I wait for one week, then a second. He has to grieve, to go over everything in his mind. I need to give him time, but I also need to see him. And there's still one thing that troubles me and I can't keep inside me any longer.

We agree to meet at the beach one morning before he's on duty. The sky is overcast, and not as many people are out.

Jungkook can't seem ti stand still. He's busy doing some kind of inventory of things around him, then going through the first-aid kit, checking supples, and finally waxing the surfboard with a odd surge of energy. I expect him to start vacuuming the sand next.

What I do know is that he'll never talk about our midnight ride and our time on the beach. That was some surreal experience for both of us. It brought us closer, but how close?

Right now he's very much back into form. The lifeguard, the healer, the guardian of other people's lives and fates.

"Can you stop . . . for just a minute?"

Annoyance creeps up my spine. I need to get his attention, for him to just focus on me, but maybe that's not fair. Now, with the tears behind him, Jungkook's way of dealing with the loss is to be in motion, as though constant activity will push the thoughts of Yoongi away and ease the pain. Finally he stops and turns to me. He drops down next to me on the blanket. After looking out at the ocean briefly, he turns to me and narrows his eye."

"What . . . What's wrong?"

Now that I have his attention, I'm afraid to speak. I don't to come out wrong. I don't want to sound like a stupid, jealous, insecure person, but I have  to ask him. I have to know that the night out on the bike meant something real. I have to know that he wanted to be with me, not just a backup when maybe Jieun's wasn't there. I have to know that when he was at his lowest point he wanted me to be the one who tried to draw the sadness out of his heart with total surrender.

"It's about Jieun," I say, finally. I try to sneak in a breath without letting him know that what I'm about to ask him makes me need more air. Maybe I'm prying into his private world, but I don't care anymore.

"Do you love her?"

He looks at me curiously. "Of course, why? Why are you asking me that?"

I swallow, involuntarily. His words sting. I feel like I've been slapped. "I see you with her so much . . . I had to know that she is really is your girlfriend."

"My girlfriend?"

"Aish, Jungkook, why are you making this even harder for me?"

"I've known Jieun noona since I was young," he says, a flash of impatience in his voice. "She's lived with us for half my life."

"But you love her, you just said it."

"When I first met her, she was like a girlfriend," he says, looking away. "Like a first love kind of thing." Then he shakes his head. "But after a year, maybe less, her mother was sick and she came to live with us." he runs his hand though his hair. "She became like a sister," he says. "it's been that way ever since."

I look back at him and can't help the smile that slowly spreads over my face.

"You were jealous?" he says, as if it the most ridiculous thought. Then his face softens, enjoying this.

"Well . . ."

He tilts his head back and laughs.

° ° ° ° °

Dear Sulli,

There are moments when I think I've totally lost  it. There are things in front of me that I just don't understand what they are. Jungkook's "girlfriend," it turns out, is not his girlfriend. Jieun has lived with him and Yoongi since he was young. Yes, he loves her, but more like a sister. And yoongi, who left my day world and slipped into my dream world, was more like a grandfather to her.

As for me and Jungkook. . . there's so much to say and I have to see you in person to tell you.

But what I do see now is that Yoongi left this world, but not without leaving me more than heartfelt memories. I paint with his brush now and ever since, something magical has happened on the canvas. I can capture changing light that I couldn't see before - the vivid colors of flower petals in the sunlight, the ombre of the ocean as it darkens at the end of the day. 

Is that something one person can leave to another? It doesn't seem possible. I'd be the first to deney it, but what other way is there to explain i? I'm filled with inspiration and I can't stop painting. Is that passion or madness? Is there a difference?

I know you think I'm crazy. And as usual, you're right.

Can't wait to see you - and paint you!

Love Suzy

° ° ° ° °

Suzy, my goodness, it seems like Yoongi left you the ultimate gift, a piantbrush with a life and powers of its own! He must have loved you like one his own children.

I laughed out loud when you told me about Jieun. How could you not tell they weren't romantically together? You always did have a blind side. Anyway, I couldn't bear the thought of Jungkook with another girl. You two seem destined to be together. I have to confess that I have a crush on him too. I love his looks and his mystery. He seems to exist on some other frequency. How could I not feel that way, after all you've told me about him? And that picture you sent. It seems alive!

Camp life is completely dull and boring compared to your world. We had the camp play. I receive a great round of applause, blah, blah, blah. Jaechan and I are totally over. He's intensely weird and isn't ready for a relationship, he says. I'm almost glad because I wouldn't want to be crazed about leaving him at the end of summer if we had something serious going on. I am now so glad this will be my last summer as the CIT. I'm ready to work, or something else. How long can you spend rowing, making clay pots, and monitoring the youths? It's time for paint wars to end and for real life to start, don't you agree?

See you less than a week!

Love Sulli