Soonyoung doesn’t pull away, face still buried in Wonwoo’s bony shoulder, the leather jacket cushioning his forehead. He never thought he’d be this happy to smell a familiar brand of cigarettes again, but there was a first time for everything; funny how Wonwoo was always there for those. Soonyoung is hit with a sudden wave of emotion and he squeezes the taller man tighter, well-aware that Wonwoo’s arms are trapped under his; Wonwoo still doesn’t complain, his head resting against Soonyoung’s, and Soonyoung’s throat tightens before he finally speaks.

“Sorry for what?”

“For avoiding you all morning, ,” the younger retorts, and Soonyoung can practically hear the eye-roll in Wonwoo’s voice.

“Well don’t be,” Soonyoung informs him with a wistful chuckle and a shake of his head, closing his eyes as he thinks back to the tension from last night. “If anything, I was the one who made it so awkward. There was nothing to feel weird about.”

Wonwoo doesn’t say anything immediately after that, and for a second Soonyoung worries that the conversation is over when he still needs to come clean about his feelings. If he doesn’t say it now, he might not ever, but Wonwoo speaks before he can be hasty and blurt out something stupid like he usually does.

“I just… needed some time alone to sort myself out without you confusing me,” the taller confesses, sighing heavily as his shoulders go slack. Soonyoung takes a step back to look at him properly, still holding onto Wonwoo’s arms. There is a raw emotion on Wonwoo’s face that he’s never seen before, something new in his gaze; he looks back down at Soonyoung like he still has so much to say but doesn’t know how to say it, lips parted but no words coming out.

Bewilderment makes Soonyoung furrow his brow as he tries to decipher the new emotion, chewing on his lip for a second. “I confuse you? How?”

Wonwoo ducks his head, looking embarrassed as he turns away and making Soonyoung drop the hold he has on him. The world seems so much emptier at the sudden loss, colder even, reflected by the lack of heat making goosebumps break out on Soonyoung’s skin. Wonwoo doesn’t take note of Soonyoung’s musings, instead rubbing his face with his palms as ashes fall from the cigarette between his fingers. Wonwoo makes his way to the bench, plopping himself down on the wooden slats and resting his elbows on his knees; he stares at the gravel on the ground like they held all the answers to the universe.

“Yeah,” Wonwoo finally replies after a while, but he doesn’t look very happy about it. He opens and closes his mouth a few more times, obviously still sorting out his thoughts and words, before he continues talking. “God, I stood out here waiting for you all evening, thinking I finally had everything figured out when I finally got around to talking to you, but now that you’re actually in front of me...” Wonwoo looks disheartened as he trails off, and Soonyoung feels his heart sinking to see his friend struggling to explain himself.

Despite still being lost over the direction of the conversation, Soonyoung steps closer and sidles up to his friend on the bench. “Hey, take your time,” he comforts, offering Wonwoo a small smile. He places his hand atop of Wonwoo’s without even thinking, as natural as breathing. His hand is just as cold as Soonyoung’s, if not more, and it’s then that he notices all the cigarettes littering the ground at their feet. His heart squeezes painfully at the thought that Wonwoo had just been standing out here, pacing in the cold, waiting for Soonyoung to come back home to the dorm all this time when he’d been looking for him everywhere else.

If Soonyoung was honest with himself, he’d say he actually knew that Wonwoo would be here all this time. He’s say that he’d just been wasting time, avoiding the inevitable conversation about last night because in the end, Wonwoo had always been the more responsible adult between the two of them.

Soonyoung tightens his hold on Wonwoo’s fingers, maybe in an attempt to warm them, although he isn’t really sure of that himself, guilt clawing at his insides, but then Wonwoo just as suddenly slips his hand out of Soonyoung’s hold. Before the older man can glance up to question it, the taller turns up his palm in a silent offer, his long, bony fingers spread open for Soonyoung to thread his own fingers between. It takes a second for the gesture to sink in and Soonyoung inadvertently smiles to himself, giddy, quickly pressing his lips together to suppress at least some of the happiness but it’s hard to do that when they both squeeze each other’s hands so tightly afterwards.

Soonyoung looks up at Wonwoo to say something, maybe to crack a funny joke or a silly comment to express this bubbling feeling inside of his chest, but the oncoming giggle catches in his throat when their eyes meet. Wonwoo doesn’t look like he’s in any mood to joke around, and he’s got that expression on his face that tells Soonyoung that he’s trying his hardest to read him. He’s seen Wonwoo give this look to strangers before, to Soonyoung’s past boyfriends, to anyone that he’s not sure he should trust, and a heavier emotion makes a home in Soonyoung’s stomach.

