Later that night that I got the news from my mom, I was hardly able to sleep. Too many things were going on inside my head. One is about my parents' divorce. Two is about my life being with a single mother. I have to help her with her expense because her income would not be enough for us to survive. Three is my work was not really well paid, just enough for my own expense. I had lots of work loads. Four, my life. I need to tell them but things were all the mess now.

I didn't know if telling them about my uality would help the situation better or worse.

Would my confession bend my father's heart and make him feel sorry for me and still stay with me?
Would my confession make him mad and leave us without regret?

How could I make him stay? What should I say? What should I do? I really did not have any idea what to do.

Suddenly, my phone rang. It was my hometown friend. She knew about my family problems. She told me a lot of things that night such as similar things happened to her family and how she dealt with it by begging her father to stay. And now her family were altoghter. 

I remember one of her quote saying "Do thing that you will not regret. Do it when you still have a chance. Do thing without being afraid of the word WHAT IF"

Right! I decided to tried my best to convince my father. I already prepared my mind about whatever result I could get. I would accept everything.
So I went back to my hometown with a heavy heart. Bring both of my sisters with me to meet him at his relative's house. 

There were lot of words exchange, telling, explaining, convincing, begging, longing, pleading, crying. That was the day That I would never forget in my life. 

Wait wait wait. Penquin! Are you crying? Why are you wet? 

Oh sorry to blame you. No way you can shed the tears because you are just a book. But why are you wet? I won't tell you.

To make long story short, after like two hours long talking with my father, he said that we should go home first, he agreed he would go back later. He promised.

And he broke it.

Thinking back to when my family were still together, even though they did not have much arguement they also did not have much agreement either. They both spent the unhappy days. Both would not be happy being together. We already knew that our father had someone new. I thought they both might feel happier living their life separately.

Few months later, they finally had come to an agreement. Divorce.

My dad left all the properties for us, except one old motorbike that he took with. That is what we thought, which is opposite from my mother thought. We had no idea. 

Our lives went on not as hard as I thought it would be. I and my mom became closer than ever. My mother has become more outgoing than before that she had always been staying at home.

I needed to wait for the storm to calm down before throwing another issue to them.

Around one year later.....

One cold night of September 2017, when I was at my hometown sleeping altogether with my mom and sister, after the light had switched off, this happended.

I started "I have something to tell all of you"

Taking a deep breath and tried to start again with the shaking voice "I am so nervous. I don't know where I should start."

"What is it, son? Why are you acting like this?"

Another deep breath.

"Mom! What I am going to tell you might not be what you want to hear. But I have to tell you anyway. I might not be a good son. I might not be a good brother. But I really tried to be one. Though I try, I know I can not be what you really want. I can not be like the other son in our village. I am different. I...(sigh) I don't like girl. But the opposite...I...It...I..."

After a long pause and spilling tears, I continued

" I have been living like wearing a mask for about 20 years. I did it because I don't want people talk bad about our family. I was afraid. I have been hiding what I want to say, to do, or to feel. But mom, I am so tired now. I cannot hold it back anymore. I wonder why I cannot just being myself. Why do I have to hide it? What would it feel to be your real self? So tired of being fake. I have been trying to tell all of you many times but always fail. This time I will not fail anymore. Mom! I want to live my life. To do what I want. I don't want to live with regret anymore. I already prepared myself what would come to me. Mistreatmet, prejuding, discriminate from other people. I will not care about them. They have mouth, they can say what they want. But they don't own my life. It's me. I will lead my own life by my own way. I can not be someone they want me to be. I will be who I am. I know all of you might cannot accept this fact, it is alright to me. I will be strong. But be sure that I will always be your son and brother. Nothing is going to change. From now on, I will live my life to the fullest without regret."

During my confession, I heard my sister wishper to each other that they also had gay friends. And it is ok with them. That made me feel really really happy. I was happy that they can understand about this problem.  

Then I heard my mom said "No, son. You are not like that. You are not. Do not say thing like that." 

My heart sank.

"No mom, That is what I am. That is real."

"Son, you are just confused about yourself. You can see some people around the village. The guys who act feminine also get married to a girl and have children. Don't you worry. Stop crying and go to sleep. "

"No, mom! You don't understand. I can never be with a girl. Not to talk about having children. Don't ever force me into a marriage. I will not accept it." 

"You are not like that. Just go to sleep. Okay? Sleep!"

I know arguing with her would not go anywhere further because I knew she just could not accept the fact that her only son is a gay. I just hoped time would help her to understand about me. 

After speaking out those word with my family, I felt lighter than ever. Though that night I could not fall asleep right away, I was kind of happy about what I did that night. The next day, they acted normally like nothing had happened and I was okay with it. 

Not long after that, my middle sister graduated from highschool and had to come to continue study in the university and stay with me in the city. 

By living with my sister helping me a lot. She help to cook. She keep me company when I go outside. I can discuss with her about stupid little things. Moreover, I become more comfortable talking about cute and handsome guys in front of her. HAHA. But the best of having her with me was it helped me not to feel lonely. Because when I was living alone, there were somedays I laugh and cry and smile like crazy. Thinking about problems, imagine about happy life. So stupid of me. 

Okay! That's enough with my dramatic life. Penguin! Can you guess what is my friends reaction when I come out to them? 

Er... Early of this January, I decided to come out to my friends by sending them message to Facebook group chat. There are only me and 3 of my best friends in the group. 

"HEY GUYS! You know what? I am GAY"

Silent. No response from anyone. ! I sent message during working hour.

A moment later, a messenger notification showed up. I went right after to check it. What I got was "Why?"

I think to myselft "Damn, that was the most stupid question I would ever get"

I did not reply and wait to see more reactions.

Then, someone sent a voice message. I was nervous to hear what they are going to say. I pressed my phone to play the voice message. Damn, they talked about their awesome weekend. 
Then they started to talk some .

OMG MY FRIEND ARE IGNORING ME.