It was a usual working day, I was with the style & design team working on Sunggyu’s new album. We just came back from Hong Kong few days ago, the photo and mv shooting were perfectly done, the mv was still in the editing process but the photos were all done and the soft copy had just sent to us this morning . There were thousands of photos and we had to narrow down to fifty followed the theme, it was really not an easy task. We had been screening the photos for hours, discussing and filtering for the best fifty pieces. 

Sunggyu was here with us too, he took part in the songs production and now the album jacket. He wanted everything to be perfect. It seemed that he was quite pleased with the photos, he even secretly transferred some photos to his handphone which was strongly prohibited. The crew were too focusing to their work, no one noticed it except me. 

I looked at him with warning gaze but he mouthed ‘shhh’ to me with his pleading gaze as if asking me not to voice out. He came near me and spoke under his breath, “I’ll keep it safe.” I looked at other staffs and thought for the possibility, in fact those were his photo for his album, he wouldn’t let anything bad happen for sure, so I sighed quietly and mouthed ‘You better be.’ to him, he smiled happily and kept his handphone into his pocket, “I have to go, see you later.” He brushed my hand once before he left the room. 

Me and the crew took another few hours to get the job done, the perfect fifty photos were chosen and we would show to the CEO and Sunggyu tomorrow. Then,  like everybody else, I kept my things prepared to go home. 

When Sunggyu not at home, I usually had simple dinner such as biscuits or bread with hot chocolate, unless I was in the mood for food. So I went to a nice bakery to get some buns for dinner and also tomorrow’s breakfast. It was almost 8pm when I reached home, quickly rushed for shower then to the living room to watch the drama I had been following for weeks. Also, having the nice buns and hot chocolate at the same time. 

The door was clicking open when I just finished the buns. I looked at the clock, it was only 9:15pm, was that really Sunggyu? When I was still confused and surprised, he already walked to the living room. He never liked me to have bread as dinner, but it was too late to hide the buns’ wrapper. I looked at him tried to be calm, “You’re early!” “Yeah, we just had a meeting... a discussion before the rehearsal starts......” Sunggyu answered lightly while sitting next to me, his gaze went from the tv to the coffee table in front of me and stopped at the wrapper, then, to the mug which was half filled of the hot chocolate. His lips pressed together and I saw his chest rose because of inhaling, then, his gaze rose and caught mine. 

“The butter milk buns taste really good, do you want some bites? I’ve bought extra.” I heard myself sounded enthusiastically but Sunggyu didn’t answer immediately, he smiled looking at me for a few seconds and said, “I had dinner with the musical crew just now, maybe... tomorrow breakfast?” Couldn’t believe what I just heard, I blinked a few times and smiled a little too cheerful, “Yeah, sure.” I think I looked really stupid because he was still smiling and looking at me. Then, he sighed a quiet sigh, I thought he was going to start nagging, instead he said, “I’ll go for shower.” He even leaned in to kiss me before he got up. 

Another surprise! 

I looked at his back while him leaving to the bathroom, still confused of his reactions. Quickly, I finished the hot chocolate then cleared up the coffee table especially the buns’ wrapper, had gone to the rubbish bin before I cleaned the mug. I also gargled a few times to clear the chocolate inside my mouth and drank some water too, then returned to the couch and turned off the tv. 

Was that really Sunggyu... or...... anything happened? 

Slowly, I went in the bedroom to prepare the hair dryer. Still heard the shower sound when I entered the room but it became silent in just a few seconds, by the time I plugged in the hair dryer, Sunggyu already done and came out from the bathroom. So fast. He was pleased when seeing me ready with the dryer, straight went sitting by the edge of the bed waiting for me. As usual, he closed his eyes while I blew dry his hair. He loved how my fingers ran through his hair, so it had become my routine to blow dry his hair. He looked comforting and peaceful as usual, therefore I concentrated on his hair made sure they were all dried in few minutes. After I put back the dryer in the shelf, Sunggyu pulled my hand to sit with him, facing him. 

He held my hands with his both hands as if to secure me from moving away. I looked at his eyes searching for answer, he smiled looking at me, a little more dearly and a bit mixture of worrying, which didn’t make any sense. Didn’t let me to sort out, Sunggyu leaned in to kiss me, full and deep. The kisses was unusually passionate, I kissed him as endearing as he did at the same time surprised to his unusual calm response. His hands still holding mine same as how before he started to kiss me, apart from the little more pressure from his holding, nothing else. He didn’t go for more or responded cravingly as how he usually would be. 

Other than that, I actually enjoyed the kissing very much, so sweet, so passionate and so lovely. 

It was the longest kissing we had ever had. I meant the only kissing in action, nothing else. Our lips broke apart for some fresh air while we resting against our foreheads, panting, still unwilling to move away. Sunggyu finally released our hands and moved to caressing my face and neck, his nose touched mine from time to time and I saw his lips curled up. Slightly pulled away so that I could see his eyes, they were the same dearly and lovingly, but the worries I saw earlier was all gone. 

“You love me...” He whispered, and then pecked on my lips once. 