“What?” he questions hoarsely, voice coming out shakier and quieter than he intended, and he swallows thickly even as he holds Wonwoo’s hand much tighter than before. “What… what’s wrong?”

Wonwoo drops his eyes to their interlocked hands but he doesn’t say anything for a moment. “Last night… you said that you wanted us to go back to not noticing or caring about each other. You said that that was what we always do. But this—” he picks up their hands for emphasis, but doesn’t let go, “—isn’t that. How many times have we held hands like this, just because?”

Soonyoung feels his neck heat up, ashamed as he stares at their hands as well. “That… that was a stupid thing for me to say, wasn’t it? I’m sorry.”

Wonwoo clears his throat, and Soonyoung lifts his head to look at the younger’s profile. “It hurt when you said that,” Wonwoo tells him, voice low, and Soonyoung’s throat tightens again. “I always notice and care about you. And I thought you felt the same, but I guess I was wrong. I just feel stupid for thinking that you treated me any differently from anyone else.”

Soonyoung’s heart sinks down to his feet. “No, no, no, that’s not true,” he stresses, pressing his free hand against the side of Wonwoo’s head to turn him so that they can face each other, to convey his sincerity and carefully examine Wonwoo’s expression as he speaks. “You’ve always been different for me, Wonwoo. I can be myself around you. I don’t have to be silly or crazy or happy or funny. I can just be me, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”

A small, shy smile quirks up the corner of the taller man’s lips before it disappears just as fast, and he ducks his head before looking away again; Soonyoung can’t tell if his cheeks are pink from the cold or from what Soonyoung just said to him. “You should save talk like that for your boyfriends, Soon-ah,” Wonwoo mutters, although he sounds happy. “You’ll make me feel hopeful for no reason.”

The world seems to freeze then, time pausing as Soonyoung’s heart stops right along with it. “H-Hopeful about what?” he stutters out, feeling self-conscious even though Wonwoo isn’t looking at him anymore, gazing instead up at the stars overhead, dying cigarette between his lips.

“I thought you were in love with me for the past couple months,” Wonwoo confesses with a sigh, and smoke curls out from his mouth and into the sky when he chuckles a little. “I think I… I got carried away by the idea of it and I was almost kind of hopeful last night before you… yeah. I just. I still need some time to reset. I didn’t even realize that I felt this way. I guess I really liked the idea of us.”

Soonyoung’s throat has gone dry from how hard he’s gaping, mind caught in a whirlwind of confusing emotions. “Wonwoo, you’re not really making any sense here. What are you trying to say?”

Wonwoo doesn’t respond right away, humming a little as he finishes his cigarette. He looks thoughtful, albeit a little sad, too. “I don’t really know either, if I’m completely honest,” Wonwoo replies with a short laugh, and when he looks back at Soonyoung his nose is crinkling from his wide smile. “Maybe I’m more of an idiot than you are after all, huh?”

“Hey!” Soonyoung cries out, affronted, smacking the taller man’s shoulder, but his heart is racing unbelievably hard in his chest—so hard he thinks he might faint right then and there. Wonwoo tries to evade the attack by leaning away but he doesn’t actually go anywhere, just laughing instead, and Soonyoung catches himself laughing as well. “For the record, you’re right, you are the dumb one between us.”

“Well, if you really don’t know what I’m getting at by now, I think I might actually be wrong for the first time in my life,” Wonwoo retorts, and although he’s still grinning, his eyes are dead serious. He tightens his hold on Soonyoung’s hand then, as if to prove a point, and Soonyoung looks down at his lap because, yeah, he does get it. He really would be stupid if he didn’t know, although he’s somewhat bitter that Wonwoo was first to come clean.

When he looks up to say as much, Soonyoung’s heart does a little flip at the small, fond smile Wonwoo is directing to him. It makes Soonyoung feel uncharacteristically shy, although just as always his mouth moves before his brain can even register the words. “What?” he demands, acting pushy as he bumps his shoulder against Wonwoo’s, feeling incredibly aware of how embarrassing they were being out in public like this. Like usual Wonwoo takes a moment to respond, as if gathering his thoughts first before speaking, and Soonyoung is reminded in the pause of just how different they are.

And yet.

“You don’t know this because I never told you,” Wonwoo starts, sounding wistful as he looks up again at the stars, “but back in high school, right after hit the fan our senior year, people always used to ask me if I wasn’t scared you’d fall in love with me.”

