Jongdae wakes up to a bad headache. It doesn’t matter which way he looks, every small movement sending spikes of pain through his head. Even the voices are silenced by the pain and Jongdae can’t even open his eyes without feeling like everything is about to explode. He clutches his head in his hands and cries out.

It’s only 5 AM and it’s too early to wake up the sleeping men so Jongdae bites his lower lip hard to stop himself from screaming. He starts shivering and pulls the covers tighter around him, eyes closed tightly to relieve himself of a little pain. When Kyungsoo wakes up at 6 AM he finds Jongdae shivering with a high fever.

“Jongdae?” he asks cautiously, still in his nightwear. Jongdae whimpers and nods, hands clinging to his forehead at the move. “Are you okay?”

Jongdae can hear the apprehension, knows that Kyungsoo wonders if he’s hallucinating. Truth be told, Jongdae wouldn’t really know whether or not he’s hallucinating, to him everything feels utterly and completely real. That said, right now, he knows that the pain that’s causing him to sob is not in his mind.

“No,” he whispers and his head explodes in pain at the sound. This is the worst Jongdae has felt in a long time. He needs painkillers and he needs them now. Preferably a lot of them, enough to make him sleep for the next many hours or days. Enough for the headache to never ever return again. Kyungsoo doesn’t get to make the offer before Chanyeol walks into the living room, stops midway in his yawn and looks at the two of them.

“Is he okay?” he asks Kyungsoo and Jongdae tries to drown out their conversation because the noise makes his head hurt more, even if he thought that was impossible. Chanyeol places a large hand on Jongdae’s forehead to confirm his fever and nods to something Kyungsoo says.

When Jongdae is asked to open his eyes, he does so only reluctantly. Light doesn’t make his headache any less and he breathes shallowly to combat the pain. , this is the worst ever. As his vision clears he finds a glass of water and two Tylenol in front of him. He takes the pill slowly, one after the other and lays back down on the pillow and closes his eyes.

From the kitchen he hears Chanyeol and Kyungsoo talk about his antipsychotics but he never makes the connection and falls asleep.

Jongdae feels better when he wakes up. He’s awfully dizzy and he crawls his way to the kitchen so he doesn’t fall down and hurts himself, but the headache is gone. The voices aren’t that distant any longer, berating him for being in physical pain like Jongdae had any choice himself. He pulls himself from the floor with the help of the counter and finds the package of his medication. Beside the package lies the leaflet and Jongdae pulls it towards him and start reading.

Very common side effects, he reads. Headache, insomnia, drowsiness. Common side effects. Fever, flu-like symptoms, increased or decreased appetite, pain. Jongdae stops reading and throws the leaflet back on the counter. Side effects. He’s not even ill. He can’t even garner sympathy or drown in self-misery because he’s not even physically sick. Just experiencing side effects of his medication. He sinks to the floor and the voices laugh at him. Loser, they scream and laugh again. Such a loser, loser, loser. Jongdae is a loser. He cradles his head in his hands again, this time not because of pain but because he doesn’t know where else to put them to combat the voices.

Chanyeol finds him in the kitchen when he returns home. Worry immediately flashes in his eyes and he drops his bag without care and squats down in front of Jongdae.

“Jongdae?” he asks cautiously and Jongdae looks up with a gaze Chanyeol can’t decipher.

“Side effects,” Jongdae says hoarsely. “I have side effects. I’m so ing useless.”

Then he bursts into tears and buries in Chanyeol’s chest and Chanyeol doesn’t know what else to do but hug him closer and let him cry.

The blue artificial light from the computer is beginning to hurt his eyes but Jongdae continues his search through the web. He’s been looking for something to do while Chanyeol, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo are at work and the apartment is clean. There is nothing much he can to but clean and the other three don’t mess up that much in the time they’re home.

It was Chanyeol’s idea. Kyungsoo and Joonmyun had been pitching in, suggesting evening classes and going to the gym but Jongdae doesn’t want either of those. Going to evening classes is likely to remind him of the failure he was in school and the voices won’t ever be silenced enough for him to get his high school diploma so Jongdae has quickly gotten rid of that idea.

Going to the gym is physical exercise and while Jongdae is in no way an unhealthy man, he’s just not ready to get stared at by people who take their health way too serious. He’s also a little scared of triggering something that can have him sent back to the hospital. So he’s looking for something else. There is a sculpturing club close to the apartment and there are volunteer businesses in the area as well. It has to be possible to find something.

