"Don't think that I give my all just because you requested it. I do this because you're important for me."

Even after three weeks, I can't help but to feel a tingling wave of sadness upon reading the message. Knowing that he's being honest doesn't make it better for me. I know it's just me who thinks too much than I should be.

All of his text messages were erased from my phone accidentally days before he sent me that message. What left for me are some screenshots of our conversation that I took randomly to keep just because I felt like it.

A friend of me said that it's better for me to forget everything since it would just torture me even more, to text first, to give attention when he has stopped giving it the way he did before, to see him who has different feeling towards me while remembering everything ever happened between us.

But I don't want to forget. I want to be okay with remembering.

And that's exactly why I should endure this heartbreak.

 

---

 

"Jeonghan?"

It was lunchbreak time when I saw him at a cafe five years ago, sitting alone with a plate of food. He greeted me with a wide grin, definitely didn't expect my office was next to the random cafe he picked for lunch.

Since my friends were waiting for me, I asked for his current phone number, assuring him that we should catch up later. It was nothing but a polite gesture from me, really. He's always been one of good guys around and it would be nice to know how he was lately.

So we talked, updating each other about what we're currently doing. Me with my work environment and other things in life, him with studying for master degree and work at the same time.

"Hey, come to think of it, care to accompany me for a movie today?"

I popped out that random question during our conversation and, still, even though there is distance between us now, I never regret asking it as it's the reason we became closer than just college friends.

Who could have guess that one single question would bring us to hours of phone calls, continuous messages, unexpected confessions, miserable tears, and words of apology?

I don't know exactly how it actually started but as long as I could remember, the conversation between us never stopped for days and even weeks. We even had a phone call for five hours -- a moment that amazed us because we still could go on if not for the low battery life.

We talked about everything: from the past college life, our ex-lovers, the daily routine, our favorite movies, things we would like to do. I guess this is what people called good chemistry.

Strange but true, because we rarely agree on something except of the commitment to keep promises and how we much we value friendship. He is an extrovert who loves to spend time around people while I am an introvert who prefers to be alone in the crowd. He has such an optimistic view of life, contrasting to me who questions every possibility with concerns.

We don't share the same favorite food or hobbies at all. Even the smallest thing as how he prefers any place with low temperature while I cannot live without my jacket since I'm weak with cold weather, we're completely different. Being the easy-going himself, most of the time his personality just clashes with my cautious side. Then again we never argue.

We love to discuss any different opinion between us and we'll end up respecting both sides. Everything can be discussed and there will always be the best option to choose.

Or at least we thought so at that time.

 

---

 

"It was fun," I murmur, propping my chin on palm as my finger twirls around my drinking straw. "Those days."

My best friend frowns upon my sudden statement, tilting her head slightly. We're at our favorite coffee shop, enjoying the Sunday afternoon to share our random thoughts. Apparently my head is currently full of Jeonghan and my own stupidity so my friend should bear with it.

"You remember that I once told you that I confessed to him four years ago, right?" I look at her, glad that she shows a sign that she knows what I'm talking about. "Even after I knew he's in love with someone else?"

She nods, crossing her hands as she leans on the sofa, "A confession over the phone, right? You delivered his favorite cake in the morning before the confession, no?"

I chuckle, realizing how stupid it sounds now but I still have no regret when it comes to him. Movies for two, dinner with his friends, new year celebration, sudden short trip for holiday. I still cherish all those moments, every single one.

 

---

 

Four months after our first movie-date -- or at least I could say so -- I asked him directly if he had someone he liked. With all things he did, all the moments we shared, my friends convinced me that he definitely would return my feeling but somehow my heart spoke otherwise. Therefore I let the question to slip and the seconds of hesitation from him felt like an hour for me.

"I cannot tell you the name yet."

That one answer hit me hard because it confirmed my doubt and, at the same time, it actually meant I knew the person.

And, to realize that I already passed the third stage of feeling towards him, it really didn't help anything but to let the heartbreak knocked my heart again.

Still he had not realized my feeling yet when I asked the question.

With only a slight chance -- or even zero expectation -- for his heart to change, I decided to confess to him weeks after the truth was given. That I saw him more than just a friend, someone who could make me comfortable and honest to myself, the person who never failed to make me smile just by seeing his name on my phone.

"Ah, I'm... I'm so thankful to know that but... I think you're an amazing best friend."

Best friend.

It's an acknowledgement that is really important for me since both of us think of friendship as a very valuable part of life. He doesn't really call everyone around him as best friend and, he said once, I'm one of the best keepers of his life history.

With that, what could I say to him but a gratitude?

"Thank you. Let's stay this way, okay? Friends?"

I told myself that it would be alright because we're good friends. We continued our conversations as if the confession never took place. Unfortunately I had let myself taking steps to the fourth stage.

Not exactly there but within my reach already. I needed distance to adjust my feeling, returning it back to the earlier stage. I wanted everything to stay as it was because, putting aside how I yearned for him, I liked us as friends as well.

Then again, I guess as long as you care, something will always hurt.

-

Author Note:
Some quotes in this chapter belongs to @farawaypoetry and @rmdrk on Instagram.