Soonyoung’s heart squeezes painfully right then, startled by the rawness of Wonwoo’s voice. He stares attentively at Wonwoo’s profile, chewing on his lower lip as he listens. “Were you?” he asks softly, but Wonwoo just raises their joined hands to Soonyoung’s mouth and presses it there, silencing him with a shake of his head.

“It was like… just because you were gay, that meant that you had to be in love with every man in the world. That I was supposed to hate it for whatever reason, like someone having a crush on me was somehow not flattering all because you weren’t a girl,” Wonwoo continues, and there is an angry bitterness to his deep voice that Soonyoung has never experienced before. “I hated it so much, Soon-ah. I got into so many fights because of you then.”

Soonyoung can’t help the chuckle at the reminder, although his heart is also heavy from the memories at the same time. Although some of the moments were almost hilariously memorable, it was still a dark time for them. The Soonyoung back then was small and unintimidating, and people found it so easy to push him around. Although he’s still pretty unintimidating now, he could at least stand up for himself without bursting into tears. Back then, Wonwoo always did it for him instead, and Soonyoung couldn’t even count on all his fingers and toes the number of times they were in detention and Wonwoo wasn’t hurt in some sort of way after a fight.

Now, nearly four years later, Wonwoo has grown into his final form as a soft, quiet, lanky stick of a human being with his nose constantly in a book or glued to the computer. None of their current friends would even begin to imagine what he’d been like in high school, always angry and volatile, although for good reason. Soonyoung used to feel so guilty for making someone with as gentle as Wonwoo act so out of his nature, but Wonwoo always told him it was his choice, that he would do it all again if it meant standing up for him. Now, the only thing Soonyoung regrets is not having more faith in himself, even now.

“But why are you suddenly remembering that now?” Soonyoung asks, voice husky, and he realizes with a start that he’s tearing up. He wipes at his eyes with a shaky hand, surprised at himself for getting so emotional and laughing at his own expense. “I thought we decided to act like high school never happened.”

Wonwoo grins when he glances at Soonyoung again, helping him wipe away some of the forming tears at the corners of his eyes. The younger man betrays his own emotions by sniffling as well, releasing another small chuckle when Soonyoung pokes at his side for getting caught. He rests his head on his friend’s shoulder, throwing away his spent cigarette before closing his eyes. “Because I kinda stuck with that mentality for a long time after that, that we shouldn’t be more than friends just to prove a point to people that never even mattered in the first place,” Wonwoo admits sadly, absently the back of Soonyoung’s hand with his fingers. “I spent years dismissing all the signs as I grew more aware of you, and then last night, I figured out the truth. But it wasn’t just your truth, Soon-ah… it was mine too.”

Again, the world seems to stop, but this time, the only one that is moving is Wonwoo. Soonyoung’s heart beats in time to the rhythm of Wonwoo’s words, and Soonyoung watches, enraptured by the way the younger man’s eyelashes flutter as he blinks, the way his glasses fog from his own breath, the cold night no longer feeling as cold as it had only minutes before. “I was scared that maybe everyone was overthinking it, that I was getting ahead of myself,” Wonwoo continues, sitting up straight again to look Soonyoung in the eyes; the sudden change startles him, staring back at Wonwoo with wide eyes and parted lips. “Soonyoung, when you said it wasn’t true, I think… I think my heart really broke.”

Soonyoung’s own heart squeezes extra painfully then, stomach sinking to the bottom of the ocean. “Wonwoo, it was just—I was just—” he begins to explain, but Wonwoo stops him again with another shake of his head.

“When I saw how uncomfortable you looked when everyone was saying stuff about us, I realized that just because I liked it, it didn’t mean that you did too,” Wonwoo confesses, and he meets Soonyoung’s gaze almost desperately now, still endlessly searching and trying to understand his innermost feelings, as if Soonyoung didn’t already wear his heart on his sleeve for him. “It brought back those thoughts I used to have in high school, how just because we only had each other back then it didn’t mean that I was suddenly entitled to your feelings. I was so goddamn hopeful though, Soon-ah, it was pathetic. I just… what everyone said suddenly made so much more sense because they validated all my hopes, that I wasn’t just being some sort of selfish prick for thinking you could be in love with me, somehow, some way.”

“It’s not somehow!” Soonyoung finally chokes out, angrily punching Wonwoo’s bony shoulder, although not too hard. They’re still holding each other’s hand, but it’s like a death grip now, like they were the only things anchoring each other to the world; it probably wasn’t a very wise decision, but neither of them particularly cared. “Don’t belittle yourself like that. Do you not realize all you’ve done for me?”