Wait, what? 

I didn’t hear wrong, he didn’t say ‘I love you’ instead he said ‘You love me’. So, was it a test or something? That I’ve met his expectation and so he felt extremely happy? I had to pulled away a little bit more to look at his face expression, and there I saw his happy but embarrassing smile. Then, it was my turn to press my lips together and inhaled for more air. He sensed my differences, quickly got hold of my hands while his other hand rose to mid air and waved, gesturing a ‘NO’ to me, “It’s not like that......” He smiled my favourite smile but very obvious he sounded worried. 

Half amused and half annoyed, I held my smile and asked, “So...it’s like what...?” Then, Sunggyu held my both hands again and looked into my eyes, “I’m sorry......for my insensitivity......” He sounded earnest but I had no idea what was he referring to, I looked to mid air tried to figure it out. What was that he had to say sorry? I looked back to his eyes, waiting, and then he stopped smiling, instead he looked guilty, which actually gave me heart ached. I rose my hand to fiddle his hair and caressing his face, asked him softly, “What is it about?” 

As if he had bucked up the courage, “There was an interview...... I did at Taiwan...... I told the reporter that I want to get married at the age of...... 45......” No wonder. He looked at me carefully and curiously, “You... don’t have anything to say?” “How about... you tell me what was about the interview, and why was all about tonight... hmm?” I suggested while smiling to him, he could sense that I wasn’t angry or annoyed, so he sighed in relief. 

“You know, ever since my sister got married, many fans and even the media kept asking me about... when will I get married, or what’s my planning for future... it’s really annoying, I mean, I was really happy for my sis, but why they kept bringing up to ask about me? So in that interview, I simply said I’ve changed my mind and wanted to get married when I was 45. I tried to tell them the older age hoping that no one will ever ask me again, at least not so soon... that’s why...... I said 45......” He explained and careful with my reaction. 

“Few weeks ago... I forget exactly when... Jung Yeop hyung did ask me about it. Hyung criticised me for not considering your condition, and the thought of him kept saying that I was too young for you, I wasn’t good for you...” Sunggyu dropped his gaze to my hands and held them tightly, “I got really annoyed... hate it... really... so I ignore what he told me, like never really got in my mind...... and then just now... when I was on the way to the meeting, my omma called me...” He smiled weakly and rose his eye to look at me, “She shouted at me ‘YA IMMA!!’” 

I didn’t know what to react, Sunggyu shouted by his mother seemed hilarious and scary at the same time. “I don’t know where did she read about it, or maybe my sis told her... She said she will be damn old or even dead when I was 45, so if I insisted to get married at 45, I may as well don’t call her mother from now on.” Felt funny of how his mother threatening him, but I held my laugh because he didn’t look very good, “She serious?” He smiled weakly again and shook his helplessly, “Yeah, she also scolded me for being unfair to you, that I’ve held you too long if I planned to get married at 45.” Then, he sighed before he spoke again, “She said... I may as well break up with you, then you might still have the chances to meet someone else... someone better... and get married soon.” 

My heart became all warm and surprised that his mother actually cared for me, but honestly, this was not helping at all. He would be feeling terribly bad to what his mother had told him. “Then, hyung’s critics came to my mind, that I don't considering your condition...... but, what really worries me is your response. You seemed knew about the interview but you never brought it up... don’t you feel angry or something? I mean... look at hyung and my omma’s reaction... and then you... it’s like the whole thing isn’t related to you...” He looked at me with his worried gaze, “You really don’t care? What were you thinking?”

“Gyu... it’s not like that....” Funny how I reacted just like him a few minutes ago, “I was worried when heard about it, but... getting married shouldn't be happened by forced, if this was your choice......” “You will let it happen? Not even care to ask me? Seriously... you.....” He cut me off halfway but couldn’t finish his line, maybe too disappointed. “Can you please calm down and listen to what I’m trying to say?” I knew this was not going to be easy especially now he became emotional, but since he brought it up, I must tell him how I felt and what was in my mind. 

I took some time to think all over, “Look... you know me... if I want to do it by forced, I would have done it long long time ago.” His expression turned harden because he knew what I meant by the ‘long long time ago’, but he remained silent so I continued, “It should be done happily, merrily, and willingly... don’t you think? 45 is not a problem to you, it’s my problem, so... if I could settle the problem, then, there won’t be a problem!” He tilted his head and thought of what I just said, “How? Don’t tell me it’s another escape, or I should find someone younger.” He sounded angry now, this is much worse and frustrated than I had thought. I bit my lip and thought of what to say, really didn’t want to challenge his temper at this moment. 

“I thought we’ve talked about this and we've come to an agreement, which no matter what happened we would walk through it together. ‘Hold tight, don’t let go.’ You told me that, remember?” I reached out to his hands and held him tightly while explaining to him, and his expression turned a little softer. “If ageing is my only problem, well, thanks to science and technology, problem solved!” I showed him the information about the egg freezing surgical but skipped the part that Jung Yeop was the one who told me. He frowned when finished reading, “Maybe you should tell me about this earlier and we can decide together, your problem is my problem too, don’t keep everything to yourself.” I smiled weakly to him, “Honey... you’re restless, you have so many things to take care of... If there’s anything that I could handle myself, I would. I shouldn’t be one of your problem, or your burden.” 

