'mon" she pouted as she tries to pursuade me. I think the sleepiness finally hit me and my eyes feels heavy as if they all want to fall down. So i shrug as i reply to my mom but she startled me again on my competition with Mr. Sleep when she exclaimed again, in front of a sleepy me. "Ahh! I'll take that as a YES" she said almost choking me with her hug. I guess i can't say no to my mom's favor. Atleast this is the least thing i will do for my mom. I guess this is also my way to FINALLY MOVE FORWARD.

"Okay, goodnight sweetie" she then bid her goodnight and i feel her wet lips touched my forehead as i try to go to my slumber. 
Going to church? How hard could it be. 

1 year and 8 months later...

... I accidentally squeezed the bottle of ketchup and it squirted on his face and on his shirt which made him automatically stood up. in my trepidation of my clumsiness, i feel bad and so sorry of what i have done to him and i think he would get angry at me and my clumsiness. He wipe his face and shirt with the tissue i nervously handed to him. "I-I'm so sorry sir, i'll-- i'll just repla--" i was interrupted on my apology when he groan in annoyance. "I-im so sorry sir" i said as i bowed at him politely, being apologetic  i offered to help him wipe his shirt but he flinch and angryly took off my wiping hands in his shirt. "I know i'm blind but i'm capable of wiping my shirt all by myself!" He exclaimed. My eyes widened and my jaw dropped from his words. "Is this how you treat a disaed person here in your cafe? I'm so dissappointed." He said as he keeps on wiping his face from the mess i made.

WHAT? HE'S BLIND?!!