Entering their room, Youngmin’s elder brother asked it suddenly: „So do you still want to be an idol, hu?„ His family didn’t drag up this topic after he went home from Produce 101 Season 2 a week ago. The second-born boy was thankful because they were such understanding. There was no need for words. They could see the sadness in his gaze and how little he ate from his favourite foods while trying to look happy. He turned away from his brother to gaze through the window. „I don’t know hyung....I worked so much ....but it still wasn’t enough....I don’ t know what would I do anymore...” he replied finally. He didn’t want his hyungff to see him as his eyes filled with tears again. He hated those small drops, they made him weak and pathetic. He wanted to show his family he was fine even though he hadn’t got into Wanna One. He wanted to show he was strong and he would fulfill his dream one day in the future. „You said you would give up trying...because of your age,.....you know” his elder brother said carefully, rubbing the back of his neck. Youngmin swallowed hard and forced back his tears „....well I think you should open a dance studio here in Busan instead of running after a foolish dream...... Believe me! One day you will forget the whole thing and you will be happy. Look at me! I’m so satisfied now. I have a pretty fiancée and a good job though I wanted to be an actor in the past. Finally I have become an adult......Let children dream, you aren’t one anymore.” He felt guilty about bursting his bubble. But his little brother had to wake up from his dream and live as a grown -up man. The younger’s tears started rolling down his face. 

        Despite his words, the elder just wanted to protect Youngmin from the cruel world of show-business. The truth he never wanted the younger to become a singer, he was afread of he would have a miserable life, living in the spotlight alone. He couldn’t meet his family, he couldn’t have a girlfriend and couldn’t go to party with his friends. He had seen what happened when that rumor about his alleged girlfriend appeared in the media during the show. Poor boy and his family got a lot of hater letters and comments though it was only a fake news. Youngmin always worked hard to make his dream come true. How could he start dating someone in that situation? He knew him well, he was more interested in writing raps than running after girls. He couldn’t remember a time when he saw his dongseng with a female. There were times, he had suspected he loved boys more than girls because he had only male friends. Then he thought the younger was only too shy to show his feelings to girls. 

         Still, how would his little brother live a happy life if he wasn’t free. He hated this thought. „I know I’m not a child anymore but.....I can’t give up this dream, hyung...never” Youngmin said it suddenly, turning towards his brother. He couldn’t understand why, but as Donghyun's smiling face appeared very clear in his mind's eye, he felt he could do everything. He always became stronger while this warm feeling was spreading through his whole body. He never thought of what did it mean. He just let this sensation ran through him. „I need to talk to Rhymer. I go back to Seoul....” he said and started packing his stuffs into his bag. „What do you want to do there?!” shouted his brother. He couldn’t understand what had just happened with his dongsaeng? „One day....one day you will see it...at least...I hope it ...”  he said it smiling with tearful eyes. That week it was the first time he looked happy for real. He took BNB necklace and decided to wear it again, then left the room in a hurry. He said a short goodbye to his parents and his dongsaeng, who couldn’t understand anything, they were just happy because they could see him smiling again. After he had rushed out of the house, they asked his elder brother why had he left their home so sudden. „I don’t know ...Maybe he is out of his mind. He cries and laughs at the same time.” he said and went back into his room. The parents just looked at each other with fear in their eyes. 

        Despite his brother’s opinion, Youngmin knew he didn’t go crazy at all. Actually he took a new lease of his life. He felt light, lighter than ever all in his years. Maybe he could fly like birds if he tried. The heavy thing that was on his shoulder so long disappeared. He did’t know exactly what he would say to the CEO, but he knew something surely he was never going to give up on his dream.  If it was childish, he would be a big child in his whole life. He couldn’t live without this warm feeling inside him. Donghyun’s words were ringing in his ears, „Hyung...I know you can do it....I’ m sure you will be the most popular idol in Korea one day.  Just be strong now. Show them how good the Brand New Boys are. You know you have to work instead of me, too. If you stand on the stage with your Wanna One members, I will be your fan and cheer you....Hyung fighting!!!” He  was about to leave the dorm, after he had been eliminated. He smiled as always but his eyes didn’t shine as bright as they used to. Youngmin couldn’t say anything. He only looked at him silently leaving the room where they had lived together during the competiton. After Donghyun had left that place, the air became colder. However, there were other trainees, the older boy felt lost and alone. 

         He looked down onto DongDong’s empty bed. When he had been there, Youngmin could hear his little chuckles, watching films on his tablet with earpieces. About half an hour later he could hear his small breathing, sleeping peacefully. There were nights when he just stared at his dongsaeng dreaming sweetly in the moonlight. How could someone be so perfect?  Eyes ...was pefect ✅ Nose was perfect ✅ Lips was more than perfect ✅ He just looked like an angel. Youngmin thought about such things a lot. There were evenings when he fell asleep looking at the younger boy. Well it was a very unusual pose, that made others in the room laugh at him. It became his odd sleeping habit. Nobody knew the real reason. It happened because of that always-smiling boy who was his partner in everything from the moment he had joined the company. He was always there for him. When he cried Donghyun would pat his back, comforting him and make him happy with his Dad jokes.

         He gave him the Alpaca nickname, too. Youngmin never thought he would be happy if someone told him he looked like an animal, but if the younger called him Alpaca, it was okay. When DongDongie, as Youngmin petted his dongsaeng, appeared in practice room using his nickname for him: „Paca...Paca ...where are you?”  the older always became extremely happy, because it meant he could look the other’s beautiful smile again. He never tried giving these feelings a name because it was too scary. It was just a good feeling what he let it be in his heart and let it grow there. 

        While thinking about such things, he arrived at the airport. The traveling went eventless, only some girls recognized him. He was thankful when they didn’t push their mobilphones into his face to take some photos of him. They only said him: ”You are so handsome ..... We are your fans, oppa......Fighting!!!” then they left him alone that was to say they followed him for a while, but when he took on a bus they also went to their way. He thought he would live his life this way as an idol in the future. It was not that bad as his brother had said.

Recommended songs : Eric Nam – 4a.m., Eric Nam - Love song, Kevin Oh – Be my light, Sandeul – One more step