Jongdae doesn’t look up from the computer where he’s reading about volunteering at the Red Cross as a visiting friend, when the door slams closed and a large sigh sounds from the hallway. He doesn’t look up when Chanyeol walks into the living room, head hanging low and moist eyes blinking quickly to remove the tears of frustration. It isn’t until Chanyeol sits down beside Jongdae with another loud sigh that Jongdae looks up and he blinks in surprise at the sight of his tall friend clearly frustrated.

“What’s wrong?” Jongdae asks and Chanyeol rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands, trying to remove all signs of tears but he’s unsuccessful.

“It’s just ..” Chanyeol starts, but then gives up and shakes his head. “You don’t want to know.”

Jongdae frowns in offense. Why wouldn’t he want to know? The voices giggles at him but Jongdae shoves them away, tries not to let them get to him. Chanyeol needs a friend and Jongdae is not going to let him be without one, not after everything Chanyeol has done for him. He waits in silence while Chanyeol sighs and leans back in the couch. 1 minute later he leans forward again, twists and turns to find a good position before he rests his elbows on his knees and puts his chin in his hands and stares ahead.

“My boss is such an idiot,” he says silently and Jongdae widens his eyes in surprise. He doesn’t know what he was expecting but it wasn’t Chanyeol’s boss being a jerk.

“Why?” he asks silently, scared of interrupting a monologue and reminding Chanyeol of whom he’s talking to.

“For one he believes kids who misbehave should be punished by standing with their hands raised. He thinks learning should be books and tests and more books and it’s not ..” Chanyeol looks up and faces Jongdae. “It’s not how I teach.”

Chanyeol lights up and Jongdae pulls his leg under himself so he sits more comfortably, facing Chanyeol and closing the computer.

“They’re only 2nd graders. They don’t learn from being tested into oblivion! They’ll be tested so much throughout their entire education, you know the pressure is cruel. It shouldn’t be like that in 2nd grade. 2nd grade should be fun!”

Jongdae nods. Chanyeol is probably right. Jongdae hasn’t been around kids for a long time and he doesn’t remember 2^nd grade from back when he was 9-years old. It feels like ages ago. Chanyeol sighs deeply again and his gaze finds the floor again.

“I’m sorry,” he says and Jongdae puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, no, don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’m totally on your side.” Chanyeol looks up again with a crease of confusion showing in his forehead. “Elementary school should be fun. It’s going to be dreadful later on, the kids might as well have fun while they learn curriculum, right?”

Jongdae tilts his head just slightly and Chanyeol lights up in a smile.

“Right!” he says before he launches into a conversation about pedagogy and what teaching methods that he enjoys the most. Jongdae doesn’t know what most of it means but Chanyeol’s passion is obvious and the frustration of working with someone who doesn’t have the same values as Chanyeol is clearly showing.

They sit on the couch while time pass and the conversation topics begin to change when Chanyeol asks what Jongdae has been doing all day and Jongdae excitedly tells him about the volunteer program and perhaps helping elderly women who feel lonely.

Joonmyun enters two hours later and immediately retreats to his own room under the guise of planning homework for next day but both Jongdae and Chanyeol knows it might be something else entirely.

They start dinner together, cooking and messing up vegetables and rice. Chanyeol laughs hard when Jongdae screws up the rice and Jongdae makes fun of Chanyeol when he almost cuts his fingers instead of the zucchini. Despite their minor accidents in the kitchen and the red pepper paste that somehow ends up on the floor, they manage to create a decent dinner. Kyungsoo steps inside and wrinkles his nose at the smell in the apartment.

“Did Chanyeol cook?” he asks and Jongdae bursts out into laughter, Chanyeol spluttering unhelpfully. Kyungsoo only takes one look at their plates before he loudly announces he’ll be out with a few coworkers. It’s a lie, but nobody says anything when Kyungsoo leaves the apartment again.

Jongdae folds his legs under him on the chair as he eats his dinner while the safety and the well-known of Chanyeol, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo seeps into his body. He’s welcome here, even with the voices, the medication and his insanity.

It’s a rainy day and Jongdae is staring out the kitchen window, hoping it can wash away the dirt so he doesn’t have to clean the windows. He’s home alone and he’s got nothing else to do. He has spent the past few days thinking a lot about Chanyeol’s problem. It’s obvious to all of them that Chanyeol is stressed out from work because he has a headache more often and he’s grumpier than usual. Jongdae can’t get him to laugh the same way he used to and it bothers him. He wants to help the taller man the same way Chanyeol helped him, but how can he possibly help when he doesn’t even have a high school diploma.

