Was there ever once in your life where you felt like a science specimen being examined? Or when you needed to perform or speak before a huge crowd and the moment you stepped on the stage you could feel their judging penetrating gaze, zeroing in on you from head to toe, trying to find your weakness?

That was how I felt the moment I stepped into the room.

My footsteps echoed in the wooden floor and all four heads of the judges swiveled towards me.

Scary.

I kept my head down and continued walking towards the judges, feeling myself getting smaller from their appraising stares.

Eventually, I reached my destination. I stopped in front of them and handed them my application form with my picture plastered in front of it while sneaking a glance at one person in particular. What I saw immediately rooted me at the spot.

Crap. Bang Shi Hyuk PD – Nim is glaring daggers at me.

I’ve always thought Bang Shi Hyuk PD – nim to be sweet, warm and fatherly like he was Winnie the Pooh who was always willing to give you honey and lots of love.

Yet, looking at him at that moment, he was far from the cuddly image I had of him. He looked like he would eat me up if I proved less than inferior. He meant business.

Well, there goes the additional pressure.

Inhaling deeply, I gingerly went up the small podium a few steps north of the judges, then bowed to them respectfully.

“Annyeonghaseyo.”, I greeted them. “Jeoneun Y/N. Semeulhanasal imnida. Cheoeum boepgesseumnida.” (Hello. My name is Y/N. I am 21 years old. Nice to meet you.)

I lingered on bowing for a few seconds then stood straight up. Next, I gauged their reactions. They seemed surprised that I could speak Korean despite not looking like one. However, I can’t be complacent yet. I steeled myself for questions they might ask of me.

A few moments later, the female judge on the rightmost whose name card I read as Lee Mi Ja, spoke up first. “Geuleonikka, Y/N – ssi, neoneun hangug salam-i aniya?”(So, Y/N – ssi, you’re not Korean?)

“Ne.” I replied. “Naneun pillipin-eseo wassseubnida.” (Yes. I’m from the Philippines.)

Then I began to worry. What if they start asking more questions in Korean? I may not be able to answer them and my chances of being accepted will be slimmer than ever!

Better be honest then be two-faced.

Again, I took a deep breath.

“Sasil-eun, naneun hangug-e yuchanghaji anhda.” (Actually, I’m not fluent in Korean.) , I admitted.

Immediately, the panelists threw dubious glances among each other.

Crap.

“However, I am continuously learning! I have a Korean friend who’s regularly teaching me Korean so I believe I’ll be able to master the language in a month’s time.”, I was quick to reassure them.

I waited a beat for the panelists’ reaction. They conversed with themselves a bit and I could feel the ominous atmosphere lift a fraction.

Suddenly, Bang Shi Hyuk PD – nim looked at me again, this time with more openness in his gaze.

“Well, Y/N – ssi that may be an issue.”, he addressed me in perfect English.

Awesome. Well he is Bang Shi Hyuk after all.

“But I give you kudos for being persistent enough to learn our language. Being a foreigner, I know it hasn’t been easy.”

He looked at my application letter. “It says here that you’ve been in Korea for three months now?” I nodded. “Well, with the way you were talking in Korean I wouldn’t have known you weren’t fluent in it. Your pronunciation was quite good. I think with more practice, you’ll be able to grasp the language.”

Then he clasped his hands and leant forward, staring me straight in the eyes.

“So, what made you want to audition?” he inquired

I looked at him, hoping I conveyed honesty and determination in my eyes.

“To be honest, music has always been a passion of mine ever since I was young. But due to circumstances, I needed to push it aside. However, after being exposed to the world of K – Pop, I rediscovered my love for music. I realized I wanted to perform again.

I paused for a while to let that sink in, then continued on.

“And then I heard about the auditions you were holding and I wasted no time in joining it. I thought “Well, my life is stable now. I think it’s time I chased my dream.” I ended.

By then, Bang PD – nim had a twinkle in his eyes, the corners crinkling up.

Is he holding back a laugh?

He cleared his throat. “Well, you do realize that we have many applicants right? You may very well not be chosen. This may all end up being a pipe dream.”

I smiled at him. “Yes, you may be right. But at least I tried. I’d rather try and fail than fail to do anything at all and wonder for the rest of my life what would’ve been.” I answered sincerely.

At this he finally let out a robust laugh. And what a lovely laugh it was, all smoke and honey, just like Winnie the Pooh.