Wonwoo isn’t crying, but his eyes are glassy behind his round specs, and all Soonyoung wants to do is hold him close and kiss him. “What I did was nothing. I did what every human on this planet should have done. But. But, if I… if I decide to believe you,” Wonwoo begins, hushing the older man with the palm of his hand before he can lash out again, “then, Soonyoung, I’m really only going to ask you one more time before I put this moment behind us and never look back.”

Soonyoung doesn’t know what to say or what he’s about to ask, breath clogged up in his lungs and lips pursed as he tries to take in every last bit of Wonwoo’s overwhelming expression, trying to decipher and understand something he’s never seen before. A soft whimper escapes his lips when he suddenly feels Wonwoo’s hot palm curl around the side of his neck, the heat making goosebumps raise all over his skin as he jolts before shivering at the contact, but Wonwoo isn’t looking at him anymore, instead staring almost dreadfully down at his lap.

“Soonyoung… are you in love with me?”

The world remains frozen around them, quiet and still, but Soonyoung’s heart is beating so loudly in his ears that he can’t even hear himself think, mind whirring around in circles as the words spill from between his lips, almost desperate to come out of him. “Wonwoo, you’re not just every human on the planet to me.” He pauses because he’s having trouble regulating his breathing, but he wants to get it out no matter what, squeezing Wonwoo’s hand so tight he might cut off the blood circulation. “You’re the only one.”

Wonwoo looks up so fast that their heads almost bump together, and he looks so surprised that Soonyoung wants to punch him. Or maybe kiss him. It’s a little difficult to decide. “You mean that? You can’t take it back, you know.”

Soonyoung bites down on his lip to suppress an exasperated laugh. “It’s always been you, to be honest,” he admits, smiling brightly through his watery eyes. “I guess that just means we’re both es then.”

Wonwoo nods, mirroring his laugh before his dark eyes drop to Soonyoung’s mouth and make his heart skip a beat in the middle of its incessant pounding—Soonyoung really thinks he might die before the evening is even over. “I’m okay with that,” Wonwoo replies, his lips, and, like instinct they both lean forward at the same time, lips meeting halfway—just like everything else they’ve ever done together.

The entire world finally comes back to life, but Soonyoung doesn’t even notice.

Later, when they get back into their dorm, lips swollen from kissing and skin flushed from being out in the cold for song, Soonyoung rolls his eyes at Wonwoo’s unsure floundering, pushing the taller man down on his bed and immediately climbing on top to straddle him.

“Uh—” Wonwoo clears his throat, face going a little red. “Shouldn’t we, like, uh, wait first? Go on dates and stuff before… you know?”

“Don’t you remember what everyone said? Whenever we’re together, it’s basically a date. That’s like, a billion dates already,” Soonyoung snaps back, feeling impulsive, although he does stop ing Wonwoo’s shirt, hesitating. Now it’s Soonyoung’s turn to be awkward, a matching blush slowly forming on his cheeks when he realizes how carried away he’s getting. “We can, uh, wait though. If you want.”

They both stare at each other for a second of silence before bursting out laughing. It’s the most embarrassed yet completely open Soonyoung has ever seen Wonwoo, who normally likes to put on a bit of a front even if it’s not always a good one, and Soonyoung’s heart really can’t handle it. He leans down again, grabbing hold of Wonwoo’s collar and lifting his head a little so that they can kiss some more. His heart hammers so loudly in his chest that he’s sure that the other man can hear it, and when he pulls back, Wonwoo is staring back up at him with half-lidded eyes and skewed glasses that make his stomach swoop in a way it’s never done before.

“What do you want to do, then?” Soonyoung asks, voice throaty as he his lips, failing to not stare at Wonwoo’s mouth as he attempts to get out some form of coherent thought; he’s really been waiting and wanting this for this for far too long. “Make out? Or maybe talk some more about how dumb we are?”

Wonwoo laughs at the suggestion, immediately taking notice of Soonyoung’s wandering gaze and making the older man shyly look away in mortification. “Don’t ask when you already know, you idiot,” Wonwoo replies before pulling Soonyoung close again and startling him. Wonwoo’s cheeks are endearingly pink, although Soonyoung is sure that his face is a matching shade. “Didn’t we already go on a billion dates already? What are we waiting for then?”

Soonyoung blinks back in surprise before laughing loudly, the brash sound muffling when their mouths meet again and mixes with Wonwoo’s own, and Soonyoung thinks not for the first time that night that it should be illegal to be this happy.

They don’t make it to class on time the following morning.