Jongdae sinks onto the couch and pulls his legs towards his chest so he can curl up and become small while he lets the whispers in his mind berate him. He hasn’t told Chanyeol about his life at the mental institution but with how close they’ve become in the past weeks, Jongdae has started to think he deserves to know. If Chanyeol can open up about what stresses him, Jongdae can talk about himself as well. It’s not like Chanyeol hasn’t seen the worst of his psychosis in recent times.

The door opens and Jongdae lifts his head from where it has been resting on his knees. The rain is still pounding on the windows and obscuring the world outside. The front door slams and a curse word sounds throughout the apartment, but Jongdae doesn’t get to ask who’s home before a dripping wet Joonmyun stands in the doorway to the living room. He holds up a piece of folded paper in his hands, the edges tearing slowly apart.

“Who are you?” he asks and Jongdae curls back into the couch at the hostility of his voice. Joonmyun hands him the paper and when Jongdae folds it out he finds his own face staring at him from the wet paper, large letters on top of the paper spelling out MISSING. He blinks for a few seconds before the reality of it all sinks in.

“I ..” he says and then forgets what he wants to say. Joonmyun is standing before him, water dripping onto the carpet and his wet socks making footprints. Jongdae stares at the message of the missing note, the desperation etched into the words.

Our son has been missing the past month, please help us find him. His name is Kim Jongdae, he is 25 years old. If you know anything, contact us.

There’s a well-known telephone number below the message and the pictures of him and an email address he hasn’t seen in a while. Joonmyun is staring at him, waiting for an answer but Jongdae can’t provide him anything. He is – quite clearly – the person on the missing person poster in his hands and he can’t possibly explain to Joonmyun that Chanyeol found him while psychotic and he just conveniently forgot to tell his parents.

The truth is, though, that Jongdae genuinely did forget about them. He’s been so used to not contacting them from the hospital more than once a month and he has had so much fun with Chanyeol that the whispers of the voices must have drowned out the guilt of forgetting his parents. When nobody says anything for a minute, Jongdae sighs and puts the poster down.

“You should change your clothes. I’ll tell you but only when you stop dripping water onto the floor.”

Joonmyun blinks as if coming out of a trance and looks towards the floor before he curses. He sends Jongdae a glare before he retreats into his room. When he emerges again, now dressed in his pyjamas, Jongdae is gently letting his fingers run over his own picture on the soaked paper. He feels the dip of the couch when Joonmyun sits beside him, silence slowly enveloping them in the living room.

“So..” Joonmyun starts and Jongdae removes his fingers and leans back into the couch and closes his eyes. Here goes nothing.

“Chanyeol probably told you I’m schizophrenic,” Jongdae starts but Joonmyun’s facial expression has him pausing. “Right?”

Joonmyun closes his mouth after a few seconds and blinks twice before he shakes his head slightly.

“What?” he asks and Jongdae widens his eyes in surprise. He knows both Joonmyun and Kyungsoo know about his antipsychotics so why would Chanyeol not have told them he’s schizophrenic? It makes so little sense to him that when Joonmyun shakes his head again and asks him to repeat what he just said, Jongdae doesn’t react at all.

“Jongdae?” Joonmyun asks again and pokes a finger in his shoulder. Jongdae blinks and shifts on the couch so he fits himself snuggly into the corner and tugs his knees against his chest.

“Why did you think I was on antipsychotics if not because of schizophrenia?” Jongdae asks and Joonmyun shrugs a little. He fumbles with his sleeves before he looks up.

“I thought they were for mania or bipolar disorder or something like that. I can’t .. You’re schizophrenic?”

Jongdae nods. Here we go, he thinks and lets the voices laugh at him like always. It’s only becoming louder now that anxiety mixes in with the guilt of having forgotten his parents, but Joonmyun doesn’t make any move to kick him out of the apartment.

“Oh wow,” he says after a minute or two and Jongdae shrugs a little. “I would’ve never really guessed. Is that why you didn’t tell your parents where you went? Ran away from home?”

The question catches Jongdae off guard and he shakes his head. Joonmyun’s guesses make it sound like he was abused at home and deliberately fled, hoping no one would find him. Joonmyun tilts his head in question and Jongdae takes a deep breath before he answers.