Well, I guess he really is a softie after all.

The other panelists were startled by his sudden outburst so Bang PD – nim translated what I said to his fellow panelists and they let out respective chuckles as well.

After recovering from the sudden happy mood, the panelists settled down, while Bang PD - nim turned back to me and said “Well said! Now then, since introductions are over why don’t you perform for us the songs you’ve prepared?”

Instantly, I bowed, went and gave the flash drive with my songs to the DJ at the far right side of the room, then returned to the podium.

“I prepared two songs for you. One is a Korean song and in a higher key and the next is an English song. “ I announced.

Bang PD – nim translated again for the other panelists.

“Ije sijaghagessseubnida.” I said. (I’ll start now.)

Then I signaled for the DJ to play the track.

Ok this is it. Do your best Y/N. Kaya mo ‘to! (You can do this)

Slowly, the opening notes of the song Dreaming by Kim Soo Hyun ended and I began to sing.

Jo molli hwimihejineun

Naye kkumeul barabomyo

Monghani soissotjyo

Do isang nameun ge obso

Modu pogihalkka hessotjiman

Dasi ironayo

I was looking at my dream that is being deemed far away

And I was standing blankly

I don’t have anything left any more

I thought about giving up everything, but

I am standing up again

 

I thought of all the times I wanted to grasp my dream of being a singer and how many times I just stood by and let it go. I put all my feelings of regret and frustration and put it into every lyric I sung.

In the beginning, I struggled learning the song but the more I learned it, the more connected I felt with it and the more I felt that it was the song for me.

Then as the chorus came up, I put everything I had in me.

I wanted this. And I am going to fight for it.

I closed my eyes and sang my heart out.

 

han-goreum han-goreum

oneuldo josimseuropge nedidyoyo

gaseum gadeukhi duryoumgwa

solleimeul aneun che

biteulgorigo heundeullyodo

nan tto han-goreumeul nedidyoyo

onjen-ga

mannal ne kkumeul hyanghe

Even today step by step

I step forward carefully

My heart is full of fears

but it’s an excitement I’m embracing

I am staggering and shaking

But, I step forward towards

the dream that I am going to meet some day

 

Soon, the last keys of the song drifted away and I opened my eyes.

And what I saw puzzled me.

The panelists were being weird. They weren’t smiling. And they weren’t crying either. They just sat there. Unmoving, with their breaths the only sound in the room.

Were they impressed? Or were they just so shocked from how bad I was?

Well, it was true I flubbed some of the lyrics in the bridge part.

Patay. (I’m dead.)

Straightaway, I cleared my throat and they snapped out of their reverie. Afterwards, I motioned to the DJ again and the second song was heard. I inhaled and exhaled a few times to calm myself, just as the introductory notes ended.

So I bared my heart yet again, singing one of my most favorite and inspirational songs.

 

You're broken down and tired

Of living life on a merry go round

And you can't find the fighter

But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out

And move mountains

We gonna walk it out

And move mountains

 

I thought of my family and how, despite tough times we still endured by being each other’s strength.

 

And I'll rise up

I'll rise like the day

I'll rise up

I'll rise unafraid

I'll rise up

And I'll do it a thousand times again

And I'll rise up

High like the waves

I'll rise up

In spite of the ache

I'll rise up

And I'll do it a thousand times again

For you

For you

For you

For you

 

This is for me. This is for my family. This is for ME.

The song eventually ended and I composed myself once again. I looked to the judges once more only to find out they now had confused looks on their faces.

Oh no. Did they not understand the song? Sabi ko naman kasi isang kanta lang kantahin ko eh! Yung Korean lang! Bakit ba kasi dinagdagan ko pa? Ahh! Kaasar!

(I should’ve stuck with the one Korean song? Why did I even add one? Ahh! This is annoying!)

I was mentally breaking down but I was still keeping a smile plastered on my face.

Keep it together Y/N!

Then I held myself together, took a deep breath and coughed a little.

“U- um I – I’m d-done.” , I awkwardly said.

As if struck by an electric rod, the judges shook themselves off and cleared their throats.

What is happening?

Without delay, Bang PD – nim spoke up. “Ah yes, Y/N – ssi. Gamsahamnida. (Thank you.) “We’ll contact you when the results are up. “

Hesitantly, I bowed. “Thank you for your time. Annyeonghi gyeseyo.” (Goodbye.) Then I strode to the DJ, retrieved my flash drive and quickly exited the room.