Sunggyu looked at me couldn’t think of what to say, then dropped his gaze to somewhere else, probably felt bad for everything, “It’s not easy, you’ll get a lot of suffering...” “I didn’t say it’ll be easy, but it’s the only way I could think of... Of course, the best and easiest way is by natural the normal way, but... I guess it’s not practical for us, not for now...” He was no longer angry, his expression turned soft and he reached out to pulled me over for a hug. I leaned on his chest, felt relief that he had returned to the mushy Sunggyu that I loved, but at the same time felt helpless to the situation that we were forced to face. 

“Many people get married before they enlist.” Sunggyu spoke softly at my ear, I tilted up and saw him looking at me, smiling.  “Not us.” I told him firmly. “Why not? Even Tae Yang did that.” He made an innocent face and I didn’t know what to react. His emotion changed so fast that now he was smiling and playful, so I followed the vibe and decided to , “Were you... just... proposed to me? Like this? Here??” He smiled his big smile and started to protest, “What’s wrong with our bedroom? I think it’s a wonderful place, seeing how many lovely things we’ve done inside here...” Never thought he would be saying like that, I smiled wryly and nodded, “You win.” He smiled happily and did that ‘YES’ hand gesture, I laughed at his cute reaction, until some time later when we both stopped laughing, he asked again, “Seriously, why not?” 

He looked earnest and waiting for my reply, so I pulled away from him and sit up right facing him, “You don’t have to rush for it, I’m not 45.” He smiled when I mentioned 45, “But you already looking for the egg freezing thing...“ I smiled at it too, “It’s like... buying insurance? I don’t really have to use it, but in case I need it... it can be helpful.” 

Then, he stopped talking again. He looked troubled, like trying to say something but he couldn’t, ended up sighing a few times. How I wished his mother had never told him anything, because it had made everything worse. He started to feel anxious since the enlistment might call out for him any time soon, now his mother’s saying must had added another tonnes of weight. 

Slowly, I move to his side and hugged him from behind, my chin was rested on his shoulder hoping if I could see his expression, even just a glimpse of his sideway was good enough, “I thought you have found the answer just now.” His eyes rose to mid air blinked a few times, didn’t get it, so I said softly to his ear, “Earlier... the kisses......” He smiled sweetly right away, and spoke after that, “You love me.” I kept silence after that, just tighten my hugging in replying him. He finally got hold of my hands and brushed my hands with his fingers, then I felt more pressure from his fingers, trying to pulled me lightly, gesturing me to move to the front of him. I followed his will moved to his front, he made me sit in front of him and lied against him by my sideway, while him wrapping me under his arms as if he was carrying a baby. 

We looked at each other, didn’t say a word. His gaze was gentle and he looked contented, I felt like a marshmallow melting along his arms. As if he could tell, he smiled sweetly and fiddled my hair, very soft and very light, then his eyes changed and he said, “Sometimes, I couldn’t help to think... that...... I’m the main reason to put you in all these... suffering......” He looked away and continued, “I’ve always busy, you’re always left alone at home... if it wasn’t me, you could have met another man and date normally, live normally...... unlike with me, forever hiding, countless of waiting.......” 

“You mean someone like Kenny?” I had to cut him off and purposely mentioned Kenny, he turned to look at me once he heard the name, forced a fake smile unwillingly and nodded. “But I don’t love him, no matter how good he is, how better or easier life would be, I don’t love him. So... I might still end up alone.” Which was quite true, and yet he still doubtful, “Just simple as that?” 

“When I was wounded... and extremely insecure... you never gave up on me. You are the one who make me feel hopeful, you make me believe in love again, and that’s not simple.” I felt a little wetness around my eyes when I talked about the past. “So, please... don’t ever thought of how I would have a better life with someone else again. I would’t be this happy if it wasn’t you. It’ll only be you, just simple as that.” I could see that Sunggyu became emotional again, his lips were pressed to a hard line and he nodded a few times. By the time I thought I saw some wetness in his eyes, he pushed me towards him and hugged me tightly, as if I was his only oxygen tank that could hold him survived. I hugged him tightly as how he needed and patted his back to sooth his emotion. 

I understood why Sunggyu became this sentimental. All the tension and guilt together with his restless life, he had been taken too much. I wished I could be convincing enough to help him rerooted the confident for our relationship, just like how he did for me years ago, that we would walk through everything together and never gave up. Whatever it was, just held tightly and never let go of each other. 

Slowly, his breathing turned steady, he sniffled a few times and released me from the hugging. I sit up right to see his expression, he looked calmer now, so, I held his face with my both hands and kissed him, deep and full, just like how he kissed me earlier. He smiled utterly contented and happy when I broke away from him after the kissing. 

“You love me.” Sunggyu said softly, I smiled and nodded, “Always.”