“No, it’s nothing like that. My parents picked me up from Misty Vale Mental Hospital and they forgot,” he makes air quotes around forgot and then continues, “to bring my medicine so I ended up in one of the worst psychoses I’ve ever had. Chanyeol found me on the streets and almost busted his own in the hospital while waiting for me to wake up. He brought me here and I ... I guess I forgot about my parents, really. It’s just been so nice to be here.”

When he finishes, Jongdae look warily at Joonmyun. Joonmyun has a neutral expression on his face and Jongdae may hate it a little. He’s scared of being kicked out, of being scolded and berated for lying to them, but nothing happens until Joonmyun sends him a small smile.

“You should probably call your parents and tell them you’re okay,” he says and Jongdae worries his lower lip between his teeth for a second or two before he nods and agrees. That may be a good idea. “Want a cup of tea?” Joonmyun asks when he gets up from the couch. Jongdae tilts his head in question and Joonmyun just shrugs a little. “You can use my phone to call them if you don’t want to use your own. Anyway, I’m making tea.”

Then he leaves the living room and Jongdae sits on the couch, facing the coffee table where Joonmyun’s phone lies beside the soaked poster. He can hear the other man working in the kitchen, the electric kettle being and mugs being placed on counters.

The voices in his mind is telling him to crumble up the poster, forget about his parents and reminds of what can possibly be their only reaction to him being gone for so long without any word of where he’s been, but Jongdae takes a different decision and defies them. It makes him strangely proud, even though nobody knows of the battle with his mind right now.

In the end, he grabs his own phone and when the first dial tone goes through, he feels his heart speed up and his hands get clammy. His mother picks up right after the second ring.

“Jongdae?” she says, her voice desperate and heartwrenching.

“Mom?” he asks in a question, even though there’s no doubt it’s her.

“It’s you,” she says and sobs into the phone and Jongdae’s heart curls in guilt. He’s so sorry he’s caused so much pain. It hurts to hear her cry but he knows he doesn’t want to leave the apartment. Living with Chanyeol, Joonmyun and Kyungsoo has given him a normal life, a life where he doesn’t need to be picture perfect but also a life where his disease doesn’t ruin even the most basic tasks.

“It’s really you. Where are you, sweetheart? We missed you so much! I’ll come pick you up right away! Just tell me where you are.”

”I’m with a friend,” Jongdae says and he can hear her breath hitch.

“A friend?” she asks all quietly as if she doesn’t truly believe he has friends. Jongdae nods before he remembers she can’t see him and he stalls and looks around embarrassed, hoping that Joonmyun hasn’t seen him. Joonmyun is still in the kitchen, though.

“Mmhm, yeah, a friend. Look mom, I won’t be coming home today but I promise I’ll see you and dad soon. I’m safe, okay? You don’t have to worry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before. I really am!”

“I’m just relieved you’re safe, honey. I love you. Come home soon, okay?” she whispers and Jongdae promises, although he’s not sure whether or not he’ll be able to keep it for a very long time. When he hangs up, his hands are trembling and he falls back into the couch.

Joonmyun enters from the kitchen with a mug of tea and rests it on his thighs.

“Wanna know a secret?” he says and Jongdae looks at him confused. Joonmyun raises an eyebrow as a repeat of his question and Jongdae shrugs. It can’t possibly be worse than being schizophrenic and forgetting to call your parents, leading them to file a missing person’s report.

“I used to be a donor,” Joonmyun says and takes a sip of his tea to hide his grin. It’s not very effective but Jongdae lets him have it.

“How’s that a secret?” he asks and Joonmyun looks at him scandalized.

“Kyungsoo and Chanyeol don’t know. I was in financial trouble, it paid well and it was pretty easy. Except I got a text two years ago that my has now been used because I was stupid enough to not be an anonymous donor which means ...”

He leaves the sentence hanging and Jongdae catches on.

“You’re the biological father to some kid out there.”

When he says the words out loud, the severity of them weighs on him and he whistles quietly at Joonmyun who shrugs nonchalantly.

“Wow, Joonmyun. Why haven’t you told Kyungsoo and Chanyeol?”

Joonmyun looks at him like he’s crazy. Maybe he is.

“They might be my best friends, but they don’t need to know about that. It’s between you and me. And maybe you should throw that away because Chanyeol will be home any second now and Kyungsoo won’t be far behind.”

Jongdae only gets to crumble up the paper and throw it in the garbage can before the front door opens and Chanyeol lets out a loud pathetic yowl and sinks to the floor, only for Kyungsoo to curse him heavily when he almost trips on the other man. Joonmyun sends Jongdae a smile and hurries back into his bedroom so he doesn’t get between his friends and their hallway battle.