With big strides, I headed toward the exit my thoughts all over the place.

Oh my god. That was a disaster! A pure disaster!

And it was going so well. I was finally breaking the ice with Bang PD – nim! I mean, sure there was the issue about the language barrier but I already assured them I’d be learning Korean as fast as I can. Maybe my reassurance wasn’t enough? Still, I was honest and open to them too.

I pursed my lips and put my hand on my jaw.

I knew it. The English song was the one who ruined it! Sigh. Well, at least I tried. I know I did my best. Okey lang, anuman ang resulta. (Whatever the result may be, it’s ok.)

I was halfway through the building and almost through the exit when suddenly, somebody grabbed my elbow.

“Ya!”, (Hey!) I yelled in annoyance as I turned to the rude person. And came face to face with Somi – unni from earlier.

”Poca – ssi! How’d it go?”, she asked excitedly.

“Huh? Why are you calling me Poca? My name is Y/N.” I asked confused

“Sorry. It’s cause I forgot your name and because you look like Pocahontas what with your bronze skin and long, straight black hair.” She laughed

I looked at her, eyebrow raised. I look like Pocahontas huh? Really?

“Anyway, how was the audition?”, she inquired again.

I showed her my most defeated expression. “Horrible. It was going so well and then it wasn’t. Oh well, I guess it wasn’t for me.” I sighed

She looked at me then, shocked and affronted? “What are you talking about? You were amazing! I heard you from outside the room earlier and you have a very beautiful voice! Really magical!”, she exclaimed.

I snorted. “Thanks. Tell that to the judges though. They looked anything but impressed with me earlier.”

She folded her arms and looked at me like I lost my mind. I might have though. “Are you sure about that?” I nodded, feeling even more deflated. She proceeded to murmur something to herself. “But that’s not…”

“What?” I asked confused. At my inquiry, she whipped her head towards me instantly. “Ah nothing! Just thinking out loud.” She laughed nervously.

I looked at her still suspicious, but after a few seconds I let the issue go. There’s no use dwelling on what ifs. I just need to brace myself for whatever news I may get.

Then I shot her a small smile. “Well, I’ll be going now. Annyeong, unni.” (Bye)

I turned to go but then she said. “Jam si man yo!” (Wait a minute!) “Let’s exchange numbers, please.” If we don’t end up getting accepted, I’d still want to hang out with you. If that’s okay.” She quipped with a grin.

I replied with an even bigger grin of my own. “Dang-yeonhaji!” (Of course) “I would love to hang out with you.” Then I rummaged inside my bag for my phone and held it out to her. She gave me her phone in return and we inputted our numbers in each other’s phones.

After the exchanging of numbers, we said our final pleasantries and went our separate ways. However, just before I rounded the street towards the train station, Somi – unni called out to me again all the way across the street.

“Poca – ssi!”

Why does she keep on insisting on that nickname?

I looked back and yelled back to her. “Yes unni!” She waved her hands up in the air.

“We will get accepted. I believe it! You should believe in it too!” Then she bumped her fist in the air. “Fighting!”

I laughed at her silliness. Copying her, I did my own fist bump in the air. “Fighting!” Then we waved goodbye to each other and went on our way.

That night, as I laid in bed I thought of what tomorrow may bring. I may or may not get accepted. Nevertheless, I told myself that I did my best and that that will always be enough.

Plus, at least I gained a new friend right?

Thoughts of a wildly waving and beaming Somi – unni comforted me as I eventually drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later, I was woken up by the loud ringing of my phone. I grumpily covered my ears with my pillow. It’s the weekend. There’s no work. Who could be calling at such an early hour?

Still, the phone kept on ringing noisily. Grunting annoyingly, I blearily opened my eyes to see sunlight filtering through the blinds. Slowly, I grabbed my phone to see the time at 9AM, with an unregistered number flashing on the screen. Clearing my throat and rubbing my eyes from sleep, I accepted the call.

“Yeoboseyo?” (Hello?), I answered cringing from the hoarseness of my voice from sleep. “Yeoboseyo, Y/N – ssi?” (Hello?) Bang PD – nim’s voiced echoed from my phone. “B-bang P-PD – nim?” I cried out in shock consequently bolting upright in bed. “Yes, good morning. I’m sorry but…”

I dropped my phone in disbelief.