Jongdae stops in his tracks when he’s almost run over by a kid on their bike followed by a friend on a scooter. Someone screams to his right and Jongdae covers his ears slightly with a wince. This is so much worse than he predicted combined with the voices in his mind screaming at him from all angles. It’s a cacophony of sounds and he’s about to squat to the ground and cover his ears when he notices a tall person in the periphery. Jongdae squints, focusing on the man as he lifts a crying girl into his arms, wiping her tears and talking to her softly. It’s not that Jongdae can hear what’s being said but the image of Chanyeol being so gentle is enough to soothe him as well, enough to make the chaos a little less chaotic.

When Chanyeol notices him, he waves and Jongdae slowly makes his way towards him. Chanyeol puts the girl down on the ground and sends her off towards her classmates and Jongdae is close enough to hear what he says. It makes him smile.

This is the first time they meet at the elementary school where Chanyeol teaches. It had been Kyungsoo’s idea as a way to avoid grocery shopping but Jongdae hadn’t been all that averse to it. In fact, he really wanted to see what the school was like. It has been ages since Jongdae has stepped foot in an elementary school but it’s obvious that the taller man loves it very much. He seems very much at home around all the kids, not like Jongdae who’s still focusing entirely on his friends.

“Jongdae!” Chanyeol says and grabs his wrist to pull him towards the main building. He calls after a child that zooms past them and laughs when Jongdae winces at the voices that are now getting louder again as he stops focusing on Chanyeol.

The inside of school is quieter than outside but it doesn’t lessen the noise inside Jongdae’s mind. Chanyeol doesn’t seem to notice, however, when he starts packing his stuff into his bag. Jongdae sinks onto one of the tiny chairs, knees propped against his chest while Chanyeol continues telling him about his day, half of which Jongdae misses because of snickers and crude remarks at the back of his mind.

It isn’t until Chanyeol reaches a hand out towards him that Jongdae realizes that Chanyeol is done talking about his day.

“Let’s go home,” he says and Jongdae grabs his hand and allows Chanyeol to pull him to his feet again. They leave the school and Jongdae forces the voices in his mind down to a dull whisper, the one that always lingers behind and can’t be removed, no matter how strong his antipsychotics are. They end up on a green patch of grass in front of the apartment complex, soaking up the late spring sun while cloudgazing.

“Look at that!” Jongdae says and points to a sky. “It’s a dinosaur.”

Chanyeol snorts but agrees before he points to another sky and declares it a rather fat bunny. Jongdae can’t see it so he shakes his head with laughter and closes his eyes. The sun heats up his cheeks and his black hair feels like it’s almost burning. It leads him back to memories of the mental institution and the nurses, to doctor’s and summer evenings when he was allowed outside. It even springs out a few memories from before the fateful day where he lunged towards his classmate as a 15-year-old in psychosis.

Jongdae is happy in the sun, even with the voices berating him and Chanyeol’s excited voice in the distance. There is so much to life right now this moment, so much he needs to do. The life he used to find so hard to live no longer seems too unbearable and his future doesn’t seem bleak anymore.

“I want to finish high school,” he says out loud, stopping Chanyeol midway in his sentence.

“What?” Chanyeol asks. Jongdae opens his eyes so he can send Chanyeol a bright smile. His eyes speak for themselves, confirms his words, but Jongdae lets the words out again, stronger this time, the determination shining through in his voice.

“I never got to finish high school. I want a high school diploma.”

"But I thought?" Chanyeol starts and Jongdae turns his head to look at him. 

"Maybe it's not impossible after all." 

Jongdae shrugs a little, knowing full well that a high school diploma had been a dream he hadn't dare dream even a few days ago but today in the sun, it feels possible. He doesn't have to find something less, he doesn't need to settle. He isn't limited by his schizophrenia.

Chanyeol seems a little confused but soon softens into a smile. He turns his gaze towards the sky and nods. His eyes squint together so he isn’t blinded by the sun and Jongdae closes his eyes again. The desire hangs in the air but for the first time in a long while, Jongdae thinks it’s an achievable goal. He can do this. He’s not alone anymore.

They get up when a breeze makes it too cold to lie in the grass. They race up the stairs, Jongdae winning with a victorious dance. Chanyeol shoves him lightly but Jongdae doesn’t mind too much. He’ll get revenge later when he fights Chanyeol on the xbox anyway.